Category: Thanks For That Visual

Kendra Wilkinson Claims That Holly Madison Was Hef’s “Clean-Up Girl”

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Since Holly Madison is peddling a new book called The Vegas Diaries, she is once again going on about how being a member of Hugh Hefner’s harem of rotating plastic blondes killed her inside and that she was constantly living in fear because of competition with the other hos. Holly’s face is on the cover of this week’s People under the words, “I Was Living in Fear,” and well, her arch rival Kendra Wilkinson had something to say about it. And thanks to Kendra, the walls of my nightmares will be covered with new images.

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Marilyn Manson Keeps His Chonies On During Sex

January 8, 2015 / Posted by:

I know you’ve been wondering what Marilyn Manson’s average fuck time sessions look like, and now you can stop wondering and start painting the picture with your mind.

Rolling Stone did a really interesting profile about Hot Topic’s oldest customer and I hope Lifetime turns it into a movie. Paul from The Wonder Years can play Marilyn Manson. (“So you mean, Marilyn Manson can play himself” said every trick who will forever believe that Paul from The Wonder Years and MM are the same person. I used to be you and a part of me still is.) Marilyn talks about his phobias and how his phobias get in the way of him having all-naked fuck times with the lights on. Marilyn’s mom had Munchausen by Proxy syndrome and he was in the hospital a lot for “allergies,” so all his weird phobias might have come from his childhood.

He can’t really take a shower with a piece he’s dating and he doesn’t do baths at all. Marilyn’s maid probably has a severe case of arthritis in the hands from constantly scrubbing white Halloween makeup, sex smegma and who knows what else out of his bed linens, because he only sleeps on black sheets and he bones at least 5 times a day. I figured Marilyn Manson came grey dust because he’s that goth. But now I know he cums dust and air because his gonads can’t produce jizz fast enough. Marilyn, who is currently doing photographer Lindsay Usich (If you read that as “Lars Ulrich” go with it. It’s good for your visuals), has to screw in the dark  and he’s always prepared for a fire:

First, no lights shall be on. “I’m just really shy, despite what you’d imagine,” he says. Second, no underwear shall be slipped farther down than his ankles. “I have a phobia that the house is going to catch fire, and I don’t want to be naked,” he says.

Basically, Marilyn Manson screws like a teenager who’s afraid his parents are going to come home at any minute.

So Marilyn Manson has to keep his panties on when doing sex. Big deal. He always acts like he’s the King of the Weirdos. He’s not. For his information, every human being I’ve ever done it with insists on keeping their underwear on too. It’s not that uncommon. Yes, they insist on keeping it over their face so they can’t see me, but still. That counts.

There Was A Time Tori Spelling And The Deaner Tried To Be Swingers

May 15, 2014 / Posted by:

I am so SO sorry – I didn’t want that mental image either, but I figured if I was going to spend the next 24-hours dry heaving like Lloyd Christmas, I was taking all of you there with me. I know, I’m an awful, terrible bitch. Please send all hate mail to whatever toilet I’ll be hunched over till I’m able to get my hands on some industrial-stength brain bleach. But back to imagining Tori Spelling and The Deaner with a giant glass bowl filled with minivan keys. According to an exclusive story from Life & Style, (in association with the makers of Gravol, go on) an insider says that several years ago they attended a pool party thrown at Casa del Dirtbag, and things got very gross, very quickly:

According to the source, the couple were knocking back drinks and, after calling Tori the love of his life, Dean proceeded to offer her services to his friend!

“He said, ‘Try her!’ and proceeded to push Tori onto his friend’s lap,” the insider reveals to Life & Style.

Not that Tori resisted. Instead, according to the insider, she eagerly tried to kiss Dean’s friend — who was so mortified, he fled the party!

Mortified? I think you meant horrified. And I think the insider is forgetting a few details, because I also spoke to an “insider” from the same party, and they said this is how The Deaner offered up Tori to his friend:

“Hey man, what’s crappening? You like my sick pool party? I made those tiki torches myself by stuffing gasoline-soaked diapers into a couple empty beer cans I found in the shower. I’m all about DIY: “Dick In Ya”. For serious though, The Deaner’s tryna lose the old ball and chain so he can get his dick wet behind the tool shed. You mind taking her off my hands? Thanks bro.”

But enough of all that swinger talk, here’s Tori running errands on Wednesday.

Pics: Splash

And None For Gretchen Wieners – I Mean – Taylor Swift

January 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Between Beyoncé’s drowsy surfbort lip-synchMacklemore’s drowsy wedding ceremony, and Madonna’s drowsy face (someone needs to start cutting her Botox with Four Loko) I assumed the televised Ambien spectacular known as The Grammy’s were going to end with thousands of blankets dropping from the ceiling of the Staples Centre and everyone taking a nap. But to the surprise of everyone still awake at home, it ended with the gif that keeps on giving: Taylor Swift pulling a Zoolander and thinking she won the Grammy for Album of the Year. When Alicia Keys (I’ll let you make your own jokes about her hair at home) announced the winner, Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories, Taylor thought she heard her own album, Red, and started to freak the fuck out like she just saw Bambi shoot his own mom and then turn the gun on himself. CHILL OUT, BITCH.

For a couple years now, Taylor’s been labouring under the delusion that if America’s Pretty Pretty Princess shows up to an awards show, they’ll HAVE to back a dump truck full of statues to her seat, so the sparkly pink plastic gears in her brain needed to work extra hard to process the idea that she didn’t win. And thanks to the internet, we have it all on video to watch over and over again. To quote Bart Simpson: “If you look closely, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment her heart breaks in two.”

And Daft Punk should probably go ahead and get in contact with Harry Styles to see when the support group meets, because we’re like 3 seconds away from another brutal Taylor Swift revenge song.

Here’s more of the real-life Taffy Sinclair at the Grammy’s before it all came crumbling down in a strawberry-scented, frosted lipstick sadness pile:

(Pics via Splash)

Nick Cannon Wins Today’s Overshare Trophy

January 11, 2014 / Posted by:

You can thank Nick Cannon for any time you spend thinking about Mariah Carey naked today. The America’s Got Talent host and Mimi’s child groom was asked by USWeekly how they keep things hot even though they have two-year-old twins.

Lots of sex,” Cannon candidly told Us at the Variety Breakthrough Awards in Las Vegas on Thursday, Jan. 9.

You know Mariah goes through every high note from “Emotions” as she climaxes. And hey, if Nick can get it up in her Hello Kitty room, more power to him but I still don’t want to think about his o-face. It’s probably the same look I get when the chair I’m reclining in starts to tip over.

At least the two of them have a million rooms to fuck in that their kids don’t even know exist. The rest of us have to hope the door lock holds so we don’t look over mid-thrust and see a creepy figure standing next to the bed like a mini Jehovas Witness. Instead of wanting talking to you about accepting Jesus as your Lord and savior, they want to lay out their argument for getting a pet kangaroo at 11:15 at night. Is it too much to ask to get your freak on in peace and pass out so you can be woken up at 5:15 by the same kid who won’t let the fucking kangaroo thing go?

(Pic: Wenn)

Cameron Diaz Wants To Talk To You About Your Bush

January 2, 2014 / Posted by:

First of all, Happy New Year to all! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that whoever you kissed at midnight didn’t give you mouth herpes.

Let’s just dive right into an excerpt from Cameron Diaz’s The Body Book (via Radar) from the “In Praise of Pubes” section because who doesn’t want to keep the nausea going past the first of the year? YOU’RE WELCOME.

I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits,” Diaz writes. “… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.

Then — fair warning — Diaz gets a little graphic. “Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness,” Diaz intones. “Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?

She continues, “It’s a personal decision, but I’m just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.

Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Unless you have some seriously mutant pube shit happening, vaginas ARE hairless because that’s the part on the inside. I’m all for anybody doing their bush up however they please- Brazilian, landing strip, shaving everything but the bikini line so it looks like sideburns, or a full-on Afro Circus getup complete with rainbow colors; I. Don’t. Care. But if you’re going to wax poetic about something like that, at least get your terminology right. Thanks a fucking lot for the imagery of sagging puss lips, too. Do they have a version of kegels for the outside? I’m uh… asking for a friend.

If you’re still with me (and haven’t gone to Google that labia kegel thing and if you have, please email me for purely scientific purposes), the last part of what Cameron wrote sounds like it belongs on an abstinence pamphlet at a parochial school. No offense, Cammy, but I definitely want my bush whacked back a little when I “present my gift” to that special someone and by “special someone”, I mean whoever has the misfortune of getting an upskirt shot when I fall off my barstool on Friday night.

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