There’s a sequence of words I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d ever write. Variety says that Whoopi Goldberg – whose “You need to fire your agent, girl” look in the picture above says it all – and the painful urination sensation known as Charlie Sheen have been cast in a movie about 9/11 called (wait for it) Nine Eleven. It will be directed by Martin Guigui and begins filming on Monday in Long Beach, CA. Because nothing says New York City like Long Beach.
According to Variety, Nine Eleven is about five people trapped in an elevator in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Not much is known about Whoopi and Charlie’s characters, like whether or not Charlie’s character will believe the government is behind it all. But we do know they’ll be stuck in an elevator along with Luis Guzman (aka Maurice from Boogie Nights), Wood Harris (aka Avon from The Wire), and Olga Fonda (aka Nadia from The Vampire Diaries).
Obviously Whoopi + Charlie Sheen + 9/11 Movie sounds like the formula for the kind of mess that will sweep every category of the Razzies. But who knows? Maybe it won’t be that bad. I will say that there’s a very good chance the performances from Luis, Wood, and Olga will go down in history as some of the most-convincing acting seen this decade. Imagine showing up to work every day and remembering you’re in a movie about September 11th starring Whoopi and Charlie Sheen? I doubt you’d have to act very hard to make people believe you when your character says stuff like “This is a nightmare!” and “Get me out of here!”
Whoopi Goldberg, your messy auntie who makes you wish you brought straight-up crack to smoke on Thanksgiving when she opens up her mouth at the dinner table, has been the head pecking hen on The View for almost 10 seasons now. Anybody who still watches it (and yes, I still watch it, because it gives me a reason to drink on a weekday morning) knows that Whoopi stopped giving a fuck about that job years ago. Whoopi is the kind of employee who will go into the fridge in the break room, eat someone’s yogurt with a note that reads, “DO NOT EAT, THIS IS EMILY’S YOGURT,” on it and admit to doing it. Whoopi don’t care, and now apparently executives at ABC are beginning to think that she’s daring them to put a pink slip in her bong.
A source tells Page Six that Whoopi makes $5 million a year and she’s currently on the last season of her 4 season contract. Whoopi may be trying to get out of her contract early by getting fired, because she’s apparently been acting as pleasant as a fist job from Edward Scissorhands. The source spilled this out:
The actress and host, now in the final year of a four-year contract, last year reportedly created a scene when she paraded around saying, “I’s a work for ABC, who is my master. I’s a slave to ABC. It’s ‘12 Years a Whoopi’ at ABC, referring to the movie 12 Years a Slave.
Whoopi has been so antagonistic, she’s constantly at war with management. It’s so bad that some execs think she’s daring them to fire her so she can go off and do other things, particularly after her ‘slave’ outburst. She knows if they did fire her, they’d have to pay out her contract and she’d be paid $5 million for doing nothing.
Whoopi loves the money, but she doesn’t want to work so hard anymore. She doesn’t come in prepared, she doesn’t really engage with other panelists and guests. She gives some one-liners and moves on. Her contract is up at the end of this season, and even if she does renew, it would be for significantly less money.”
Whoopi’s brains really are made of burnt shank weed if she screws up that gig. Bitch is living the dream. She gets to stumble into work stoned and brain fart up her thoughts about a subject without doing any kind of research or having any kind of knowledge on it. I wish I had that job! Oh…wait…
I’ve got some sad, tragic news for you if your name is Watermelondrea and your dream in life is to work for Raven-Symoné. She’s never going to hire you and it’s all because your parents decided to write the name “Watermelondrea” on your birth certificate.
On yesterday’s episode, the hen house of foolery that we know as The View discussed a recent study that found that Americans make racist assumptions based on someone’s name alone. They played a clip from YouTube of kids saying “ghetto” names like Fo’Landra. Of course, we all know that prospective employers discriminate against people based on their born name, race, religion, gender, fatness, skinniness, sexuality, etc… etc… It’s illegal, but hos still do it. And during yesterday’s discussion, Raven let everyone know that she’d gladly discriminate against anyone with a name like Watermelondrea. That really is SO Raven.
“Just to bring it back, can we take back ‘racist’ and say ‘discriminatory,’ because I think that’s a better word. That’s a better word. And I’m very discriminatory against words like the ones they were saying in those names. I’m not about to hire you if your name is Watermelondrea. It’s just not going to happen. I’m not going to hire you.”
Of course, this made Twitter (and beyond) tell Raven-Symoné to get the fuck out and to take her silent accented e with her. Raven hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure that on Monday’s episode of The View, Raven will apologize and will do a sit-down interview with a woman named Watermelondrea about name discrimination. At the end of the interview, Raven will give Watermelondrea a job as her new assistant. That’s damage control The View-style. But I don’t know why you’d want to be Raven’s assistant anyway. I mean, she’ll probably make you catch a damn bird and kill it so she can wear it on her head. And it’s a good thing for Raven that the producers of The View didn’t say, “I’m not about to hire you if you come in here looking like Foghorn Leghorn’s daughter” when considering her for the job. Here’s the clip if you need to see it:
And when something you say makes Whoopi Goldberg clutch her pearls…..
In case you’re following the revolving door that is The View, ABC announced today that Joy Behar will make her triumphant return and joining her next season will be Candace Cameron Bure and Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend. Starting in September, those three will sit next to Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone and Michelle Collins. I also heard that ABC is going to replace the table with a cage, so that none of them can escape as they eat each other alive.
Last month, there were rumors that DJ Tanner and Paula Faris were in talks to join The View full-time. Producers wanted Paula, because she’s a news person and they wanted DJ Tanner, because their mouths salivated over all the attention they got for a clip of her and Raven fighting about a lesbian wedding cake. There was also a rumor that producers were trying to get Joy. Joy admitted that she was in talks, but said that a deal fell through, because producers refused to give her more power and a bigger role. Either Joy was lying or the producers eventually gave her what she wanted.
As expected, the producers have also put together a group of subs who will fill in whenever a regular is out. That group includes Sherri Shepherd, Stacy London, Molly Sims, political commentator Ana Navarro and Padma Lakshmi.
To those of us who still watch this wreck, are we taking bets on who will be out first? I’m going to go with Joy and Raven. Their heads will pop off as soon as DJ Tanner opens her mouth while discussing Christian persecution.
And there comes a time in every American woman’s life when she becomes a co-host on The View. I’m going to call my mom now and congratulate her about being named a co-host on The View and when she says, “But I’m not,” I’ll say, “But you will be….soon.“
Kelly Osbourne Wants Donald Trump To Ask Himself: “If We Kick Out All The Latinos, Who Is Going To Clean My Toilet?”
Giuliana Rancic doesn’t have to worry about doing an hour on the treadmill today, because she probably burned hundreds of calories from cackling over Twitter calling Kelly Osbourne a privileged racist today.
I guess whoever wrote Giuliana’s joke about dreads is now writing Kelly Osbourne’s note cards. Kelly was a guest c0-host on The View today and once again the topic of Donald Trump’s shitty comments about Mexican immigrants came up. Kelly started by saying that Donald’s comments were racist and then she dribbled out a stream of messiness that made everyone hit the brakes and say, “Wha?!”
Ever since Hannibal Buress opened up Bill Cosby’s closet and pulled out and dusted off those drugging and rape allegations, Whoopi Goldberg has defended Cosby like crazy. Whoopi defended him the same way I defended Chicken Cutlets when a former friend said, “I don’t know what you see in Phoebe Price.” Whoopi practically kicked off her clogs and issued a “You in danger, girl” on anybody who dared say that Bill Cosby is most likely guilty. Whoopi continued to throw fists for Cosby even after we all found out that he admitted in a deposition to buying ludes to give to women. But today, the defender of anything and everything joined Jill Scott by swan diving off of Cosby’s sinking ship. That leaves a confused Bill Cosby standing on a slanted deck holding a silver tray full of drinks as one of his lone supporters Phylicia Rashad throws him a look that says, “Yeah, I’m not that thirsty.”