As expected, Madge and Miley Cyrus performed a mash-up of “Don’t Tell Me/We Can’t Stop” on MTV Unplugged tonight and damn it was a hoedown, hoeup mess! I guess Miley and Madge both shrugged and said in unison, “Rehearsals? Who needs it? Let’s smoke pot and make out with each other instead since we’re both 21 year old girls!”
If Regina George and Regina’s mom were dirt poor, lived in Appalachia and huffed a whole lot of freon from other people’s air conditioning units before they won the lottery and moved to the big city, this is the mother/daughter performance they’d do during the talent show at Regina’s new private high school:
All together now: JUST STOP! PLEASE! WE’RE NOT TELLING YOU. WE’RE BEGGING YOU.
But you know, it was almost so weird and tragic that I loved it. It was like watching a veteran seasoned stripper and an amateur stripper grind together during the 9am-12pm shift at a strip club in Texas that’s frequented by drifters who can only afford to tip them in squirrel meat and random motel keys. Madge looked awkward and uncomfortable and they both looked like they were forced to do it.
Madge looked like a half-assed La Tigresa Del Oriente impersonator and Miley looked like Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena as seen through the eyes of Harmony Korine. And Miley’s outfit. The hell? It looked like the outfit Punky Brewster wore when she was brutally mauled by hyenas.
And since Miley looks like a 17-year-old boy, Madge is totally going to start dating her. I’m calling it now.
Obviously Ryan Sweeting, the poor sap who is legally obligated to fawn over Kaley Cuoco ’til imploding Hollywood marriage do they part, didn’t get the memo that NOBODY who isn’t saying something nice for PR’s sake is putting money on their marital bliss lasting.
Someone couldn’t have thrown a Magic 8 Ball his way? A Ouija board? A Google image of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo? Their crazy uncle’s glass eye that he swears has magical powers? Anything Ryan could have used to look into the future to see that he should spend some of his kept boy toy allowance on a gift certificate for laser tattoo removal with an expiration date no more than a year away?
Someone once told me a story about an 18-year-old girl who got the name “Richard” tattooed on her inner thigh with an arrow pointing up toward her holla bits. At the very least, she should have had it say “Dick” so it would be universal for every guy that came after him (pun 100% intended).
Kanye West is an ingrown hair on society’s throbbing anus, but for once I am happy that he exists, because he created this glorious piece of dried shit that Kim Kardashian will definitely carry around in public.
Kim Kartashian threw up a picture on Instagram of the fucked-up, Illuminati Birkin bag that Kanye West gave to her for Khristmas. Kanye got artist George Condo to paint a stunning work of art on an overpriced Birkin bag. That mess is so ugly that I wouldn’t even drop a shit in it if I had the runs. Hell, I don’t even think Lucifer himself would take a dump in that shit. So I love that Kim will have to carry it around. It seriously looks like some kind of dark-sided shit you’d buy at the Illuminati gift shop for your greatest enemy. A bag that needs an exorcism is the perfect bag for Kim!
But seriously, it was very kind of Kanye to put a Kardashian family portrait on a bag for Kim. Pimp Mama Kris has never looked more beautiful (that’s her all the way to the left, right?). Kim actually looks human (that’s her next to PMK, right?). Khloe looks female for once (or is that Bruce?) and George Condo made Kourtney look like she has other facial expressions besides “duuuuuuurrrrrr.”
A true work of shitty art!
If you’re still wondering what to get for the “this-close-to-being-a-hoarder-about-it” doll lover in your life or that asshole in your family you’re willing to spend any amount of money on to creep the fuck out, may I present this exquisite, albeit confusing doll of Prince George. Created by artist Fiorenza Biancheri, the doll retails for $149.99, is 20 inches long with a 30-inch replica of the royal christening gown and looks absolutely nothing like George.
The Bradford Exchange (via E! News) doesn’t seem concerned that the doll is an exact replica of HRH Prince You Tried.
According to the website, “each realistic detail of this gorgeous royal Prince royal baby doll is exquisitely hand-painted to perfectly highlight his delicate features.”
“Strong demand is anticipated for this royal baby doll, so don’t delay,” reads the Bradford Exchange site. “Order now!”
Of course there will be high demand! Marie Osmond has most likely pre-ordered one for every member of her family and that is a lot of fucking dolls. I’m waiting for a Groupon to get Michael K one because he already said he thinks the eyebrows are beauteous. That really goes without saying, given the artist obviously took them straight from any Google image of Pam Anderson.
If the Bradford Exchange had any sense, they would have let Daniel Edwards, sculptor of the (NSFW-ish) Katherine-Heigl-as-Britney birth statue handle the Prince George doll. It still wouldn’t have looked a damn thing like George, but at least there is a strong possibility Daniel would have at least thrown pics of Prince William and Duchess Kate into one of those virtual “What Will Your Baby Look Like” sites. The doll then would at least have Will’s nose and his mother’s gray hair instead of his mother’s original nose and his father’s hair.
(Pic: The Bradford Exchange)
I swear on my favorite tit that I’m not on the Kim Kardashian payroll, it’s just that this bitch is EVERYWHERE. Plus, she only pays 10% and I don’t get out of bed for less than 15 because someone needs to subsidize the high class lifestyle I lead that includes off-brand Nutella and twist-top wine.
Anyway, USWeekly‘s latest cover is Kim (no surprise) in a white bikini (even less of a surprise) with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge”, which is some well played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Reggie Bush packed up his dick and left!.
Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian”, but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him Shop-Vac her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geograhic’s anteater issue.
Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby???”, you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim as NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.
PETA better sharpen their shank, because some other charity called Fishlove is copying their game by using naked celebrities to spread their cause or something. Fishlove is trying to raise awareness for overfishing and obviously when you want to raise awareness for overfishing you drape dead creatures of the sea around naked famous hos including Gillian Anderson. I really don’t know what’s going on here, but I do know that eel wants nothing to do with this scene.
Fishlove sounds like the name of some illegal ass, dark-sided fetish that’ll get you banned from every aquarium and will make your friends hide their goldfish when you come over. (Side note: Fishlove also sounds like the name for a group of fans who appreciate Joanna Krupa’s vagine.) This is like Japanese anime porn come to life.
Somebody get Misty Day to bring Jacques Cousteau back to life so that he can slap down all the hos involved in this mess. Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea, because if he came back to life and saw this, he might get the weirdest boner.
Sydney Leathers, best known for being former NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner, graduated to full-blown porn earlier this year (I’m so sorry) and has become so self-conscious about the state of her sperm harbor that she has decided to undergo a labiaplasty. TMZ reports that Sydney is going to spend $8,400 to have her floor-length meat curtains trimmed up to valance length. That’s a lot of money to make your shit not look like something Bea Arthur wore on Golden Girls, especially when there’s such a glaring need to move that hairline halfway between it’s current location and Theresa Giudice.
It gets worse, though. If you’re clinging to a rocky ledge on the top of Mount Nausea this morning after waking up spooning either an empty bottle or some hose beast who was your best option at last call a few hours ago, allow Sydney to stomp on your fingers in exquisite heels from Discountstripper.com to send your hungover ass hurtling into the vomiting abyss. TMZ also said she will be SELLING her expertly butchered deli meat cast-offs on abiBids.com.
I hate myself for trying to figure out which category they would be listed under. RARE Finds? That could work if there’s a roast beef pun in there somewhere. All I know is that someone at that website needs to change the name of Memorabilia to Memoralabia for the duration of the auction if that’s what Sydney’s leather is going to be categorized as. There’s no minimum unless you count dignity, so bid away, sick fucks!
I hate Kanye West a little more today, because when I woke up this morning and saw a headline for something called “Bound 2,” the nipples on my soul got hard thinking that Hollywood was finally doing something right by making a long-awaited and highly-anticipated sequel to this lesbian erotic thriller masterpiece extravaganza:
But no, I’m not going to get fresh scenes of a butch Gina Gershon scissoring with a glamorous chola Betty Boop played by Jennifer Tilly. “Bound 2″ is the name of the song that Kanye just shat out a video for. This is not the Bound 2 that anybody wanted. Instead of getting shots of Gina Rob Ford’ing Jennifer Tilly, we get Kanye boning a naked and lifeless Kim on a motorcycle in front a bunch of moving landscape paintings bought at the swap meet.
Kanye Kardashian debuted his video for “Bound 2” on Ellen and I don’t know whether to tell you that it’s best if you watch it with your eyes closed or with the mute button on, so I’ll just tell you to watch with your eyes closed and with the mute button on.
That video is the opposite of an inspiration poster. At the dentist office in the ninth circle of hell, that video is on the ceiling instead of a Where’s Waldo? poster. These two dildos have the on-screen chemistry of Backdoor Farrah’s gaping b-hole and James Deens’ soft dick. They make Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley look like two horny rabbits who actually love fucking each other.
I kept waiting for Ellen to jump out of that Sears Portrait Studio background and declare that this is just a prank, but that didn’t happen. Kanye West is serious with this shit and Kanye West is delusional enough to be serious with this shit. I just wish that Ellen’s cameras showed reaction shots from her audience, because the Internet definitely needs more GIFs of middle-aged women making “…the fuck is this life?” faces.
If you still haven’t been able to go to Panda Express, because the nightmare that is Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” is still too raw in your brain, then you might want to stay away from this too. It’ll instantly make you allergic to punch, puppets and windowless vans. Leave it to Patrice Wilson to make windowless vans even creepier.
Alison Gold and the evil doer who is responsible for Rebecca Black, Patrice Wilson of Ark Music Factory, are back with a dark-sided prequel to “Chinese Food” called “ABCDEFG” and it is A-P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-W-R-E-C-K. Any music video that starts out with Patrice Wilson in Mister Rogers drag (Mister Rogers’ estate needs to sue his ass for SLANDER) peeping into a dollhouse window is the kind of video that is going to make your skin fall off of your body. It’s like watching a horror movie and I kept screaming at that Alison Gold girl.
At 0:15 – Girl, he’s behind you! We know you know your ABCs and shit, so stop singing and ruuuuuun!
At 1:00 – NO! Girl, DO NOT get in that van. Only serial killers (and worse, EMOs) write notes with cut-up magazine letters!
At 1:12 – WHY DID YOU GET IN THAT VAN?! And why does that van look like a bootleg, low-budget version of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill?
And it gets worse. Wilson’s Van takes Alison to the dance where Patrice roofies her punch with some love potion so the boy (or girl, I’m not sure) she likes falls in love with her. Patrice sucks at being a pedo wizard, because he put puppet potion in her punch instead of love potion. And then it ends with Patrice turning Alison’s little crush into Chinese food with a Chinese food potion and she eats her friend!
This is the absolute worst and most horrific after-school special ever and it doesn’t even have a happy ending. Somebody call the police, the FBI, Chris Hansen and everybody else.
When I was a kid, I used to soak my Frosted Mini-Wheats in milk, pull one out, suck all the frosting off and then drop it next to the bowl. That pile of frosting-less, rejected, sad, soggy Mini-Wheats is what I was reminded of when I saw these fucked-up stupid pictures of Lady CaCa strolling out of the Ritz-Carlton in Berlin today. Bitch looks like the worst and least popular Dr. Who villain of all-time.
Bitch looks like a gold duck drowning in a giant box full of dirty, 10-week-old cat litter. Bitch looks like a cracker made out of yeast infection discharge. Bitch looks like a giant piece of Nicki Minaj’s wig dandruff. I just want to grab her ass, put her on a slingshot and use her to kill pigs. This is some Angry Birds Chernobyl-style shit.
With all that being said, I’m happy that CaCa is one with the crazy again and finding new and creative ways to cover up her head. And that block of insulation foam looks more natural and luscious than all of her wigs.