I swear on my favorite tit that I’m not on the Kim Kardashian payroll, it’s just that this bitch is EVERYWHERE. Plus, she only pays 10% and I don’t get out of bed for less than 15 because someone needs to subsidize the high class lifestyle I lead that includes off-brand Nutella and twist-top wine.
Anyway, USWeekly‘s latest cover is Kim (no surprise) in a white bikini (even less of a surprise) with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge”, which is some well played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Reggie Bush packed up his dick and left!.
Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian”, but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him Shop-Vac her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geograhic’s anteater issue.
Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby???”, you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim as NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.
PETA better sharpen their shank, because some other charity called Fishlove is copying their game by using naked celebrities to spread their cause or something. Fishlove is trying to raise awareness for overfishing and obviously when you want to raise awareness for overfishing you drape dead creatures of the sea around naked famous hos including Gillian Anderson. I really don’t know what’s going on here, but I do know that eel wants nothing to do with this scene.
Fishlove sounds like the name of some illegal ass, dark-sided fetish that’ll get you banned from every aquarium and will make your friends hide their goldfish when you come over. (Side note: Fishlove also sounds like the name for a group of fans who appreciate Joanna Krupa’s vagine.) This is like Japanese anime porn come to life.
Somebody get Misty Day to bring Jacques Cousteau back to life so that he can slap down all the hos involved in this mess. Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea, because if he came back to life and saw this, he might get the weirdest boner.
Sydney Leathers, best known for being former NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner, graduated to full-blown porn earlier this year (I’m so sorry) and has become so self-conscious about the state of her sperm harbor that she has decided to undergo a labiaplasty. TMZ reports that Sydney is going to spend $8,400 to have her floor-length meat curtains trimmed up to valance length. That’s a lot of money to make your shit not look like something Bea Arthur wore on Golden Girls, especially when there’s such a glaring need to move that hairline halfway between it’s current location and Theresa Giudice.
It gets worse, though. If you’re clinging to a rocky ledge on the top of Mount Nausea this morning after waking up spooning either an empty bottle or some hose beast who was your best option at last call a few hours ago, allow Sydney to stomp on your fingers in exquisite heels from Discountstripper.com to send your hungover ass hurtling into the vomiting abyss. TMZ also said she will be SELLING her expertly butchered deli meat cast-offs on abiBids.com.
I hate myself for trying to figure out which category they would be listed under. RARE Finds? That could work if there’s a roast beef pun in there somewhere. All I know is that someone at that website needs to change the name of Memorabilia to Memoralabia for the duration of the auction if that’s what Sydney’s leather is going to be categorized as. There’s no minimum unless you count dignity, so bid away, sick fucks!
I hate Kanye West a little more today, because when I woke up this morning and saw a headline for something called “Bound 2,” the nipples on my soul got hard thinking that Hollywood was finally doing something right by making a long-awaited and highly-anticipated sequel to this lesbian erotic thriller masterpiece extravaganza:
But no, I’m not going to get fresh scenes of a butch Gina Gershon scissoring with a glamorous chola Betty Boop played by Jennifer Tilly. “Bound 2″ is the name of the song that Kanye just shat out a video for. This is not the Bound 2 that anybody wanted. Instead of getting shots of Gina Rob Ford’ing Jennifer Tilly, we get Kanye boning a naked and lifeless Kim on a motorcycle in front a bunch of moving landscape paintings bought at the swap meet.
Kanye Kardashian debuted his video for “Bound 2” on Ellen and I don’t know whether to tell you that it’s best if you watch it with your eyes closed or with the mute button on, so I’ll just tell you to watch with your eyes closed and with the mute button on.
That video is the opposite of an inspiration poster. At the dentist office in the ninth circle of hell, that video is on the ceiling instead of a Where’s Waldo? poster. These two dildos have the on-screen chemistry of Backdoor Farrah’s gaping b-hole and James Deens’ soft dick. They make Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley look like two horny rabbits who actually love fucking each other.
I kept waiting for Ellen to jump out of that Sears Portrait Studio background and declare that this is just a prank, but that didn’t happen. Kanye West is serious with this shit and Kanye West is delusional enough to be serious with this shit. I just wish that Ellen’s cameras showed reaction shots from her audience, because the Internet definitely needs more GIFs of middle-aged women making “…the fuck is this life?” faces.
If you still haven’t been able to go to Panda Express, because the nightmare that is Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” is still too raw in your brain, then you might want to stay away from this too. It’ll instantly make you allergic to punch, puppets and windowless vans. Leave it to Patrice Wilson to make windowless vans even creepier.
Alison Gold and the evil doer who is responsible for Rebecca Black, Patrice Wilson of Ark Music Factory, are back with a dark-sided prequel to “Chinese Food” called “ABCDEFG” and it is A-P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-W-R-E-C-K. Any music video that starts out with Patrice Wilson in Mister Rogers drag (Mister Rogers’ estate needs to sue his ass for SLANDER) peeping into a dollhouse window is the kind of video that is going to make your skin fall off of your body. It’s like watching a horror movie and I kept screaming at that Alison Gold girl.
At 0:15 – Girl, he’s behind you! We know you know your ABCs and shit, so stop singing and ruuuuuun!
At 1:00 – NO! Girl, DO NOT get in that van. Only serial killers (and worse, EMOs) write notes with cut-up magazine letters!
At 1:12 – WHY DID YOU GET IN THAT VAN?! And why does that van look like a bootleg, low-budget version of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill?
And it gets worse. Wilson’s Van takes Alison to the dance where Patrice roofies her punch with some love potion so the boy (or girl, I’m not sure) she likes falls in love with her. Patrice sucks at being a pedo wizard, because he put puppet potion in her punch instead of love potion. And then it ends with Patrice turning Alison’s little crush into Chinese food with a Chinese food potion and she eats her friend!
This is the absolute worst and most horrific after-school special ever and it doesn’t even have a happy ending. Somebody call the police, the FBI, Chris Hansen and everybody else.
When I was a kid, I used to soak my Frosted Mini-Wheats in milk, pull one out, suck all the frosting off and then drop it next to the bowl. That pile of frosting-less, rejected, sad, soggy Mini-Wheats is what I was reminded of when I saw these fucked-up stupid pictures of Lady CaCa strolling out of the Ritz-Carlton in Berlin today. Bitch looks like the worst and least popular Dr. Who villain of all-time.
Bitch looks like a gold duck drowning in a giant box full of dirty, 10-week-old cat litter. Bitch looks like a cracker made out of yeast infection discharge. Bitch looks like a giant piece of Nicki Minaj’s wig dandruff. I just want to grab her ass, put her on a slingshot and use her to kill pigs. This is some Angry Birds Chernobyl-style shit.
With all that being said, I’m happy that CaCa is one with the crazy again and finding new and creative ways to cover up her head. And that block of insulation foam looks more natural and luscious than all of her wigs.
After weeks of Lady CaCa basically saying that the
Fartpoop Artpop cover is a groundbreaking piece of important HIGH ART and her Little Monsters saying that her cover is going to make us feel like we’re on a magic carpet ride because it’s a whole new world, she finally twatted it out today.
For the cover, Cicciolina’s ex-husband Jeff Koons made a sculpture of a naked CaCa grabbing her titty balls while birthing out a garden gazing ball from Target. I know I need a PhD in art history to fully understand Lady CaCa’s art, but I’m still going to say that this MS Paint wreck makes that sculpture of Brit Brit pushing out a Cheetoling look like the new Statue of David.
And since I brought up Cicciolina and your eyes might need a palate cleanser, here’s a stunning picture of her and her pristine pussy.
That pussy’s sundial eyes tell me that this picture was taken at exactly 12:15pm. Only Cicciolina could look that gorgeous and glamorous so early in the afternoon.
This is the reason why I’ll be crying tears of insomnia tonight. Because every time I close my eyelids, the sight of Lady CaCa looking like the gutter baby of The Thing and Black Swan will haunt my dreams.
Lady CaCa took a quick break from thinking she’s the Selena to Perez Hilton’s Yolanda Saldivar and she went over to Good Morning America to debut the music video for “Applause” on screens all over Time Square. Pigeon suicide in Times Square went up by 1000% when the sight of a swanified Lady CaCa with 2009 Bieber hair hit every screen.
I don’t think CaCa shoved enough references and visuals into this video, because it references pretty much everything and anything. If the mattress scene from Black Swan gorged itself on the magic show scenes from Desperately Seeking Susan, The Cars’ video for “You Might Think,” Shakespears Sister’s video for “Stay,” a RuPaul’s Drag Race ad, John Galliano’s ass nectar, Mimi’s mermaid costume and a Tim Burton brain fart, this is what it would barf out:
And now I need to cleanse my brain of the dark-sided image of CaCa Swan with Vampire Viking Peen!
If you need 2 community college art class credits, then watch this NSFW HIGH ART piece from the performance artist to the stars Marina Abramovic and Lady CaCa. This shit, which I’m obviously not deep enough to understand, is to promote Marina Abramovic’s Kickstarter for her institute which will teach hos The Marina Abramovic Method. Here’s the description:
The Abramovic Method is Abramovic’s adaptation of her Cleaning the House workshops for the general public. The method helps participants to develop skills for observing long durational performances through a series of exercises and environments designed to increase awareness of their physical and mental experience in the moment. Abramovic will install this method at MAI via a series of chambers, each dedicated to one of these exercises.
Based on this fuckery of a video, The Marina Abramovic Method involves:
1. Moaning like a cow slowly getting stung to death by a swarm of bees.
2. Lying on the floor in mental hospital pajamas
3. Wearing a cone dildo mask while chanting out some Illuminati crap into the heavens as I stand in a lake.
4. Walking through the forest with my nipples and waxed crotch out.
5. Spooning with a
crystal giant crack rock from Pete Doherty’s stash.
I don’t need to sign up for some class to do all that. I just need to drive out to a forest and take some peyote.
And now I need to wipe my screen with holy water wipes, because I have a feeling that in 7 days, Lady CaCa is going to crawl through my screen to “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh” in my ear until I lose my mind and join the Little Monsters.
Last month, the Saint Joseph to Blue Ivy Carter’s Jesus tried to take Kanye’s place as the High Priestess of Hip Hop HIGH Art when he performed at a gallery in NYC with a bunch of actors, artists and fancy people type for 6 hours. Jay Z’s entire performance (f)art piece was shot by director Mark Rominek and turned into a music video for “Picasso Baby,” which premiered on HBO last night.
If you’ve got ten minutes of eye rolling in you, watch Jay Z talk about art before watching all those people (including Michael K. Williams, Taraji P. Henson, Jim Jarmusch, Adam from Girls, Jessa from Girls, Marina Abramovic, Rosie Perez and Fab Five Freddy) take turns performing for him or watching him perform. It’s like a bizarre show & tell/talent show where there’s no winners. Afterward, Guinness World Records awarded Jay Z for hosting the longest ego stroke in history. But seriously, while watching this, I kept noticing that nobody had a clear plastic cup full of something mind-numbing in their hands. Where was the open bar? They stood there watching Jay Z and others perform for hours under bright ass lights and they did it while sober. That’s harder than any endurance challenge on Survivor.
Okay, okay, I did turn my permanent glum cunt frown into a smile when the Marilyn Monroe-like memaw in the clear glasses messed Jay Z up by just sitting down.
Meanwhile, across town, Kanye West was sitting on a metal folding chair in the middle of a darkened gallery wondering why nobody showed up to his performance art party….