Category: Jizz
Stevie Wonder Is Going To Be A Dad For The 9th, 10th And 11th Time
Yup, 9 months after this picture of Stevie Wonder pressing his fertile dick wand against that keytar was taken, it gave birth to his babies. Tickling the ivories, indeed.
I always praise KFed and Lil Wayne as the fertile, baby-making jizz gods of the celebrity world and I’ve been wrong this whole time. Because all of the praise needs to go to Stevie “The 8th World” Wonder and his army of potent, ovary egg-busting sperm fishes. If you bareback bone Stevie Wonder, there’s a 100% chance that your doctor will call you a few weeks later to say, “I just caaaaaaaaalled to saaaaaay YOU PREGNANT.” Stevie already has 8 kids with 5 different women and Page Six says that he’s about to be a father to triplets.
Some source says that 64-year-old Stevie’s 40-year-old girlfriend of a year Tomeeka Robyn Bracy is knocked up with a trio of fetuses. The source doesn’t say whether or not Stevie overjizzed his girlfriend naturally or if it was an IVF situation and he fapped into a plastic cup. If it’s the latter, that plastic cup is also pregnant. The only thing the source said is that Tomeeka’s got a gut full of Wonder babies and making babies makes him happy:
“It’s Stevie’s mechanism for his happiness. I don’t know that he set out to have 11 children, including triplets at his age, but it’s not like he isn’t happy about it or he can’t afford children.”
Tomeeka birthed out Stevie’s 8th child just last year. Stevie’s eldest kid, singer Aisha Morris, is 39. Stevie’s rep didn’t have shit to say about this.
Sitting at a high school graduation is hell, but sitting at a high school graduation when you’re 80-something years old sounds like hell’s hell. Who wants to suffer through that? But if Pepaw Stevie wants to spend his “vodka and prune juice on the lanai at 3pm” phase of life getting slobbered on by a baby, then good for him. I’m sure the workers in the child support check payment processing industry thank for him the job security. And before you slut shame Stevie Wonder for having 11 kids with 5 baby mothers, did you ever stop to think that maybe he thought he was busting raw nuts up into the same trick all these years?
James Franco Who? Miley Cyrus Turned The Pineapple Cum Trick Into High Art
The face of the art world is about to get covered with a load of sticky, pineapple-infused cum and surprisingly enough, it’s not going to come from James Franco’s mouth. Franco, Lady CaCa, Joaquin Phoenix, Shia LaBeouf and Jay-Z can all eject themselves out of the art world, because a new challenger has arrived. Moonshine’s answer to Jeff Koons made a collection of sculptures (read: bitch didn’t make shit on her own) using crap and junk she’s collected from fans and airport stores during her tour. Miley Cyrus is going to debut her sculptures at V Magazine’s office gallery in Manhattan tomorrow. One of Miley’s cracked out “sculptures” is a pineapple and she tells V (via Jezebel, or in this case we should call it Jizzebel) that she created it after being inspired by yummy cum.
“This one’s a vibrator, which I got from a fan. They threw it on stage. And that’s a joint [attached to it], so that’s the vibe. I’ve gotten more and more about piling things on, but I try to put thought into everything. Even though it’s so stupid, I did the pineapple because you know what they say about pineapple, right? Yummy cum? If you drink a lot of pineapple juice you’re going to have yummy cum. So that’s why I put it on the dick with a bunch of babies, and it says, “Fuck.” I try to think about everything so it has a story to me.”
Fifty Shades Of Sperm
One of the only good things to come out of Charlie Hunnam getting cast in Fifty Shades of Grey is that now I have a reason to post a picture of his nipples all the times. So, there IS that.
Actress Chloe Bridges, who’s in that Carrie Diaries mess, was asked to audition for Fifty Shades of Grey, but she couldn’t do it after she read the sides they gave her. At the presentation for Alice + Olivia’s new collection in NYC on Monday, Chloe told Cosmo that she almost died while reading the sides, because the word (Warning to all you innocent, chaste flowers out there: the following word will make you want to dip your eyeballs in holy water, so get yourself to a church before reading this) “SPERM” was in there not once, but twice. The word SPERM! Chloe says that the word wasn’t even used in a medical way. It was used in a SEX way. My eyes have seen some sucio shit before, but nothing is more sucio than the word SPERM. I think I need to see a priest. While clutching her rosary, Chloe said this:
“There were three pages of sides that I was going to audition with. I read them and then was like, I really can’t do this. If you read these three pages of sides, you would die. I still like show them to my friends for fun.
The scene was, like, the girl telling her friends about some sexcapade she had. But it goes into extreme detail and uses the word ‘sperm’ a couple times. I was like, I don’t know guys, I have to go home to my grandparent’s house in a few months at Christmas, I don’t know if I can do this. It was intense. So mad props to the people who are going to do it. You had to be able to take it seriously and not laugh or turn bright red.”
But really, what 20-something uses the word “sperm” while talking about getting jizzed on by her master? “Ohmygosh you guys, and then he, the male, pulled his erect phallus out of my vagina and ejaculated his semen all over my upper abdominal area.”
I don’t think they’ve bought one costume or made one set for the Fifty Shades movie yet and it’s already turning into a giant puddle of shit. Oh wait, I should say that it’s turning into a giant puddle of feces.
Here’s Charlie Hunnam hopefully regretting his life choices while getting lunch on the set of Sons of Anarchy in L.A. yesterday. I’ve never noticed this before, but that flesh beard makes him look like a butch Spencer Pratt.
