I ended up falling right into Marvel’s thirst trap, just like the every other horny ho I know, when I finally took my ass to see Black Panther. While Danai Gurira is the one that had me siding a few notches sideways on the Kinsey Scale, I was not immune to the particular charms of Michael B. Jordan and his perfectly swole pectorals. Even my 70-year-old auntie came to me in a flush asking where that sexy young man with the bumps on his chest came from and where could she see more of him. So I’m not surprised that Michael has been causing high school children’s hormones to act a fool. One girl allegedly got so hot and bothered, she bit down so hard she snapped her retainer!
The only thing people up here in Boston love more than a laaaahge Dunkin iced coffee and a scratch-off to go with a morning cigg is a flavored fizzy water, and apparently Millennials are also into that shit (minus the smokes, scratchies, and Dunkies). Diet Coke is taking note, which is why those cans are getting a new lewk and getting more flavors – La Croix, call a lawyer! This is some Single White Female shit! Continue reading
You may remember (“How could I forget?” said everyone who still has the image of The Game’s giant party sub dick seared into their retinas) that two weeks ago, rapper-turned-aspiring fuck prose artiste The Game posted a picture of himself in his underwear to Instagram with a wall of nasty hashtags. Well, I have good news for those of you who looked at The Game’s lycra-wrapped bulge and yelled: “MORE! I DEMAND MORE!!!”; it looks like this is going to be a weekly thing now.
The Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California has tossed a lawsuit into the lap of Tom Selleck for allegedly committing several acts of water thievery since 2013. Tom and his wife Jillie Mack are accused of stealing thousands of gallons of water from a fire hydrant near a construction site in Thousands Oaks, CA and transporting that stolen agua to his 60-acre ranch and avocado farm in the Hidden Valley area. This case is way too low-on-the-ladder for Detective La Toya, so this is a case for Magnum P.I.! Oh wait, Tom is Magnum P.I. This is a case for Jessica Fletcher! Water, he stole.
Courthouse News Service (via THR) says that in the court documents, the water district claims that a commercial truck sucked water out of that fire hydrant and drove it back to Chateau de Stache a total of 12 times in the span of 18 months. The water district says that the truck stole water 7 times from September 2013 to October 2013. In November 2013, they wanted Tom to stop stealing water, so they sent cease-and-desist letters to both of his homes in Southern California. Those letters did nothing to stop Tom’s alleged water snatching ways. They claim the truck went back to drink free water from the hydrant 5 more times: 1 time in December 2013 and 4 times in March 2015.
I know you’re wondering what the fire hydrant that Tom stuck his hose in looks like, so thankfully, The Daily Mail got a picture of it from Google.
The water district paid a private investigator $21,685.55 to track and document Tom’s water-looting truck. They want Tom to pay them back and they’re also demanding that he pay court fees, attorney costs and other damages to be determined.
Tom Selleck hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure he has a really good explanation for stealing water IN THIS DROUGHT (which is the new “IN THIS ECONOMY.”) It must take a whole lot of water to keep the majestic grand lawn above his mouth thick and luxurious. If all of us in California turn to dust due to this drought, it’s okay as long as Tom Selleck’s national treasure stache and brows stay lush and gorgeous.
Pics: Google, Wenn.com
Backdoor Farrah has already checked off “leak your own
sex tape porn,” “give a tabloid a picture of you getting your tits done again,” “get into a feud with a fellow mess” and “assault the ears of the people with your life-ruining music” from the How To Stay Famous When You’ve Got The Talent Of A Sloth’s Dingle checklist and now she can check off something else!
Radar says that yesterday, Farrah Abraham started a 10-day outpatient program at the Lukens Institute (aka the rehab center of choice for fame whores) in Palm Beach Gardens, FL, because she was guzzling down the sweet nectar a little too much and also because people stopped talking about her for a second. Farrah was put on probation for 6 months and had to complete an alcohol education course after she pleaded guilty to DUI. Backdoor Farrah tells Radar that getting caught driving drunk really ruined her life and she’s going to rehab to deal with that, or something:
“At this time in my life, I need to stay focused on the positive to get through all of the negative that a DUI has caused in my life. I’m 22 and I want to make better choices and ensure I can recognize when I am putting myself in a bad situation next time.”
Farrah’s 4-year-old daughter Sophia will stay with Farrah’s dad while she goes through the $12,000 program.
What a sad excuse for a fame whore. Farrah, as always, is doing it all wrong. Doesn’t she know that she isn’t supposed to pull out the rehab card until Vh1 brings back Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab? This bitch is squirting her entire load out way too fast. Every fame whore knows that you’re supposed to let the publicity stunts trickle out slowly. In the past year, bitch has been arrested for DUI, leaked her own butt porn, said a bunch of dumb shit and got plastic surgery. Farrah is running out of shit to shock us with. What’s next? Turn lesbian with Tan Mom for a second, elope with Michael Lohan or do something really shocking like read a Little Golden Book without sounding out the words.
Oh, Feya, Feya, Feya… If only she and James Deen pulled out a clue when they stuck their fingers into her bottomless box of tricks.
Here’s Farrah showing off her new and not-improved Tupperware titty balls in Las Vegas last month.
The Bumblebeys (yes, I get pus-filled hives on my fingers every time I type that) of Antwerp, Belgium won’t be able to see their Queen of the Beyhive (there comes those hives again) make overexcited dog faces (see: the face above) in concert, because she has canceled tonight’s show and she might cancel tomorrow night’s show too. According to UsWeekly, Beyonce’s spokeswhore tells the AP that she’s come down with a serious case of the tireds and a serious case of the thirsties. Beyonce just needs to put on her restin’ wig and have a seat. (Yes, some of you have been telling her to have a seat for years and she’s finally answering your prayers.)
Beyonce is one month into her Mrs. Carter Show world tour and she has three more months to go. Beyonce’s rep says that doctors ordered her to lie down on a pile of freshly plucked swan feathers as her minions bring her hand-carved ice balls on a gold platter. I’m really supposed to beylieve that Beyonce’s doctors ordered her to rest? Beyonce probably went up to her doctors and said, “Hi, I’m Beyonce, write me a sick note now. I’m waiting, whore.”
Beyonce’s rep also said that Beyonce’s doctors will decide soon if she’s going to perform tomorrow night.
Usually when celebwhores use the “exhaustion” excuse, it means they’re cracked out on crack or they don’t want to tell people the real reason for why they’re canceling shit. So of course this is just giving more life to the rumor that she’s expecting another chosen one. If that’s the case, then I totally believe that Beyonce is tired and dehydrated. Because walking around with a pillow strapped to your belly is really tiring and just thinking about it makes me thirsty for a cold pop.