First off, hello, hello, hellooo! My name is Emily and I’m so excited to be one of the new Dlisted writers. I’m a comedian/writer in Toronto, originally from Cobourg, Ontario (shout out to the two deeply closeted teens from that small town shrieking in delight at the mention). I love statement eyebrows, my cat Bob Sacamano, loungin’, drinkin’, and loudly making fun of things. I’m also single, which segues seamlessly into this very horny post.
The Internet sputtered out a collective “hubba hubbaaaa!” yesterday when John Mulaney posted this pornographic Instagram pic of him and Andy Samberg. Maybe it’s the exposed biceps, maybe it’s the glasses, maybe it’s the rolled up t-shirt sleeves. Either way, the internet slobbered over that thirst trap. No joke, two of my friends already have it as their iPhone background. And they aren’t alone. We’re all this thirsty:
BREAKING: John Mulaney and Andy Samberg have officially been traded from Team Funny to Team Hot, joining other notable recent trades Kumail Nanjiani and Steve Carrell. pic.twitter.com/0uUn5t4cc5
— Lizz Adams (@Lizz) February 6, 2020
IM NOT GONNA SAY A SINGLE WORD pic.twitter.com/0ydEYXdSJp
— j*ss (@channelglimmer) February 5, 2020
John’s always insisted he resembles a gangly prepubescent boy, but I never bought it.
Clearly John is one of those male comics who claim they’re awkward and/or ugly in their act, but make no mistake: even the unfunniest, non-hot dudes get laid after shows. Female comics? Not so much. But the real crime here is everyone ignoring my would-be husband, Andy Samberg, who’s rocking the Hot Professor look. I’ve been sexually obsessed with that man since high school. Remember The ‘Bu? That shit was my 2004 porn (incognito mode didn’t exist back then and I was an anxious teen!).
But back to Daddy Long Legs Mulaney. He recently announced he had to cancel a gig in Toronto (for the third time this winter) to host Saturday Night Live on February 29th. Luckily, he had Canuck Lorne Michaels to co-sign his cancellation:
View this post on Instagram
A letter from Lorne Michaels to the people of Toronto. Please read and understand I am terribly sorry to move the show again. It is now rescheduled for April 10 and I will be there no matter what. I love you Toronto I hope you know that I won’t let you down again. Also I’m afraid of Lorne so I do what he says.
WAIT. Did John only post that James Dean-esque thirst trap in a cheap attempt to butter up Toronto before, once again, fucking us over? What a fuckboi move…