As Tom Brady asked a Met Gala server if the kitchen could whip him up a bowl of steamed organic grass lightly drizzled with distilled air, he was getting roasted on Twitter by haters who just can’t take his impeccable taste in suits that make him look like the day-shift manager of a Zorro-themed casino in Reno.
Tom Brady fans probably came up with a million ways to convince themselves that last Sunday’s Super Bowl loss wasn’t Tom Brady’s fault. Tom accidentally ingested a strawberry and it made him temporarily forget what a football was, maybe. According to USA Today, Gisele’s reported explanation to her kids was that the Eagles hadn’t won “in a million years” and that sometimes you have to “let someone else win” because “sharing is caring.” Gisele says she didn’t mean it like that.
It’s a good thing it isn’t below freezing in Boston today because everyone’s tears from the Patriots loss in the Super Bowl would have turned this place into a Kmart version of the Frozen set. The Philadelphia Eagles got their first Super Bowl win last night at the expense of Tom Brady and the rest of the New England Patriots. While most people were focusing on the commercials, the game, or anything that wasn’t Justin Timberlake, a few of us were keeping tabs on what Tom’s ladies, past and present, had to say about the game. Don’t worry. They had thoughts. Continue reading
BREAKING IMPORTANT NEWS: For the second time this year (that we know of), Tom Brady did a big boy thing by cooking something himself, and he cooked up something that would usually make him and Gisele Bundchen dry heave from the carb-y fatness of it all.
This past Thanksgiving, Trump’s bro boo made his grandma’s biscuits, and he made them again for Christmas. Tom and Giz don’t put any white sugar, dairy and white flour in their mouths, and unless Tom’s grandma was the original GOOP, I’m sure her biscuits are made with white sugar, dairy and white flour. Giz posted an Instagram story of Tom pulling a thing of biscuits out of the oven before slathering them with more butter. The way Giz says, “Oh my god, more butter,” tells me that she’s making a mental note to trash that measuring cup, brush, pan, baking sheet and oven because they’ve all been exposed to fat and carbs!
Get you a man that can do both… pic.twitter.com/v1aUrceGuo
— Only In Boston (@OnlyInBOS) December 25, 2017
And after Tom put those biscuits on the table, he and Giz looked at them for five seconds before he went off to the refrigerator to get the grass-fed grass that they really ate for dinner and she went off to put in an emergency training session with their trainer. I mean, has science ever really proven that you can’t ingest fat and carbs through sight? I think not!
Forbes reports that leggy, pouty thing Kendall Jenner is 2017’s highest-paid model. And in juuuuuuust the right level of knife twist, they add that it’s the first time since 2002 that the crown has not been worn by Gisele Bundchen. Meow! Kendall hauled in $22 million over the last year, which I’m sure makes Kris Jenner elated, since her Madam ass takes 40%. Kidding, she gets the family discount (39%).
Um….ok, let’s just hear what he’s got to say before going in, shall we?
NFL higher being and country club integrationist (dumb pro jocks and haughty, opinionated supermodels were finally afforded the same rights as blacks, Jews, and women!) Tom Brady recently released a lifestyle tome – The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Peak Performance. One of his book’s many kernels of advice to fanboys who aspire to Teutonic football greatness is that you don’t need sunscreen. Despite the fact that sunburn can occur in 15 minutes and melanoma is a clear and present danger, Tom thinks that all you need to do is drink gallons of water and your body will just begin rejecting harmful UV rays? Wait, WHAT? Continue reading