Forbes reports that leggy, pouty thing Kendall Jenner is 2017’s highest-paid model. And in juuuuuuust the right level of knife twist, they add that it’s the first time since 2002 that the crown has not been worn by Gisele Bundchen. Meow! Kendall hauled in $22 million over the last year, which I’m sure makes Kris Jenner elated, since her Madam ass takes 40%. Kidding, she gets the family discount (39%).
Um….ok, let’s just hear what he’s got to say before going in, shall we?
NFL higher being and country club integrationist (dumb pro jocks and haughty, opinionated supermodels were finally afforded the same rights as blacks, Jews, and women!) Tom Brady recently released a lifestyle tome – The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Peak Performance. One of his book’s many kernels of advice to fanboys who aspire to Teutonic football greatness is that you don’t need sunscreen. Despite the fact that sunburn can occur in 15 minutes and melanoma is a clear and present danger, Tom thinks that all you need to do is drink gallons of water and your body will just begin rejecting harmful UV rays? Wait, WHAT? Continue reading
The Boston YMCA can rest easy tonight: Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s names will no longer be stinking up the wait-list to use the NordicTrack after work, because the Boston Globe reports their application to join the (*cue Robin Leach voice*) verrrrry exclusive and verrrry Brahmin The Country Club in Chestnut Hill, MA has been accepted.
Every year, there’s always a giant chunk of celebrities at the Met Gala who completely wet fart on the theme and go with their own, which is usually: Rejected Dresses Leftover From Awards Season. Even Anna Wintour showed up to this year’s Met Gala in some dusty dress that Carol Channing definitely wore a million times better in the 1960s (see: Anna Wintour in the gallery below looking like a sad lamp from Liberace’s least favorite guest room). While watching the Vogue live feed of the Met Gala last night, some bland, I forgot who, said something about how she wanted to be comfortable. Bitch, if you want to be comfortable, stay at home in your sweats and t-shirt and watch the live feed while sitting on your futon like the rest of us do! You’re doing the Met Gala completely wrong if it doesn’t take six assistants, a registered nurse, a long plastic hose, a thing of KY and a janitor with a mop to help you piss.
But in last night’s sea of basic (see: the sea of basic in the gallery after the cut), there were a few bright spots of fuckery who actually paid attention in class when the theme was given. Enter: RiRi!
On election eve, Donald Trump bragged at a rally in New Hampshire that his “great friend” Tom Brady voted for him. This was news to Tom, who claimed he hadn’t voted yet. When asked on social media if she and her husband were Team Trump, Gisele Bundchen responded with a loud “NO.” Things at the Bundchen-Brady home must have been a really awkward during their usual dinner of blanched celery leaves that night, because Tom says he’s not allowed to talk about politics anymore. Politics, please take your place with sugar, coffee, strawberries, and everything else that’s not allowed anywhere near Tom Brady’s mouth.
On Erection Eve – That was a typo and I’m going to keep it, even though it makes no sense since this caca storm of an election has been the complete opposite of sexy and nobody’s got a boner. Well, Ken Bone may have a boner since that trick is always horny.
But anyway, on Election Eve, the mutated Oompa Loompa gooch wart was at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire where he said that Tom Brady voted for him. It wouldn’t be that surprising if Tom voted for Trump, because they are bro-friends (see: them in the picture above looking like conjoined twins from HELL) and he did have a “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker room. But in Tom’s defense, he may not have not know what that hat meant since he can’t read. Tom also said last year that he thinks Trump has what it takes to be president.