The only thing more suspect than Tom Brady’s deflated balls is how he two-stepped over from pregnant ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan and got with Gisele Bundchen. Gisl has already blabbed in the past about how it was kind of messy (Tom and Bridget didn’t know she was pregnant when they split…but still) and even thought about dumping his ass. When Bridget named their kid John Edward Thomas (the same initials as New England Patriots rival the New York Jets), most people thought that was her saying exactly how she felt. Now, Bridget wrote an essay and seems to be kind of peachy with how things ended up. Dammit, what’s with all the happiness in this jaded world?!
We already knew Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady share weird as fuck diets of no sugar, no strawberries, and basically no fun. Given the no fun in their day-to-day life, it should come as no shock they wouldn’t have any fun gearing up for their tenth anniversary today. That must be it because how else can you explain them sharing a jet from Los Angeles to Boston yesterday with Robert Kraft, the Patriots owner who got busted in a sex trafficking sting!?!?!
The ring leader of the “Let’s bring Kendall Jenner down a few pegs” clique, Gisele Bundchen, has a book to hawk. Called Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life, I was surprised to learn that the book wasn’t just a steno pad where she wrote “Make millions, wear couture, and sleep with athletes – all meaningful!” Instead, Gisele’s path to a meaningful life was fraught with panic attacks, claustrophobia, and even considering a jump off her mom’s high-rise balcony. Luckily, she didn’t do that and quit the sauce before splitting from Leonardo DiCaprio.
Somehow, I don’t think things are so rosy in the Gisele Bundchen–Tom Brady household. For the second year in a row, Kendall Jenner tops the lists of money-making models. Someone better not tell Naomi Campbell, or her laser-eyed wrath will be all over the Kardashian Koven! For someone who is oh-so-selective with the jobs (minus this one) Kris Jenner forces upon her, she sure is making a ton of cash from it. Kendall tops the list with $22.5 million made. Gisele tumbled down to number 5!
Most of us here in Boston assume Bridget Moynihan purposefully cuts out Brazil in the maps inside her kids’ geography textbooks and that Gisele Bundchen barfs anytime she sees Coyote Ugly playing on TBS. It’s well known that when Tom Brady hooked up with Gisele, he found out two months later that Bridget was pregnant with his baby. When Bridget gave birth, she named him John “Jack” Edward Thomas Moynahan, which us petty hos clapped at since “JET” happens to also be the name of the New England Patriots’ biggest rival. We all assumed the Haus of Bundchen and the Haus of Moynahan must loathe each other, but Gisele is out hawking her memoir, and says she’s actually cool with Tom’s ex.
It’s not easy being Gisele Bundchen. I mean, you have to live with Tom Brady 24/7 and make sure he isn’t trying to sneak any strawberries onto his desert of Fiji Water and sugar-free Tic-Tacs. But Gisele had another thing to worry about her: her post-babies boob job. Gisele has a new memoir Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life so pieces of it are being released. In addition to talking about her battle with panic attacks, she talks about time she got a boob job. Plastic surgery?! On a supermodel?! Color. Me. SHOCKED!