Actors hungry for that Oscar prepared for hustling season last night by Spanx-ing up their bodies, saying goodbye to real food for a couple of months and gargling with lemon-infused hot water so their voices are moistened up enough for them to talk, talk and talk about how much they suffered while playing the role they should win all the awards for. Of course I’m not lumping Laurie Metcalf with those actors. She doesn’t have to do all that shit, because she’s Laurie Fucking Metcalf and if she wants respect, all she has to do is say, “I played Aunt Jackie in Roseanne.”
Awards season officially started last night with the opening of The Palm Springs International Film Festival, where Jessica Chastain (Chairman’s Awards), everyone involved with The Shape of Water (Vanguard Award), Allison Janney (Spotlight Award), Gary Oldman (Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actor), Mary J. Blige (Breakthrough Performance Award), Holly Hunter (Career Achievement Award), Timothée Chalamet (Rising Star Award), Willem Dafoe (Icon Award) and more were honored.
Laurie Metcalf was there to honor her Lady Bird co-star Saoirse Ronan with the Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actress. We already knew this, but Aunt Jackie is a saint. I mean, she showed up to an award show to give someone else a trophy instead of getting one. A 20-year-old model is probably trapped under a passed out Leonardo DiCaprio right now, because he fainted over the thought of that.
Not only did Laurie Metcalf show up to honor someone else, but she brought the glamour too by wearing what a 90s Taco Bell would wear if it was turned into a human and became the leader of a new age cult.
Here’s more from last night, and you can stop after Suzanne Somers, because the star power and glamour does downhill from there.
Can you believe that Gary Oldman is only 59! I swear I’m not trying to be cute here but I always thought Gary was a, well, an older man. Maybe it was the old man rantings from of while back. At any rate Gary may be younger than I thought but in terms of marriages, he’s got the track record of a man who’s definitely been around the block a few times. Page Six reports that he’s just entered into his fifth go-round at the altar with Gisele Schmidt.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
Since Jonah Hill has made late-night talk shows the go-to-place for Hollywood whores to barf up a bouquet of “I’m Sorry” mylar balloons for the slurs that have leaped off of their tongues, Gary Oldman used him time on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to once again apologize for all the messy shit he said during his angry rant of an interview with Playboy. Gary already dribbled out an apology to the Anti-Defamation League and the “chosen ones,” but that apology was wrapped in sarcasm and dipped in troll nectar, so the ADL told him in so many words to shove that apology up his culito. So Gary gave it another go.
It seems like Gary was totally into and feeling the hell out of everything he spit out to Playboy and now he’s almost doing a complete 180, because studio executives told him to make nice with the ticket-buying public or he can blow an air kiss at all those 7-figure blockbuster franchise paychecks. Before Gary talked about the movie that he’ll eventually talk shit about when all the checks are cashed, he told Jimmy that he realizes his Playboy interview was a mess when he saw it in print.
“It was an article I did with Playboy and I said some things that were poorly considered. Once I seen it in print, I saw that it was offensive, insensitive, pernicious and ill-informed. Words have meaning and they carry weight. And they carry on long after you’ve said them. I don’t condone or excuse the words that I used in any context. I just basically shouldn’t have used them, but I did and I have injured and wounded a great many people. I appreciate you having me here and extending your hospitality and to put me in this seat once again and it gives me the opportunity to say to those people that I, from my heart, I am profoundly, profoundly sorry, deeply apologetic … especially to the fans as they have been so incredible to me and loyal. My nickname for them is Team Oldman. I really feel like I let them down, especially to the young fans. I am a public figure, I should be an example and inspiration and I am an a—hole. I am 56. I should know better. I extend my apology and my love and best wishes to my fan base.”
Jimmy Kimmel reminded everyone that Gary Oldman is Gary Oldman, which is what I thought while watching his apology. Gary Oldman is an ACK-TERR! If Gary Oldman told us that he genuinely felt enjoyment while watching Keeping Up With The Kartrashians, we’d believe him even though nobody feels real enjoyment from watching that turd puddle. But really, Jonah Hill did the whole apology thing better. And it’s scary to think that we’re living in a world where Jonah Hill might be a better actor that Gary Oldman. Fuck you for that, Oldman.
Because Gary Oldman’s got a movie to whore out hard and Jews, The Fifth Element fans (yes, he threw shade at The Fifth Element, sharpen your shanks) and black people buy a lot of movie tickets, he started off his inevitable apology tour last night by releasing a statement to the Anti-Defamation League where he apologized for the Jewish stereotypes his mouth hole farted up during his ranting interview with Playboy. Gary (or whoever wrote that apology) laid it on extra, extra thick and that statement read like it was dripping in condescending sarcasm. One of the last lines in his statement was, “The Jewish People, persecuted thorough the ages, are the first to hear God’s voice, and surely are the chosen people.” I’m surprised he didn’t end that statement with, “Viva Matzah Balls!” The Anti-Defamation League didn’t buy Gary’s apology, which is kind of surprising, because some charity organization (see: PETA) would take Gary’s fake apology, get him to star in an ad campaign and milk the shit out of him. But the ADL told Gary to try again. via Yahoo
The Anti-Defamation League was unimpressed by Oldman’s apology for defending Mel Gibson’s past anti-Semitic comments.
“We have just begun a conversation with his managing producer,” said Abraham H. Foxman, national director of the ADL. “At this point, we are not satisfied with what we have received. His apology is insufficient and not satisfactory.”
Since Gary’s first apology was wrapped in lukewarm sarcasm, I fully expect him to apologize again by dressing up as an Orthodox rabbi and going to the ADL’s offices to sing every song from Fiddler on the Roof while clutching an autographed picture of Barbra Streisand.
Gary’s entire Playboy interview, where he gets into EVERYTHING, is here if your eyes need it. While reading that interview I came across this dingle that told me everything I need to know about Gary Oldman:
PLAYBOY: What’s your take on legalizing marijuana?
OLDMAN: It’s silly to me. I’m not for it.
Bitch should be for it, because bitch sounds like he needs some. Good day, Sirius Black.
And here comes the Ahs Sowwy Express with Gary Oldman waving from the caboose.
The Anti-Defamation League was not happy with Gary Oldman for the stuff he said about Jews and Mel Gibson during his long, angry, messy, rambling rant to Playboy. Gary said that pus-filled ass pimple Mel Gibson got shunned by Hollywood for that crap he said about Jews during his arrest, because Jews run Hollywood. Gary also said that he wishes he could mold political correctness into a bunch of dildos and shove them up the asses of all the PC whores out there. The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement saying that Gary’s claim that the Jews rule Hollywood ”is an anti-Semitic stereotype based on the ‘Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion.’ the 19th Century anti-Semitic forgery that suggested Jews conspire to control major industries such as banking and finance.” Gary Oldman (aka Gary Oldman’s people) heard the ADL’s statement and responded with this weird apology he gave to Deadline:
Dear Gentlemen of the ADL:
I am deeply remorseful that comments I recently made in the Playboy Interview were offensive to many Jewish people. Upon reading my comments in print—I see how insensitive they may be, and how they may indeed contribute to the furtherance of a false stereotype. Anything that contributes to this stereotype is unacceptable, including my own words on the matter. If, during the interview, I had been asked to elaborate on this point I would have pointed out that I had just finished reading Neal Gabler’s superb book about the Jews and Hollywood, An Empire of Their Own: How the Jews invented Hollywood. The fact is that our business, and my own career specifically, owes an enormous debt to that contribution.
I hope you will know that this apology is heartfelt, genuine, and that I have an enormous personal affinity for the Jewish people in general, and those specifically in my life. The Jewish People, persecuted thorough the ages, are the first to hear God’s voice, and surely are the chosen people.
I would like to sign off with “Shalom Aleichem”—but under the circumstances, perhaps today I lose the right to use that phrase, so I will wish you all peace–Gary Oldman.
So, Gary farts out a rant about how it’s ridiculous that assholes like Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin are forced to apologize for racist shit they’ve said since everyone says racist shit, and now he’s apologizing for saying racist shit he said? Siriusly, Sirius? I know, I should apologize for that pun.
And the TL;DR version of Oldman’s statement is: “I hate you fucking cunt bag slag bitch whores for making me say this PC trash apology I don’t mean!”