You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.
Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.
But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.
And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Since Kim Kartrashian has a silicone womb full of her next publicity stunt and Khlozilla trapped her next victim, Kourtney Kartrashian had to come up with her next storyline or Pimp Mama Kris would’ve banished her to the basement where she’d have to spend her days watching Fat Rob dry his tears on a mountain of socks he never sold. So Kourtney decided to dump the father of her 3 kids, Scott Disick, because Pimp Mama Kris always told her: What’s the point of making babies with a man if you’re not going to dump him for the sake of your reality shit show and tabloid coverage?
Kartrashian Kentral (aka E! News) says that the human embodiment of a drool stain broke up with Scott over the Fourth of July weekend. The Slow One is apparently sick of Scott partying all the time and she ended things after seeing pictures of him touching his ex-piece Chloe Bartoli while vacationing in the South of France. Scott is still in Monte Carlo and is telling everybody that he’s single now. “E!’s source” (government name: Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner) spilled out this shit about the break-up:
“Kourtney has always taken Scott back and been by his side, but now with three kids it has gotten old. Kourtney has to do what’s best for the kids. Scott has been running around saying he’s single. Kourtney dumped him after she saw the pics [in Monte Carlo] and he hasn’t been home after a month-long party binge.
Kourtney is putting on a brave face, but she is over it. She’s fed up. It’s humiliating and disrespectful. How much more is she supposed to take? Scott does not seem to care about what he’s doing. He’s clearly unraveling. He was a mess in NYC last month with the drinking and partying and he’s been in a downward spiral ever since. He’s been in trouble before, but this is on another level.”
Brave face? I haven’t heard of that kind of facelift. It must be some new shit you can only get done in South America.
I know this devastating and heartbreaking news makes you want to punch your chest while crying on a pile of bloody cherubs who committed suicide over true love being dead, but don’t worry. I’m sure that Scott and Kourtney will get back together as soon as they get the KUWTK script that reads:
That’s emoji for: Shit Head and Sloth Girl get back together. (Like most of her sisters, Kourtney can only read emojis.)
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.
Put on a helmet and brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you will blow your mind and I don’t want you to spend your Sunday night scraping pieces of your blown mind off of the ceiling and wall. Are you ready? Reality TV is fake. Commencing mind blowing!
Some eyewitness type tells Radar that even those wholesome, do-gooding Duggars are committing the sin of lying by faking shit for storylines. Last month, the Duggars announced on Twitter that they were giving away free food to needy families at the Compassion Center in Springdale, Arkansas. They tweeted the day and time and when that day and time came, nobody showed up. I guess need families in Springdale don’t use Twitter, because not one person was in line. TLC’s cameras were there to shoot the act of charity, but there was no act of charity to shoot since no needy families came. You’d think that Michelle Duggar would think fast and say to one of her married kids, “Get knocked up now, because we need a storyline.” But instead of doing that, a producer for 19 Kids and Counting decided to stage the charity scene.
In a development that’s a surprise to absolutely no one (except for maybe my mom who falls for everything and still asks me when the 9 to 5 sequel called 10 to 6 is coming out even though I already told her that was an April Fool’s post), that video of Dennis Quaid going full asshole cunt on the set of something has turned out to be a STUNT QUEEN hoax. There’s a plot twist, though. The video did not come from the pranking mind of Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel said on his show last night that he had nothing to do with the Quaid quake video. Normally Jimmy’s words hold about as much weight as Lindsay Lohan saying, “I’m really going to try not to fuck up this time. I promise,” but he was telling the truth this one time. Funny or Die claimed this shit.
Dennis Quaid’s choreographed meltdown video was basically a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch about the making of a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch. META! In the skit, Dennis yells at actual horseshit, a dude in a true-to-life sized Hammaconda costume, a bunch of pussies with a staring problem and a real baby. I’d appreciate this video a lot more if Dennis Quaid was topless, because you know his nips swell like a hot clit when he screams.
And now that we know that, when are we going to find out that Randy Quaid’s sex tape was a viral marketing ad for vomiting medication?
The Case of the Snatched Pearl Dress is possibly closed and surprisingly, it didn’t take Jessica Fletcher to solve that shit. On Tuesday, the dress that looks like a bunch of oysters jacked up all over it was stolen from Lupita Nyong’o’s hotel room at The London in West Hollywood. The cops valued the Calvin Klein Collection dress at $150,000 and pearl experts said it could be worth up to $10 million. Well, the thieves returned the dress, because they say it’s made of fakery.
TMZ says that the pearl robbers called them this afternoon to bitch and moan about how the dress is about as valuable as a rat’s cum load. The thieves claim that they got into Lupita’s room, because somebody left the door slightly open. Once they stole the dress, they took two pearls from it to the garment district in Downtown L.A. to see if they could sell them. They were told the pearls weren’t real. So the thieves put the dress in a trash bag, went back to The London and left it in a bathroom near the gym. TMZ called the cops who later found the dress exactly where the thieves said they left it. Here’s a picture of it:
The thieves said that they called TMZ because they want the world to know about “Hollywood’s fake bullshit.” Thank you, thieves, for this brand new information. You truly have enlightened us. You are heroes. Not only do you have your PhDs in thievery, but you also have your doctorates in wisdom.
These thieves sound like they have brains made of fake pearls, but I’m assuming they’re not dumb enough to take those pearls to a fabric store in the garment district. I’m assuming they took them to a jeweler. I mean, taking pearls to a fabric store to be appraised is like asking me to point out a woman’s G-spot.
As far as my ass knows, there’s 3 possibilities:
1. That dress isn’t made with real pearls.
2. That dress is made of some real pearls and those dumb thieves happened to get 2 fake pearls from the dress appraised.
3. That dress is really covered in 6,000 real pearls and those thieves got a wrong appraisal.
Whatever the case may be, it sounds like those stupid ass thieves got theirs. Well, at least we know that Lindsay Lohan wasn’t involved, because she would never make an amateur mistake like this. Even if she did find out that dress wasn’t made of real pearls, she’d make the most of it. She’d that dress apart and make 500 Lindsay Lohan brand anal beads out of it.
UPDATE: The people at Calvin Klein are apparently playing the “We never said that shit was real” card. Sources tell TMZ that it was Lupita’s stylist who told the cops the dress was worth $150,000 and Calvin Klein’s team never said anything about the dress being made of real pearls. They never said the pearls were fake, because they figured everyone would assume they were fake since this isn’t Ancient Egypt times where hos were covered in real jewels.
Maybe it’s because I spent most of my weekend doing pre-Christmas things (hanging a wreath, wrapping presents, getting stoned and eating an entire gingerbread house) but that candy striping sort of makes Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez like the two horniest elves at the North Pole that Santa put in charge of testing the vibrators. They make vibrators at the North Pole, right?
Moving on. So
New Fergie Iggy Azalea and JLo performed their ass anthem “Booty” last night at the American Music Awards, and I know the pearl-clutchers at ABC were worried they were going to bring the R-rated middle-aged stripper raunch by rubbing their poop shutes against each other while miming sex faces, but it ended up being pretty tame. Sure, JLo and Iggy dry humped each other like two skanky ferrets in costumes from the Slutty Showgirl collection, but they were also wearing Hooters tights. Hooters tights! Nothing says “Shows over, boners” like those fugly thick shimmer-knit leg wraps.
But this wasn’t Iggy’s only performance of the night; earlier in the evening she got to act like she wasn’t completely embarrassed to be the Macklemore of the AMAs by beating out Drake and Eminem for the Best Rap/Hip Hop Award. She then followed that up by opening her performance of “Fancy” with a bunch of vaguely Black Panther-y imagery. Needless to say, Iggy Azalea was not Twitter’s favorite person last night:
I see that Pimp Mama Kris came up with a new storyline for her reality shit show.
When Pimp Mama Kris filed for divorce from the face of Lana Del Rey’s future known as Bruce Jenner, I expected him to pack up his Kit N Caboodle, slide into his convertible, check his lip gloss situation in the rearview mirror, put on his orange aviators, blast Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” hit the gas and never ever look back. But that didn’t happen, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris still has her devil claws wrapped around his strawberry shampoo-scented mane of luscious glamour.
Both TMZ and People threw up posts today claiming that Bruce is pressing his pool noodle lips onto the face of PMK’s best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. A sores (typo and it stays) tells TMZ that Ronda is a 51-year-old divorced mother of 2 and she’s been friends with the Jenners for years and years. Ronda lives in the same neighborhood as Bruce and PMK and the two families have gone on vacation and spent holidays together. The “source” also says that Ronda is the Taylor Swift to PMK’s Karlie Kloss, because she’s been Single White Female-ing PMK. Family members say that it seems like Ronda wants to become PMK. Let me guess, the source (Hi, PMK) also went on to say, “But really, who can blame Ronda? Kris Jenner is thee most naturally beautiful, sexy, intelligent and caring women in the world. I think it’s weird that every woman isn’t try to be her! Not now, Satan. Now now. I’m on the phone with TMZ. I’ll give you a sacrifice later.”
People’s source says that PMK is “devastated “and can’t believe that her friend of 20 years and her ex-husband would betray her like this.
There are not enough Bitch, Pleases in the world for me to properly react to this story. This is probably another fake storyline cooked up by PMK. The only way PMK would be genuinely devastated and heartbroken about something is if someone burned a $100 bill in front of her. If her house caught on fire when she wasn’t home, the first think she’d ask after finding out is, “Did my safe full of money make it out okay?” In fact, that’s probably how the producers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are going to bring the raw emotion out of PMK while shooting the scene where she finds out that Bruce is dating her friend. A producer is going to hold a gun to a stack of hundreds in front of her and the tears are just going to pore out of PMK’s pulled face. She’s going to win a special Emmy for that performance.
E! says that TMZ and People are wrong and Bruce and Ronda are just friends. I hope E! is right, because Bruce needs to get away from PMK and dating her friend is not getting away from her. Bruce should run off and become a counselor at Camp Camellia or something.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
If you’ve been wondering if Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the pieces of bat shit wrapped in reality show gold from Kitchen Nightmares, have been forcibly institutionalized yet, TMZ answered your question yesterday. Amy’s Baking Company is still open, Samy still hasn’t been deported and they’re still injecting thirty gallons of crazy into Scottsdale, Arizona.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a video of Samy serving a giant plate of insanity while going after a customer with either a knife or a pen. The dude who took the video tells TMZ that a drunk dude was eating at Amy’s Baking Company in Scottsdale and Samy got mad (because that’s what Samy does) and kicked the drunk dude out. The alleged drunk dude left, but Samy still had a whole lot more crazy to give and so he chased the customer out while wielding a knife. Amy and Samy tell TMZ it was a pen, not a knife. Does it really matter? A true crazy bitch can turn anything into a dangerous weapon. Samy also tells TMZ that the drunk dude was falling down and causing a scene and became even messier when he was told to leave.
As Samy threatened to kill the drunk dude, Amy made Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny.. look like the portrait of restrained sanity by screaming like a rabid hyena while trying to hold her partner in lunacy back. Dear Amy and Samy’s cat sons, this is your mom and dad and if you get the urge to go down to the Department of Mental Health to take out the Arizona equivalent of a 5150 on them, I’ll gladly call you an Uber.
CBS5 Arizona says that Scottsdale police showed up at around 5pm. The drunk customer was gone by then. The cops didn’t arrest anybody, but charges may be filed once (and if) they track down the drunk dude and interview him.
Amy and Samy are legitimately ten layers of crazy on top of forty layers of insane, but that video feels very staged and choreographed. Why would a customer leave after Samy yelled at him? Isn’t that the reason why you go to Amy’s Baking Company in the first place? You don’t go for the food. You go for the psychotic theatrics! If I went to Amy’s Baking Company and Samy didn’t threaten to kill me and Amy didn’t call me a piece of trash whose mouth doesn’t deserve to touch her gourmet creations, I’d write this Yelp review: “If I could give them zero stars I would. Samy didn’t scream into my face and Amy didn’t call me ‘ugly trash’ in cat talk. Will never go back!“
Here’s our new Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuckoo gently and delicately kissing each other in front of a pap at Miami International Airport yesterday. After getting on a flight from LAX, Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara walked outside, stood on the marked X on the sidewalk where their PR whores told them to stand and stuck with the script by softly touching each other’s lips. The Hell kind of choreographed kiss is that?! Joe and Sofia are supposed to make genitals explode and bring on a panty pudding tsunami with their joint hotness and that’s how they kiss in front of the paps? That is the soft, cold, wet dick of kisses.
I want to travel back in time to yesterday, take my ass to the Miami International Airport, find the van that Sofia’s PR bitch is in, take away the walkie they’re using to feed instructions into the earpiece she’s wearing and scream at her to wrap her tongue around Joe’s entire head, suck his tonsils out with her mouth, rip his clothes off with her bare teeth, rip a hole in the crotch of her jeans with her nails, mount him and then bone him until his dick falls off. Then after his dick falls off, she needs to pull it out of her, sew it back onto his crotch with help from the sewing kit in her purse and bone him some more. That’s the proper and natural way to show “love” to Joe ManJello after getting off of a long flight. Instead they’re giving us this weak, lovey dovey bullshit.
Joe’s delicately kissing her the same way he’d kiss a fragile abuelita on the forehead and she’s holding onto her phone instead of holding onto his peen. There’s something seriously wrong with that picture. Sell it harder, whores! Do it with FEELING.