Category: Fake Asses

What A Genuine And Not-At-All Staged Family Portrait

October 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Two days after Pimp Mama Kris tried to pull up the ratings of her reality shit show by announcing that she and her prisoner Bruce Jenner have been separated for a whole year, TMZ said that Brody and Brandon Jenner screamed “Hallelujah!” while dancing around their daddy as he re-attached his nuts to his crotch with a needle and thread.

Some source told TMZ that right after Auntie Bruce married Pimp Mama Kris, he pretty much abandoned Brody and Brandon and didn’t pay child support to their mother Linda Thompson for years. Brody and Brandon believe that their evil cunt of a stepmother was the one who pulled Bruce away from them. Now that Auntie Bruce is free from Lucifer’s whoriest minion and living in Malibu, he’s spending more time with Brody and Brandon and trying to repair their relationship.

All of that made sense to me, because in one of the only episodes of KUWTK I’ve seen (for research! FOR RESEARCH!), there was a scene on a yacht where Brody looked like every muscle in his body was snapping from trying to keep himself from throwing that whore overboard and screaming at the captain to book it, bitch. But wait, a quick second after TMZ threw up that story, both Brody and PMK Instagrammed a natural and candid picture of all four of them smiling while spending some quality time together.

I like how PMK added the hashtag: #sorryTMZgotitwrongAGAINLOL. #sorryPMKbutdontactlikeyoudidntleakthatstoryyourselfLOL.

PMK and TMZ are like fuck buddies who don’t want everyone to know that they’re fuck buddies, so they pretend to hate each other in public. PMK probably gave that story to TMZ to drag this out for maximum attention and then she got even more attention by posting a touching family portrait while pretending to slap at TMZ. You can always count on PMK to take desperation to levels you didn’t know existed.

And here’s the happy family posing on the floor of their foyer:

pmkbrodybrucestunts

Touching IS PMK posing with Bruce (who is looking more and more like Lindsay Lohan: the Metamucil years), Brody and Brandon in the front hallway after giving them a stack of hundreds to do so. Speaking of touching, I don’t want to know what PMK is doing with her right elbow…

Katie Couric Apologizes To Kim Kartrashian For Hurting Her Feelings

August 17, 2013 / Posted by:

Apparently, Katie Couric thinks that Kim Kartrashian still has feelings even though we all know her feelings were numbed centuries ago with Botox and the blood of her sacrifices. Well, Katie pushed out a sorry yesterday for hurting Kim’s wittle ole’ fee-wings by telling InTouch Weekly that she doesn’t know why those Kartrashian whores are so famous. Kim called out Katie for being a fake two-faced bitch when she Instagrammed the baby gift that Katie sent her after she birthed out North West. Katie hopped on a Big Wheel and backpedaled hard by giving this open “I’m sowwy” letter to E!:

“I’ve met Kim before and I think she’s a really sweet person. I was responding to a reporter’s question, and explaining how I’m intrigued by the public’s fascination with her family. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. The gift is genuine, and I’m happy for Kim and Kanye.”

Yeah, Katie’s apology letter is about as fake as that baby gift, but bitch is just playing the game. Or maybe Katie Couric realized that if she doesn’t give those fake whores a fake apology, Pimp Mama Kris will slither into her daughters’ bedrooms in the middle of the night and suck their souls out. Or worse, PMK will sic Khloe Kardashian on Katie and nothing will ruin your weekend like not being able to go out into your backyard, because a rabies-ridden, barking Khloe is out there waiting for you.

A Publicist Claims That Amanda Bynes Is Faking The Crazy

June 14, 2013 / Posted by:

Publicist Jonathan Jaxson claims that he’s one of Amanda Bynes‘ friends and he also says that he’s the one who screamed for 911 on the night that she and her cry-for-help-wig were taken to jail after she threw a perfectly good bong out of her apartment window. (Everybody else says that a doorman is actually the one who screamed for 911 when Amanda lit up a joint of the good shit in the lobby.) At one point, Jonathan and fellow Captain-Save-A-Ho Jenny McCarthy were yelling at everybody to get Amanda Bynes the help that she needs. Well, Jonathan has completely gone from trying to get Amanda into a 5150 situation to shaking his head at her manufactured breakdown. Because Jonathan, who is out there peddling a book FYI, claimed on Twitter that she admitted to him through text messages that she’s Joaquin Phoenix-ing us all and is only acting crazy for attention. Jonathan posted this screen shot of Amanda supposedly letting him in on her SCHEMES.

amandabynesfakingthecrazy2\

Yes, you should feel sore down there, because all of our dicks were being pulled while reading that. I could easily list my friend’s phone number on my iPhone as “Prince Hot Ginge” and then I could use my friend’s phone to write text messages to myself that say, “Oh, Michael, how I wish I was there to burn another hole into your butt with my extra large Hot Tamale. Cheerio!” and so and so on. Not that I do that (yes, I do), but I could! There’s even software online that fakes text conversations.

So that mess is probably fake, but if it isn’t, then Amanda is really on the opposite of sane. Getting arrested just so you can get the cover of InTouch is CRAZY (and something Pimp Mama Kris wishes she would’ve thought about earlier)! Calling Miley Cyrus “pretty” on Twitter is CRAZY! And nobody with an ounce of sanity in their brain would ever put a wig made of the shed ass hairs of a dog on top of their head, even if it is for attention. Amanda’s wigs really do say it all.

But the most disturbing and insane thing is that Jonathan lets his iPhone battery get to 16%! I start to shake and fear for my immediate future when my iPhone drops below 20%. So letting your iPhone battery seep into the red is just an act of pure insanity.

via Radar

 

How Do You Say “Whorrific Blasphemy” In Portuguese?

February 10, 2013 / Posted by:

These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could’ve rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.

Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim’s 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.

And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo Did His Best Lady Voice For Dr. Phil

February 1, 2013 / Posted by:

It feels like Dr. Phil’s interview with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the mastermind behind the Lennay Kekua hoax, has been going on for weeeeeeeks. Every site I go to, I see Dr. Phil’s hard boiled egg with a pubestache face looking at me and this mess is everywhere. During the interview, Ronaiah said that he was in love with Manti Te’o’ and that he used to be gay, but he’s a recovering homosexual now. Is “recovering homosexual” short for “recovering from butt sex homosexual,” because who hasn’t been there? I guess if Man Titty O is “faaaaaaar” from gay, then I guess Ronaiah is like two freeway exists away from gay. He was just at gay, but now he’s driving away from it. Ronaiah also said some other things to Phake Ass Phil, but who cares about that. The only thing I care about is hearing Ronaiah’s lady voice and Dr. Phil was right there with me.

Dr. Phil kept asking Ronaiah to do his Lennay voice, but he got all kinds of shy and wouldn’t do it. He finally agreed to do it behind a screen with a producer watching to make sure the lady sounds were coming out of his mouth. So Ronaiah called a phone and did his best Lennay voice:

He kind of sounds like Michael Jackson with Laryngitis speaking through a pillow. I bet Dr. Phil wasn’t convinced. I bet after the show ended, Dr. Phil called Ronaiah up again and said, “Let me hear you do your Lennay voice one more time. Let me hear you say, ‘Oh, Dr. Phil, let me lick the skin dome covering that brilliant mind of yours.’ Yeah, say it like that. Say it again, slower. Wait, what sound? No, I didn’t just pull my zipper down.

How Good Is Ronaiah Tuiasosopo’s Lady Voice?

January 24, 2013 / Posted by:

During Manti Te’o's interview with Katie Couric, which airs today, he claims that he’s not a STUNT QUEEN, he’s just a gullible bitch, because he wasn’t a part of the fake dead girlfriend hoax and he had no idea that his friend Ronaiah Tuiasosopo was Lennay Kekua the entire time. Manti says that why would he take part in a hoax that has ruined his reputation and possibly screwed with his football career. But even if this does ruin his football career, that’s okay, because he can get a job working from home. Manti read that Debbie’s mom makes $566/a day posting links on Google. Unbelievable!

Manti gave Katie Couric 3 voicemails that he thought were from his fake girlfriend, but they were really from Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. In the voicemails, Ronaiah as Lennay, talks about her chemotherapy sessions, gets jealous over Manti having another girl in his room and tells him she was released from the hospital. Ronaiah’s lawyer says that he pretended to be a woman and put on his “falsetto” voice every time he talked to Manti. Here’s just one of the voicemails, you can here the rest at Deadspin:

If you need to compare Ronaiah’s lady voice to his man voice, here’s a clip of him talking normal. I don’t know, if I was working the drive-thru at McDonald’s and Ronaiah spoke in his regular voice, I don’t think I’d call him “miss.” So either his lady voice is that good or he’s using some kind of software. I don’t know, but I do know that I want to hear a clip of Lennay and Manti phone fucking each other. I really need to hear Ronaiah make lady orgasm sounds as his peen explodes.

And TMZ says that Manti isn’t the only dude who Ronaiah supposedly tricked. Ronaiah has feelings for dudes, but he doesn’t want to face those feelings, so he created a fake girl and lives vicariously through her.

We’re told Ronaiah used the female persona in many encounters, but so far there’s no evidence he became intensely emotionally attached to anyone — until Manti. We’ve confirmed when Ronaiah spoke with Manti as “Lennay Kekua” he used his own voice.

Indeed … Ronaiah’s feelings became so intense, he blew his cover on December 6 because it was hard to walk away. He never intended to reveal Manti was actually talking to a man … he just wanted to reconnect with Manti, but still as a woman.

Our sources say Ronaiah has buried his feelings to the point he has little emotion about anything. We’re told even the scandal has not produced intense emotions.

Well, I guess that’s one awkward way to come out, awkwardly.

How old is Ronaiah? I mean, most of us outgrew the whole “pretend to be a woman on Craigslist to get straight men to have phone sex with you” phase in our teens! Okay, in our early twenties. Okay, in our mid twenties. Okay, last week. But still.

Dueling MEHs

December 27, 2012 / Posted by:

What’s the matter, guys? You both look like you either smelled a rancid Taco Bell fart or just realized who the fuck you are married to. Yes, you could attibute those looks to some less than stellar moves they just saw on the floor at the Clippers vs. Nuggets game, but I like my version better. If I had to put up with any of that klan for two seconds (except for Khloe, I know, and I hate myself for it), I would have permanent fml bitch face too.

Bruce and Kris Jenner‘s Shrinky Dink faces and several of the Ks showed up for the game yesterday and Bruce had to give his front row seat up for Kanye West because Kim threatened to smother him with her ass if he didn’t. No, you know he gave that shit up willingly to get the hell away from Kris for a minute and I don’t blame him.

So here are some pics of them with a little joy and more side-eyeing, glaring and indifference than what we all see at our family get togethers. I wonder who the drunk one was? (Spoiler: it was Kris.)

Pimp Mama Kris And Bruce Jenner Are Faking Their Love For The Sake Of What’s Really Important

December 18, 2012 / Posted by:

And no, by “what’s really important” I don’t mean their dumb kids. Who cares about them! Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner are pretending to be happily married for the sake of their checking accounts and relevancy. You know, things that REALLY matter.

There’s been a rumor going around that claims when Bruce Jenner is awaken in the morning to the sound of Pimp Mama Kris unchaining him from the bed, he wishes that he was completely free of her and could calmly sit without the sound of cackling whores stabbing him in the ears. Bruce Jenner already denied that his marriage was in trouble, but that’s probably because PMK told him he had to say that or she’d drug him, stuff his butt with silicone implants, throw a black wig on his head, legally change his name to “Kandee Kardashian” and whore him out on the stroll with her other girls. But a source tells Radar that the state of PMK and Bruce’s marriage matches the state of her soul: cold and dead. The source went on to say that they’re just faking it to keep their brand alive:

“Kris and Bruce are all but over. They have grown apart and their relationship is all about business these days rather than love or romance. They’ve built a brand together though, and that’s very profitable for both of them, not to mention the amount of valuable assets and business ventures they have together. There’s no way Kris is going to go through with a divorce right now, despite the problems they are having. She’s determined to keep up the façade of a happy marriage at all costs. Showbiz and her career come way before any chance of divorce.”

The better question is, what haven’t they faked for attention and money? They fake everything. But you’d think that faking a marriage is child’s play for Pimp Mama Kris. I mean, her daughter did that. Obviously, faking a marriage is so easy that a dumb dumb can do it. PMK is a world-renowned pimp, so you’d think she’d have bigger ideas. Doesn’t PMK know that if she fakes her death and moves far away from civilization never to be heard from again that she’d become even more famous and rich and legendary! (Shhh, nobody tell her that she wouldn’t become any of things.)

Khloe Kardashian Broke Up With PETA

March 26, 2012 / Posted by:

One good thing that has come out of Kim Kardashian getting flour bombed, besides Kim Kardashian getting flour bombed, is that her sister Khloe Kardashian is respecting the whore oath by sticking with Kim and killing her relationship with PETA. PETA is taking zero responsibility for Kim’s gross ass getting showered with flour, but they did back the flour bomber and say they would pay for her defense lawyers if it came to that. Khloe farted out a bunch of letters on her blog today and when you put them together she basically said that she can’t with PETA’S “bullying” (buzz word, buzz word) ways. This is the mess that Khloe splattered on her blog:

Hi dolls. I’m sure you all heard what happened to Kim last week (thank you SO much for the love and support you all showed her), and I just received word that the woman responsible has very close ties to PETA, despite PETA publicly stating otherwise. Not only has PETA lied to the public, but they have proved that they support this kind of behavior. I’ve been a vocal supporter of PETA for a long time but I have also been very vocal about anti-bullying, so this was a huge disappointment for me. As you all know, I don’t condone violence and bullying and what happened last Thursday was just that. I am absolutely disgusted by their behavior.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions — I personally don’t wear fur but that doesn’t mean I am going to force my views on anyone else, ESPECIALLY by violating them. I am a very proud sister right now, because Kim handled last week’s incident like a champ. She got cleaned up and was back out there in a matter of minutes. Go Kimmie!

We all need to practice what we preach. I will still continue to NOT wear fur, but I will no longer support PETA. Bullying and harassment is NEVER a solution, and I won’t be a part of any organization that thinks otherwise.

Never mind that somebody needs to shower this dumb bitch with the true meaning of “bullying” and never mind that her huge head is shoved so far up her own ass that she has no idea that PETA has done shit like this for years, this is the best news ever. This news is making my retinas clap. Stunt Queen Khloe breaking up with the Stunt Queens at PETA means that there will be no more pictures of her looking like a shaved and electrocuted sasquatch farting on her hand. Sadly, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons will have to look elsewhere for new fapping material, but think of all the copies of Photoshop that have been spared!

Kardashian Tell All

December 29, 2011 / Posted by:

OMG, pleeeease let this be true!! According to TMZ, an ex Kardashian nanny is currently shopping around a tell-all book about her years in hell in the Jenner/Kartrashian household. She reportedly dishes on the boys, Brandon Jenner and whats-his-name (that other Dancing with SARS one), and talks about what rude entitled brats they are. She goes on to talk shit about the girls, and I hope she spills details juicier than Kim’s XXXXL ass.

Hopefully, she won’t cover all the old angles we already know and hate them for, such as the sex tape, underage pole dancing, Pimp Mama Kris’s infidelity, Scott’s womanizer serial killer face and their general knack for making money off of being no-talent slags. I want some new dirt dammit, like Khloe shaves with sheep shears and Kim cries her mascara off every night (looks like this) because she blew it with Reggie for leaking her dirty ho ass-gulping tape with Ray J.

Some people may knock her for violating common decency and her contract of silence, but I’m on team MAKE THAT MONEY GIRLFRIEND. I mean, WWKKD? Exactly.

Thank you PSL!!

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