Here’s our new Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuckoo gently and delicately kissing each other in front of a pap at Miami International Airport yesterday. After getting on a flight from LAX, Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara walked outside, stood on the marked X on the sidewalk where their PR whores told them to stand and stuck with the script by softly touching each other’s lips. The Hell kind of choreographed kiss is that?! Joe and Sofia are supposed to make genitals explode and bring on a panty pudding tsunami with their joint hotness and that’s how they kiss in front of the paps? That is the soft, cold, wet dick of kisses.
I want to travel back in time to yesterday, take my ass to the Miami International Airport, find the van that Sofia’s PR bitch is in, take away the walkie they’re using to feed instructions into the earpiece she’s wearing and scream at her to wrap her tongue around Joe’s entire head, suck his tonsils out with her mouth, rip his clothes off with her bare teeth, rip a hole in the crotch of her jeans with her nails, mount him and then bone him until his dick falls off. Then after his dick falls off, she needs to pull it out of her, sew it back onto his crotch with help from the sewing kit in her purse and bone him some more. That’s the proper and natural way to show “love” to Joe ManJello after getting off of a long flight. Instead they’re giving us this weak, lovey dovey bullshit.
Joe’s delicately kissing her the same way he’d kiss a fragile abuelita on the forehead and she’s holding onto her phone instead of holding onto his peen. There’s something seriously wrong with that picture. Sell it harder, whores! Do it with FEELING.
After UsWeekly said that Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t go to Kanye’s wedding, because American royalty doesn’t roll around in basic whore shit, this totally genuine note magically went up on her Instagram page. I see Beyonce’s intern throwing massive amounts of shade by saying “a lifetime of unconditional love” when we all know that Kim and Kuntye’s marriage isn’t going to last as long as the lifespan of your average housefly. If you translated that note into Beyoncenese, it would read: “I don’t give four fucks about your stupid marriage but my PR team made me put up this fake shit.” Woe is the intern who had to log onto Beyonce’s Instagram on a weekend to post this fake mess while she and her vacation braids were getting some sun in the Hamptons.
Just when you were beginning to think that the biggest whores of them all Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have scraped through the bottom of the barrel and can scrape no more, they find a way to keep on scraping. In this clip from next week’s episode of your abuelita’s least favorite novela True Tori, failed swingers Tori and Dean fill their bedroom with the scent of boiling bullshit, pig farts and rotten desperation when they both meltdown during a scene that was written by writers whose credits include Passions, Days of Our Lives and the “I’m So Excited” episode of Saved By The Bell.
While looking like the kind of strung out trucker you don’t want to take a ride with if he pulls over next to you while you’re hitchhiking, Dean dramatically tells Tori that he doesn’t deserve her or his family and he wants to be with her. Tori re-defines the ugly cry in a way I didn’t think was possible and she screams at him to do something. Tori looks like a constipated Admiral Ackbar trying to push out a shit. If you watched that ridiculous clip and kept waiting for her head to spin before she throws up pea soup, you’re not alone. I thought the same thing. I wish I had a vat full of holy water to throw at the screen. Where’s a priest whose speciality is exorcising the fame whore demon out of a ho when you really, really need him?
On the most recent episode of Fame WhORI (I can’t with a good conscience write the True in True Tori, because that melodrama is scripted tighter than an episode of Mad Men) everyone’s favorite beady-eyed bangaholic gold-digging dirtbag Deano “The Deaner” McDermott revealed to Tori Spelling, the actress hired to play their therapist, and the dead-inside 20-person camera crew paid to follow them around that after he confessed to cheating on Tori, he was so distraught he considered taking his own life by jumping out a window:
“And I’ve been looking at that crack in the window, and I remember looking at that crack that day, and while we were waiting for the EMTs, I was thinking, ‘I’ve got a window of opportunity here’—no pun intended—’to kick that out, because it’s already broken, and just dive out.’
“I sit here today, looking at it, and I know I will not take my life. My life means a lot to me right now, where it didn’t for so many, so many years. My life means something today and my life means something because I’m getting the help I need and I’m surrounded by love and support.”
Wow, first they hospitalize Tori, and now The Deaner is talking about leaping from windows? What do the script writers have planned next? A long-lost evil twin sister with an eye patch returns demanding her share of the family estate? Because that’s about as believable as what’s happening now, especially since we have more than enough evidence that True Tori is a fabricated pile of lies.
And you know how I know Deano’s monologue is probably lies? Because if he’d actually spoken from the heart, it would have sounded more like this:
“Hey Tori, let me tell you what’s been crappenin’ up in the ol’ noggin. When I got caught passing The Deaner’s wandering peener to anything with a pulse and a visible whale tail, I was super bummed out, and I was like ‘Fuck it Deano, just throw yourself out the window’. But then I remembered that I loved being married to someone who might one day hit the Candy Spelling lottery, and I was like, no way man, keep it sleazy, don’t jump.”
Forget True Tori, I would literally do anything for a show called Definitely Deaner.
People has learned (read: Tori Spelling told them after begging them to please run it and she’ll give them the exclusive details of how Dean McDermott realized in therapy that he’s a woman and she will stand by him as he transitions. All the details will be featured in a 2-part People spread and a new 36-episode reality show called TransTORImation) that Tori Spelling was recently laid up in a hospital in L.A. somewhere with an unknown condition. I have EXCLUSIVELY learned (no, I haven’t) that the factory-defected melting wax Lamb Chop figurine was diagnosed with fakebitchitis and Famewhorehausen Syndrome and the only cure was for her to be filmed in the hospital for her fake reality show.
The source tells People that Tori’s diagnosis isn’t known and the entire hospital stay was kept a secret. But the cameras kept rolling while she was in the hospital, because if the cameras stopped filming that fame whore, she’d stop breathing.
A source close to Spelling said the actress has been in “total crisis mode.” “There’s just too much pain,” the source added. “Tori is very, very upset and angry.”
What’s really amazing is that this “secret” was kept a “secret” until after the fact. So many people were involved in Tori’s “hospital stay” (examples of people involved: directors, script writers, assistants and the crew who built the hospital room set) and not one of them spilled the plot details to the tabloids. They probably just didn’t give a fuck enough to do so.
Here’s Poor Tori filming her totally real reality show True Whori with the strung out possum slut Dean McDermott in Studio City, CA yesterday.
Two days after Pimp Mama Kris tried to pull up the ratings of her reality shit show by announcing that she and her prisoner Bruce Jenner have been separated for a whole year, TMZ said that Brody and Brandon Jenner screamed “Hallelujah!” while dancing around their daddy as he re-attached his nuts to his crotch with a needle and thread.
Some source told TMZ that right after Auntie Bruce married Pimp Mama Kris, he pretty much abandoned Brody and Brandon and didn’t pay child support to their mother Linda Thompson for years. Brody and Brandon believe that their evil cunt of a stepmother was the one who pulled Bruce away from them. Now that Auntie Bruce is free from Lucifer’s whoriest minion and living in Malibu, he’s spending more time with Brody and Brandon and trying to repair their relationship.
All of that made sense to me, because in one of the only episodes of KUWTK I’ve seen (for research! FOR RESEARCH!), there was a scene on a yacht where Brody looked like every muscle in his body was snapping from trying to keep himself from throwing that whore overboard and screaming at the captain to book it, bitch. But wait, a quick second after TMZ threw up that story, both Brody and PMK Instagrammed a natural and candid picture of all four of them smiling while spending some quality time together.
I like how PMK added the hashtag: #sorryTMZgotitwrongAGAINLOL. #sorryPMKbutdontactlikeyoudidntleakthatstoryyourselfLOL.
PMK and TMZ are like fuck buddies who don’t want everyone to know that they’re fuck buddies, so they pretend to hate each other in public. PMK probably gave that story to TMZ to drag this out for maximum attention and then she got even more attention by posting a touching family portrait while pretending to slap at TMZ. You can always count on PMK to take desperation to levels you didn’t know existed.
And here’s the happy family posing on the floor of their foyer:
Touching IS PMK posing with Bruce (who is looking more and more like Lindsay Lohan: the Metamucil years), Brody and Brandon in the front hallway after giving them a stack of hundreds to do so. Speaking of touching, I don’t want to know what PMK is doing with her right elbow…
Apparently, Katie Couric thinks that Kim Kartrashian still has feelings even though we all know her feelings were numbed centuries ago with Botox and the blood of her sacrifices. Well, Katie pushed out a sorry yesterday for hurting Kim’s wittle ole’ fee-wings by telling InTouch Weekly that she doesn’t know why those Kartrashian whores are so famous. Kim called out Katie for being a fake two-faced bitch when she Instagrammed the baby gift that Katie sent her after she birthed out North West. Katie hopped on a Big Wheel and backpedaled hard by giving this open “I’m sowwy” letter to E!:
“I’ve met Kim before and I think she’s a really sweet person. I was responding to a reporter’s question, and explaining how I’m intrigued by the public’s fascination with her family. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. The gift is genuine, and I’m happy for Kim and Kanye.”
Yeah, Katie’s apology letter is about as fake as that baby gift, but bitch is just playing the game. Or maybe Katie Couric realized that if she doesn’t give those fake whores a fake apology, Pimp Mama Kris will slither into her daughters’ bedrooms in the middle of the night and suck their souls out. Or worse, PMK will sic Khloe Kardashian on Katie and nothing will ruin your weekend like not being able to go out into your backyard, because a rabies-ridden, barking Khloe is out there waiting for you.
Publicist Jonathan Jaxson claims that he’s one of Amanda Bynes‘ friends and he also says that he’s the one who screamed for 911 on the night that she and her cry-for-help-wig were taken to jail after she threw a perfectly good bong out of her apartment window. (Everybody else says that a doorman is actually the one who screamed for 911 when Amanda lit up a joint of the good shit in the lobby.) At one point, Jonathan and fellow Captain-Save-A-Ho Jenny McCarthy were yelling at everybody to get Amanda Bynes the help that she needs. Well, Jonathan has completely gone from trying to get Amanda into a 5150 situation to shaking his head at her manufactured breakdown. Because Jonathan, who is out there peddling a book FYI, claimed on Twitter that she admitted to him through text messages that she’s Joaquin Phoenix-ing us all and is only acting crazy for attention. Jonathan posted this screen shot of Amanda supposedly letting him in on her SCHEMES.
Yes, you should feel sore down there, because all of our dicks were being pulled while reading that. I could easily list my friend’s phone number on my iPhone as “Prince Hot Ginge” and then I could use my friend’s phone to write text messages to myself that say, “Oh, Michael, how I wish I was there to burn another hole into your butt with my extra large Hot Tamale. Cheerio!” and so and so on. Not that I do that (yes, I do), but I could! There’s even software online that fakes text conversations.
So that mess is probably fake, but if it isn’t, then Amanda is really on the opposite of sane. Getting arrested just so you can get the cover of InTouch is CRAZY (and something Pimp Mama Kris wishes she would’ve thought about earlier)! Calling Miley Cyrus “pretty” on Twitter is CRAZY! And nobody with an ounce of sanity in their brain would ever put a wig made of the shed ass hairs of a dog on top of their head, even if it is for attention. Amanda’s wigs really do say it all.
But the most disturbing and insane thing is that Jonathan lets his iPhone battery get to 16%! I start to shake and fear for my immediate future when my iPhone drops below 20%. So letting your iPhone battery seep into the red is just an act of pure insanity.
These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could’ve rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.
Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim’s 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.
And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.
It feels like Dr. Phil’s interview with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the mastermind behind the Lennay Kekua hoax, has been going on for weeeeeeeks. Every site I go to, I see Dr. Phil’s hard boiled egg with a pubestache face looking at me and this mess is everywhere. During the interview, Ronaiah said that he was in love with Manti Te’o’ and that he used to be gay, but he’s a recovering homosexual now. Is “recovering homosexual” short for “recovering from butt sex homosexual,” because who hasn’t been there? I guess if Man Titty O is “faaaaaaar” from gay, then I guess Ronaiah is like two freeway exists away from gay. He was just at gay, but now he’s driving away from it. Ronaiah also said some other things to Phake Ass Phil, but who cares about that. The only thing I care about is hearing Ronaiah’s lady voice and Dr. Phil was right there with me.
Dr. Phil kept asking Ronaiah to do his Lennay voice, but he got all kinds of shy and wouldn’t do it. He finally agreed to do it behind a screen with a producer watching to make sure the lady sounds were coming out of his mouth. So Ronaiah called a phone and did his best Lennay voice:
He kind of sounds like Michael Jackson with Laryngitis speaking through a pillow. I bet Dr. Phil wasn’t convinced. I bet after the show ended, Dr. Phil called Ronaiah up again and said, “Let me hear you do your Lennay voice one more time. Let me hear you say, ‘Oh, Dr. Phil, let me lick the skin dome covering that brilliant mind of yours.’ Yeah, say it like that. Say it again, slower. Wait, what sound? No, I didn’t just pull my zipper down.“