In a development that’s a surprise to absolutely no one (except for maybe my mom who falls for everything and still asks me when the 9 to 5 sequel called 10 to 6 is coming out even though I already told her that was an April Fool’s post), that video of Dennis Quaid going full asshole cunt on the set of something has turned out to be a STUNT QUEEN hoax. There’s a plot twist, though. The video did not come from the pranking mind of Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel said on his show last night that he had nothing to do with the Quaid quake video. Normally Jimmy’s words hold about as much weight as Lindsay Lohan saying, “I’m really going to try not to fuck up this time. I promise,” but he was telling the truth this one time. Funny or Die claimed this shit.
Dennis Quaid’s choreographed meltdown video was basically a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch about the making of a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch. META! In the skit, Dennis yells at actual horseshit, a dude in a true-to-life sized Hammaconda costume, a bunch of pussies with a staring problem and a real baby. I’d appreciate this video a lot more if Dennis Quaid was topless, because you know his nips swell like a hot clit when he screams.
And now that we know that, when are we going to find out that Randy Quaid’s sex tape was a viral marketing ad for vomiting medication?
The Case of the Snatched Pearl Dress is possibly closed and surprisingly, it didn’t take Jessica Fletcher to solve that shit. On Tuesday, the dress that looks like a bunch of oysters jacked up all over it was stolen from Lupita Nyong’o's hotel room at The London in West Hollywood. The cops valued the Calvin Klein Collection dress at $150,000 and pearl experts said it could be worth up to $10 million. Well, the thieves returned the dress, because they say it’s made of fakery.
TMZ says that the pearl robbers called them this afternoon to bitch and moan about how the dress is about as valuable as a rat’s cum load. The thieves claim that they got into Lupita’s room, because somebody left the door slightly open. Once they stole the dress, they took two pearls from it to the garment district in Downtown L.A. to see if they could sell them. They were told the pearls weren’t real. So the thieves put the dress in a trash bag, went back to The London and left it in a bathroom near the gym. TMZ called the cops who later found the dress exactly where the thieves said they left it. Here’s a picture of it:
The thieves said that they called TMZ because they want the world to know about “Hollywood’s fake bullshit.” Thank you, thieves, for this brand new information. You truly have enlightened us. You are heroes. Not only do you have your PhDs in thievery, but you also have your doctorates in wisdom.
These thieves sound like they have brains made of fake pearls, but I’m assuming they’re not dumb enough to take those pearls to a fabric store in the garment district. I’m assuming they took them to a jeweler. I mean, taking pearls to a fabric store to be appraised is like asking me to point out a woman’s G-spot.
As far as my ass knows, there’s 3 possibilities:
1. That dress isn’t made with real pearls.
2. That dress is made of some real pearls and those dumb thieves happened to get 2 fake pearls from the dress appraised.
3. That dress is really covered in 6,000 real pearls and those thieves got a wrong appraisal.
Whatever the case may be, it sounds like those stupid ass thieves got theirs. Well, at least we know that Lindsay Lohan wasn’t involved, because she would never make an amateur mistake like this. Even if she did find out that dress wasn’t made of real pearls, she’d make the most of it. She’d that dress apart and make 500 Lindsay Lohan brand anal beads out of it.
UPDATE: The people at Calvin Klein are apparently playing the “We never said that shit was real” card. Sources tell TMZ that it was Lupita’s stylist who told the cops the dress was worth $150,000 and Calvin Klein’s team never said anything about the dress being made of real pearls. They never said the pearls were fake, because they figured everyone would assume they were fake since this isn’t Ancient Egypt times where hos were covered in real jewels.
Maybe it’s because I spent most of my weekend doing pre-Christmas things (hanging a wreath, wrapping presents, getting stoned and eating an entire gingerbread house) but that candy striping sort of makes Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez like the two horniest elves at the North Pole that Santa put in charge of testing the vibrators. They make vibrators at the North Pole, right?
Moving on. So
New Fergie Iggy Azalea and JLo performed their ass anthem “Booty” last night at the American Music Awards, and I know the pearl-clutchers at ABC were worried they were going to bring the R-rated middle-aged stripper raunch by rubbing their poop shutes against each other while miming sex faces, but it ended up being pretty tame. Sure, JLo and Iggy dry humped each other like two skanky ferrets in costumes from the Slutty Showgirl collection, but they were also wearing Hooters tights. Hooters tights! Nothing says “Shows over, boners” like those fugly thick shimmer-knit leg wraps.
But this wasn’t Iggy’s only performance of the night; earlier in the evening she got to act like she wasn’t completely embarrassed to be the Macklemore of the AMAs by beating out Drake and Eminem for the Best Rap/Hip Hop Award. She then followed that up by opening her performance of “Fancy” with a bunch of vaguely Black Panther-y imagery. Needless to say, Iggy Azalea was not Twitter’s favorite person last night:
I see that Pimp Mama Kris came up with a new storyline for her reality shit show.
When Pimp Mama Kris filed for divorce from the face of Lana Del Rey’s future known as Bruce Jenner, I expected him to pack up his Kit N Caboodle, slide into his convertible, check his lip gloss situation in the rearview mirror, put on his orange aviators, blast Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” hit the gas and never ever look back. But that didn’t happen, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris still has her devil claws wrapped around his strawberry shampoo-scented mane of luscious glamour.
Both TMZ and People threw up posts today claiming that Bruce is pressing his pool noodle lips onto the face of PMK’s best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. A sores (typo and it stays) tells TMZ that Ronda is a 51-year-old divorced mother of 2 and she’s been friends with the Jenners for years and years. Ronda lives in the same neighborhood as Bruce and PMK and the two families have gone on vacation and spent holidays together. The “source” also says that Ronda is the Taylor Swift to PMK’s Karlie Kloss, because she’s been Single White Female-ing PMK. Family members say that it seems like Ronda wants to become PMK. Let me guess, the source (Hi, PMK) also went on to say, “But really, who can blame Ronda? Kris Jenner is thee most naturally beautiful, sexy, intelligent and caring women in the world. I think it’s weird that every woman isn’t try to be her! Not now, Satan. Now now. I’m on the phone with TMZ. I’ll give you a sacrifice later.”
People’s source says that PMK is “devastated “and can’t believe that her friend of 20 years and her ex-husband would betray her like this.
There are not enough Bitch, Pleases in the world for me to properly react to this story. This is probably another fake storyline cooked up by PMK. The only way PMK would be genuinely devastated and heartbroken about something is if someone burned a $100 bill in front of her. If her house caught on fire when she wasn’t home, the first think she’d ask after finding out is, “Did my safe full of money make it out okay?” In fact, that’s probably how the producers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are going to bring the raw emotion out of PMK while shooting the scene where she finds out that Bruce is dating her friend. A producer is going to hold a gun to a stack of hundreds in front of her and the tears are just going to pore out of PMK’s pulled face. She’s going to win a special Emmy for that performance.
E! says that TMZ and People are wrong and Bruce and Ronda are just friends. I hope E! is right, because Bruce needs to get away from PMK and dating her friend is not getting away from her. Bruce should run off and become a counselor at Camp Camellia or something.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
If you’ve been wondering if Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the pieces of bat shit wrapped in reality show gold from Kitchen Nightmares, have been forcibly institutionalized yet, TMZ answered your question yesterday. Amy’s Baking Company is still open, Samy still hasn’t been deported and they’re still injecting thirty gallons of crazy into Scottsdale, Arizona.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a video of Samy serving a giant plate of insanity while going after a customer with either a knife or a pen. The dude who took the video tells TMZ that a drunk dude was eating at Amy’s Baking Company in Scottsdale and Samy got mad (because that’s what Samy does) and kicked the drunk dude out. The alleged drunk dude left, but Samy still had a whole lot more crazy to give and so he chased the customer out while wielding a knife. Amy and Samy tell TMZ it was a pen, not a knife. Does it really matter? A true crazy bitch can turn anything into a dangerous weapon. Samy also tells TMZ that the drunk dude was falling down and causing a scene and became even messier when he was told to leave.
As Samy threatened to kill the drunk dude, Amy made Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny.. look like the portrait of restrained sanity by screaming like a rabid hyena while trying to hold her partner in lunacy back. Dear Amy and Samy’s cat sons, this is your mom and dad and if you get the urge to go down to the Department of Mental Health to take out the Arizona equivalent of a 5150 on them, I’ll gladly call you an Uber.
CBS5 Arizona says that Scottsdale police showed up at around 5pm. The drunk customer was gone by then. The cops didn’t arrest anybody, but charges may be filed once (and if) they track down the drunk dude and interview him.
Amy and Samy are legitimately ten layers of crazy on top of forty layers of insane, but that video feels very staged and choreographed. Why would a customer leave after Samy yelled at him? Isn’t that the reason why you go to Amy’s Baking Company in the first place? You don’t go for the food. You go for the psychotic theatrics! If I went to Amy’s Baking Company and Samy didn’t threaten to kill me and Amy didn’t call me a piece of trash whose mouth doesn’t deserve to touch her gourmet creations, I’d write this Yelp review: “If I could give them zero stars I would. Samy didn’t scream into my face and Amy didn’t call me ‘ugly trash’ in cat talk. Will never go back!“
Here’s our new Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuckoo gently and delicately kissing each other in front of a pap at Miami International Airport yesterday. After getting on a flight from LAX, Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara walked outside, stood on the marked X on the sidewalk where their PR whores told them to stand and stuck with the script by softly touching each other’s lips. The Hell kind of choreographed kiss is that?! Joe and Sofia are supposed to make genitals explode and bring on a panty pudding tsunami with their joint hotness and that’s how they kiss in front of the paps? That is the soft, cold, wet dick of kisses.
I want to travel back in time to yesterday, take my ass to the Miami International Airport, find the van that Sofia’s PR bitch is in, take away the walkie they’re using to feed instructions into the earpiece she’s wearing and scream at her to wrap her tongue around Joe’s entire head, suck his tonsils out with her mouth, rip his clothes off with her bare teeth, rip a hole in the crotch of her jeans with her nails, mount him and then bone him until his dick falls off. Then after his dick falls off, she needs to pull it out of her, sew it back onto his crotch with help from the sewing kit in her purse and bone him some more. That’s the proper and natural way to show “love” to Joe ManJello after getting off of a long flight. Instead they’re giving us this weak, lovey dovey bullshit.
Joe’s delicately kissing her the same way he’d kiss a fragile abuelita on the forehead and she’s holding onto her phone instead of holding onto his peen. There’s something seriously wrong with that picture. Sell it harder, whores! Do it with FEELING.
After UsWeekly said that Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t go to Kanye’s wedding, because American royalty doesn’t roll around in basic whore shit, this totally genuine note magically went up on her Instagram page. I see Beyonce’s intern throwing massive amounts of shade by saying “a lifetime of unconditional love” when we all know that Kim and Kuntye’s marriage isn’t going to last as long as the lifespan of your average housefly. If you translated that note into Beyoncenese, it would read: “I don’t give four fucks about your stupid marriage but my PR team made me put up this fake shit.” Woe is the intern who had to log onto Beyonce’s Instagram on a weekend to post this fake mess while she and her vacation braids were getting some sun in the Hamptons.
Just when you were beginning to think that the biggest whores of them all Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have scraped through the bottom of the barrel and can scrape no more, they find a way to keep on scraping. In this clip from next week’s episode of your abuelita’s least favorite novela True Tori, failed swingers Tori and Dean fill their bedroom with the scent of boiling bullshit, pig farts and rotten desperation when they both meltdown during a scene that was written by writers whose credits include Passions, Days of Our Lives and the “I’m So Excited” episode of Saved By The Bell.
While looking like the kind of strung out trucker you don’t want to take a ride with if he pulls over next to you while you’re hitchhiking, Dean dramatically tells Tori that he doesn’t deserve her or his family and he wants to be with her. Tori re-defines the ugly cry in a way I didn’t think was possible and she screams at him to do something. Tori looks like a constipated Admiral Ackbar trying to push out a shit. If you watched that ridiculous clip and kept waiting for her head to spin before she throws up pea soup, you’re not alone. I thought the same thing. I wish I had a vat full of holy water to throw at the screen. Where’s a priest whose speciality is exorcising the fame whore demon out of a ho when you really, really need him?
On the most recent episode of Fame WhORI (I can’t with a good conscience write the True in True Tori, because that melodrama is scripted tighter than an episode of Mad Men) everyone’s favorite beady-eyed bangaholic gold-digging dirtbag Deano “The Deaner” McDermott revealed to Tori Spelling, the actress hired to play their therapist, and the dead-inside 20-person camera crew paid to follow them around that after he confessed to cheating on Tori, he was so distraught he considered taking his own life by jumping out a window:
“And I’ve been looking at that crack in the window, and I remember looking at that crack that day, and while we were waiting for the EMTs, I was thinking, ‘I’ve got a window of opportunity here’—no pun intended—’to kick that out, because it’s already broken, and just dive out.’
“I sit here today, looking at it, and I know I will not take my life. My life means a lot to me right now, where it didn’t for so many, so many years. My life means something today and my life means something because I’m getting the help I need and I’m surrounded by love and support.”
Wow, first they hospitalize Tori, and now The Deaner is talking about leaping from windows? What do the script writers have planned next? A long-lost evil twin sister with an eye patch returns demanding her share of the family estate? Because that’s about as believable as what’s happening now, especially since we have more than enough evidence that True Tori is a fabricated pile of lies.
And you know how I know Deano’s monologue is probably lies? Because if he’d actually spoken from the heart, it would have sounded more like this:
“Hey Tori, let me tell you what’s been crappenin’ up in the ol’ noggin. When I got caught passing The Deaner’s wandering peener to anything with a pulse and a visible whale tail, I was super bummed out, and I was like ‘Fuck it Deano, just throw yourself out the window’. But then I remembered that I loved being married to someone who might one day hit the Candy Spelling lottery, and I was like, no way man, keep it sleazy, don’t jump.”
Forget True Tori, I would literally do anything for a show called Definitely Deaner.
People has learned (read: Tori Spelling told them after begging them to please run it and she’ll give them the exclusive details of how Dean McDermott realized in therapy that he’s a woman and she will stand by him as he transitions. All the details will be featured in a 2-part People spread and a new 36-episode reality show called TransTORImation) that Tori Spelling was recently laid up in a hospital in L.A. somewhere with an unknown condition. I have EXCLUSIVELY learned (no, I haven’t) that the factory-defected melting wax Lamb Chop figurine was diagnosed with fakebitchitis and Famewhorehausen Syndrome and the only cure was for her to be filmed in the hospital for her fake reality show.
The source tells People that Tori’s diagnosis isn’t known and the entire hospital stay was kept a secret. But the cameras kept rolling while she was in the hospital, because if the cameras stopped filming that fame whore, she’d stop breathing.
A source close to Spelling said the actress has been in “total crisis mode.” “There’s just too much pain,” the source added. “Tori is very, very upset and angry.”
What’s really amazing is that this “secret” was kept a “secret” until after the fact. So many people were involved in Tori’s “hospital stay” (examples of people involved: directors, script writers, assistants and the crew who built the hospital room set) and not one of them spilled the plot details to the tabloids. They probably just didn’t give a fuck enough to do so.
Here’s Poor Tori filming her totally real reality show True Whori with the strung out possum slut Dean McDermott in Studio City, CA yesterday.