Category: Fake Asses

I See That Pimp Mama Kris Came Up With A Season Finale Kliffhanger For “Rob & Chyna”

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Rob Kartrashian deleted every pic of Blac Chyna from his Instagram and he unfollowed her. I should just end the post here, because I’m sure all of you immediately jumped out of your chair and ran to the nearest church to pray to all of the santos to keep these two together for the sake of genuine love.

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Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston Are Now Infecting Rome With Their Genuine Love

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

I am all for ToTay’s shameless world PR tour as long as they keep bringing that hot piece bodyguard (at least I think that’s a bodyguard) with them…

It’s been a little less than two weeks since the start date of Taylor and Tom’s contract Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s authentic love grew on a rock in Rhode Island and since then, they have moved faster than two U-Haul lesbians on speed. They went from Rhode Island to NYC to Nashville where Tom dad danced at a Selena Gomez concert and met Tay Tay’s parents. From Nashville, they took their “We’re Really, Really In Love” tour international when they visited Tom’s mom in England and Taylor’s stylist did her up in “old-fashioned English country girl” drag for a completely and private walk with his family and a dozen or so paparazzi on Covehithe Beach (see: the spontaneous and organic pictures below). And now they’re in Italy…. To Rome with UGH!

Taylor and Tom strolled through the Colosseum in Rome today, and she must’ve graciously let the paparazzi have the day off, because it was her fans who took pictures of them and posted that mess on Twitter and Instagram. They probably ended their day at a studio where they practiced riding a Vespa for their Roman Holiday-themed photo shoot for the paps tomorrow.

So, since they’ve met each other’s parents and are in Europe now, I fully expect them to elope in an extremely private ceremony in front of the Eiffel Tower at 11 in the morning on Wednesday. Their honeymoon in Bora Bora will be live-streamed on the Jumbotron in Times Square on Friday and they’ll show off the Baby Alive doll they adopted together outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London on Sunday. They’ll be divorced a week from today and Tay Tay will get custody of their Baby Alive doll.

But seriously, ToTay is looking so damn fake that it almost defeats the purpose of a PR relationship. Maybe this is one big performance art piece and Taylor’s artistic commentary on how her relationships are perceived by the media. Naw, I’m giving her ass too much credit.

Pics: @Style89,

And On The Next Keeping Up With The Kartrashians….

January 26, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s been approximately 45 seconds since Blac Chyna squirted out that THOTful Instagram post where she made it clear that she’s bumping her humongous stress ball ass cheeks against Rob Kardashian’s FUPA. Since then, Pimp Mama Kris has really made the most of this family “scandal” by probably leaking stories about how Kylie Jenner is mad about her brother doing her boyfriend’s baby mother and how the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is using Rob. They’re pissed because only they are allowed to use a ho for cheap publicity!

But really, I guess Rob finally picked up a script, because today he posted that note and SANS FARDS picture of Blac Chyna on Instagram. Handymen are probably busy loosening the Botox in Kim Kartrashian’s mug with chisels so that her cry face looks sort of natural when she shoots her response to that Instagram post for the season finale of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians. TMZ also posted a pro-Blac Chyna story that claims she’s helping him lose the chunk and get healthy.

Sources close to the unexpected couple tell TMZ, Chyna has been a positive influence on Rob because she’s helping him get back in shape.

We’re told Chyna introduced Rob to her personal trainer about a month ago, and since then they’ve done several intense workouts together.

So let’s see, Blac Chyna is the enemy of the Kartrashians who is healing Rob’s sugar-filled heart and is helping him once again rebel against his family of fame whores. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is blatantly stealing storylines from soap operas now. Let’s hope that she steals her next storyline from One Life to Live and her entire family gets trapped in an underground city far away from civilization! 

Proof That Everlasting Love Is A Lie: Kylie Jenner And Tyga Broke Up

November 20, 2015 / Posted by:

(Note: You may be thinking that Kylie Jenner’s leg scar is from where Pimp Mama Kris removed her soul and shoved in a giant plastic ass during her koming-of-age ritual, and you’re probably right, but she says it’s from a childhood accident.)

It’s a sad week for ick nast creeps. Jared Fogle found out he’s going to prison for at least 13 years and now Tyga has been dumped by the only reason why most of us know that he exists. Tyga is probably going to have to change the lyrics in that barf-inducing song of his from “she a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated” to “she a big girl, dawg, when she dumps my ass,” because E! says that Wite Chyna and the human turtle queef have broken up after being a thing for a year.

Tyga threw himself a 26th birthday party at some club last night and his Kim K klone piece wasn’t there and it wasn’t because her underage ass couldn’t get in. Pimp Mama Kris, I mean, a source, tells E! that they’re on a break. Don’t worry, parents, you don’t have to hide your teen daughters just yet, because Tyga is not on the prowl for a new girlfriend right now.

“They are on a break. They were just a week or so ago talking about ‘ever after’ and things got messy this past week. Kylie wants time to just be by her self and do her. Tyga is not giving up as that’s his one and only lady.”

But another source (PMK’s cell phone was really busy today) tells TMZ that Kylie dumped Tyga because of something he did and “pressure” from her family. Hmm… I wonder what that something is? Here are a few guesses:

1. Tyga told Kylie Jenner she looked prettier without 46 pounds of paint slapped onto her face.

2. The something he didn’t do is make more money and he got outbid by a richer dude PMK found.

3. This is all just another PMK-produced stunt and is setting the stage for Tyga leaking a sex tape as an act of revenge.

Whatever the case may be, I just want to know (no, I don’t) who is getting kustody of their $40,000 dog?! We already know she’s getting custody of the lease payments on the Ferrari her gave her for her birthday.

Pics: Getty, Splash

The Canadian Jesus Brought The Raw Emotion After His VMAs Performance

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.

Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.

But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.

Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.

And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.

Pics: Getty,


And On The Season Premiere Of Krapping Up The Kartrashians…

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Kim Kartrashian has a silicone womb full of her next publicity stunt and Khlozilla trapped her next victim, Kourtney Kartrashian had to come up with her next storyline or Pimp Mama Kris would’ve banished her to the basement where she’d have to spend her days watching Fat Rob dry his tears on a mountain of socks he never sold. So Kourtney decided to dump the father of her 3 kids, Scott Disick, because Pimp Mama Kris always told her: What’s the point of making babies with a man if you’re not going to dump him for the sake of your reality shit show and tabloid coverage?

Kartrashian Kentral (aka E! News) says that the human embodiment of a drool stain broke up with Scott over the Fourth of July weekend. The Slow One is apparently sick of Scott partying all the time and she ended things after seeing pictures of him touching his ex-piece Chloe Bartoli while vacationing in the South of France. Scott is still in Monte Carlo and is telling everybody that he’s single now. “E!’s source” (government name: Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner) spilled out this shit about the break-up:

“Kourtney has always taken Scott back and been by his side, but now with three kids it has gotten old. Kourtney has to do what’s best for the kids. Scott has been running around saying he’s single. Kourtney dumped him after she saw the pics [in Monte Carlo] and he hasn’t been home after a month-long party binge.

Kourtney is putting on a brave face, but she is over it. She’s fed up. It’s humiliating and disrespectful. How much more is she supposed to take? Scott does not seem to care about what he’s doing. He’s clearly unraveling. He was a mess in NYC last month with the drinking and partying and he’s been in a downward spiral ever since. He’s been in trouble before, but this is on another level.”

Brave face? I haven’t heard of that kind of facelift. It must be some new shit you can only get done in South America.

I know this devastating and heartbreaking news makes you want to punch your chest while crying on a pile of bloody cherubs who committed suicide over true love being dead, but don’t worry. I’m sure that Scott and Kourtney will get back together as soon as they get the KUWTK script that reads:


That’s emoji for: Shit Head and Sloth Girl get back together. (Like most of her sisters, Kourtney can only read emojis.)

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