I’m sure we’ve all done something for money that we regret. Luckily for us normals, whatever it was is probably safely filed away somewhere in the back of our minds under “Let’s Never Speak Of This Again”. Unluckily for academy award winning actress Brie Larson, her questionable transaction is about to be released in theaters and On Demand tomorrow.
Back in 2013, well before she won her Oscar for Room, even before she was on anybody’s radar with Short Term 12, Brie made a “Bollywood” musical called Basmati Blues about a scientist named Linda who develops a super strain of rice and gets sent to India by her evil corporate boss (who is named Gurgon (!), played by Donald Sutherland) for… well for reasons. After sitting on the shelf for 5 years, Brie probably thought she was in the clear but then here comes 2018 like “surprise, bitch!”.
Many of us cynical old whores believe that Jennifer Lawrence’s graceful “Cinderella at the ball” fall at the Oscars was created with help from 3 publicists, a team of choreographers, a pair of knee pads and a stage fight coach. Many of us SWEAR we could see Jennifer Lawrence mouthing to herself, “…And 1…2..3…FALL.” Miss Pissy Hands fell again the next year at the Oscars and last week, she tripped again. I’ve been waiting for JLaw to dye her hair Lucille Ball ginger and marry a Cuban dude since she’s obviously the new Wacky Slapstick Queen of Hollywood! But Jennifer Lawrence was on The Tonight Show last night and she told fellow clumsy bitch Jimmy Fallon that her falls are organic and real and she doesn’t like to talk about them, because she doesn’t want anyone to think she’s faking that shit. That is so something a STUNT QUEEN who fakes her falls would say!
If you peeked into the teepee in Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s backyard, you’d find Donald Sutherland smoking peyote and mind waxing about the solar plexus with Jaden and Willow. He’s obviously on the same shit as them.
At the premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 in L.A. on Monday night, Donald Sutherland slobbered out an ocean of praise for Jennifer Lawrence to E!’s Marc Malkin. According to Donald Sutherland, Jennifer Lawrence is the special messiah we all need and centuries from now, our children’s children’s children’s children will celebrate her birthday by farting out carols and watching her greatest work House at the End of the Street. Donald dribbled out this verbal craziness:
“When I worked with her, I realized the child was a genius. She’s the right person at the right time in the sense of Joan of Arc or Jesus Christ, any genius, in that sense.
She has the ability as an actor to tell the truth out of the material and that truth is immediately recognizable with everybody because it hits you in your heart, your solar plexus and your mind. And she has the genius of person to be not affected by all of this. She’s just a real girl.”
At first I thought he was joking, but does Donald Sutherland even joke? Jesus Chris, I mean Jennifer Lawrence, he laid it on thick. We get it, Donald Sutherland, we get it. You just saw her pictures from The Fappening.
Wearing clothes is hard, it really is. Unless you’re wearing a Snuggie, there are so many things that could go wrong: Camel Toe, Pancake Ass, Hot Dog Boob. Elizabeth Banks must know this, because instead of torturing her titties by wrapping them in a too-tight bandage dress or cramming her ass into some kind of high-waisted satin pant contraption, she showed up to the London premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 this evening wearing a billowy sleeveless chiffon duvet cover with a built-in blanket cape. Normally a dress like this might make me shout “FUG!”, but not this time and here’s why:
1. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing someone who looks like at any given moment could drop to the floor and take a comfortable nap.
2. Elizabeth’s dress reminds me of this rich girl I knew when I was 8 named Sabrina. Her nanny let her eat icing sugar by the spoonful, and you couldn’t touch anything in her house because it was opulent as hell. This dress reminds me of the duvet in her parent’s second bedroom, which I believe was used solely for fucking.
3. Elizabeth’s dress also reminds me of the one the greedy-ass queen from The Queen Who Stole The Sky makes when she steals the sky, and that’s super hot, because that crazy bitch stole the sky! THE SKY!
Here’s more of honorary shameless slut Elizabeth Banks working some “The bottom half of my dress is filled with farts and nobody can tell” eleganza in London this evening in what will no doubt be the first of 4,083 Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres, as well as the rest of your mom’s bedding sale haul, including Jennifer Lawrence wearing an embroidered mattress cover, Jena Malone wearing the cover from a yellow satin bolster pillow, and Natalie Dormer looking like a fancy scented underwear drawer sachet.
If watching toilet paper commercials gives you the urge to go pee, then I strongly suggest you take a break and empty your bladder before pressing play on the first trailer for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, otherwise you might find yourself in the middle of a Fergie-Ferg moment. I know it’s supposed to get me all amped up to see another 2 hours of Jennifer Lawrence shooting arrows at shit in depressing future times, but all the trailer does is make me want to go to the bathroom.
I know it’s supposed to be Donald Sutherland’s office or castle in Panem or whatever (can you tell I’ve never watched The Hunger Games?) but it feels like they filmed the whole thing inside a fancy future Restoration Hardware catalogue. And I’m told this is supposed to be a propaganda commercial, but it still feels like Donald Sutherland is auditioning to replace those butthole-obsessed Charmin bears. I can practically feel the quilted cottony softness of his coat soothing my no-no after eating an entire bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
This is a new trailer, but it’s giving me deja-vu for some reason. Let’s see…stark white room…a delusional megalomaniac with a god complex…a silent twink with a vacant look on his face. Oh right! The Scientology Christmas card.
And how much do you want to bet that immediately after watching this all-white Hunger Games trailer, the search history on Lindsay Lohan’s laptop started filling up results for “Panem” + “Magical city make of coke??” + “Direct flights”.
The heads of Dior must all feel a fiery hate in their charcoal hearts for Jennifer Lawrence and deep in their offices is a locked room where the walls are covered with pictures of her Xed out face and the floor is covered with their intricate plan to take her down. Their anus lips are probably still chapped from Jennifer Lawrence getting the lead role in that Hunger Games shit over one of their faves. They obviously wanted that Kaya Scodelario chick to play Katniss and now they’re punishing Jennifer Lawrence by hiring her as the face of Dior so they can make her wear jacked-up shit like this. Everything is going according to plan.
At last night’s L.A. premiere of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (which is what I wish happened to that dress before she put it on), Jennifer Lawrence wore some dress that I’d like to sit under if the mosquitos took over the world and vowed to eat us all alive. Bitch looks like she was getting drunk by the pool and when she tried to run into the house for a white wine spritzer refill, she crashed through the screen door. While she was on the floor, her assistant ran up, told her she was late for the premiere, belted the screen door around her bathing suit and called it a look!
And an impossible thing just happened. Joan Rivers found a way to move her stretched rubber face into a look of glee, because she can’t wait to talk shit about her arch rival’s fug dress thing on Fashion Police.
Here’s more from last night’s premiere including some of Jaden and Willow Smith dressed like a new age lesbian couple from a planet far away and Jena Malone pairing The Slut Dress: Sparkly Holiday Edition with some Sharpie Groucho Marx brows.