Riccardo Tisci, Givenchy’s creative director and the genius fashion troll responsible for doing Kim Kartrashian up like a Laura Ashley sausage casing, spilled out a caca river of ridiculousness that is so delusional that if any of us said it our family members would drop a giant net over our bodies and drag us off to a padded room somewhere. A few months ago, Kanye Kardashian (née West) went Defcon level 1 when he declared his plastic Just My Size dress-up doll as the Marilyn Monroe of our time. Well, there’s an echo in Fame Whore Valley, because the trick who shares a Best Friends Forever necklace with Kanye said the same thing to The Sunday Times (via E! Online). While his tongue was pressed firmly up against Kanye’s freshly waxed asshole, Riccardo Tisci managed to say this:
“I met her as the girlfriend of a good friend. I just wanted a moment with her to understand—and I fell in love. She’s the Monroe of our age. People think she’s like a doll, but actually she’s tough and clever.
It’s not so much the beauty of people, but the talent, the roots and the intelligence that concern me. I love people who are not scared to fight for their own rights and have their own point of view. The world is big: the music world is big, the art world is big and the fashion world is big, but I think you can recognize a tribe in the similarity of people.”
If Riccardo Tisci’s friends and family truly cared about him, they’ll tell him that is not something you say out loud in public. If you have to say it, it’s only something you say into Kanye’s ear while spooning on a gold-beaded mink bedspread below a mirrored ceiling. Riccardo must be suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and the only cure is to immediately stop and callate la boca.
And a Botox-filled melting wax mannequin that wears whatever fugness her fiancé tells her to wear is definitely a ho I’d describe as not being afraid to “fight for her own rights.”
Here’s Kim looking like a curdled cream puff while walking from Kanye’s apartment to the car in NYC yesterday.
I haven’t thought about Korn since watching a stripper awkwardly pussy pop to “Bitch We Got A Problem” at a strip club in 2008, but yesterday TMZ shat up a piece of Korn back into my brain when they posted a clip of Jonathan Davis getting deep about President Obama using Miley Cyrus’ suffocating pussy lips to distract us from his evil plan to solely takeover the country. Jonathan Davis’ dreads are hairy rods that hold super secret political secrets (he probably has the ending to America’s favorite political documentary Scandal stuck in there).
At LAX, TMZ asked Jonathan about Korn’s video for “Spike In My Veins” which is full of clips of Miley, Kanye, Rob Ford, Justin Bieber and other hos who are always splattered against our TV screens. Jonathan says that when the media was farting out nothing but clips of Miley’s VMAs performance, Obama was quietly passing a law giving him the power to throw any of us into a prison cell anytime he wants. MAKES COMPLETE SENSE! Gossip Cop broke down the truth according to the guy from Korn:
“I think that our government uses [celebrities] to distract from what’s really going on,” explained Davis.
Referring to Cyrus’ infamous VMAs appearance and the subsequent media storm, Davis offered this theory: “When that went down, Barack Obama passed a law that made him basically a dictator… he can imprison whoever he wants.”
Somebody’s been mainlining that Ted Nugent shit, I see.
What’s crazy is that what Jonathan Davis is saying isn’t totally crazy. Miley’s nasty gunk ass tongue is bringing us all to our knees, and if you asked a normal American to name one CNN anchor they’d probably say A.J. Hammer. (Was there any other?!) But if Obama is dangling messes in front of us to distract us from noticing that he’s slowly taking away all our freedoms, can he PLEASE at least dangle better famous whores in front of us? Before he becomes our sole overlord, can he please hypnotize us with an Andrew Shue sex tape or a new Stacey Q album or a Kids Incorporated reunion season? Can he please drop Miley and use Martika as a political hypnotizing tool instead?!
Justin Bieber’s Wax Figure Has Been Removed From Madame Tussauds Due To ‘Excessive Groping And Fondling’
Ugh, I feel like just typing the words ‘Justin Bieber‘ in the same sentence as ‘groping’ and ‘fondling’ have put me on some sort of watch list. And if that didn’t do it, then downloading the 100% Not Right picture of Justin Bieber’s wax figure definitely did. If anyone out there knows how to erase the contents of a hard drive, let me know.
I guess today’s theme is Candle-Looking Motherfuckers, because here comes a second story about a plastic face ruined by too much manipulation. According to Page Six, the New York location of Madame Tussauds was forced to retire their 3-year-old wax figure of Justin Bieber after crazy fans turned it into Sloth from The Goonies by violently molesting up the face with their love:
One source said of the Bieber figure, which was installed in his younger, more innocent days, “With no ropes or barriers to stop them, thousands of fans have had their photographs taken with him since then — but it has taken its toll.”
Madame Tussauds New York says the figure has been damaged over the years, and despite regular maintenance, “it no longer does justice either to the star or to the attraction,” and so it has reluctantly decided to remove it.
Madame Tussauds general manager, Bret Pidgeon, acknowledged, “This is disappointing, but hopefully we can welcome a new ‘grown-up’ Justin back to the attraction in the near future.”
What part of that awful wax figure made people want to start aggressively rubbing their no-nos on: the soccer mom vest or the Sears wig? I really shouldn’t be judging these people (no matter how weird or in need of deep psychiatric care they clearly are); if Madame Tussauds ever made a wax replica of The Hammaconda, I’d be the first to plan an elaborate Ocean’s 11-style heist to steal it. Except knowing my dumb ass, I’d end up getting caught before I even made it out to my car. The jig would be up after several guests of Madame Tussauds track down a security guard and complain that there’s a woman curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the restrooms, clutching a giant wax peen and weeping “Thiiiis is the haaaaappiest day of my liiiiiiife.”
Dylan Farrow accusing Woody Allen of abusing her when she was a little girl was brought up on The View today and you’d expect Botox-brained Jenny McCarthy or Whoopi “Rape Rape” Goldberg to fart out some stupidity wrapped in what-the-fuckness, but Barbara Walters did the honors today. Barbara Walters sat next to Stephen King in the Team Woody section of the auditorium when she defended Woody Allen by saying that she knows him well (because Barbara Walters knows every famous bitch well) and he’s a loving, caring father to his two daughters. Barbara’s defense would make complete sense if all child touching trash were openly shitty people, looked like the It clown and abused kids in front of everyone, but we all know that just because the outside says, “loving and caring father,” doesn’t mean that the inside doesn’t say, “child touching trash.” But Barbara kept rambling on and threw down for Woody:
“I know Mia. I have a good relationship with her, but I’ve been with Woody many times with his two daughters. He’s got almost a twenty-year-old marriage. I have rarely seen a father as sensitive, and as loving and as caring as Woody is to these two girls. I don’t know about Dylan, I can only tell you about what I’ve seen now, that it’s a good marriage and that he’s a loving, caring father. I think that has to be said.
Supposedly, she’s very angry and she’s doing it now, because he’s up for an award. The question is does your personal life interfere with the awards?”
While wearing a Peter Pan ass wig, Sherri Shepherd threw herself into the ring and told Barbara that we always hear things like, “Oh, he was such a nice man,” and that we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Sherri went on to say that Woody was messing with Soon-Yi when she was just 17 so he has a record of messing with youngins. Barbara couldn’t wrap those points around her head and she kept arguing with Sherri.
I just… I just… When you’re in a race of reason with Sherri “The World Is Flat” Shepherd and she crosses the finish line while you’ve barely limped a foot away from the starting line, it’s time to get off the track. And Sherri did it while wearing a Peter Pan ass wig!
I had to double-check nearly 9 times that I had found Tila Tequila’s actual, for real, not-hacked Facebook page because each time I clicked on it, my brain kept saying: “This cannot be it. Did I spell Tequila wrong? Why does she keep referring to herself as God’s Warrior? Is there more than one God Warrior? I thought there was only one.” What I’m saying is that Tila Tequila is for-fucking-real CRAZY, you guys (in other news: water is wet, sky is blue, Kris Jenner is a reptile).
Tila Tequila took a break from ranting about Nazis and Zionists (yes, really) to talk about the death of Elisa Lam, a woman who’s body was found dead on the roof of a hotel. She then explains that the woman’s death was a ritualistic killing. Just like Paul Walker’s. Wait, WHAT?
“But I’ll keep talking anyway…”
Two words: THE FUUUUUUUCK?!?! Let me get this straight: Tila believes that Paul Walker was ritually murdered by an occult group as a sacrifice, right? Wait, so who was driving the car? One of the occultists? Was Vin Diesel in on it? This is crazy. No, fuck that, this is crazy-crazy. Even the crazy homeless guy ranting on your subway car about aliens as he pops a squat and takes a hot dump is thinking “This bitch is certifiable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mail a letter to Jesus c/o The Pentagon”.
Someone needs to call the giant bottle of 99¢ Store drain cleaner and disposable g-string that made Tila and tell them they need to come and pick up their kid, because homegirl’s gone off the deep end. What happened? It seems like just yesterday she was ordering shots of love, and now she’s holed up in her House of Crazy in a tinfoil hat (and matching nipple covers) ranting online about end times and murders and the “Synagogue of Satan” (HER WORDS NOT MINE PLS DON’T SEND ME EMAILS). How many signatures do we need on a petition before MTV takes it seriously and creates a show called A Shot at Sanity? 16 psych ward doctors competing to see who can check her into Cedars Sinai under a 5150 hold first? I’d watch it.
(Pic via Facebook)
Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.
TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.
Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.”
Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”
In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward. Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”
Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.
Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.
Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.
(Photos via Splash)
When Jon Cryer (you know the other other one from Two and a Half Douchebags) and his first wife Sarah Trigger executed their marriage in 2004, a judge gave him full custody of their son, because she was labeled as an unfit mother. Sarah proved the judge right five years later when she was arrested after allegedly choking her son out with a cord. Even though Sarah might’ve committed a felony Joan Crawford on her son, she was given 5% custody and Jon was forced to pay her $8,000 a month in child support. Since then, Sarah has worked her way up to 50% custody and now she wants a 1000% raise! Shameless hos stay shameless.
TMZ says that Sarah, who is kind of giving me “Jennifer Grey after too much electroshock therapy” vibes, is asking a judge to up her child support from $8,000 a month to $88,969 a month. Sarah’s reason is classic. Sarah claims that their 13-year-old is being bullied by rich brats at his fancy private school The Buckley School because he’s practically poorer than poor! All the other kids go on vacations to Europe and Thailand and have their birthday parties at places like Sky High Sports, and he doesn’t. All the kids go to expensive summer camps and he can’t because his mom only gets an $8k check a month. And Sarah had this to say about Bar Mitzvahs:
“Last year there were multiple Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs all with custom invitations, a dress code and huge private receptions afterward.”
Sarah says that because she has 50% custody now and Jon makes $2 million a month, she deserves that $88,969 a month.
None of this makes sense. When those brats make fun of Jon and Sarah’s son for being picked up by his mom in an E-class instead of being picked up by the butler in a Maybach, couldn’t he pull out his iPhone (which is probably an iPhone 5 instead of an iPhone 5s, embarrassing!) and show them that his dad makes $620,000 an episode? If going to Thailand for holiday break is that big of a deal, couldn’t Jon just take him? No, that would still be crazy, because going to Thailand so the kids stop making fun of you is insane!
It’s really hard out there for rich kids. They really need their own #itgetsbetter (aka #thecheckswillgetbigger) campaign. But I can’t fully hate on crazy-eyed Sarah. What’s the point of having a kid with a millionaire TV star if you’re not going to use that kid to get $88,000 a month?
Would you expect anything less from a crazy ass who holds her trophy like it’s a serving platter?
During the Tribute to Dead People (also featuring some Emmy shit) last night, Melissa Leo, who won Guest Actress in a Comedy for Louie, came out to present something and I had to pause to make sure I was looking at this mess correctly. This is some “hit the pause button, take a gulp of something strong, and look at it again” shit. It takes a special brand of “I don’t give one fuck” to put together a bunch of shit that has no business being put together. The only thing she was missing was a top hat and an umbrella, because she looked like Jiminy Cricket’s deranged mom.
This is the look, because Melissa Leo looks like she’s ready to whip at a lion in the circus or serve spirits in copper mugs at a bar in Sleepy Hollow. And she doesn’t care. Johnny Depp has probably worn this ensemble in a Tim Burton movie and I can say with one hundred percent confidence that Melissa Leo definitely wore it better.
35-year-old Robert Hunter of Middlesborough, England (Side note: Is Middlesborough the Florida of England, because when I first read this headline I said, “Oh, Florida” to myself) will spend the next 14 years in a prison cell, because he was convicted of getting underage girls to strip for him after he told them he was Justin Bieber. This is like the illegal dark-sided version of my 19-year-old self meeting “Chad Allen” in an AOL m4m chat room and really believing it was him. Okay, it wasn’t an AOL m4m chat room, it was Grindr. And it wasn’t when I was 19, it was last week.
The BBC (via Radar) says that prosecutors told the court that for years, Robert Hunter met underage kids online and pretended to be Justin Bieber. Robert Hunter told his victims that he, Justin Bieber, would be their boyfriend if they took off their clothes in front of their webcams. He then used those videos of the girls to get underage boys to do the same thing for him. Then he used the videos from boys to lure in more girls. If one of his victims tried to back out, he threatened to expose them on social networks. Prosecutors say that one 12-year-old cut herself after Robert Hunter posted her pictures and phone number on Facebook.
After years of going after kids all over the world, Robert Hunter finally got caught when a girl realized something in the milk was a pedo and called the police.
Robert Hunter pleaded guilty to 15 charges of inciting a child to engage in sexual activity and 14 of making indecent photos.
And as always, The Onion predicted this shit.
Fans of all kinds are yanking and pulling at Beyonce. A couple of months ago, an actual fan grabbed Beyonce’s Malaysian weave and tried to snatch that shit from off of her head. That fan was later put down, dismantled and all of its part were thrown down into the basement with Basement Baby. Basement Baby is now using the fan to grill moth balls on. And then last night at a show in Sao Paulo, a crazed, shirtless Brazilian fan grabbed her and pulled her into the pit of rabid Bumblebeys while she was singing “Irreplaceable.” A look of potent fear and terror covered Beyonce’s face as if somebody just told her that her entire wig crypt (copyright: Fresh) was just destroyed in a fire. Seriously, this looks like a human being swallowed by a mob of zombies.
Before all the crazed Bumblebeys pounced on her and drowned her with their slobber, her bodyguards pulled her out of the pit and she kept on singing. Beyonce’s bodyguards were going to throw the insane body snatcher out of the show, but she stopped them and ten seconds later shook the crazy bitch’s hand. Beyonce shaking that crazy bitch’s hand was her way of giving him his last rites, because I’m sure her bodyguards dragged him out of there and he was later used as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.
Will crazy bitches stop yanking at Beyonce? Is it really that serious? It’s just Beyonce! It’s not like she’s the last Cronut on Earth or a box of America’s rarest and most delicious delicacy Jell-O-1-2-3. I swear, Beyonce’s going to have to get herself a mic that doubles as a taser.