BEWARE: If you’re ever in a Manhattan bar and hear a voice say, “We want Taylor Swift songs,” down your drink immediately and bust on out of there, because a hissy fit tantrum cunt show is about to go down.
Gawker says that on Monday morning, the owner of the East Village wine and tapas bar Ballaró, found the words, “WE DO NOT PLAY TAYLOR SWIFT HERE YOU CUNTS GRAZIE,” written in playground chalk on the sidewalk in front of her establishment. (Side note: In my next life, I hope I’m a passive aggressive Italian drag queen named Cunts Grazie.) The bar’s owner Denyse Santoro didn’t need to whistle for Detective La Toya Jackson to solve the case, because she knew who left that charming note. The chalk vandals were in her bar the night before.
Elton John and his 90-year-old mother Sheila Farebrother (that’s a hot last name, by the way) haven’t said a word to each other in over 7 years. Sheila told The Daily Mail a few months ago that Elton stopped talking to her after he demanded that she cut off two of his ex-employees she had become friends with and she refused. Sheila thinks that Elton’s husband David Furnish controls him and is part of the reason why she has no relationship with him. Elton hasn’t completely cut Sheila off. He still pays her bills. Sheila turned 90 back in March and she invited Elton. After he turned down her invitation, she hired an Elton John impersonator to fill the void. That is sadness wrapped in creepiness. (Side note: Please tell me that impersonator had a gig afterward where he had to play Donald Trump and that’s the reason why he’s wearing that dog butt wig.)
We’ve all had to deal with screaming babies or toddlers whose parents don’t try to shush them up. Even though a non-stop crying baby scrapes four layers off of my nerves, I’ve always tried to keep it together and not lose it, because I don’t want to be known as the ice cold cunt who made a kid cry more. (I can’t believe I typed that last part. I don’t know myself anymore.) But well, there’s a diner owner in Maine who doesn’t care and will gladly tell off a crying toddler.
Lynne Russell, who was an anchor on CNN Headline News for 18 years, and her husband Chuck de Caro, who was a special assignments correspondent on CNN in the 80s, were staying at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque, New Mexico when their night turned into some shit out of a Michael Mann movie.
Lynne has a black belt and Chuck used to be a Green Beret, so you know they’re members of the Not The One Club. CNN says that on Tuesday night, Lynne and Check stopped at the Motel 6 during a road trip from DC to California. It was just before midnight when Lynne left their room and went to their car to get something. Lynne noticed a strange dude throwing her looks. As she walked back to her room, the strange dude followed her. When she got to her room, he forced himself in. Chuck was in the shower at the time and when he heard some foolery going on, he walked out naked and wet and found the dude holding a gun to his wife. The Albuquerque Journal says that Chuck and Lynne both tried to reason with the gunman. I’ll pause here as you paint the image of a naked and wet Chuck trying to calm down a robber with a loaded weapon.
There’s probably a number of things that would suck about having Charlie Sheen as your dad. Hugs that smell like burnt hair and vodka. Birthday “cards” that are coke poems written on the back of CDC reminder notices. Waking up one morning and realizing that you haven’t seen him in two months. And we can add another thing to the list.
According to Radar, two of Charlie Sheen’s kids are having a hard time finding a school to go to, and it’s all because of who their dad is. A source claims that ever since Charlie Sheen encouraged his fans to send dog poo and rotten eggs to his daughter’s school back in 2013, private schools in Los Angeles have been politely declining meetings with Denise Richards and have slid applications for Sam and Lola Sheen straight into the trash.
“Sam and Lola have applied for admission at numerous private schools, and have been rejected at every single one. The girls have great grades, and test very well. Several of the schools made it clear there couldn’t be any risk of one of Charlie’s infamous tirades. These schools are the best of the best, and do everything to stay out of the media.”
I’m with them on that one. Nobody wants Charlie Sheen to show up on Career Day and start ranting about his “evil terrorist sack of landfill rash” ex-wife.
Sam and Lola aren’t totally up Sheen Creek on this one; the source says that Denise Richards is moving to an area with some good public schools. On the bright side, at least the public school system will give them a fresh start. Denise, now is the time you “accidentally” enroll them as Sam and Lola Smith.
If I was casting the role of Nicole Brown Simpson’s fame whore friend Faye Resnick, my list of possibilities would look like this:
1. Jessica Lange since she can do it all.
2. Kato Kaelin in bad drag.
3. A badly sculpted clay figurine of Jocelyn Wildenstein.
5. A pristine dew drop on the petal of a daisy right after spring’s first rain.
The last person I’d ever think of would be Connie Britton, but that’s exactly who’s playing Faye Resnick in Ryan Murphy’s FX miniseries American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson. Ryan Murphy tweeted the news today. There’s not enough HUHs in the world.
Faye Resnick was Nicole Brown Simpson’s friend and stayed at her condo until 4 days before she and Ron Goldman were murdered. Faye moved out and checked herself into rehab for an addiction to Lohan powder. O.J. Simpson’s defense team burped up a theory about how Nicole and Ron were murdered by drug dealers who were looking for revenge after Faye failed to pay them the money she owed. Fame Whore Faye helped write two books about the Simpson murder trial. Faye also posed with her nipples out in Playboy a couple of years after the trial. She nows works as an interior decorator and sometimes pops up on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as Kyle Richards’ plasticized guard dog.
Connie (that’s Rayna from Nashville to me and Tami Taylor to those of you hos who watched Friday Night Lights) was in the first season of American Horror Story.
So far American Crime Story stars Cuba Gooding Jr. as O.J. Simpson, Ross from Friends as Robert Kardashian, Sarah Paulson as Marcia Cross, John Travolta as Robert Shaprio and Courtney B. Vance as Johnnie Cochran.
This is the strangest cast and I love it. It has all the makings of a camp classic. Seeing a de-wigged John Travolta grill Connie Britton as she’s covered in forty layers of lead-based paint and lip liner for days is going to be the new meaning of life. Let’s just hope that Ryan Murphy keeps the inspired casting coming by hiring Richard Kline to play Pimp Mama Kris.
Here’s the morally corrupt Faye Resnick (copyright: Camille Grammer) with Camille and Kyle Richards at some event in Las Vegas on Friday night.
After more than six months since he sailed up to Heaven on the sound of his own smooth voice and five months since his body was declared missing, TMZ says Casey Kasem has finally been buried. Normally when a person passes away, their family will make plans to have the body buried or cremated or blasted into outer space on a rocket. But if the deceased person’s family happens to be a bunch of dramatic messes who hate each other, like Casey Kasem’s crazy butter-colored wife Jean and his daughter Kerri, then there’s a greater chance they’ll put the burial on hold and fight over where to bury the body instead. And in true messy family drama fashion, Jean went ahead and had Casey’s body buried in Norway like
she wanted he wanted last Tuesday without telling his children.
You’d think that burying a body that has been decomposing for six months would be a good thing, but it sounds like it might have been a bit of a shady move on Jean’s part. According to TMZ, the LAPD are still conducting an investigation into claims made by Casey Kasem’s kids that he was a victim of elder abuse, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to have the body exhumed now that it’s buried in foreign soil. And even if they do get the OK from Norway to dig Casey’s body up, Jean never had it embalmed, which means that whatever bedsores he may or may not have had will be long gone. And just like that, Jean’s portrait was moved from the Gold Digger Hall of Fame to the Gold Digger Basement of Oh Hell No.
Regardless of how much side-eye we’re throwing waaaay up high to Jean for how she did it, at least Casey Kasem’s body is in its final resting place. Which is a good thing, because he’ll no doubt need lots of rest in preparation for the lifetime of haunting his ghost is going to give Jean for letting his body decompose for half a year.
Shades of Jennifer Lawrence’s mob of crazy fans were painted outside of The Daily Show in NYC last night when autograph seekers and Brangeloonies lost their minds over being close to Dame St. Angie Jolie. It’s like they were Black Friday shoppers and she was a 20% flat-screen TV.
If you really want your ear holes to be stabbed with the sound of paps and Brangeloonies screaming for their idol, click here to see and hear the video. Jesus has postponed his second coming, because he know he won’t ever get a reaction like that and that would be really embarrassing for him. St. Angie’s four bodyguards tried to keep the craziness back, but at one point the craziness got event crazier and one of her fans complained about having a panic attack. TMZ says that St. Angie heard her loyal subject’s cries of panic and commanded her bodyguards to save the woman. Once the disciple in a wolf hat was pulled to safety, St. Angie soothed her nerves, signed an autograph and took a selfie with her. The woman in the wolf hat was later heard telling her friends, “Now I know how Peter felt when Jesus saved him!”
I know most of you shameless hussy whores don’t go to church, but if you do go to church this weekend for some reason and wonder why all the bibles are missing from the pew pockets, there’s a good explanation. Every bible from every church has been removed and will be put back once this story of St. Angie’s tale of saintly selflessness is added to it.
Before St. Angie rescued one of her fans from the pits of crazy, she sat down with Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart, who was in Playing By Heart with her, pretty much revealed himself as the captain of the Manhattan chapter of Brangeloonies by slobbering out words of praise about her and flirting with her hard. Jon ended their interview by saying, “I gotta tell you from the moment I met you, it’s got to be 20 years ago, [I said to myself] ‘This person has talent coming out of all different areas.‘” St. Angie just giggled and batted her eyes at him.
Well, there goes Jon Stewart’s marriage of 14 years. St. Angie can wreck a home just with the bat of an eye. That legendary home wrecker.
Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair
It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.
TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.
Seen above clinging on to Benedict Cumberbatch as they shield themselves from the pussy nectar geysers shooting out of the Cumberbitches at the London premiere of The Imitation Game early last month, Keira Knightley was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night and the subject of B. Cums’ insane fans came up. There’s no need for the original KK to join the Cumberbitch Protection Program, yet, because yeah, she called them scary, but she did it with ~love~.
KK worked with B. Cums in 2008 while shooting Atonement and that was long before he became the Alien Lizard God of Tumblr, so Seth said that she’s seen the evolution of the Cumberbitches. KK gently tiptoed into the subject by saying they’re “terrifying” yet “lovely.” I see KK adding a little British flavor to “oh honey, bless your heart.” The anti-Photoshop activist also told a story about how the Cumberbitches told her to move along.
“It’s terrifying. I mean, they’re lovely. I feel terrified saying they’re terrifying cause they might come after me. So… yes, it’s amazing! They’re very artistic! They paint pictures of him. You go to premieres and there’s these amazing paintings of Ben looking Ben-like… [They’re] a very hysterical, artistic type.
I actually had a really embarrassing moment at the London premiere, because — they really do — they scream more than I’ve ever heard for anyone else, but I had a publicist with me and she went, ‘You know, go sign some autographs.’ I went over there and went ‘Oh yeah, of course, of course, no problem!’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, we don’t want you. We’re just here for Ben.'”
Terrifying, hysterical and artistic types… That should be Tumblr’s new tagline! From what I’ve seen, the Cumberbitches don’t seem to be as batshit as some of the other “fandoms,” but I’m still surprised that they shooed KK away the same way Kim Kardashian’s brain shoos away all reasonable thoughts. I mean, KK played B.Cums’ beard in the movie, so I’m assuming they had at least one kissing scene. Since her lips have touched B. Cums’ lips, I’m surprised the Cumberbitches didn’t ask to mate with her mouth or try to rip her mouth skin off.
Here’s the clip of KK talking about the Cumberbitches. Toward the end of the clip, she tells a little story about how her mom, playwright Sharman Macdonald, thinks Breaking Bad is a comedy:
So, KK’s mom sits there laughing while watching bodies melt from acid? I’d call that terrifying and lovel- No, I’d just call that terrifying.
Here’s a maybe pregnant KK leaving a NYC hotel while dressed like a rich hobo farmer.