That photo was obviously a silent cry for help. At first, it looks like Casey Kasem’s glazed in the eyes, because that Amazonian she-hulk is squeezing him so tight that he’s losing consciousness. But now that I look at it, it’s obvious that the look in his eye says, “Save me from this crazy bitch who will one day drag my dead body all over the world.”
When we last left the bitch tower of craziness that is Jean Kasem, she was out of the country and Casey’s family was trying to track her down because his body was missing. At the time, Jean Kasem was believed to be in Israel, because she’s a humanitarian and figured that if she went to the Middle East, the Israelis and the Palestinians would stop fighting each other and join forces to get her out. Well, Jean Kasem has turned up and so has Casey’s body. Casey’s body has been in Montreal for weeks, but now Jean’s trying to move it to Oslo, Norway, because she’s insane or because she’s really trying to rack up those frequent flier miles.
Jean pulled Casey’s body out a funeral home after his death in June and flew him all the way to Canada. Santa Monica PD is investigating Jean for elder abuse and they ordered an autopsy on the body, but that hasn’t been done yet, because his body is nowhere near L.A. TMZ says that Jean is planning on taking Casey’s body to Oslo and his kids are trying to stop that from happening. If Jean gets Casey’s body to Europe, an autopsy might never be done and the Santa Monica PD might have to drop their case against her due to insufficient evidence.
I’m sure they test for antifreeze poisoning in Canada, so can’t they just do the autopsy there? Better yet, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo and the gang need to stop playing around and drive the Mystery Machine to Canada to get Shaggy’s body. While they’re there, they should leave a trail of bologna slices and exquisite 90s headbands from Jean’s lair to their van so they can trap her ass.
This Weekend at Casey’s foolery needs to end. But then again, I wouldn’t be too mad if the Today show got rid of that shitty “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” segment and replaced it with “Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s Body?“
Mario Diaz of PIX 11 was reporting from Midtown in Manhattan about Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and it would’ve been a perfect moment if Shia appeared and tried to take Mario down with his old timey cartoon boxing moves while wearing his hot corduroy leggings. But the next best thing happen. A wild-eyed, happy-faced Erykah Badu slid into the shot while wearing Twinkie the Kid’s signature hat and looking like she just swallowed a Snoop Dogg fart. She looked stoned into another dimension. Erykah floated on by like a cracked-out Pac-Man ghost and she tried to give Mario a little kiss. But because Mario is a reporter in NYC and is probably used to street trolls trying to screw with him at work, he pushed her away and kept going. Mario didn’t know that he pushed away Erykah Badu, but his wife was watching from a few feet away and knew his ass just got Badu’d.
Mario twatted this afterward:
@fatbellybella I get it because… "Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your….. kiss"
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
@fatbellybella After she figured out what really happened she laughed and said, "Great taste." Next time I won't do the NYC push back.
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
Erykah Badu should stick to whatever strain of weed she smoked before she tried to kiss bomb Mario, because it’s doing good things to her. It’s so much better than whatever strain of weed she smoked before her crazy ass said that “racist gays” were the only ones criticizing her for performing for a dictator. And well, if you’re going to get trolled at work, you might as well get trolled by a stoned Erykah Badu wearing Farrah Abraham’s butt plug on her head.
If Shia LaDouche is trying to give us Joaquin Phoenix: The Sequel, then he’s going hard. Before he was handcuffed for slapping asses, smoking and acting insane during the first act of Cabaret on Broadway last night, Shia tried to snatch away a homeless man’s hat in Times Square. Suddenly Shia’s entire look makes sense. Everything on his body was stolen from a hobo. This is next level “how dreadful.”
TMZ has pictures of a wild-eyed, crazed Shia terrorizing the homeless dude, and Page Six has a video of Shia chasing the guy down. Witnesses told Page Six that it looked like Shia was trying to take the dude’s McDonald’s, but TMZ says that he was trying to steal a tan hat, because he thought it belonged to him. Witnesses say that Shia was running around Times Square, dodging people and screaming at the air. That doesn’t totally mean that Shia has slid into Amanda Bynes territory, because many people scream at the sky, dodge hos and run around while in Times Square. It’s a natural reaction to being around all those slow-walking tourists and the scent of sidewalk meat. One witness said that at time it seemed like Shia and the hobo were playing a game.
“At first I thought the bum had stolen something from [LaBeouf].. But the bum was responding in almost a joking manner. It was like they were playing tag!”
As I wrote about last night, the police had to put Shia’s face in a Hannibal mask, because he kept trying to hit the police with saliva bombs and he threw around the “fag” word as an homage to Alec Baldwin. Page Six says that he also paced around his cell and made up a rap song called “I Want To Go Out.”
So, Shia’s causing scenes, going around looking like the poorest tenant on Skid Row, terrorizing innocent people AND rapping. This really feels like a cross between the second coming of Joaquin Phoenix and the second coming of Amanda Bynes, and the most beautiful woman in the world (aka LaDouche’s mom) better come get her son before he ruins another Broadway show. It’s all fun and games until Alan Cumming has to stop dry humping a Kit Kat Boy because you’re smoking and hitting people in the audience.
Here’s Shia looking haggard, busted down, worn out and sad while leaving the police station this morning after pleading not guilty. He’s got those “I just spent 8 hours under fluorescent lighting” eyes (aka your after work eyes).
Yesterday the messy, sloppy, low-down dirty Casey Kasem family saga played out in a courtroom in Downtown Los Angeles when blonde Amazonian goddess full of crazy Jean Kasem tried to stop his three oldest children from controlling his medical care. Kerri Kasem and her brother and sister wanted the authority to tell their father’s doctors to stop feeding him artificial nutrition and water, because his doctor believes that it’s just dragging out his death and putting him through more pain. Jean Kasem wants to keep Casey alive and doesn’t want to cut off his food and water supply, because he can still communicate nonverbally and probably because she still hasn’t been able to get him to sign an updated version of his will that leaves everything to her. The Kasem kids won yesterday’s fight and strangely enough, Jean didn’t respond to the judge’s ruling by making Hamburger Helper out of Kerri’s face while screaming words from the Bible. Crazy bitch is losing her touch.
CNN says that the judge reversed his own decision and sided with Kerri. After the judge’s ruling, Kerri said that she’s only doing what her father wants. In 2007, Casey signed a statement saying that if he should ever end up in a state where he can’t do shit on his own and there’s no hope for him to do shit on his own, he doesn’t want to be kept alive. Of course, Jean is pissed off and outside of the courthouse, her lawyer Steve Haney, who for some reason always looks like he’s inhaling fumes out of a bull’s ass (hmmm, I wonder why?), told reporters that the judge’s ruling is nothing but a death sentence.
Kerri’s lawyer Troy Martin said that Casey is in a Washington hospital and his kids have invited their ground-beef wasting evil stepmonster to join them for his final moments.
TMZ says that even though Kerri (Side note: Yes, every time I type the word “Kerri,” I say “is sooo very” out loud.) invited Jean to be with Casey before he takes the 40 steps up to heaven, she is still coming for her stepbitch. The Santa Monica PD started investigating Jean Kasem for elder abuse after Kerri called them. Up until last month, Casey was in a Santa Monica convalescent home. But because Jean has pure insanity running through her veins, she pulled Casey out of that hospital and dragged him all around the West to get him away from his older kids. Jean dragged Casey to Nevada, then to Arizona, then back to Nevada and finally she flew him to Washington to stay with a friend. Kerri and her sister followed Jean to Washington and that’s where the ground beef battle royale (that kind of sounds delicious) went down. Kerri has medical documents that claim Casey got a bedsore during his forced road trip of insanity and the bedsore eventually got infected.
I figured that Jean Kasem would eventually be investigated by the police for committing ear, eyes and soul abuse for her work in The Tortellis, but elder abuse?! Who knew that the glorious vision of elegance who brought glamour to my eyes in Cheers would turn out to be a demonic Anna Nicole who wastes raw hamburger meat and practically held an American legend hostage?
Here’s Jean looking like Brigitte Nielsen as a Robert Palmer girl from HELL while standing outside of the courthouse with her hot lawyer yesterday.
Casey Kasem’s Gold Digging Amazon Goddess Wife Threw Raw Hamburger Meat At His Daughter While Quoting The Bible
The ridiculous battle over Casey Kasem between his gold digging psycho bitch of a wife Jean Kasem and his children from his first marriage reached DEFCON levels of insanity yesterday when that 5’10″ tower of crazy threw raw hamburger meat at his daughter and she did so in the name of King James! Game of Thrones can kindly take a seat in the back until further notice, because they keep trying it, but they have nothing on the Sunday night family theatrics that the Kasems pull.
As most of you know, Casey Kasem is not doing well and while he can’t speak and is suffering from Lewy body dementia, his wallet-humping second wife, Loretta Tortelli from Cheers, has been fighting 3 of his adult kids for control of his care. Jean wasn’t even letting Casey’s kids see him and three weeks ago she moved him out of a Santa Monica care facility to a friend’s house in Washington to get him further away from his children. But according to NBC News, on Friday, a judge in Kitsap County, Washington declared that Casey’s daughter Kerri Kasem can visit her dad once a day and she can take him to the hospital if she feels like it’s necessary. Kerri claims that Casey’s doctor told her that he’s got bed sores and has infections in his lungs. So on Sunday, Kerri showed up with an ambulance and that’s when the raw hamburger meat hit the fan.
Jean didn’t let the paramedics in and the cops were called. Around that time, Jean Kasem hit Kerri Kasem with a glob of raw hamburger meat. You know, suddenly I’m jealous of Kerri Kasem, because I wish I was hit with some raw meat this weekend. That isn’t even the craziest part. Jean later told NBC News she smacked a trick with meat in the name of King David:
“In the name of King David, I threw a piece of raw meat into the street in exchange for my husband to the wild rabid dogs.”
God, Jesus and his disciples are not having a good week. First, they get blamed for that crazy bride tying her baby to her dress and now they get blamed for Jean Kasem wasting some good raw hamburger meat. I don’t know if the crazy bride and Jean are just crazy (yes, they are) or if Jesus is just trolling humanity to see how far we’ll go.
Paramedics were eventually allowed into the house and they took Casey to the hospital.
When we were all younger and the soothing velvet voice of Casey Kasem softly brushed up against our ear tunnels, did we ever think he’d spend his final days lying in a half-vegetative state as his gold digging banshee wife chucks ground chuck at his Scientology daughter?
And the video from yesterday outside of the house in Washington is every layer of nuts. It has everything: a screeching Jean, a biker gang and EMTs trying not to pay attention to the crazy.
Michelle Duggar’s body language is saying: “I’m putting my hands in my lap, because I’m blocking my uterus from jumping out of my vagina and ripping out of my fashionable denim skirt.”
The doctor’s body language is saying: “I’m ready to catch this crazy bitch’s uterus and rush it to safety.”
Michelle Duggar is 47 years old. Michelle Duggar almost died the last time she gave birth in 2010. Michelle Duggar had a miscarriage in 2011. Michelle Duggar has to put a clamp on her vagina, because her uterus has fallen out a couple of times. But yet, Michelle Duggar still wants a baby in her, because fetuses are her crack. It’s been three years since Michelle’s been knocked up and her ovaries are getting a serious itch for Jim Bob Duggar’s hot fertile man leche, so they went to see a doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. On the next episode of 19 Kids and Counting (via UsWeekly), Michelle and Jim Bob talk to Dr. Paul Wendel of Little Rock, AK about the risks of her adding a 20th member to her child army at the age of 47. As Dr. Wendel kept saying “nooope nooope noooope” to himself, Michelle said this shit to him:
“I just want to make sure that if I am in that season of life where we’re not able to have any more, then I’m fine, I’m happy with that. But if there are things physically that I need to know, that I need to do, healthwise, just to be ready to catch a baby if God saw fit to give us one.”
I hate Michelle Duggar for giving me the image of God in a baseball uniform throwing a fetus to her catchers mitt uterus.
Dr. Wendell tells Michelle that the chances of her having a baby naturally are about as slim as the chances of me butt birthing out a baby naturally. The doctor also tells her that because of her age she has a 1 in 4 chance of giving birth to a baby with down syndrome. But Michelle Duggar isn’t hearing any of that. She just sits there with her eyes glazed over like a crackhead whose dealer is trying to tell them that they should stop doing crack.
I still can’t at “catch a baby.” She should worry less about catching a baby and worry more about catching and chasing after her uterus. Michelle should always have her running shoes on, because her uterus is done with crying. There’s no more tears to cry. It’s past that point. It’s determined now to break out of there. Every day, it does 1000 sit ups, 500 crunches and it’s training hard for the day when Michelle’s guard is down. On that day, it’ll fall out of her vagina and run, run, ruuuuun without looking back. Run, uterus, ruuuuuun.
With all that being said, Michelle’s crunchy Top Ramen hair is looking particularly stunning in that clip.
The “Angie Jolie Look-Alike” Who Forced A Cabbie To Have Sex With Her At Knifepoint Got Four Years In Jail
And that’s called taking your Angelina Jolie impersonation to ILLEGAL levels of wrong.
The messy story of the Angelina Jolie look-alike (more like a melting Pete Burns wax figure look-alike) went viral two years ago, but the case recently went to trial where new fucked-up details came out. In 2012, 31-year-old Luminita Perijoc of Tulcea in Romania was arrested after a cab driver accused her of pulling a knife on him and forcing him to have sex with her twice before she stabbed him for not giving it to her a third time. The 35-year-old cab driver Nicolae Stan says that he was called to her apartment to deliver wine (Side question: Cab drivers bring you wine in Romania?!) and when he got to her apartment the crazy bitch grabbed him, pulled him inside and forced him to take his clothes off. After she forced him to have sex with her while holding a knife to his froat, she forced him to perform oral sex on her. When she wanted sex a third time, he turned her down and so she stabbed him six times. Nicolae somehow managed to run into a bathroom where he locked himself in and called the police.
When Luminita, who calls herself an Angelina Jolie look-alike, was arrested, she told the cops she was the victim. The NYDN says that the court found her guilty and she was originally sentenced to 5 years in prison, but when she claimed she was on “strong medication” at the time she attacked Nicolae, they reduced her sentence to 4 years. Nicolae told the court that he would’ve tried to overpower her, but he was afraid people would think he raped her. He tried to get out of there without hurting her. The married father of two told reporters that his life is ruined, because dumb shits are laughing at him for turning down an “Angelina Jolie look-alike“:
“They don’t understand why I refused her, but they do not know what it is like to have a mad woman yelling at you at knifepoint. They look at her, then look at me and laugh. But I think anyone would find it impossible to perform with a knife at their throat even if they were with Miss Romania.”
So she rapes him more than once, stabs him six times and he gets shit while she only gets 4 years in the clink? Is there a Romanian Nancy Grace, because if there is I need to hear her thoughts about this.
Meanwhile, a Jennifer Aniston look-alike was cited for trespassing in Latvia after she broke into a toy store to cuddle with the baby dolls.
Kate Mulgrew Is Not A Geocentrist Even Though She Narrated A Documentary That Claims The Universe Revolves Around The Earth
Side-eyes were thrown at Kate Mulgrew (aka Red from Orange is the New Black, Captain Janeway from Star Trek and Mary Ryan from Ryan’s Hope) today when a trailer for a crazy documentary made the rounds and her voice was in it. The documentary about geocentricism is from Robert Sungenis, an insane anti-Semetic twat bag (no offense to bags of twats) who thinks the Holocaust never happened and thinks the Jews are involved in a Zionist conspiracy to make Satan the leader of the world. (Cut to Pimp Mama Kris and Satan sipping chardonnay by the pool while laughing about how this Robert Sungenis trick thinks the Jews are part of their evil plan to take over the world.)
According to the trailer for the documentary called The Principle, Galileo was wrong about the whole “the earth circles the sun” thing and everything you learned about the solar system in the 3rd grade was a lie. The Earth is a special place that is the center of the universe and is the only planet with forms of life on it. Sungenis (who is NO sun genius) also thinks NASA is covering up all geocentric-evidence that proves that he’s right.
Famous physicists Michio Kaku and Lawrence Krauss are both in the trailer, but Lawrence Krauss made it crystal clear in a post on Slate that the clips of him used in the movie were used without his permission and he doesn’t believe in that shit. Kate Mulgrew echoed Lawrence’s statement in a post on Facebook and wrote that she was a voice for hire, a check is a check and she would’ve never taken the job if she knew what it was for:
“I understand there has been some controversy about my participation in a documentary called THE PRINCIPLE. Let me assure everyone that I completely agree with the eminent physicist Lawrence Krauss, who was himself misrepresented in the film, and who has written a succinct rebuttal in SLATE. I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism. More importantly, I do not subscribe to anything Robert Sungenis has written regarding science and history and, had I known of his involvement, would most certainly have avoided this documentary. I was a voice for hire, and a misinformed one, at that. I apologize for any confusion that my voice on this trailer may have caused.”
Well, that’s that and Captain Picard can stop shaking his head out of embarrassment now. But you know, that geocentricism shit is not far off from what other groups believe. The Brangeloonies believe that the sun, the moon, the stars and the rest of the universe revolves around St. Angie Jolie and we’re lucky to live on the same planet as her. The Scientologists believe that the entire universe revolves around John Travolta’s wig. And Kanye West believes that the sun and all of the planets (including Kim’s 9th planet ass) were created just to revolve around him.
If you knew about this plasticized anime alien mess and forget about her, I apologize for bringing her back into your nightmares tonight. If you have no idea who this plasticized anime alien mess is, I apologize for introducing her to your nightmares tonight. Valeria Lukyanova is the Ukrainian creature who looks like a hybrid of a Barbie and a jointed snake toy, and got a lot of attention for being one of the only living things that can make Kim Kardashian look human by comparison. Valeria does herself up like a CGI porn alien and believes she can travel out of her body. Michael Idov of GQ went to the Ukraine to interview her ass and he shockingly learned that a trick who looks she escaped from Area 51 and has gone days where she only eats air (“Me too!” – Posh “Me three!” – Goop) is a total crazy bitch. Who knew?!
Valeria spit out some shit that’s not that crazy (example: she hates kids), but then she said that bi-racial people are killing the true definition of real beauty. Jade the bi-racial butterfly just spread her wings and flew on over to the Ukraine to shit on her.
On why she’s against race-mixing: “For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”
On how the only thing she’ll ever give birth to is a giant bundle of fucking crazy: “The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in me. Most people have children to fulfill their own ambitions, not to give anything. They don’t think about what they can give this child, what they can teach her. They just try to shape her according to some weird script—whatever they couldn’t do in life, like becoming a writer or a doctor. Or some woman who’s almost 30 and thinks no one needs her, she says, ‘Oh, I’ll have a kid. He will love me and become my reason to live.’ And then this kid becomes a soccer ball she and her boyfriend will kick back and forth. I’d rather die from torture, because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.”
On if she’s a feminist: “I’m against feminism. But what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?”
The hell is Prussian Blue Barbie even saying in that last quote. I’ve seen CAPTCHA sentences that make more sense than that shit. Bitch has no idea what feminism is and who wants water on their deathbed? If I’m on my deathbed, I want booze, bitch. Water being your last drank? That just goes to show you how crazy this mess is, because that’s full crazy.
And Mel Gibson’s irises just turned into two heart shapes and his eyelashes are fluttering like a dove’s wings, because he has finally found his one true love. But she’s still not going to blow him before Jacuzzi, because this crazy bitch only puts air in her mouth.
30-year-old Kitty, a dog trainer (yes, Kitty the dog trainer) and married mother of 1 tells ABC News that for years people have been telling her that she looks just like Jennifer Lawrence and I’m going to guess that most of those people were either drunk to the point where EVERYTHING looked like Jennifer Lawrence to them or they were legally blind, because Kitty looked like Jennifer Lawrence as much as my tattered b-hole looks like Megan Fox holding a rose in her mouth.
People telling Kitty that she looks like Jennifer Lawrence planted a seed in her brain and out sprouted the crazy idea to spend $25,000 (minus the discount from her plastic surgeon for doing it on TV) get six plastic surgeries to look even more like Jennifer Lawrence. Kitty’s four-week-long fuckery journey to become Jennifer Lawrence’s twin started in February at the First Surgical Hospital in Houston. Kitty’s plastic surgeon Dr. Franklin Rose gave her face lipo, body lipo, a titty job, a nose job and fat grafts to her cheeks and ass. All surgeries took six hours total and it took several weeks for her to fully recover from getting nipped, tucked and sucked. Kitty says that she ultimately got the surgery, because after she birthed out her 5-year-old daughter, she wasn’t that comfortable with her body and she really, really loves Jennifer Lawrence.
“I’m not trying to look like Pamela Anderson here during her ‘Baywatch’ days. I’m trying to look like a very capable, very personal level-headed female who is an Academy Award winner. I am a strong woman. I am in charge of how I look and I can change that and then change that again if I want. The reason why I decided to get surgery is because post having my daughter, I wasn’t quite as comfortable with my body,” she said. “I don’t think you have to be crazy to want to look better or feel better about yourself. That’s not crazy.”
The money for Kitty’s plastic surgeries came from a “me fund” she started before having her daughter. Kitty’s husband Eric didn’t think she needed to be touched with the plastic surgeon’s scalpel and he’s kind of “eh” about Jennifer Lawrence, so yeah he’s pretty much done with her ass. After all those surgeries, Kitty says she really looks like Jennifer Lawrence now. Here’s Kitty before, after and a picture of the celebrity she looks nothing like. Nothing is more tragic than a face cloning fail.
If I had $25,000 to spend on whatever, I’d spend it on hiring a scientist to perfectly replicate Jell-O 1-2-3 (aka the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth next to hard peen), so who am I to judge? (Actually, I’m still judging her, because spending $25k on bringing back Jell-O-1-2-3 is less crazy than proving that you’re a super stalker by getting plastic surgery to look like Jennifer Lawrence of all hos.) But it’s her money, her body and if she’s happy and sees Jennifer Lawrence when she looks in the mirror, then good for her. But the only way she’ll really look like Jennifer Lawrence is if Jennifer Lawrence was really Mystique and shapeshifted into Kitty. Because I see Mandy Moore, Kristen Wiig, Backdoor Farrah, a little Drew Barrymore and Kat Dennings, but I don’t see Jennifer Lawrence at all. It’s going to be really awkward when Jennifer Lawrence is asked about this and she’s horrified by the creepiness of it all. If that happens, Kitty can start hating on Jennifer Lawrence and stan for a trick she really looks like, like a Real Housewife of Any City for instance.
Here’s Kitty (and another chick who got surgery to look like Michelle Rodriguez) on ABC News.