As everyone knows, Leah Remini’s memoir is full of beautiful drops of Tom Cruise craziness like how cookie dough is serious business to him, he won’t dare sip his tea from a chipped mug, he is Father of the Millenium and he looks down at John Travolta. (“Oh please, that troll queen couldn’t look down at me even in her highest heels.” – John Travolta) Leah said she felt like Tommy was giving Scientology a bad name by being the crazy mess that. In Tommy’s defense, Scientology gives Scientology a bad name. Katie Holmes released a statement where she apologized to Leah for pissing her off. Scientology also butt burped up a statement where they called Leah a spoiled entitled diva. But Tommy himself has kept his mouth lips shut over everything Leah said about him and he’s probably going to keep it that way.
A source tells UsWeekly that Tommy “freaked out” over Leah trashing him like that. If Tommy had a Joan Crawford-approved meltdown over jank cookie dough, I can only imagine the hissy fit he threw over that SB (Suppressive Bitch) talking shit about him. He probably made his minions dress up like Leah Remini and he read them each until their tears drowned the Thetans on their cheeks. But the source says that you shouldn’t expect Tommy to talk about Leah in public, because he’s not going to do that. He’s going to let his Scientology goons smear her while he erases all traces of her from his life:
“He thinks it’s a major betrayal. Leah is what the church calls a ‘suppressive person,’ so she’s evil in his mind. He wipes the memory of any SP out of his life. He’s letting the Scientology people discredit her.”
You can laugh at Tommy for thinking he can just glamour away the memory of Leah Remini, but don’t underestimate his Scientology powers. Tommy has proven that he can erase anything from his mind. I mean, he’s successfully erased every shred of sanity from his being, so he obviously has the power! So when a reporter asks him about Leah Remini and he says, “I don’t know her,” believe him.
Okay, no, Taylor Swift isn’t in this video, but I’m almost more than sure that the working title for Bad Blood was “Katy Perry Is A Satanic Woman Who Has Led Millions To Hell!”
You may know so-called Christian activist Christine Weick from the hilarious classic comedy “Bottoms Up and the Devil Laughs” and now the 99 Cent Store God Warrior is back to tell Katy Perry’s father that he’s skipping down the highway to Hell with his daughter. Katy Perry’s Christian pastor dad Keith Hudson, who is giving me Elizabeth Taylor from AHS: Hotel glamour in that still above, did an interview with a radio station in Phoenix, Arizona where he called his daughter a “godly child.” Christine Wreck was listening to that interview and it set her off so she went to the radio station and waited for Pastor Keith in the lobby. When Pastor Keith came out, she pounced and said to him, “You’re the daughter of Katy Perry!” (I want that as my ringtone.)
Christine Wreck then went on a not-nearly-as-hot SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-like rant where she rebuked Pastor Keith for not stopping his daughter from leading millions of children to the portals of the underworld with her music. Christine Wreck has condemned her own son to the depths of Hell for listening to Katy Perry’s music. This is like a really, really dark version of your friend’s mom having a serious talk with your mom because a PG-13 movie was shown during your slumber party.
Pastor Keith, who allegedly called Katy Perry a “devil child” during a sermon once, tried to reason with her and told her that she wasn’t acting very Christian-like. But he quickly learned that trying to reason with Christine Weick is like trying to reason with a drunk hyena. She went on and went on and declared Katy Perry’s video for E.T. a work of Satan.
Katy Perry should really hire Christine Wreck as her new publicist, because that mess made the E.T. video sound way more interesting than it is. I mean, Katy Perry has the sex with demons in it? I need to watch it again.
Getting into a fight for custody with Halle Berry is like waltzing with a chainsaw who accuses you of being a racist piece of trash and a shit dad. Olivier Martinez apparently knows this, so he’s not even going to dare to get into the ring with Halle Berry and is going to try to play nice. That is the worst news Halle Berry’s lawyer has ever heard! They’ve been eyeing a vacation home in St. Thomas and hoped they could buy it with the money they’d make from her next never-ending custody craziness. Damn that Olivier Martinez for wanting to be a sane and mature adult!
The all-new The Muppets show debuted last night and around 9 million pairs of eyeballs watched it and that put it above Scream Queens (which was like watching Ryan Murphy reenact Heathers with Barbies) for the night. The new The Muppets show to me was like The Office but with Muppets. Sure it was a little more “adult,” but it’s not like the old show was squeaky clean. I mean, Janice was obviously always high out of her felt mind, Miss Piggy and Kermit were in an abusive relationship and Scooter was obviously a sociopath and serial killer since nobody is that nice for real. But well, the comedy group known as One Million Moms (aka Five Crazies With One Million Burner Email Accounts Between Them) believe that the new Muppets show is tainting the brains of the innocent children!
Before last night’s premiere, the group of conservative moms released a letter begging ABC to not smear the pristine innocence of children with their Muppet filth. They wanted ABC to pull the first episode. Their letter didn’t work obviously. But it did work at making me spit out a stream of LOLs. They are comedy geniuses and their line about Kermit not wearing pants proves that. The letter in all its hilarious entirety is after the cut.
It’s nice to know that Azealia Banks doesn’t only mouth fart up the “faggot” word and bust out massive amounts of crazy on Twitter. Azealia Banks does it in the world outside of Twitter too! At least she’s consistently HER.
Iggy Azalea’s #1 fan (served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) and a sort-of supporter of Donald Trump’s thoughts on immigration (not served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) was on a flight from NYC to LAX early this morning and she gave passengers several servings of her signature messiness when the plane landed. A passenger tells TMZ that after the plane landed at 1 this morning, Azealia was more than ready to get off of that bitch and she grabbed her bag before quickly making her way to the exit. Azealia was in the 6th row and her plan to get off the plane first was blocked by a French couple in the 3rd row. The couple was in the aisle getting their bags from the overhead and when Azealia tried to squeeze by them, the French dude “put his hand out” to block her. That little move switched Azalea’s switch and bitch went off on him in more ways than one.
Let it be known that inhaling massive amounts of baby wipes fumes fucks with your brain and messes you up. Case in point: Terrence Howard’s interview with Rolling Stone.
To promote the second season of Empire, Terrence let Rolling Stone into his Chicago penthouse and he also let the craziness fly. Terrence talked to Rolling Stone’s Erik Hedegaard about everything from his messed up childhood (his dad went to prison for killing a dude while waiting in line to see Santa) to how he got Robert Downey Jr. the Iron Man job (yes, he’s still mouth farting about that) to his history of beating women. Terrence admits to slapping his first wife a couple of times, including in front of their children, and says that he “accidentally” hit his second wife Michelle Ghent. Terrence lives in that Chicago penthouse with his third “wife” Mira Pak and their son. At the time of the interview, Mira paid the rent on the penthouse, because he was battling Michelle in court for a piece of his Empire money, so his checks from Fox were being held for garnishment. Mira and Terrence were also secretly divorced when Rolling Stone came to visit, but they were pretending to be married. That’s not even the weirdest thing about Terrence’s life.
Terrence starts the interview by saying that he took the role of Lucious Lyon on Empire, because everyone already sees him as a douche, so he may as well play one. Terrence is hoping that he’ll make enough money from Empire to retire from acting and move to the suburbs where he’ll spend his days continuing to perfect his own theory of logic called Terryology. We already knew that Terrence Howard is a lady-beating gaping asshole of the tenth degree, but I don’t think any of us knew that he’s a mathematical genius.
BEWARE: If you’re ever in a Manhattan bar and hear a voice say, “We want Taylor Swift songs,” down your drink immediately and bust on out of there, because a hissy fit tantrum cunt show is about to go down.
Gawker says that on Monday morning, the owner of the East Village wine and tapas bar Ballaró, found the words, “WE DO NOT PLAY TAYLOR SWIFT HERE YOU CUNTS GRAZIE,” written in playground chalk on the sidewalk in front of her establishment. (Side note: In my next life, I hope I’m a passive aggressive Italian drag queen named Cunts Grazie.) The bar’s owner Denyse Santoro didn’t need to whistle for Detective La Toya Jackson to solve the case, because she knew who left that charming note. The chalk vandals were in her bar the night before.
Elton John and his 90-year-old mother Sheila Farebrother (that’s a hot last name, by the way) haven’t said a word to each other in over 7 years. Sheila told The Daily Mail a few months ago that Elton stopped talking to her after he demanded that she cut off two of his ex-employees she had become friends with and she refused. Sheila thinks that Elton’s husband David Furnish controls him and is part of the reason why she has no relationship with him. Elton hasn’t completely cut Sheila off. He still pays her bills. Sheila turned 90 back in March and she invited Elton. After he turned down her invitation, she hired an Elton John impersonator to fill the void. That is sadness wrapped in creepiness. (Side note: Please tell me that impersonator had a gig afterward where he had to play Donald Trump and that’s the reason why he’s wearing that dog butt wig.)
We’ve all had to deal with screaming babies or toddlers whose parents don’t try to shush them up. Even though a non-stop crying baby scrapes four layers off of my nerves, I’ve always tried to keep it together and not lose it, because I don’t want to be known as the ice cold cunt who made a kid cry more. (I can’t believe I typed that last part. I don’t know myself anymore.) But well, there’s a diner owner in Maine who doesn’t care and will gladly tell off a crying toddler.
Lynne Russell, who was an anchor on CNN Headline News for 18 years, and her husband Chuck de Caro, who was a special assignments correspondent on CNN in the 80s, were staying at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque, New Mexico when their night turned into some shit out of a Michael Mann movie.
Lynne has a black belt and Chuck used to be a Green Beret, so you know they’re members of the Not The One Club. CNN says that on Tuesday night, Lynne and Check stopped at the Motel 6 during a road trip from DC to California. It was just before midnight when Lynne left their room and went to their car to get something. Lynne noticed a strange dude throwing her looks. As she walked back to her room, the strange dude followed her. When she got to her room, he forced himself in. Chuck was in the shower at the time and when he heard some foolery going on, he walked out naked and wet and found the dude holding a gun to his wife. The Albuquerque Journal says that Chuck and Lynne both tried to reason with the gunman. I’ll pause here as you paint the image of a naked and wet Chuck trying to calm down a robber with a loaded weapon.