Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.
TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.
Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.”
Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”
In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward. Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”
Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.
Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.
Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.
(Photos via Splash)
When Jon Cryer (you know the other other one from Two and a Half Douchebags) and his first wife Sarah Trigger executed their marriage in 2004, a judge gave him full custody of their son, because she was labeled as an unfit mother. Sarah proved the judge right five years later when she was arrested after allegedly choking her son out with a cord. Even though Sarah might’ve committed a felony Joan Crawford on her son, she was given 5% custody and Jon was forced to pay her $8,000 a month in child support. Since then, Sarah has worked her way up to 50% custody and now she wants a 1000% raise! Shameless hos stay shameless.
TMZ says that Sarah, who is kind of giving me “Jennifer Grey after too much electroshock therapy” vibes, is asking a judge to up her child support from $8,000 a month to $88,969 a month. Sarah’s reason is classic. Sarah claims that their 13-year-old is being bullied by rich brats at his fancy private school The Buckley School because he’s practically poorer than poor! All the other kids go on vacations to Europe and Thailand and have their birthday parties at places like Sky High Sports, and he doesn’t. All the kids go to expensive summer camps and he can’t because his mom only gets an $8k check a month. And Sarah had this to say about Bar Mitzvahs:
“Last year there were multiple Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs all with custom invitations, a dress code and huge private receptions afterward.”
Sarah says that because she has 50% custody now and Jon makes $2 million a month, she deserves that $88,969 a month.
None of this makes sense. When those brats make fun of Jon and Sarah’s son for being picked up by his mom in an E-class instead of being picked up by the butler in a Maybach, couldn’t he pull out his iPhone (which is probably an iPhone 5 instead of an iPhone 5s, embarrassing!) and show them that his dad makes $620,000 an episode? If going to Thailand for holiday break is that big of a deal, couldn’t Jon just take him? No, that would still be crazy, because going to Thailand so the kids stop making fun of you is insane!
It’s really hard out there for rich kids. They really need their own #itgetsbetter (aka #thecheckswillgetbigger) campaign. But I can’t fully hate on crazy-eyed Sarah. What’s the point of having a kid with a millionaire TV star if you’re not going to use that kid to get $88,000 a month?
Would you expect anything less from a crazy ass who holds her trophy like it’s a serving platter?
During the Tribute to Dead People (also featuring some Emmy shit) last night, Melissa Leo, who won Guest Actress in a Comedy for Louie, came out to present something and I had to pause to make sure I was looking at this mess correctly. This is some “hit the pause button, take a gulp of something strong, and look at it again” shit. It takes a special brand of “I don’t give one fuck” to put together a bunch of shit that has no business being put together. The only thing she was missing was a top hat and an umbrella, because she looked like Jiminy Cricket’s deranged mom.
This is the look, because Melissa Leo looks like she’s ready to whip at a lion in the circus or serve spirits in copper mugs at a bar in Sleepy Hollow. And she doesn’t care. Johnny Depp has probably worn this ensemble in a Tim Burton movie and I can say with one hundred percent confidence that Melissa Leo definitely wore it better.
35-year-old Robert Hunter of Middlesborough, England (Side note: Is Middlesborough the Florida of England, because when I first read this headline I said, “Oh, Florida” to myself) will spend the next 14 years in a prison cell, because he was convicted of getting underage girls to strip for him after he told them he was Justin Bieber. This is like the illegal dark-sided version of my 19-year-old self meeting “Chad Allen” in an AOL m4m chat room and really believing it was him. Okay, it wasn’t an AOL m4m chat room, it was Grindr. And it wasn’t when I was 19, it was last week.
The BBC (via Radar) says that prosecutors told the court that for years, Robert Hunter met underage kids online and pretended to be Justin Bieber. Robert Hunter told his victims that he, Justin Bieber, would be their boyfriend if they took off their clothes in front of their webcams. He then used those videos of the girls to get underage boys to do the same thing for him. Then he used the videos from boys to lure in more girls. If one of his victims tried to back out, he threatened to expose them on social networks. Prosecutors say that one 12-year-old cut herself after Robert Hunter posted her pictures and phone number on Facebook.
After years of going after kids all over the world, Robert Hunter finally got caught when a girl realized something in the milk was a pedo and called the police.
Robert Hunter pleaded guilty to 15 charges of inciting a child to engage in sexual activity and 14 of making indecent photos.
And as always, The Onion predicted this shit.
Fans of all kinds are yanking and pulling at Beyonce. A couple of months ago, an actual fan grabbed Beyonce’s Malaysian weave and tried to snatch that shit from off of her head. That fan was later put down, dismantled and all of its part were thrown down into the basement with Basement Baby. Basement Baby is now using the fan to grill moth balls on. And then last night at a show in Sao Paulo, a crazed, shirtless Brazilian fan grabbed her and pulled her into the pit of rabid Bumblebeys while she was singing “Irreplaceable.” A look of potent fear and terror covered Beyonce’s face as if somebody just told her that her entire wig crypt (copyright: Fresh) was just destroyed in a fire. Seriously, this looks like a human being swallowed by a mob of zombies.
Before all the crazed Bumblebeys pounced on her and drowned her with their slobber, her bodyguards pulled her out of the pit and she kept on singing. Beyonce’s bodyguards were going to throw the insane body snatcher out of the show, but she stopped them and ten seconds later shook the crazy bitch’s hand. Beyonce shaking that crazy bitch’s hand was her way of giving him his last rites, because I’m sure her bodyguards dragged him out of there and he was later used as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.
Will crazy bitches stop yanking at Beyonce? Is it really that serious? It’s just Beyonce! It’s not like she’s the last Cronut on Earth or a box of America’s rarest and most delicious delicacy Jell-O-1-2-3. I swear, Beyonce’s going to have to get herself a mic that doubles as a taser.
The last time I wrote about Sinead O’Connor’s crazy train wreck of a love life, she was divorcing her husband of about six seconds and she blamed the Irish media for ripping their love apart the same way her b-hole ripped apart while trying to conquer the difficult brown. Sinead said then that she would never get involved with another man, because she didn’t want the Irish media to ruin his ass like they ruined her husband. Well, Sinead obviously couldn’t ignore the twitching in her wrinkled flower, because she went after love again and found it with a dude with the initials B.Q. It was all easy brown rainbows between them until B.Q. did her wrong recently. During her set at Bestival 2013 on the Island of Wright last Friday, Sinead had the initials B.Q. written on her face and she told the audience it was a tattoo she got to remind the dude that he betrayed her. Sinead later wrote the dude’s name on her site and no, I don’t even know…
Brendan Quinlan.. “It’s what it is”.. Un ange passe ; )
There’s a bottle of Agent Provocateur in someone’s room that
Belongs to me.
What in the… I could maybe, maybe see getting a dude’s initials tattooed on you if the dick was next level good. You know, his dick took on and conquered the difficult brown like a champ and as you lie there, you think to yourself that you really want to commemorate the moment by getting dude’s initials tattooed on your cheeks. But you’re not supposed to get his initials tattooed on your face cheeks. You’re supposed to get that shit on your other cheeks.
Only Sinead would punish an asshole who broke her heart by getting his initials tattooed on her face. She could’ve at least tattooed the words “Brendan Quinlan Gave Me Ass Warts” or “Brendan Quinlan Made My Difficult Brown More Difficult” on her face.
It kind of looks like red pen, but getting two scarlet letters tattooed on her face is something Sinead would do. Oh well, I guess you now know that if you ever want your initials inked into Sinead’s face, just piss her ass off.
Pics: Wenn.com (Thanks, Jennifer)
Somebody please give me the number to Child Services and Animal Services in Britain, because somebody needs to report the motherfucker who did that to this child and the tortured animal on his head. And yes, I’m typing this while my own hair looks like a pile of hacked-up fur balls that was dried in an oven, teased with a broken fork and electrocuted, but we’re not talking about me here!
99% of the population in London is temporarily deaf right now, because thousands of Directioners screamed their tonsils off at the premiere of One Direction: This Is Us 3D tonight. The screams obviously scared Harry Styles’ hair, because that thing looks spooked as fuck. It looks traumatized. I don’t even know what’s going on with his hair. The top of his hair wants to be a pompadour, the back wants to be the party section of a mullet and the sides are giving me Dorothy Dandridge. It’s like three different people worked on that shit.
When you look at him from the front, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Zac Efron impersonator!” When you look at him from the back, you think to yourself, “That’s a whack ass Billy Ray Cyrus impersonator!” And when you look at him from the side, you think to yourself, “Bless that Hasidic toddler for trying and failing to grow a pair of majestic side curls.”
And Harry might’ve looked a mess at tonight’s premiere, but at least one of his fans kept it one hundred percent sexy. Presenting…the hottest Directioner of them all!
Work that towel, girl! Just don’t tell us what you do with that towel when the lights go off and the One Direction songs come on.
Yes, Rae Dawn Chong still exists and while she was waiting in line for the extras open call for Sharknado 2, she called into Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour to trash God’s understudy on Earth, Oprah. Rae Dawn Chong gave us all some brand new, never-before-heard information when she said that Oprah nose fucked powerful people in the butt to get to the top. Rae Dawn Chong could’ve stopped there and everybody in the congregation would’ve nodded their heads in agreement, but she just had to keep going. Rae Dawn Chong didn’t just throw shade, bitch turned out the lights on Oprah.
TMZ has the audio (below) of Tommy Chong’s daughter shitting at the mouth about how Oprah was nice to her during The Color Purple, but when she got a role in a movie with “Maria Shriver’s husband,” The Mighty O turned into a mighty “bi-awwww-etch” and didn’t want anything to do with her. RDC got madder and madder and madder and madder and eventually she made Paula Deen’s clit pimple pop and shoot out a geyser of butter when said that Oprah would be a “field nigger” during the slave days:
“If you look at the way [Oprah] looks, she looks like 60 years ago she would have been a house keeper luckily. She would have not been a house nigger she would have been a field nigger.”
WHAT IN THE HELL?! Will somebody please check on the AC window unit in RDC’s Van Nuys apartment to make sure it’s working, because I think the heat got a hold of her brain and melted it. I was nodding my head yes when RDC said that “Oprah is all about Oprah” and “Oprah’s a brown-noser” and then she went there. RDC then says that Oprah was a fat chick who always wanted to be the popular cheerleader. Then RDC went totally crazy when she spewed out a rant filled with cunt-covered back-handed compliments:
“You gotta respect her, no matter how vile she is — ’cause ultimately she’s all about Oprah and she’s boring — but aside from that, you gotta kinda go, ‘Hello, hats off, you have done an amazing thing. You have actually shifted the DNA of the universe.
We have to give her props. … I have to stop and say this woman is a miracle and I respect her and I say kudos to you and I don’t give two cents about the other parts of it. She shifted the DNA in terms of our thinking of a woman of a certain size and a certain shape. I love her for that. I don’t care what she’s about, I don’t care that I know her ins and outs, I just think that she’s done a lot. I love her for that.”
Bitch is all over the place. It’s like she’s sucking Oprah off and punching her in the gut at the same time. RDC obviously got into her daddy’s stash and smoked the wrong kind of kush.
And the beautiful line “Harpo, who dis woman?” has never been more appropriate.
UPDATE: RDC took a break from painting that wall to apologize for using the N-word. RDC meant it as a compliment but regrets using it. Yeah, I don’t know what she’s saying and I don’t think we ever will.
Remember back in the olden days of 2009 when Kanye West was still an asshole and Taylor Swift wasn’t totally pull-your-pubes-out-and-eat-them annoying? Well, Gawker took us back there today when they posted a secret tape of Kanye being Kanye after his “Imma let you finish” moment at the VMAs in 2009. The leaked tape was secretly recorded at the Corner Bistro in the West Village right after the VMAs. It’s not confirmed that it’s Kanye on the tape, but it sounds like Kanye and listening to it made my ears barf out gay fish jizz, so it must be Kanye!
In the tape, that’s under a minute long, Kanye says some shit about Taylor Swift, MTV, Pink and then says that his mother died for this fame shit. It’s a mess, it’s all over the place and it’s typical Kanye. Kanye starts off by talking about why he snatched the mic from Taylor of Green Gables:
“I’m pushing the envelope! I wrote my fuckin’ ‘Run This Town’ verse for a fuckin’ month! When I heard Eminem’s verse on the Drake shit, I went back and rewrote my shit for two days. I canceled appointments to rewrite! I fuckin’ care! You know what I’m saying? And that’s what I’m saying. Because I did that, Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyoncé! Because I wrote my verse in two days, Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé. As long as I’m alive! And if I’m alive, kill me then! Kill me then! As long as I’m alive, you gon’ have to deal with it. ‘Cause there ain’t gonna be no more motherfucking Elvises with no James Browns.”
He canceled dentist appointments for that shit! Taylor Swift cannot win over Beyonce, because he has cavities now since he canceled appointments and dental cleanings and shit.
And then he went in on Pink in the most hilarious way:
“It ain’t no love. What the fuck was Pink performing? Don’t nobody know that song. Pink performed twice! Two songs? How the fuck Pink perform two songs and I didn’t even get asked to perform “Heartless.” “Heartless” is the biggest song of the year! It had the most spins of the first quarter! I don’t know that Pink song! But I noticed that she’s pink! “
That last line should be the official tagline of cocaine. I want to cackle while pounding my head against a hard surface.
During the recording, a woman asked him why he’s so angry and he said, “Because my mother got arrested for the fuckin’ sit-ins. My mother died for this fame shit! I moved to fuckin’ Hollywood chasing this shit. My mother died because of this shit. Fuck MTV.”
I don’t even know. The audio is at Gawker and it’s a crazy, manic, mess. If you inhale hard while listening to it, you’ll get second-hand coke high. This Kanye’s ego on coke and massive amounts of delusion.
The Beliebers probably think that they are the champions of causing chaos whenever they’re in the presence of their Canadian Fetus Jesus, but new challengers have arrived and snatched the title away from them. Thousands of people showed up to Shanghai University to see David Beckham in a demonstration match with the school’s soccer team and when the gate to the stadium opened, they went crazy and trampled all over each other. I guess nobody told them that the year is not 2002 and Becks showed up fully clothed.
They lost it like they were in the audience of Oprah’s Favorite Things and Oprah announced that her favorite things are Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda, Prince Hot Ginge’s pubes, a case of Jell-O 1-2-3, a vial full of Alexis Carrington’s bathwater and the lost final episode of Footballers Wives. If they were wearing KKK hoodies, I’d guess that it was a Klan meeting and Paula Deen was just announced as the special guest speaker. It’s like they’re doing a dramatization of the entire Internet seconds after everyone found out that Kim and Kanye really did name their baby North West.
In North Korea today, Kim Jong-un is showing this clip to his people to teach them how to greet him from now on. If someone isn’t almost getting trampled to death while saying “hello” to him, it’s not good enough.
The Telegraph says that several people were injured and 5 people had to go to the hospital. 5 people going to the hospital over trying to see Becks in the year 2013 is a sad thing, but something good did come out of it. Somebody did lose their Crocs during all of the insanity (at the 0:59 mark). Whenever a pair of Crocs gets abandoned on the street and is destined to live the rest of its life as a toilet for pigeons, the world is an inch closer to becoming a better place.