You know, not too long ago we all gathered around the television screen and laughed at Charlie Sheen (which I didn’t intend to rhyme, but now it’s my favorite poem ever!) as he spoke about his slew of #WINNING, his brokedown goddesses and possession of “tiger’s blood”. Well, those were much simpler times before Charlie became a certified nutcase and shimmied his way into infamy by acting like our favorite neighborhood crackhead. Take for instance the newest allegation being brought from one of his former fuck buddies.
Lawyers Are Trying To Move Nick Loeb And Sofia Vergara’s Frozen Embryos To The Embryo Safe Haven Of Louisiana
The fucked-up fight between Nick Loeb and his ex Sofia Vergara over their two frozen embryos may go on the road and move from California to Louisiana. Great, you know some coked-up Hollywood executive is going to read this story and get ideas about a zany CGI road trip comedy about two frozen embryos driving across the country to escape death. Strangely enough, Sofia will probably be offered the role of one of the frozen embryos.
It’s been a quick minute since I posted about the legal fight for Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos, so let’s catch up real quick. When Nick and Sofia were together, they embryos and those embryos were frozen. But then they broke up, and Sofia went on to screw her now-husband Joe ManJello and Nick went on try to screw her in court. Nick sued for custody of the frozen embryos and he mouth shit out a diarrhea stream of bullshit about how he’s pro-life and just can’t leave his “children” in a freezer. Nick cried that he’s always wanted to be a father. Sofia doesn’t want that and wants the embryos to remain frozen forever.
Since then, Sofia’s legal team put on their rubber gloves and decided to get as messy as Nick has. Sofia demanded that Nick publicly give up the names of the two ex-girlfriends who had abortions around 20 years ago. Sofia’s lawyers wanted to depose the women and question them about Nick’s past sex life and abortion beliefs. A judge in California sided with Sofia. Nick refused to spit up those names and Page Six says that instead of naming his exes, he dropped his lawsuit against Sofia in California on Tuesday. But it’s far from over and in fact, this shit has climbed to a level of fuckery I didn’t think existed. Sofia and Nick’s embryos are suing her. I see that 2016 still has a napkin tied around its neck, because it’s obviously not done with eating us alive.
I didn’t get to see the first part of Leah Remini’s takedown of Scientology on A&E last night, because I was busy catching up on the intellectual docuseries that chronicles the genuine trials and tribulations of real women in the south (aka The Real Housewives of Atlanta). It’s in my DVR and I want to watch it, but I have a feeling it just confirms what many of us have known for a long time: Scientology is as evil and deceitful as the filler air in a new bag of potato chips.
To promote her A&E docuseries, Leah did a really damn interesting Reddit AMA yesterday and unlike her old cult, she kept is 100% real. Leah said that Little Lord David Miscavige definitely knows that Scientology is a scam, she doesn’t really know what happened to Shelly Miscavige (she added “Ask the LAPD“), sexual abuse definitely exists in the cult and that Tom Cruise is their Jesus!
The asshole black sheep of the Tyco Quints, Justin Bieber, is taking his Purpose tour to the Sambadrome in Rio de Janeiro next March (as in March 2017), and a handful of Brazilian Beliebers are already camping out. They’re not camping out for tickets, they already have those. Since the tickets aren’t numbered, the first ones in get the best spots, so they’re waiting in line FIVE FUCKING MONTHS in advance. If on December 25th, you start to feel sorry for yourself because you’re spending the holiday with nothing but a box of wine and porn (that sounds like a dream, actually), don’t! Make yourself feel better by telling yourself that in Rio, a Belieber is spending their Christmas lying on the sidewalk while waiting to see the maple syrup-covered piece of tampon lint in concert.
Since it seems like I’m on the “rich dudes saying dumb shit to The Cut” beat, here’s a post about Tom Brady saying dumb shit to The Cut. Just like plastic-straw-hater Adrian Grenier, Gisele Bundchen’s man is so not into something that’s got the word “straw” in its name. Two things: Yes, this IS news. And yes, Tom Brady’s feelings about strawberries is one of the most interesting things he’s ever said in an interview.