Shades of Jennifer Lawrence’s mob of crazy fans were painted outside of The Daily Show in NYC last night when autograph seekers and Brangeloonies lost their minds over being close to Dame St. Angie Jolie. It’s like they were Black Friday shoppers and she was a 20% flat-screen TV.
If you really want your ear holes to be stabbed with the sound of paps and Brangeloonies screaming for their idol, click here to see and hear the video. Jesus has postponed his second coming, because he know he won’t ever get a reaction like that and that would be really embarrassing for him. St. Angie’s four bodyguards tried to keep the craziness back, but at one point the craziness got event crazier and one of her fans complained about having a panic attack. TMZ says that St. Angie heard her loyal subject’s cries of panic and commanded her bodyguards to save the woman. Once the disciple in a wolf hat was pulled to safety, St. Angie soothed her nerves, signed an autograph and took a selfie with her. The woman in the wolf hat was later heard telling her friends, “Now I know how Peter felt when Jesus saved him!”
I know most of you shameless hussy whores don’t go to church, but if you do go to church this weekend for some reason and wonder why all the bibles are missing from the pew pockets, there’s a good explanation. Every bible from every church has been removed and will be put back once this story of St. Angie’s tale of saintly selflessness is added to it.
Before St. Angie rescued one of her fans from the pits of crazy, she sat down with Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart, who was in Playing By Heart with her, pretty much revealed himself as the captain of the Manhattan chapter of Brangeloonies by slobbering out words of praise about her and flirting with her hard. Jon ended their interview by saying, “I gotta tell you from the moment I met you, it’s got to be 20 years ago, [I said to myself] ‘This person has talent coming out of all different areas.‘” St. Angie just giggled and batted her eyes at him.
Well, there goes Jon Stewart’s marriage of 14 years. St. Angie can wreck a home just with the bat of an eye. That legendary home wrecker.
Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair
It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.
TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.
Seen above clinging on to Benedict Cumberbatch as they shield themselves from the pussy nectar geysers shooting out of the Cumberbitches at the London premiere of The Imitation Game early last month, Keira Knightley was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night and the subject of B. Cums’ insane fans came up. There’s no need for the original KK to join the Cumberbitch Protection Program, yet, because yeah, she called them scary, but she did it with ~love~.
KK worked with B. Cums in 2008 while shooting Atonement and that was long before he became the Alien Lizard God of Tumblr, so Seth said that she’s seen the evolution of the Cumberbitches. KK gently tiptoed into the subject by saying they’re “terrifying” yet “lovely.” I see KK adding a little British flavor to “oh honey, bless your heart.” The anti-Photoshop activist also told a story about how the Cumberbitches told her to move along.
“It’s terrifying. I mean, they’re lovely. I feel terrified saying they’re terrifying cause they might come after me. So… yes, it’s amazing! They’re very artistic! They paint pictures of him. You go to premieres and there’s these amazing paintings of Ben looking Ben-like… [They're] a very hysterical, artistic type.
I actually had a really embarrassing moment at the London premiere, because — they really do — they scream more than I’ve ever heard for anyone else, but I had a publicist with me and she went, ‘You know, go sign some autographs.’ I went over there and went ‘Oh yeah, of course, of course, no problem!’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, we don’t want you. We’re just here for Ben.’”
Terrifying, hysterical and artistic types… That should be Tumblr’s new tagline! From what I’ve seen, the Cumberbitches don’t seem to be as batshit as some of the other “fandoms,” but I’m still surprised that they shooed KK away the same way Kim Kardashian’s brain shoos away all reasonable thoughts. I mean, KK played B.Cums’ beard in the movie, so I’m assuming they had at least one kissing scene. Since her lips have touched B. Cums’ lips, I’m surprised the Cumberbitches didn’t ask to mate with her mouth or try to rip her mouth skin off.
Here’s the clip of KK talking about the Cumberbitches. Toward the end of the clip, she tells a little story about how her mom, playwright Sharman Macdonald, thinks Breaking Bad is a comedy:
So, KK’s mom sits there laughing while watching bodies melt from acid? I’d call that terrifying and lovel- No, I’d just call that terrifying.
Here’s a maybe pregnant KK leaving a NYC hotel while dressed like a rich hobo farmer.
Ever since FKA Twigs, the British singer with seal-shaped brows, has been seen with Robert Pattinson, the Robsten crazies have screamed, “PHOTOSHOP!” and other dumb shit. FKA Twigs tells USA Today that because of the Twitter hate, she had to curb the twatting a bit, but doing the splits on RPattz’s sparkly hobo dick is worth all the rage the Twihards throw at her. This is the reason why the Cult of RobstenIsUnbroken is outside punching twigs in trees while screaming pieces of their lungs out.
…after all, she says, she has no control over the online venom of “14-year-old kids that should be in bed” — but she still finds the constant attention difficult.
“I really enjoy the fun of putting something out and people liking it or hating it or talking about it, but vacuous attention, it feels disgusting. It’s like a hangover,” she says. “It’s weird, I know that’s not really because of me or what I’m doing, ” but nevertheless, “the positivity that I get from (my relationship) makes the more challenging aspects … very worth it.”
Because my life is sad, I’ve spent some nights drunkenly trolling through #Robsten on Twitter and I’ve found that a lot of those crazies aren’t 14. They’re grown mothers who spend their time wallpapering their basement walls with pictures of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson because that’s not at all crazy. I see you looking at me like, “Who are you to talk, bitch. We all know you’ve almost broken your neck from spending hours pasting pictures of a half-naked Prince Hot Ging on your ceiling.” We’re not talking about me!
Nearly every pap picture I’ve seen of FKA Twigs, she’s got her mouth open and I hope that’s because she’s breathing in the delicious smoke fumes coming out of the ears of the Robsten fangirls when they see pictures of her holding hands with Kristen Stewart’s secret husband and baby father. FKA Twigs needs to really drive those crazies to the edge by walking around with a bottle of pussy lube called “Twihard Tears” and once RPattz’s hair grows over that hideous hairy skid mark, she should make him shave “#TwattIsUnbroken” into his head.
I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy (I know I should because Peg Bundy + Charlie Hunnam’s nalgas), but apparently the beginning last week’s episode was a real fuck fest. Entertainment Weekly says that the episode opened with a three minute-long sex montage that showed six couples going at it and one chick going at it with herself. Oh, it also had a serving of Charlie Hunnam’s butt. Sons of Anarchy comes on screens at 10pm and they throw up a TV-MA warning before the show and after every commercial break. So the eyes of innocent children are warned. But of course, those hysterical, pearl clutchers at the Parents Television Council are outraged and appalled. They can’t believe that a network that gives us all that hot, beautiful fuck time goodness is in the same cable package as the Disney Channel. PTC’s president, Tim Winter, thinks FX needs to move out of basic cable and join those filthy fuck merchants on premium cable. Tim Winter spit out this stream of laugh juice:
“It’s official: In order to watch cable news, ESPN, Disney or the History Channel, every family in America must now also pay for pornography on FX. Last week’s episode of Sons of Anarchy opened with the most sexually explicit content we’ve ever seen on basic cable, content normally found on premium subscription networks like HBO or Showtime … If FX wants to be like HBO and air this kind of explicit content, then they should become a premium network … Families should not be forced to underwrite pornography. Cable Choice is a solution whose time has come, and there could hardly be a better example of it than this.”
Porn, really? Those PTC hos know the difference between fake cable sex and porn. Porn is the stuff they shame fap to on their iPads in the bathroom while the shower is on, towels are covering the mirrors and nobody’s in the house. FX didn’t have a comment about this, because why waste their keystrokes?
Like I said, I don’t watch SoA, but I do watch The Bridge (RIP) and American Horror Story and they get violent as hell. They cut each other open and crap. Why isn’t the PTC screaming about that? The PTC really needs to stop spitting out their rage letters and start learning how to block the dark-sided channels on their TVs. The public shouldn’t be deprived of Charlie Hunnam’s ass because those dumb ass parents aren’t parenting.
On the other hand…
If the PTC never released that ridiculous, stupid letter, I might not even know about SoA’s great big sex montage. But because their letter was picked up by everyone, I see Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass all over the place. So thank you for that, PTC. Thank you. You’re still crazy, but you did good work this time.
And after the cut is Charlie Hunnam’s ass in motion. I know, I really should’ve put it up top to save your eyes from scanning all those words.
So this is what Ariana Grande Latte was talking about when she wished death upon her fans.
Ariana Grande Latte, the sister of social media mogul Frankie Grande Latte and the come-to-life Ever After High doll, went to the cops recently because a creepy fan won’t stop sending her all sorts of random gifts. The gifts have been coming from 29-year-old Tim Normandin of Lowell, MA. TMZ says that the cops in Lowell knocked on Tim’s door this weekend and told him that he’ll be hit with criminal harassment charges if he doesn’t stop sending Ariana gifts. The crazy is running all through Tim’s veins, because he told the cops that he doesn’t care and he’ll keep sending presents to her record label with her name on them. Somewhere, wannabe serial killer Ariana Grande is watching Dexter and taking notes.
TMZ posted some of things that Tim sent Ariana including a 42-pound pumpkin, because sending her a season squash that weights twice as much as her isn’t weird at all.
42.5 pound pumpkin
8 Yankee candles
Dog and cat calendars
3-piece mirror set from Kmart
$200 anklet from Kay Jewelers
Rock from the White Mountains of New Hampshire
1. I kind of wish that instead of sending her Yankee Candles, Tim sent her a three-wick Winter Candy Apple candle and a three-wick Iced Gingerbread candle from the Bath & Body Works in Appleton so that Angela would release her wrath on him.
2. For being her biggest and most deranged fan, Tim doesn’t know Ariana Grande Latte that well. She’s obviously a total cat person. Those Party City pussy ears on her head tell you that.
3. You really learn something new every single day and today I learned that they sell $200 anklets at Kay Jewelers. Every restraining order begins with Kay, I guess.
4. This problem can easily be solved. Ariana’s record label should just forward all of Tim’s gifts to my PO Box, because I really want a dog calendar and a $200 anklet from Kay.
If your ear holes are dribbling out bleach today, then I’m guessing that over the weekend you soaked your head in a bath tub full of Oxi-Magic Clorox after keeping up with the fight between Lena Dunham (seen above looking like Slimer shit on her head at a book signing in London) and book reviewer Kevin D. Williamson.
Last week, the right-wing website Truth Revolt threw up excerpts from Lena Dunham’s book of personal essays, Not That Kind Of Girl, where she writes about how opened her 1-year-old sister’s vagina when she was 7 years old and found pebbles in there, among other beyond TMI stories. In his review for the conservative-leaning site, The National Review, Kevin accused Lena of “sexually abusing” her little sister Grace. Um, yeah, I’m going to place my order for a Team Fucking Absolutely No One t-shirt. You want one too?
If you’ve been wondering if Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the pieces of bat shit wrapped in reality show gold from Kitchen Nightmares, have been forcibly institutionalized yet, TMZ answered your question yesterday. Amy’s Baking Company is still open, Samy still hasn’t been deported and they’re still injecting thirty gallons of crazy into Scottsdale, Arizona.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a video of Samy serving a giant plate of insanity while going after a customer with either a knife or a pen. The dude who took the video tells TMZ that a drunk dude was eating at Amy’s Baking Company in Scottsdale and Samy got mad (because that’s what Samy does) and kicked the drunk dude out. The alleged drunk dude left, but Samy still had a whole lot more crazy to give and so he chased the customer out while wielding a knife. Amy and Samy tell TMZ it was a pen, not a knife. Does it really matter? A true crazy bitch can turn anything into a dangerous weapon. Samy also tells TMZ that the drunk dude was falling down and causing a scene and became even messier when he was told to leave.
As Samy threatened to kill the drunk dude, Amy made Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny.. look like the portrait of restrained sanity by screaming like a rabid hyena while trying to hold her partner in lunacy back. Dear Amy and Samy’s cat sons, this is your mom and dad and if you get the urge to go down to the Department of Mental Health to take out the Arizona equivalent of a 5150 on them, I’ll gladly call you an Uber.
CBS5 Arizona says that Scottsdale police showed up at around 5pm. The drunk customer was gone by then. The cops didn’t arrest anybody, but charges may be filed once (and if) they track down the drunk dude and interview him.
Amy and Samy are legitimately ten layers of crazy on top of forty layers of insane, but that video feels very staged and choreographed. Why would a customer leave after Samy yelled at him? Isn’t that the reason why you go to Amy’s Baking Company in the first place? You don’t go for the food. You go for the psychotic theatrics! If I went to Amy’s Baking Company and Samy didn’t threaten to kill me and Amy didn’t call me a piece of trash whose mouth doesn’t deserve to touch her gourmet creations, I’d write this Yelp review: “If I could give them zero stars I would. Samy didn’t scream into my face and Amy didn’t call me ‘ugly trash’ in cat talk. Will never go back!“
That photo was obviously a silent cry for help. At first, it looks like Casey Kasem’s glazed in the eyes, because that Amazonian she-hulk is squeezing him so tight that he’s losing consciousness. But now that I look at it, it’s obvious that the look in his eye says, “Save me from this crazy bitch who will one day drag my dead body all over the world.”
When we last left the bitch tower of craziness that is Jean Kasem, she was out of the country and Casey’s family was trying to track her down because his body was missing. At the time, Jean Kasem was believed to be in Israel, because she’s a humanitarian and figured that if she went to the Middle East, the Israelis and the Palestinians would stop fighting each other and join forces to get her out. Well, Jean Kasem has turned up and so has Casey’s body. Casey’s body has been in Montreal for weeks, but now Jean’s trying to move it to Oslo, Norway, because she’s insane or because she’s really trying to rack up those frequent flier miles.
Jean pulled Casey’s body out a funeral home after his death in June and flew him all the way to Canada. Santa Monica PD is investigating Jean for elder abuse and they ordered an autopsy on the body, but that hasn’t been done yet, because his body is nowhere near L.A. TMZ says that Jean is planning on taking Casey’s body to Oslo and his kids are trying to stop that from happening. If Jean gets Casey’s body to Europe, an autopsy might never be done and the Santa Monica PD might have to drop their case against her due to insufficient evidence.
I’m sure they test for antifreeze poisoning in Canada, so can’t they just do the autopsy there? Better yet, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo and the gang need to stop playing around and drive the Mystery Machine to Canada to get Shaggy’s body. While they’re there, they should leave a trail of bologna slices and exquisite 90s headbands from Jean’s lair to their van so they can trap her ass.
This Weekend at Casey’s foolery needs to end. But then again, I wouldn’t be too mad if the Today show got rid of that shitty “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” segment and replaced it with “Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s Body?“
Mario Diaz of PIX 11 was reporting from Midtown in Manhattan about Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and it would’ve been a perfect moment if Shia appeared and tried to take Mario down with his old timey cartoon boxing moves while wearing his hot corduroy leggings. But the next best thing happen. A wild-eyed, happy-faced Erykah Badu slid into the shot while wearing Twinkie the Kid’s signature hat and looking like she just swallowed a Snoop Dogg fart. She looked stoned into another dimension. Erykah floated on by like a cracked-out Pac-Man ghost and she tried to give Mario a little kiss. But because Mario is a reporter in NYC and is probably used to street trolls trying to screw with him at work, he pushed her away and kept going. Mario didn’t know that he pushed away Erykah Badu, but his wife was watching from a few feet away and knew his ass just got Badu’d.
Mario twatted this afterward:
@fatbellybella I get it because… "Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your….. kiss"
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
@fatbellybella After she figured out what really happened she laughed and said, "Great taste." Next time I won't do the NYC push back.
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
Erykah Badu should stick to whatever strain of weed she smoked before she tried to kiss bomb Mario, because it’s doing good things to her. It’s so much better than whatever strain of weed she smoked before her crazy ass said that “racist gays” were the only ones criticizing her for performing for a dictator. And well, if you’re going to get trolled at work, you might as well get trolled by a stoned Erykah Badu wearing Farrah Abraham’s butt plug on her head.