Traditional sluts who still used Craigslist’s casual encounters section are pouring out a bottle of Wet Platinum lube today over the loss of a classic ho shit tool. Craigslist has closed the sticky, greasy doors of their personals section (which includes casual encounters and missed connections) after U.S. Congress passed an anti-sex trafficking law to make it easier for victims of sex trafficking and prosecutors to sue and go after sites for posting ads from sex traffickers. While the bill was presented as a way to fight sex trafficking, it’s messing with sex workers and other people just looking to bone another consenting adult. You all better collect possible fuck pieces on Grindr, Scruff, Tinder and AdultFriendFinder before they’re next!
And on the next episode of the Scientology Network’s CSI (Church of Scientology Investigation): Clearwater, Detective Tommy Girl continues to investigate the threats against his precious church. “So the question becomes, Detective Johnny T, does ice cream make you gay…” *puts on sunglasses* “Or do gays make ice cream?”
Move over Comedy Central, because there’s a new hilarious comedy channel coming up on the scene. Your DirecTV DVR, Roku or Apple TV device will soon start to reek of lukewarm bullshit and burnt Thetans (which strangely enough, smell exactly like lukewarm bullshit), because The Hollywood Reporter says that Scientology has finally delivered a gift to the zero of you who have thought, “I really love all of these Scientology commercials and wish there was an entire network filled with them!” Xenu TV, the Scientology Network, will makes it debut on streaming services and DirecTV tonight. So if want to give Scientology some hits, and also want a reason to heave up your lungs tonight, you know what to watch.
You know, not too long ago we all gathered around the television screen and laughed at Charlie Sheen (which I didn’t intend to rhyme, but now it’s my favorite poem ever!) as he spoke about his slew of #WINNING, his brokedown goddesses and possession of “tiger’s blood”. Well, those were much simpler times before Charlie became a certified nutcase and shimmied his way into infamy by acting like our favorite neighborhood crackhead. Take for instance the newest allegation being brought from one of his former fuck buddies.
Lawyers Are Trying To Move Nick Loeb And Sofia Vergara’s Frozen Embryos To The Embryo Safe Haven Of Louisiana
The fucked-up fight between Nick Loeb and his ex Sofia Vergara over their two frozen embryos may go on the road and move from California to Louisiana. Great, you know some coked-up Hollywood executive is going to read this story and get ideas about a zany CGI road trip comedy about two frozen embryos driving across the country to escape death. Strangely enough, Sofia will probably be offered the role of one of the frozen embryos.
It’s been a quick minute since I posted about the legal fight for Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos, so let’s catch up real quick. When Nick and Sofia were together, they embryos and those embryos were frozen. But then they broke up, and Sofia went on to screw her now-husband Joe ManJello and Nick went on try to screw her in court. Nick sued for custody of the frozen embryos and he mouth shit out a diarrhea stream of bullshit about how he’s pro-life and just can’t leave his “children” in a freezer. Nick cried that he’s always wanted to be a father. Sofia doesn’t want that and wants the embryos to remain frozen forever.
Since then, Sofia’s legal team put on their rubber gloves and decided to get as messy as Nick has. Sofia demanded that Nick publicly give up the names of the two ex-girlfriends who had abortions around 20 years ago. Sofia’s lawyers wanted to depose the women and question them about Nick’s past sex life and abortion beliefs. A judge in California sided with Sofia. Nick refused to spit up those names and Page Six says that instead of naming his exes, he dropped his lawsuit against Sofia in California on Tuesday. But it’s far from over and in fact, this shit has climbed to a level of fuckery I didn’t think existed. Sofia and Nick’s embryos are suing her. I see that 2016 still has a napkin tied around its neck, because it’s obviously not done with eating us alive.
I didn’t get to see the first part of Leah Remini’s takedown of Scientology on A&E last night, because I was busy catching up on the intellectual docuseries that chronicles the genuine trials and tribulations of real women in the south (aka The Real Housewives of Atlanta). It’s in my DVR and I want to watch it, but I have a feeling it just confirms what many of us have known for a long time: Scientology is as evil and deceitful as the filler air in a new bag of potato chips.
To promote her A&E docuseries, Leah did a really damn interesting Reddit AMA yesterday and unlike her old cult, she kept is 100% real. Leah said that Little Lord David Miscavige definitely knows that Scientology is a scam, she doesn’t really know what happened to Shelly Miscavige (she added “Ask the LAPD“), sexual abuse definitely exists in the cult and that Tom Cruise is their Jesus!