If you’re like 99.99999999% of the internet, then you’re probably not seeing this because for the past two hours or so, you have been nervously chewing on your finger skin while watching a live feed of a hot Emile Hirsch look-alike using suction cups and a harness to climb Trump Tower in Manhattan. (The other 0.0000001% of the internet are doing something called “work.”) I know, cupping is officially back.
No, the Trump Tower climber is not a grown Balloon Boy trying to get attention AGAIN. Some guy from Virginia named Steven is the one who’s sucking on Donald Trump’s tower. (Yes, I hate myself for typing that.) The cops have been breaking windows to try to nab his ass. The news is saying that they heard that Steve is doing it for (wait for it…. wait for it…) attention, specifically attention from Trump. If he wanted Trump’s attention, there was an easier to do it. He should’ve just put on a baby bonnet and cried at one of Trump’s rallies.
At this very moment, Jared Leto is swallowing down a bottle of Propecia to grow his hair out and is ordering giant suction cups on Amazon, because he’s going to be ready when the inevitable Trump Tower Climber movie starts casting. But joke’s on Jared, because Daniel Day-Lewis has already grown his hair out and climbed TWO towers.
And yes, yes, I would.
UPDATE: The cops caught Suction Cup Steve and he apparently endorsed Donald Trump in a video that will haunt every inch of my nightmares tonight.
I no longer think that Coldplay is about as edgy as a popped polo shirt collar on a suburban dad driving a bright green Camaro, because some hardcore shit went down at one of their shows over the weekend. It was more rock & roll than the time Chris Martin accidentally said a curse word during a backstage pep talk.
Coldplay played a show for SiriusXM at a bar called The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons on Sunday and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest and famous tricks like Karlie Kloss, Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and professional shit stirrer/diet booze mogul Bethenny Frankel of The Real Drunk Mess of New York City. Since the Botoxed praying mantis seems to live her life like Bravo’s cameras are always on her, she caused a scene and committed a criminal act when she wasted the sweet nectar by throwing a cocktail at some chicks who annoyed her. That’s what Page Six says anyway.
It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.
LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.
And yes, I’m as good at Photoshop as Melania Trump is at delivering an original speech.
Why do I have a feeling that yesterday afternoon, Taylor Swift sent an untraceable e-mail to her secret friend Melania Trump, telling her down low squad member that she wrote a passionate speech that is perfect for the Republican National Convention. Tay Tay sent the Slovenian jewel a plagiarized speech, because she knew that the media would pounce all over that and temporarily forget about the Kimye disaster. That mega demonic Nellie Olesen will destroy anyone to protect her image!
Taylor Swift has a lot of titles like gazillionaire pop star, sole recipient of the Taylor Swift Award, self-proclaimed lightning rod for slut-shaming, leader of a squad of mostly skinny models and Dream Phone grand champion (I’m guessing), but there’s one title she probably isn’t happy about. Taylor is apparently worshipped as an Aryan goddess by a group of neo-Nazis on the Internet. One minute you’re the target of a Hitler quotes meme and posing next to a dude with a swastika on his shirt, and the next minute you’re the Aphrodite of white supremacy.
As most of us know, David Miscavige is the evil ruler of Scientology who has shown his brainwashed subjects that what he lacks in physical height, he makes up for in ruthlessness. Dear Wendi Deng, before you get the clit tingles for David Miscavige, you should know that yes, he’s a real-life Bond villain, but he’s nowhere close to being a billionaire. You can go ahead and cross Little Lord Davey off of your list of dream men. Besides, I doubt you want to suddenly “go missing.”
David Miscavige’s estranged father, Ron Miscavige, a former Scientologist who got into the Alien Cult of L. Ron Hubbard in the 1960s, has a tell-all book coming next month, and a ho ain’t happy about it. The ho being Ron’s son, of course. Ron book’s Ruthless: Scientology, My Son David Miscavige, And Me is about how he introduced David to Scientology and watched his son go from a cute, little happy boy to a diabolical and manipulative dictator who lives in opulence as some of the cult’s followers wallow in grossness at Gold Base. David is going to be on 20/20 this Friday to talk about his book, which comes out on May 3rd. And Scientology’s lawyers are trying to stop it from seeing the light of public eyes.