It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.
LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.
And yes, I’m as good at Photoshop as Melania Trump is at delivering an original speech.
Why do I have a feeling that yesterday afternoon, Taylor Swift sent an untraceable e-mail to her secret friend Melania Trump, telling her down low squad member that she wrote a passionate speech that is perfect for the Republican National Convention. Tay Tay sent the Slovenian jewel a plagiarized speech, because she knew that the media would pounce all over that and temporarily forget about the Kimye disaster. That mega demonic Nellie Olesen will destroy anyone to protect her image!
Taylor Swift has a lot of titles like gazillionaire pop star, sole recipient of the Taylor Swift Award, self-proclaimed lightning rod for slut-shaming, leader of a squad of mostly skinny models and Dream Phone grand champion (I’m guessing), but there’s one title she probably isn’t happy about. Taylor is apparently worshipped as an Aryan goddess by a group of neo-Nazis on the Internet. One minute you’re the target of a Hitler quotes meme and posing next to a dude with a swastika on his shirt, and the next minute you’re the Aphrodite of white supremacy.
As most of us know, David Miscavige is the evil ruler of Scientology who has shown his brainwashed subjects that what he lacks in physical height, he makes up for in ruthlessness. Dear Wendi Deng, before you get the clit tingles for David Miscavige, you should know that yes, he’s a real-life Bond villain, but he’s nowhere close to being a billionaire. You can go ahead and cross Little Lord Davey off of your list of dream men. Besides, I doubt you want to suddenly “go missing.”
David Miscavige’s estranged father, Ron Miscavige, a former Scientologist who got into the Alien Cult of L. Ron Hubbard in the 1960s, has a tell-all book coming next month, and a ho ain’t happy about it. The ho being Ron’s son, of course. Ron book’s Ruthless: Scientology, My Son David Miscavige, And Me is about how he introduced David to Scientology and watched his son go from a cute, little happy boy to a diabolical and manipulative dictator who lives in opulence as some of the cult’s followers wallow in grossness at Gold Base. David is going to be on 20/20 this Friday to talk about his book, which comes out on May 3rd. And Scientology’s lawyers are trying to stop it from seeing the light of public eyes.
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
We’re barely into the second month of 2016, but already there’s been enough crazy shit that has happened in Taryn Manning’s personal life to technically classify it as a WTF-filled year. Back in January, a makeup artist named Holly Hartman filed a restraining order against Mimi from Crossroads and accused Taryn of getting all kinds of violent with her, like spraying Windex in her eyes. Now we’re into February, and Taryn’s lawyer is once again reaching for the bottle of extra-strength Motrin on his desk.
According to Page Six, Taryn has decided to sue New York City for $10 million over an arrest from 2014. According to the lawsuit, which I assume was served by Taryn herself to the Statue of Liberty while screaming “Tell your boss I want my money, you big green bitch!“, Taryn claims she was falsely arrested in NYC back in November 2014. Taryn was arrested after a judge determined she had violated a restraining order against her friend-turned-alleged-stalker Jeanine Heller by threatening to kill her via text and Twitter.
However, it might have been an arrest that wasn’t really supposed to happen. The DA decided not to prosecute Taryn and the arrest was voided. But according to Taryn’s lawsuit, she was still put through all the motions of an arrest. Taryn was still put in handcuffs, processed, and placed in a holding cell. The lawsuit claims Taryn was made to wait hours for a formal letter saying the DA wasn’t going to prosecute before she was released back into the wild.
Taryn also alleges that NYC police leaked details of her arrest to the media. She’s seeking $10 million for damages, which include “attorney’s fees, hours of detention, emotional distress and reputational harm.” When asked for comment, Taryn’s reputation took a long drag off a Newport before shrugging and grunting out a hoarse “Eh, if she thinks that’s what’s gonna fix it, then sure – whatever floats ya boat, honey.”
UPDATE: And now we have Taryn’s first closed case of 2016. TMZ says Taryn’s alleged Windex victim Holly Hartman didn’t show up for court today, so the judge threw her request for a restraining order out.
Back in November 2014, Taryn Manning got into some trouble when she allegedly violated a restraining order that her friend turned stalker Jeanine Heller had out against her. Well, it turns out that Taryn Manning’s Jerry Springer episode meets Melrose Place episode of a life is still Taryn Manning along.
TMZ says that makeup artist Holly Hartman filed a restraining order against Taryn for allegedly bringing a beat down on her several times. Holly claims that the last time Taryn went crazy on her was back in November 2015. They were in Taryn’s apartment in NYC when Pennsyltucky allegedly headbutted her in the face, whipped her with a wet towel, put her in a headlock and sprayed Windex in her eyes and mouth. In Taryn’s defense, if a makeup artist did my makeup like that, I’d probably tell her to clean her eyes with Windex too. The violent craziness didn’t end there, so claims Holly.
Holly also says in the documents that Taryn Manning dared her to kill Pennsyultucky from Orange is the New Black:
She says during the fight, Manning yelled … “Pick a knife. I’m wearing a white shirt there will be a lot of blood. You will be famous for killing Taryn Manning.”
So let’s see, Taryn headbutted, towel whipped and Windex’d a woman before daring said woman to stab her to death? Lindsay Lohan is laughing at that amateur meltdown, because that’s what she calls a slow day.
Holly filed a request for a restraining order in L.A. instead of in NYC, where the beating allegedly went down, so the judge denied it. Taryn was also arrested in 2012 for allegedly attacking Holly. The charges were later dropped.
Taryn, of course, has slapped back at Holly. Taryn’s lawyers claim that Holly is under investigation for stalking and stealing from her. They think that Holly filed for a restraining order to “obscure her own wrong doing.” Taryn plans to take legal action against Holly.
Taryn also tweeted this today:
It's always settling when you find out your friend aided in your convicted stalker all the while sleeping with your man. So I walked away.
— tarynmanning (@TarynManning) January 29, 2016
I know exactly what Taryn is talking about because that happens to me almost every other week!
One Couple Claims They Won Powerball And They Went Straight To The Today Show Before Turning In Their Ticket
Every whore in the land had their own idea of what they would do if they beat the impossible of impossible odds by winning the jackpot in the $1.6 billion Powerball Lottery. Some people said shit like, “I’d IMMEDIATELY hire a tax ho and a lawyer before I even claimed the money.” And I said that if I won, I’d turn in that ticket as soon as the Lottery office opened the next morning and then I’d burn my phone, smash my laptop into a million pieces and run off to some desolate cabin in the mountains where I’d write Dlisted using smoke signals. But not John and Lisa Robinson of Munford, Tennessee. The Robinsons claim that they have the winning ticket and the first thing they did after telling their kids and lawyer was call up the Today show. I mean….
This isn’t even the most Nicolas Cage story of all-time. It can get a whole lot more Nicolas Cage-ier. I bet his wig didn’t even move an inch when his butler, who has to dress up like Alfred from Batman, walked into his man cave, which is done up like King Tut’s tomb, to tell him that the Mongolian government has requested that he returns the stolen dinosaur skull he bought at auction. Just another day in the life of this crazy mess.
As everyone knows, Leah Remini’s memoir is full of beautiful drops of Tom Cruise craziness like how cookie dough is serious business to him, he won’t dare sip his tea from a chipped mug, he is Father of the Millenium and he looks down at John Travolta. (“Oh please, that troll queen couldn’t look down at me even in her highest heels.” – John Travolta) Leah said she felt like Tommy was giving Scientology a bad name by being the crazy mess that. In Tommy’s defense, Scientology gives Scientology a bad name. Katie Holmes released a statement where she apologized to Leah for pissing her off. Scientology also butt burped up a statement where they called Leah a spoiled entitled diva. But Tommy himself has kept his mouth lips shut over everything Leah said about him and he’s probably going to keep it that way.
A source tells UsWeekly that Tommy “freaked out” over Leah trashing him like that. If Tommy had a Joan Crawford-approved meltdown over jank cookie dough, I can only imagine the hissy fit he threw over that SB (Suppressive Bitch) talking shit about him. He probably made his minions dress up like Leah Remini and he read them each until their tears drowned the Thetans on their cheeks. But the source says that you shouldn’t expect Tommy to talk about Leah in public, because he’s not going to do that. He’s going to let his Scientology goons smear her while he erases all traces of her from his life:
“He thinks it’s a major betrayal. Leah is what the church calls a ‘suppressive person,’ so she’s evil in his mind. He wipes the memory of any SP out of his life. He’s letting the Scientology people discredit her.”
You can laugh at Tommy for thinking he can just glamour away the memory of Leah Remini, but don’t underestimate his Scientology powers. Tommy has proven that he can erase anything from his mind. I mean, he’s successfully erased every shred of sanity from his being, so he obviously has the power! So when a reporter asks him about Leah Remini and he says, “I don’t know her,” believe him.