It’s been a quick minute since I posted about the legal fight for Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos, so let’s catch up real quick. When Nick and Sofia were together, they embryos and those embryos were frozen. But then they broke up, and Sofia went on to screw her now-husband Joe ManJello and Nick went on try to screw her in court. Nick sued for custody of the frozen embryos and he mouth shit out a diarrhea stream of bullshit about how he’s pro-life and just can’t leave his “children” in a freezer. Nick cried that he’s always wanted to be a father. Sofia doesn’t want that and wants the embryos to remain frozen forever.
Since then, Sofia’s legal team put on their rubber gloves and decided to get as messy as Nick has. Sofia demanded that Nick publicly give up the names of the two ex-girlfriends who had abortions around 20 years ago. Sofia’s lawyers wanted to depose the women and question them about Nick’s past sex life and abortion beliefs. A judge in California sided with Sofia. Nick refused to spit up those names and Page Six says that instead of naming his exes, he dropped his lawsuit against Sofia in California on Tuesday. But it’s far from over and in fact, this shit has climbed to a level of fuckery I didn’t think existed. Sofia and Nick’s embryos are suing her. I see that 2016 still has a napkin tied around its neck, because it’s obviously not done with eating us alive.
I didn’t get to see the first part of Leah Remini’s takedown of Scientology on A&E last night, because I was busy catching up on the intellectual docuseries that chronicles the genuine trials and tribulations of real women in the south (aka The Real Housewives of Atlanta). It’s in my DVR and I want to watch it, but I have a feeling it just confirms what many of us have known for a long time: Scientology is as evil and deceitful as the filler air in a new bag of potato chips.
To promote her A&E docuseries, Leah did a really damn interesting Reddit AMA yesterday and unlike her old cult, she kept is 100% real. Leah said that Little Lord David Miscavige definitely knows that Scientology is a scam, she doesn’t really know what happened to Shelly Miscavige (she added “Ask the LAPD“), sexual abuse definitely exists in the cult and that Tom Cruise is their Jesus!
The asshole black sheep of the Tyco Quints, Justin Bieber, is taking his Purpose tour to the Sambadrome in Rio de Janeiro next March (as in March 2017), and a handful of Brazilian Beliebers are already camping out. They’re not camping out for tickets, they already have those. Since the tickets aren’t numbered, the first ones in get the best spots, so they’re waiting in line FIVE FUCKING MONTHS in advance. If on December 25th, you start to feel sorry for yourself because you’re spending the holiday with nothing but a box of wine and porn (that sounds like a dream, actually), don’t! Make yourself feel better by telling yourself that in Rio, a Belieber is spending their Christmas lying on the sidewalk while waiting to see the maple syrup-covered piece of tampon lint in concert.
Since it seems like I’m on the “rich dudes saying dumb shit to The Cut” beat, here’s a post about Tom Brady saying dumb shit to The Cut. Just like plastic-straw-hater Adrian Grenier, Gisele Bundchen’s man is so not into something that’s got the word “straw” in its name. Two things: Yes, this IS news. And yes, Tom Brady’s feelings about strawberries is one of the most interesting things he’s ever said in an interview.
If you’re like 99.99999999% of the internet, then you’re probably not seeing this because for the past two hours or so, you have been nervously chewing on your finger skin while watching a live feed of a hot Emile Hirsch look-alike using suction cups and a harness to climb Trump Tower in Manhattan. (The other 0.0000001% of the internet are doing something called “work.”) I know, cupping is officially back.
No, the Trump Tower climber is not a grown Balloon Boy trying to get attention AGAIN. Some guy from Virginia named Steven is the one who’s sucking on Donald Trump’s tower. (Yes, I hate myself for typing that.) The cops have been breaking windows to try to nab his ass. The news is saying that they heard that Steve is doing it for (wait for it…. wait for it…) attention, specifically attention from Trump. If he wanted Trump’s attention, there was an easier to do it. He should’ve just put on a baby bonnet and cried at one of Trump’s rallies.
At this very moment, Jared Leto is swallowing down a bottle of Propecia to grow his hair out and is ordering giant suction cups on Amazon, because he’s going to be ready when the inevitable Trump Tower Climber movie starts casting. But joke’s on Jared, because Daniel Day-Lewis has already grown his hair out and climbed TWO towers.
And yes, yes, I would.
UPDATE: The cops caught Suction Cup Steve and he apparently endorsed Donald Trump in a video that will haunt every inch of my nightmares tonight.
I no longer think that Coldplay is about as edgy as a popped polo shirt collar on a suburban dad driving a bright green Camaro, because some hardcore shit went down at one of their shows over the weekend. It was more rock & roll than the time Chris Martin accidentally said a curse word during a backstage pep talk.
Coldplay played a show for SiriusXM at a bar called The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons on Sunday and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest and famous tricks like Karlie Kloss, Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and professional shit stirrer/diet booze mogul Bethenny Frankel of The Real Drunk Mess of New York City. Since the Botoxed praying mantis seems to live her life like Bravo’s cameras are always on her, she caused a scene and committed a criminal act when she wasted the sweet nectar by throwing a cocktail at some chicks who annoyed her. That’s what Page Six says anyway.