The all-new The Muppets show debuted last night and around 9 million pairs of eyeballs watched it and that put it above Scream Queens (which was like watching Ryan Murphy reenact Heathers with Barbies) for the night. The new The Muppets show to me was like The Office but with Muppets. Sure it was a little more “adult,” but it’s not like the old show was squeaky clean. I mean, Janice was obviously always high out of her felt mind, Miss Piggy and Kermit were in an abusive relationship and Scooter was obviously a sociopath and serial killer since nobody is that nice for real. But well, the comedy group known as One Million Moms (aka Five Crazies With One Million Burner Email Accounts Between Them) believe that the new Muppets show is tainting the brains of the innocent children!
Before last night’s premiere, the group of conservative moms released a letter begging ABC to not smear the pristine innocence of children with their Muppet filth. They wanted ABC to pull the first episode. Their letter didn’t work obviously. But it did work at making me spit out a stream of LOLs. They are comedy geniuses and their line about Kermit not wearing pants proves that. The letter in all its hilarious entirety is after the cut.
It’s nice to know that Azealia Banks doesn’t only mouth fart up the “faggot” word and bust out massive amounts of crazy on Twitter. Azealia Banks does it in the world outside of Twitter too! At least she’s consistently HER.
Iggy Azalea’s #1 fan (served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) and a sort-of supporter of Donald Trump’s thoughts on immigration (not served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) was on a flight from NYC to LAX early this morning and she gave passengers several servings of her signature messiness when the plane landed. A passenger tells TMZ that after the plane landed at 1 this morning, Azealia was more than ready to get off of that bitch and she grabbed her bag before quickly making her way to the exit. Azealia was in the 6th row and her plan to get off the plane first was blocked by a French couple in the 3rd row. The couple was in the aisle getting their bags from the overhead and when Azealia tried to squeeze by them, the French dude “put his hand out” to block her. That little move switched Azalea’s switch and bitch went off on him in more ways than one.
Let it be known that inhaling massive amounts of baby wipes fumes fucks with your brain and messes you up. Case in point: Terrence Howard’s interview with Rolling Stone.
To promote the second season of Empire, Terrence let Rolling Stone into his Chicago penthouse and he also let the craziness fly. Terrence talked to Rolling Stone’s Erik Hedegaard about everything from his messed up childhood (his dad went to prison for killing a dude while waiting in line to see Santa) to how he got Robert Downey Jr. the Iron Man job (yes, he’s still mouth farting about that) to his history of beating women. Terrence admits to slapping his first wife a couple of times, including in front of their children, and says that he “accidentally” hit his second wife Michelle Ghent. Terrence lives in that Chicago penthouse with his third “wife” Mira Pak and their son. At the time of the interview, Mira paid the rent on the penthouse, because he was battling Michelle in court for a piece of his Empire money, so his checks from Fox were being held for garnishment. Mira and Terrence were also secretly divorced when Rolling Stone came to visit, but they were pretending to be married. That’s not even the weirdest thing about Terrence’s life.
Terrence starts the interview by saying that he took the role of Lucious Lyon on Empire, because everyone already sees him as a douche, so he may as well play one. Terrence is hoping that he’ll make enough money from Empire to retire from acting and move to the suburbs where he’ll spend his days continuing to perfect his own theory of logic called Terryology. We already knew that Terrence Howard is a lady-beating gaping asshole of the tenth degree, but I don’t think any of us knew that he’s a mathematical genius.
BEWARE: If you’re ever in a Manhattan bar and hear a voice say, “We want Taylor Swift songs,” down your drink immediately and bust on out of there, because a hissy fit tantrum cunt show is about to go down.
Gawker says that on Monday morning, the owner of the East Village wine and tapas bar Ballaró, found the words, “WE DO NOT PLAY TAYLOR SWIFT HERE YOU CUNTS GRAZIE,” written in playground chalk on the sidewalk in front of her establishment. (Side note: In my next life, I hope I’m a passive aggressive Italian drag queen named Cunts Grazie.) The bar’s owner Denyse Santoro didn’t need to whistle for Detective La Toya Jackson to solve the case, because she knew who left that charming note. The chalk vandals were in her bar the night before.
Elton John and his 90-year-old mother Sheila Farebrother (that’s a hot last name, by the way) haven’t said a word to each other in over 7 years. Sheila told The Daily Mail a few months ago that Elton stopped talking to her after he demanded that she cut off two of his ex-employees she had become friends with and she refused. Sheila thinks that Elton’s husband David Furnish controls him and is part of the reason why she has no relationship with him. Elton hasn’t completely cut Sheila off. He still pays her bills. Sheila turned 90 back in March and she invited Elton. After he turned down her invitation, she hired an Elton John impersonator to fill the void. That is sadness wrapped in creepiness. (Side note: Please tell me that impersonator had a gig afterward where he had to play Donald Trump and that’s the reason why he’s wearing that dog butt wig.)
We’ve all had to deal with screaming babies or toddlers whose parents don’t try to shush them up. Even though a non-stop crying baby scrapes four layers off of my nerves, I’ve always tried to keep it together and not lose it, because I don’t want to be known as the ice cold cunt who made a kid cry more. (I can’t believe I typed that last part. I don’t know myself anymore.) But well, there’s a diner owner in Maine who doesn’t care and will gladly tell off a crying toddler.
Lynne Russell, who was an anchor on CNN Headline News for 18 years, and her husband Chuck de Caro, who was a special assignments correspondent on CNN in the 80s, were staying at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque, New Mexico when their night turned into some shit out of a Michael Mann movie.
Lynne has a black belt and Chuck used to be a Green Beret, so you know they’re members of the Not The One Club. CNN says that on Tuesday night, Lynne and Check stopped at the Motel 6 during a road trip from DC to California. It was just before midnight when Lynne left their room and went to their car to get something. Lynne noticed a strange dude throwing her looks. As she walked back to her room, the strange dude followed her. When she got to her room, he forced himself in. Chuck was in the shower at the time and when he heard some foolery going on, he walked out naked and wet and found the dude holding a gun to his wife. The Albuquerque Journal says that Chuck and Lynne both tried to reason with the gunman. I’ll pause here as you paint the image of a naked and wet Chuck trying to calm down a robber with a loaded weapon.
There’s probably a number of things that would suck about having Charlie Sheen as your dad. Hugs that smell like burnt hair and vodka. Birthday “cards” that are coke poems written on the back of CDC reminder notices. Waking up one morning and realizing that you haven’t seen him in two months. And we can add another thing to the list.
According to Radar, two of Charlie Sheen’s kids are having a hard time finding a school to go to, and it’s all because of who their dad is. A source claims that ever since Charlie Sheen encouraged his fans to send dog poo and rotten eggs to his daughter’s school back in 2013, private schools in Los Angeles have been politely declining meetings with Denise Richards and have slid applications for Sam and Lola Sheen straight into the trash.
“Sam and Lola have applied for admission at numerous private schools, and have been rejected at every single one. The girls have great grades, and test very well. Several of the schools made it clear there couldn’t be any risk of one of Charlie’s infamous tirades. These schools are the best of the best, and do everything to stay out of the media.”
I’m with them on that one. Nobody wants Charlie Sheen to show up on Career Day and start ranting about his “evil terrorist sack of landfill rash” ex-wife.
Sam and Lola aren’t totally up Sheen Creek on this one; the source says that Denise Richards is moving to an area with some good public schools. On the bright side, at least the public school system will give them a fresh start. Denise, now is the time you “accidentally” enroll them as Sam and Lola Smith.
If I was casting the role of Nicole Brown Simpson’s fame whore friend Faye Resnick, my list of possibilities would look like this:
1. Jessica Lange since she can do it all.
2. Kato Kaelin in bad drag.
3. A badly sculpted clay figurine of Jocelyn Wildenstein.
5. A pristine dew drop on the petal of a daisy right after spring’s first rain.
The last person I’d ever think of would be Connie Britton, but that’s exactly who’s playing Faye Resnick in Ryan Murphy’s FX miniseries American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson. Ryan Murphy tweeted the news today. There’s not enough HUHs in the world.
Faye Resnick was Nicole Brown Simpson’s friend and stayed at her condo until 4 days before she and Ron Goldman were murdered. Faye moved out and checked herself into rehab for an addiction to Lohan powder. O.J. Simpson’s defense team burped up a theory about how Nicole and Ron were murdered by drug dealers who were looking for revenge after Faye failed to pay them the money she owed. Fame Whore Faye helped write two books about the Simpson murder trial. Faye also posed with her nipples out in Playboy a couple of years after the trial. She nows works as an interior decorator and sometimes pops up on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as Kyle Richards’ plasticized guard dog.
Connie (that’s Rayna from Nashville to me and Tami Taylor to those of you hos who watched Friday Night Lights) was in the first season of American Horror Story.
So far American Crime Story stars Cuba Gooding Jr. as O.J. Simpson, Ross from Friends as Robert Kardashian, Sarah Paulson as Marcia Cross, John Travolta as Robert Shaprio and Courtney B. Vance as Johnnie Cochran.
This is the strangest cast and I love it. It has all the makings of a camp classic. Seeing a de-wigged John Travolta grill Connie Britton as she’s covered in forty layers of lead-based paint and lip liner for days is going to be the new meaning of life. Let’s just hope that Ryan Murphy keeps the inspired casting coming by hiring Richard Kline to play Pimp Mama Kris.
Here’s the morally corrupt Faye Resnick (copyright: Camille Grammer) with Camille and Kyle Richards at some event in Las Vegas on Friday night.
After more than six months since he sailed up to Heaven on the sound of his own smooth voice and five months since his body was declared missing, TMZ says Casey Kasem has finally been buried. Normally when a person passes away, their family will make plans to have the body buried or cremated or blasted into outer space on a rocket. But if the deceased person’s family happens to be a bunch of dramatic messes who hate each other, like Casey Kasem’s crazy butter-colored wife Jean and his daughter Kerri, then there’s a greater chance they’ll put the burial on hold and fight over where to bury the body instead. And in true messy family drama fashion, Jean went ahead and had Casey’s body buried in Norway like
she wanted he wanted last Tuesday without telling his children.
You’d think that burying a body that has been decomposing for six months would be a good thing, but it sounds like it might have been a bit of a shady move on Jean’s part. According to TMZ, the LAPD are still conducting an investigation into claims made by Casey Kasem’s kids that he was a victim of elder abuse, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to have the body exhumed now that it’s buried in foreign soil. And even if they do get the OK from Norway to dig Casey’s body up, Jean never had it embalmed, which means that whatever bedsores he may or may not have had will be long gone. And just like that, Jean’s portrait was moved from the Gold Digger Hall of Fame to the Gold Digger Basement of Oh Hell No.
Regardless of how much side-eye we’re throwing waaaay up high to Jean for how she did it, at least Casey Kasem’s body is in its final resting place. Which is a good thing, because he’ll no doubt need lots of rest in preparation for the lifetime of haunting his ghost is going to give Jean for letting his body decompose for half a year.