Category: Crazy

The “Angie Jolie Look-Alike” Who Forced A Cabbie To Have Sex With Her At Knifepoint Got Four Years In Jail

April 11, 2014 / Posted by:

And that’s called taking your Angelina Jolie impersonation to ILLEGAL levels of wrong.

The messy story of the Angelina Jolie look-alike (more like a melting Pete Burns wax figure look-alike) went viral two years ago, but the case recently went to trial where new fucked-up details came out. In 2012, 31-year-old Luminita Perijoc of Tulcea in Romania was arrested after a cab driver accused her of pulling a knife on him and forcing him to have sex with her twice before she stabbed him for not giving it to her a third time. The 35-year-old cab driver Nicolae Stan says that he was called to her apartment to deliver wine (Side question: Cab drivers bring you wine in Romania?!) and when he got to her apartment the crazy bitch grabbed him, pulled him inside and forced him to take his clothes off. After she forced him to have sex with her while holding a knife to his froat, she forced him to perform oral sex on her. When she wanted sex a third time, he turned her down and so she stabbed him six times. Nicolae somehow managed to run into a bathroom where he locked himself in and called the police.

When Luminita, who calls herself an Angelina Jolie look-alike, was arrested, she told the cops she was the victim. The NYDN says that the court found her guilty and she was originally sentenced to 5 years in prison, but when she claimed she was on “strong medication” at the time she attacked Nicolae, they reduced her sentence to 4 years. Nicolae told the court that he would’ve tried to overpower her, but he was afraid people would think he raped her. He tried to get out of there without hurting her. The married father of two told reporters that his life is ruined, because dumb shits are laughing at him for turning down an “Angelina Jolie look-alike“:

“They don’t understand why I refused her, but they do not know what it is like to have a mad woman yelling at you at knifepoint. They look at her, then look at me and laugh. But I think anyone would find it impossible to perform with a knife at their throat even if they were with Miss Romania.”

So she rapes him more than once, stabs him six times and he gets shit while she only gets 4 years in the clink? Is there a Romanian Nancy Grace, because if there is I need to hear her thoughts about this.

Meanwhile, a Jennifer Aniston look-alike was cited for trespassing in Latvia after she broke into a toy store to cuddle with the baby dolls.

Kate Mulgrew Is Not A Geocentrist Even Though She Narrated A Documentary That Claims The Universe Revolves Around The Earth

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Side-eyes were thrown at Kate Mulgrew (aka Red from Orange is the New Black, Captain Janeway from Star Trek and Mary Ryan from Ryan’s Hope) today when a trailer for a crazy documentary made the rounds and her voice was in it. The documentary about geocentricism is from Robert Sungenis, an insane anti-Semetic twat bag (no offense to bags of twats) who thinks the Holocaust never happened and thinks the Jews are involved in a Zionist conspiracy to make Satan the leader of the world. (Cut to Pimp Mama Kris and Satan sipping chardonnay by the pool while laughing about how this Robert Sungenis trick thinks the Jews are part of their evil plan to take over the world.)

According to the trailer for the documentary called The Principle, Galileo was wrong about the whole “the earth circles the sun” thing and everything you learned about the solar system in the 3rd grade was a lie. The Earth is a special place that is the center of the universe and is the only planet with forms of life on it. Sungenis (who is NO sun genius) also thinks NASA is covering up all geocentric-evidence that proves that he’s right.

Famous physicists Michio Kaku and Lawrence Krauss are both in the trailer, but Lawrence Krauss made it crystal clear in a post on Slate that the clips of him used in the movie were used without his permission and he doesn’t believe in that shit. Kate Mulgrew echoed Lawrence’s statement in a post on Facebook and wrote that she was a voice for hire, a check is a check and she would’ve never taken the job if she knew what it was for:

“I understand there has been some controversy about my participation in a documentary called THE PRINCIPLE. Let me assure everyone that I completely agree with the eminent physicist Lawrence Krauss, who was himself misrepresented in the film, and who has written a succinct rebuttal in SLATE. I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism. More importantly, I do not subscribe to anything Robert Sungenis has written regarding science and history and, had I known of his involvement, would most certainly have avoided this documentary. I was a voice for hire, and a misinformed one, at that. I apologize for any confusion that my voice on this trailer may have caused.”

Well, that’s that and Captain Picard can stop shaking his head out of embarrassment now. But you know, that geocentricism shit is not far off from what other groups believe. The Brangeloonies believe that the sun, the moon, the stars and the rest of the universe revolves around St. Angie Jolie and we’re lucky to live on the same planet as her. The Scientologists believe that the entire universe revolves around John Travolta’s wig. And Kanye West believes that the sun and all of the planets (including Kim’s 9th planet ass) were created just to revolve around him.

via HuffPo

The Human Barbie Is A Child-Hating Racist

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

If you knew about this plasticized anime alien mess and forget about her, I apologize for bringing her back into your nightmares tonight. If you have no idea who this plasticized anime alien mess is, I apologize for introducing her to your nightmares tonight. Valeria Lukyanova is the Ukrainian creature who looks like a hybrid of a Barbie and a jointed snake toy, and got a lot of attention for being one of the only living things that can make Kim Kardashian look human by comparison. Valeria does herself up like a CGI porn alien and believes she can travel out of her body. Michael Idov of GQ went to the Ukraine to interview her ass and he shockingly learned that a trick who looks she escaped from Area 51 and has gone days where she only eats air (“Me too!” – Posh “Me three!” – Goop) is a total crazy bitch. Who knew?!

Valeria spit out some shit that’s not that crazy (example: she hates kids), but then she said that bi-racial people are killing the true definition of real beauty. Jade the bi-racial butterfly just spread her wings and flew on over to the Ukraine to shit on her.

On why she’s against race-mixing: “For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”

On how the only thing she’ll ever give birth to is a giant bundle of fucking crazy: “The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in me. Most people have children to fulfill their own ambitions, not to give anything. They don’t think about what they can give this child, what they can teach her. They just try to shape her according to some weird script—whatever they couldn’t do in life, like becoming a writer or a doctor. Or some woman who’s almost 30 and thinks no one needs her, she says, ‘Oh, I’ll have a kid. He will love me and become my reason to live.’ And then this kid becomes a soccer ball she and her boyfriend will kick back and forth. I’d rather die from torture, because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.”

On if she’s a feminist: “I’m against feminism. But what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?”

The hell is Prussian Blue Barbie even saying in that last quote. I’ve seen CAPTCHA sentences that make more sense than that shit. Bitch has no idea what feminism is and who wants water on their deathbed? If I’m on my deathbed, I want booze, bitch. Water being your last drank? That just goes to show you how crazy this mess is, because that’s full crazy.

And Mel Gibson’s irises just turned into two heart shapes and his eyelashes are fluttering like a dove’s wings, because he has finally found his one true love. But she’s still not going to blow him before Jacuzzi, because this crazy bitch only puts air in her mouth.

The Chick Who Spent $25,000 To Look Like Jennifer Lawrence Looks Nothing Like Jennifer Lawrence

March 31, 2014 / Posted by:

30-year-old Kitty, a dog trainer (yes, Kitty the dog trainer) and married mother of 1 tells ABC News that for years people have been telling her that she looks just like Jennifer Lawrence and I’m going to guess that most of those people were either drunk to the point where EVERYTHING looked like Jennifer Lawrence to them or they were legally blind, because Kitty looked like Jennifer Lawrence as much as my tattered b-hole looks like Megan Fox holding a rose in her mouth.

People telling Kitty that she looks like Jennifer Lawrence planted a seed in her brain and out sprouted the crazy idea to spend $25,000 (minus the discount from her plastic surgeon for doing it on TV) get six plastic surgeries to look even more like Jennifer Lawrence. Kitty’s four-week-long fuckery journey to become Jennifer Lawrence’s twin started in February at the First Surgical Hospital in Houston. Kitty’s plastic surgeon Dr. Franklin Rose gave her face lipo, body lipo, a titty job, a nose job and fat grafts to her cheeks and ass. All surgeries took six hours total and it took several weeks for her to fully recover from getting nipped, tucked and sucked. Kitty says that she ultimately got the surgery, because after she birthed out her 5-year-old daughter, she wasn’t that comfortable with her body and she really, really loves Jennifer Lawrence.

“I’m not trying to look like Pamela Anderson here during her ‘Baywatch’ days. I’m trying to look like a very capable, very personal level-headed female who is an Academy Award winner. I am a strong woman. I am in charge of how I look and I can change that and then change that again if I want. The reason why I decided to get surgery is because post having my daughter, I wasn’t quite as comfortable with my body,” she said. “I don’t think you have to be crazy to want to look better or feel better about yourself. That’s not crazy.”

The money for Kitty’s plastic surgeries came from a “me fund” she started before having her daughter. Kitty’s husband Eric didn’t think she needed to be touched with the plastic surgeon’s scalpel and he’s kind of “eh” about Jennifer Lawrence, so yeah he’s pretty much done with her ass. After all those surgeries, Kitty says she really looks like Jennifer Lawrence now. Here’s Kitty before, after and a picture of the celebrity she looks nothing like. Nothing is more tragic than a face cloning fail.

icantwiththischick

If I had $25,000 to spend on whatever, I’d spend it on hiring a scientist to perfectly replicate Jell-O 1-2-3  (aka the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth next to hard peen), so who am I to judge? (Actually, I’m still judging her, because spending $25k on bringing back Jell-O-1-2-3 is less crazy than proving that you’re a super stalker by getting plastic surgery to look like Jennifer Lawrence of all hos.) But it’s her money, her body and if she’s happy and sees Jennifer Lawrence when she looks in the mirror, then good for her. But the only way she’ll really look like Jennifer Lawrence is if Jennifer Lawrence was really Mystique and shapeshifted into Kitty. Because I see Mandy Moore, Kristen Wiig, Backdoor Farrah, a little Drew Barrymore and Kat Dennings, but I don’t see Jennifer Lawrence at all. It’s going to be really awkward when Jennifer Lawrence is asked about this and she’s horrified by the creepiness of it all. If that happens, Kitty can start hating on Jennifer Lawrence and stan for a trick she really looks like, like a Real Housewife of Any City for instance.

Here’s Kitty (and another chick who got surgery to look like Michelle Rodriguez) on ABC News.

Falkor Rimes And Brand Glanville Air Their Shit Out On Twitter: Part 4,562,984,388

March 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Because talking to Brandi AnalGlandVille privately like a mature, sane adult won’t get her attention from the blogs (and here I am falling for that shifty luck dragon’s game), LeAnn Rimes passively aggressively called out her nemesis and body icon on Twitter this morning for not contacting Eddie Cibrian after his son ended up in the ER. The latest fight between these two malnourished rubber sea horses started when Brandi, who’s in NYC shooting Celebrity Apprentice, tweeted that her son was in the hospital for 8 hours last night. Brandi added a picture of Mason in the hospital, because she is the epitome of class and would like to hold onto that title.

We all know that LeAnn has an alarm pierced to her ass lips that vibrates whenever Brandi tweets, so she probably saw that mess of a tweet two seconds after it went up. But she acted like a “friend” told her about the tweet and she didn’t like that she and Eddie Cibrian (mostly she) didn’t find out from Brandi. Falkor twatted this out while somehow forgetting about the time she didn’t call Brandi after Mason ate one of her laxatives and had to go to the hospital.

Got a text from a friend at 4:30am asking if mason was ok. THANK GOD! Mason just called Eddie himself!! It’s been a panicked morning not knowing anything and mason being all the way across the US. Relived to know he’s ok.

Eddie would’ve tweeted his disgust over Brand not calling him, but his fingers were busy finger banging his side piece in the back of his car parked off Mulholland.

These wrecks. What would they do if they didn’t have each other’s clits to yank? They live for it. Brandi tweeted about her son going to the ER before telling Eddie because she knew it’d make LeAnn’s luck dragon nostrils flare into a rage. And not having a drop of shame in her being allows LeAnn to make a kid’s trip to the ER all about her. If I was Mason, I’d probably run away deep into the woods to be raised by wolves, because every time he ends up in the ER those crazy bitches use it as a shank to stab each other with. Now I’m not saying that LeAnn is going to “accidentally” rub poison ivy all over Mason so she can tweet about their trip to the ER before calling Brandi, but I will say that Mason should probably wear a full body armor suit from now on.

Riccardo Tisci Must Really Want Men In White Coats To Drag His Crazy Ass Away….

February 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Riccardo Tisci, Givenchy’s creative director and the genius fashion troll responsible for doing Kim Kartrashian up like a Laura Ashley sausage casing, spilled out a caca river of ridiculousness that is so delusional that if any of us said it our family members would drop a giant net over our bodies and drag us off to a padded room somewhere. A few months ago, Kanye Kardashian (née West) went Defcon level 1 when he declared his plastic Just My Size dress-up doll as the Marilyn Monroe of our time. Well, there’s an echo in Fame Whore Valley, because the trick who shares a Best Friends Forever necklace with Kanye said the same thing to The Sunday Times (via E! Online). While his tongue was pressed firmly up against Kanye’s freshly waxed asshole, Riccardo Tisci managed to say this:

“I met her as the girlfriend of a good friend. I just wanted a moment with her to understand—and I fell in love. She’s the Monroe of our age. People think she’s like a doll, but actually she’s tough and clever.

It’s not so much the beauty of people, but the talent, the roots and the intelligence that concern me. I love people who are not scared to fight for their own rights and have their own point of view. The world is big: the music world is big, the art world is big and the fashion world is big, but I think you can recognize a tribe in the similarity of people.”

If Riccardo Tisci’s friends and family truly cared about him, they’ll tell him that is not something you say out loud in public. If you have to say it, it’s only something you say into Kanye’s ear while spooning on a gold-beaded mink bedspread below a mirrored ceiling. Riccardo must be suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and the only cure is to immediately stop and callate la boca.

And a Botox-filled melting wax mannequin that wears whatever fugness her fiancé tells her to wear is definitely a ho I’d describe as not being afraid to “fight for her own rights.”

Here’s Kim looking like a curdled cream puff while walking from Kanye’s apartment to the car in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Jonathan Davis Is On To You, Obama, He’s On To You!

February 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I haven’t thought about Korn since watching a stripper awkwardly pussy pop to “Bitch We Got A Problem” at a strip club in 2008, but yesterday TMZ shat up a piece of Korn back into my brain when they posted a clip of Jonathan Davis getting deep about President Obama using Miley Cyrus’ suffocating pussy lips to distract us from his evil plan to solely takeover the country. Jonathan Davis’ dreads are hairy rods that hold super secret political secrets (he probably has the ending to America’s favorite political documentary Scandal stuck in there).

At LAX, TMZ asked Jonathan about Korn’s video for “Spike In My Veins” which is full of clips of Miley, Kanye, Rob Ford, Justin Bieber and other hos who are always splattered against our TV screens. Jonathan says that when the media was farting out nothing but clips of Miley’s VMAs performance, Obama was quietly passing a law giving him the power to throw any of us into a prison cell anytime he wants. MAKES COMPLETE SENSE! Gossip Cop broke down the truth according to the guy from Korn:

“I think that our government uses [celebrities] to distract from what’s really going on,” explained Davis.

Referring to Cyrus’ infamous VMAs appearance and the subsequent media storm, Davis offered this theory: “When that went down, Barack Obama passed a law that made him basically a dictator… he can imprison whoever he wants.”

Somebody’s been mainlining that Ted Nugent shit, I see.

What’s crazy is that what Jonathan Davis is saying isn’t totally crazy. Miley’s nasty gunk ass tongue is bringing us all to our knees, and if you asked a normal American to name one CNN anchor they’d probably say A.J. Hammer. (Was there any other?!) But if Obama is dangling messes in front of us to distract us from noticing that he’s slowly taking away all our freedoms, can he PLEASE at least dangle better famous whores in front of us? Before he becomes our sole overlord, can he please hypnotize us with an Andrew Shue sex tape or a new Stacey Q album or a Kids Incorporated reunion season? Can he please drop Miley and use Martika as a political hypnotizing tool instead?!

Justin Bieber’s Wax Figure Has Been Removed From Madame Tussauds Due To ‘Excessive Groping And Fondling’

February 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Ugh, I feel like just typing the words ‘Justin Bieber‘ in the same sentence as ‘groping’ and ‘fondling’ have put me on some sort of watch list. And if that didn’t do it, then downloading the 100% Not Right picture of Justin Bieber’s wax figure definitely did. If anyone out there knows how to erase the contents of a hard drive, let me know.

I guess today’s theme is Candle-Looking Motherfuckers, because here comes a second story about a plastic face ruined by too much manipulation. According to Page Six, the New York location of Madame Tussauds was forced to retire their 3-year-old wax figure of Justin Bieber after crazy fans turned it into Sloth from The Goonies by violently molesting up the face with their love:

One source said of the Bieber figure, which was installed in his younger, more innocent days, “With no ropes or barriers to stop them, thousands of fans have had their photographs taken with him since then — but it has taken its toll.”

Madame Tussauds New York says the figure has been damaged over the years, and despite regular maintenance, “it no longer does justice either to the star or to the attraction,” and so it has reluctantly decided to remove it.

Madame Tussauds general manager, Bret Pidgeon, acknowledged, “This is disappointing, but hopefully we can welcome a new ‘grown-up’ Justin back to the attraction in the near future.”

What part of that awful wax figure made people want to start aggressively rubbing their no-nos on: the soccer mom vest or the Sears wig? I really shouldn’t be judging these people (no matter how weird or in need of deep psychiatric care they clearly are); if Madame Tussauds ever made a wax replica of The Hammaconda, I’d be the first to plan an elaborate Ocean’s 11-style heist to steal it. Except knowing my dumb ass, I’d end up getting caught before I even made it out to my car. The jig would be up after several guests of Madame Tussauds track down a security guard and complain that there’s a woman curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the restrooms, clutching a giant wax peen and weeping “Thiiiis is the haaaaappiest day of my liiiiiiife.”

(Pic: Wenn)

Barbara Walters Comes To Woody Allen’s Defense On The View

February 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Dylan Farrow accusing Woody Allen of abusing her when she was a little girl was brought up on The View today and you’d expect Botox-brained Jenny McCarthy or Whoopi “Rape Rape” Goldberg to fart out some stupidity wrapped in what-the-fuckness, but Barbara Walters did the honors today. Barbara Walters sat next to Stephen King in the Team Woody section of the auditorium when she defended Woody Allen by saying that she knows him well (because Barbara Walters knows every famous bitch well) and he’s a loving, caring father to his two daughters. Barbara’s defense would make complete sense if all child touching trash were openly shitty people, looked like the It clown and abused kids in front of everyone, but we all know that just because the outside says, “loving and caring father,” doesn’t mean that the inside doesn’t say, “child touching trash.” But Barbara kept rambling on and threw down for Woody:

“I know Mia. I have a good relationship with her, but I’ve been with Woody many times with his two daughters. He’s got almost a twenty-year-old marriage. I have rarely seen a father as sensitive, and as loving and as caring as Woody is to these two girls. I don’t know about Dylan, I can only tell you about what I’ve seen now, that it’s a good marriage and that he’s a loving, caring father. I think that has to be said.

Supposedly, she’s very angry and she’s doing it now, because he’s up for an award. The question is does your personal life interfere with the awards?”

While wearing a Peter Pan ass wig, Sherri Shepherd threw herself into the ring and told Barbara that we always hear things like, “Oh, he was such a nice man,” and that we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Sherri went on to say that Woody was messing with Soon-Yi when she was just 17 so he has a record of messing with youngins. Barbara couldn’t wrap those points around her head and she kept arguing with Sherri.

I just… I just… When you’re in a race of reason with Sherri “The World Is Flat” Shepherd and she crosses the finish line while you’ve barely limped a foot away from the starting line, it’s time to get off the track. And Sherri did it while wearing a Peter Pan ass wig!

via Time

Tila Tequila’s Theory About Paul Walker’s Death Is (Surprise!) Batshit-Insanity

December 9, 2013 / Posted by:

I had to double-check nearly 9 times that I had found Tila Tequila’s actual, for real, not-hacked Facebook page because each time I clicked on it, my brain kept saying: “This cannot be it. Did I spell Tequila wrong? Why does she keep referring to herself as God’s Warrior? Is there more than one God Warrior? I thought there was only one.” What I’m saying is that Tila Tequila is for-fucking-real CRAZY, you guys (in other news: water is wet, sky is blue, Kris Jenner is a reptile).

Tila Tequila took a break from ranting about Nazis and Zionists (yes, really) to talk about the death of Elisa Lam, a woman who’s body was found dead on the roof of a hotel. She then explains that the woman’s death was a ritualistic killing. Just like Paul Walker’s. Wait, WHAT?

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“But I’ll keep talking anyway…”

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Two words: THE FUUUUUUUCK?!?! Let me get this straight: Tila believes that Paul Walker was ritually murdered by an occult group as a sacrifice, right? Wait, so who was driving the car? One of the occultists? Was Vin Diesel in on it? This is crazy. No, fuck that, this is crazy-crazy. Even the crazy homeless guy ranting on your subway car about aliens as he pops a squat and takes a hot dump is thinking “This bitch is certifiable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mail a letter to Jesus c/o The Pentagon”.

Someone needs to call the giant bottle of 99¢ Store drain cleaner and disposable g-string that made Tila and tell them they need to come and pick up their kid, because homegirl’s gone off the deep end. What happened? It seems like just yesterday she was ordering shots of love, and now she’s holed up in her House of Crazy in a tinfoil hat (and matching nipple covers) ranting online about end times and murders and the “Synagogue of Satan” (HER WORDS NOT MINE PLS DON’T SEND ME EMAILS). How many signatures do we need on a petition before MTV takes it seriously and creates a show called A Shot at Sanity? 16 psych ward doctors competing to see who can check her into Cedars Sinai under a 5150 hold first? I’d watch it.

(Pic via Facebook)

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