Melissa McCarthy better start working on her Bill O’Reilly impersonation. Because if Sean Spicer ever gets fired as White House press secretary, Jabba the Trump is totally going to move his media boo Bill O’Reilly into that position now that bitch is out of a job.
After just two years of wet burping up saliva bubbles of concentrated foolery as a talking head on Fox News, Stacey Dash has been dropped. Some may say that Stacey was fired, but I say that Stacey was given alternative employment. You know that a layer of nervous sweat covered Omarosa’s forehead today as she walked to her new office while half-expecting to find a pink-slip before finding out that she’s been replaced by Dionne from Clueless.
The Hollywood Reporter says that the professional re-tweeter hasn’t been on Fox News since September 2016, and that’s because they chose not to renew her contract. A rep for Fox News says that they decided not to renew her contract because they realized that even she’s too crazy for them and they also discovered that they’ll save a lot of money and get the same kind of commentary if they just replace her with a whoopee cushion full of cold farts. (That is an alternative fact that will probably become a fact fact when Fox News announces that their new contributor is a whoopee cushion full of cold farts.)
Dionne from Clueless is the political mind of our time, so this is a sad day for politics, journalism and the world! But whatever, Stacey doesn’t need Fox News anyway. Why would Stacey want to embarrass herself on basic cable when she can embarrass herself on prime time network television, like she did last year:
Thomas Gibson was suspended from his job and written out of two episodes of Criminal Minds after he allegedly kicked executive producer Virgil Williams during a fight about creative differences, or whatever. It reportedly wasn’t the first time that Thomas lost it on a co-worker. He allegedly pushed a different producer a few years ago. During Thomas’ suspension, the producers were trying to figure out what to do with his messy ass, and I guess they decided that since they don’t work at a pre-school, they shouldn’t have to deal with an asshole 3-year-old shit head trapped in the body of a slightly passable Eric McCormack impersonator. They have kicked Thomas Gibson to the back of the unemployment line.
The good news is we’re talking about Saturday Night Live drama. The bad news is it’s no where near as juicy as Toonces getting a DUI or Dooneese shopping around a solo sex tape called One Night in the Finger Lakes. But it’s still a little dramatic, so I’m on board. If I learned anything from reading Jay Mohr’s memoirs (don’t judge me) about his time on SNL, it’s that cast members spend their summer break wondering if they’ll be coming back in the fall. Apparently signing a 7-year contract means nothing at SNL, because Lorne Michaels can end it if he wants. That happened most recently to Taran Killam and Jay Pharoah. But unlike former cast members who dropped a “fuck“ on live TV, Taran didn’t really see this coming.
I always assumed Beyonce’s management team was The Illuminati, who spoke directly to Blue Ivy using a series of coded words on an untraceable phone line patched through to her by her intern Solange. But apparently her management team was real people, and apparently they’re all out of a job today, because she decided to can them.
According to Page Six, Beyonce has quit her general manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to a dude named Steve Pamon. A source tells Page Six that Lee Anne isn’t the only one packing her shit in a box to the left to the left today. One of them was her cousin. HER COUSIN!
“Beyonce basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, which included her cousin, and hired a new team. She wants to surround herself with business people who could take her career to an even higher level. She has one album left to deliver before her deal is up with Columbia, plus she wants to make smarter decisions where it comes to touring, sponsorships and acting roles.”
A higher level? I didn’t think there was a level higher than Her Royal Highness Supreme Queen of Heaven and Earth BEYONCE!!!.
Beyonce rep commented on Beyonce’s mass firing by saying: “Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”
Page Six doesn’t say who else is on Beyonce’s new team. But since Beyonce has a major boner for surrounding herself with the best of the best, I’m surprised she didn’t fire everyone and try to replace them all with cardboard cutouts of herself. Or maybe she did, but Jay Z had to pull her aside and remind her that it’s a good idea to keep one of two real people around, just in case she has any questions. Like “What tool do I use to Photoshop my thigh gap again?” or “How do I decline this phone call from Kanye’s wife?”
And here’s the reason Beyonce exists, Mama Tina, trying to go incognito in her Sith Lord finest at a nail salon earlier this week.
For those of us who watch the broke down reboot of Dynasty called The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, our ears will no longer be filled with beautiful lines like “That’s because you don’t get your period anymore, bitch!” and “Go change your Depends because you’re so full of shit.” The 7 foot tall melting candlestick of rage known as Brandi Glanville has been pink-slipped by Bravo and will not be a regular on RHoBH next season. Joanna Krupa just laughed the stank right off of her pussy.
E! News says that a source claims that Bravo demoted the blueprint for LeAnn Rimes’ life from full-time Housewife to “friend of the Housewives.” The source says that Bravo dumped Brandi, because she doesn’t get along with any of the other Housewives and working with her is about as fun as taking a dump in a rest stop. Brandi hasn’t decided if she wants to take the demotion yet and this morning, she twatted this up:
I woke up with a sore throat and a HUGE decision to make today! #RHOBH Will let you all know later I promise !!
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) June 18, 2015
Brandi’s sore throat is either from drowning her sorrows with rubbing alcohol after she ran out of wine or it’s from her leaving Andy Cohen a million screaming cunt-filled voicemails.
Apparently, Kylie Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson are all coming back. Yolanda Foster is dealing with her illness, so she may not come back and Kim Richards has already been dumped in the “Bye, Bitch!” pile.
We all know what’s going to happen next. Since LeAnn Rimes is always two steps behind Brandi, she’ll probably join Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills and eventually release a book called Boozing And Instagramming. That’ll be good for Brandi. Because if LeAnn does the show, she won’t be home as much, which means she won’t notice that Brandi has moved into her guest room after not being able to pay rent.