The Greatest Work Of 21st Century Fiction Has Been Written

Moby Dick

Ulysses

War and Peace

Step the fuck aside.

High school students the world over can rejoice because all copies of The Great Gatsby have been thrown in the trash, and The New York Times Best Seller list is roping off the #1 spot in anticipation for the most dramatic, important novel this side of The Grapes of Wrath after Radar broke the news that Dina Lohan has finished writing a tell-all book:

“To clean up a rumor, Lindsay is not writing a book at this time,” Dina said in an exclusive interview. But, the Lohan matriarch confirmed the she is indeed about to spill family secrets in her own tell-all tome.

“My book is finished!” Dina said.

So how does her 27-year-old daughter Lindsay feel about her mother dishing about the famed and notorious family?

“She is supportive of my book as well as my other three children,” Dina said.

Chapter titles include: Ali Needs To Make More Money, My Favourite Child Is A 2L Bottle Of Vodka, and It’s So Crazy That Everyone Thinks I Look Young Enough To Be Lindsay’s Sister, Right?

Now, historically, a “tell-all” book is a truthful account of real-life events, but we all know that White Oprah sashay-chante’s for the House of Delusion, so the only non-fiction elements in this book will be page numbers. The rest will be an epic story full of shit full of lies, deception, and heartbreak (and that’s just the chapter on Dina’s fight with the floor lamp she mistook for a bartender). The source material for this book alone makes it worthy of a read, but imagining Dina drunkenly firing every ghost writer hired to help her write this disaster and then trying to write it herself takes me so much higher, I’m nearly reaching Lindsay levels of light-headedness. Get me some smelling salts and a strong cup of coffee; I need to come down before I cross to the other side and book an appointment for some yarn-looking hair extensions and a cheap Long Island spray tan.

And – DUH – Radar, of course Lindsay isn’t writing a book about her life just yet; she’s still trying to get clearance from Christina Crawford to use the title Mommie Drunkest.

(Pic via Splash)

OHMYGAWD YES! It’s Nana Lohan!

When pictures of White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan comes up on photo agency sites, I immediately put contacts (aka retina condoms) over my eyes and hide any bags of the good shit I have laying out (I’m not entirely convinced that they can’t steal through laptop screens). But pictures of Nana Lohan have the opposite effect on me. Nana Lohan (real name: Ann Sullivan) is the Marilyn Munster of the Lohans and I’m sure she didn’t give birth to White Oprah. Nana Lohan witnessed a cracked out hyena give birth to White Oprah in a back alley way and being the saint that she is, she took White Oprah in. Anyway, today on Long Island, White Oprah brought her secret weapon, Nana Lohan, to a court hearing in her DUI case.

White Oprah should’ve only brought Nana Lohan and left her mess of a lawyer Mark Heller in the troll cave where he lives, because he made things worse. TMZ says that Mark used his tiny, little orange leprechaun claws to pull the most ridiculous defense out of his tiny, little orange troll hole. Mark told the judge that the paparazzi are to blame for White Oprah driving while under the influence of EVERYTHING that night. No, Mark wasn’t saying it was a Princess Diana situation. Mark says that the paparazzi following her around causes her stress which makes her reach for the Svedka bottle. TMZ put it like this:

Here’s the argument … Dina’s lifestyle presents lots of challenges and stress, brought on by the barrage of photogs that follow her. Those stresses caused Dina to down enough alcohol to register a .20 blood alcohol level as she tooled down the road. Short story — it’s our fault, not hers.

So he’s blaming White Oprah’s booze problems on the paparazzi who only show up because she texts them with her exact location? Next, Mark Heller is going to sue Russia for making vodka. Then he’s going to sue Karl Benz’s estate for inventing the automobile. Then he’s going to sue BMW for making a car that’s difficult to operate if you’re drunk as shit. Bridge tolls make terrible lawyers, but they make amazing court room comedians.

Mark Heller gets an A++ in creativity and fuckery, but if he really wanted the charges thrown out, he would’ve just made Nana Lohan speak to the court. As soon as Nana Lohan said, “Please free my daughter,” the judge would’ve torn up the file, thrown out the charges and the court would’ve given White Oprah free drink tickets for ruining her buzz by pulling her over. CASE CLOSED! NOT GUILTY! Nana Lohan has spoken!

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Is Off Adderall And Has Really, Really Changed This Time

If you watched the hour-long infomercial for Cliffside Malibu on OWN last night and decided to turn it into a drinking game by doing a shot of muddled Adderall paste and vodka every time Lindsay Lohan said, “Things are really different this time,” then you probably had to check into Cliffside Malibu this morning to deal with your new Adderall and vodka addiction, because she said that shit a lot.

LiLo’s post-rehab interview with Oprah was like an encore performance of all her post-rehab interviews. While wearing a tight dress in the perfect shade of prison orange (I see what you did there, LiLo), LiLo told Oprah during Oprah’s Next Chapter that it only took ten million trips to rehab, but this time things are really different and she’s more focused and more grounded and is okay with not being in the middle of a tornado of chaos all the time. LiLo admitted that she’s an addict and that booze is her drug of choice. When The Mighty O asked her about cocaine, LiLo said that she only did coke, because it goes perfectly with the sweet nectar and she’s only done it 10 or 15 times. LiLo says that she said before that she only did it 4 or 5 times, because she was really, really scared. So bitch has only done it 10 to 15 times. Or 100 to 150 times. Or 1000 to 1500 times. Who really counts the number of bad shit lines going up into your nostrils? When The Mighty O asked LiLo if she snorted or injected coke, LiLo nearly clutched her pearls when she said, “I’ve never injected anything other than B12 shots.” In a hospital somewhere, LiLo’s back alley plastic surgeon who injects Fix-A-Flat into her lips every other day is recovering after almost laughing himself to death last night.

LiLo says that she’s no longer on Adderall and she didn’t take it to stay skinny or anything. LiLo said that she could eat and sleep on Adderall. She took it for her ADD.

When the subject of LiLo’s shit parents came up, I wanted Iyanla to run out onto the set (which looked like a Palm Springs furniture store) and tell her ass that her parents are a pair of enabling ass dingles who would sell her out for an 8-ball. But instead of that, Oprah softly asked LiLo if she feels like her parents exploit her and take advantage of her. LiLo spit out this mound of lukewarm delusion:

“No, nobody’s perfect. I love my parents and I’m not going to say that it hasn’t… Certain situations, I would’ve preferred handled differently. Certain things I would’ve preferred to be kept within my family in private, but that’s in the past and I can’t change that.

I don’t think anything was intentionally done in that way. I hate what a bad rap people give my parents, because they’re just parents at the end of the day. They’re trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves. I’ve asked, in sitting with my parents recently, to keep our lives private, please.”

White Oprah and Michael Lohan are getting along right now, so says LiLo.

I hope that in LiLo’s reality shit show for OWN, they show the scene where LiLo tells her parents to stop selling her out, because I really want to see the buzz drain from White Oprah’s face as she realizes that she’ll have to stop getting her vodka money from Radar. But please, like White Oprah and Michael are really going to stop selling their kids out. The chances of that happening are about as good as LiLo putting her saggy titty balls in a bra for once.

Lindsay Lohan Is Staying In Rehab For An Extra 3 Days

Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.

TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”

Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!

Pics: Wenn.com

White Oprah’s Drunk, Messy Ass Has Been Banned From Talking to Lindsay Lohan In Rehab

TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is not getting her daily call from a slurring White Oprah begging her to please wire over $10,000, because her electricity bill (read: the bill for her Jack Daniels cooler) is overdue and they’re threatening to turn off all her power (read: cut off her whiskey supply). The staff at the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu have decided to hang up the phone every time White Oprah calls, because she’s an incoherent drunken disaster and they don’t want her to talk to Lindsay Lohan.

A source (aka Michael Lohan) tells TMZ that a few weeks ago, a staff member at Cliffside called up White Oprah for a little talk with LiLo. But when White Oprah got on the phone, the staff member immediately got secondhand-drunk, because she was thirty shades of plastered. The staff member canceled the conversation between LiLo and White Oprah. LiLo’s team at Cliffside also decided that it’s best if she doesn’t talk to White Oprah at all while she’s in rehab.

In White Oprah’s defense, she’s tanked during every phone call, because she’s always tanked. But I wish that the staff person at Cliffside hit the record button before they told White Oprah that she can’t talk to her precious ATM anymore. Bitch probably slur screamed at them for a minute, then told them she’d suck their dick if they patched her through, then she slur screamed again, then she told them she was going to get her sister from another mister Oprah to shut them down, then she slur screamed again before passing out on the receiver.

In other WO news, over the weekend, I was at my mom’s house, looking at these gorgeous, boner-inducing pictures of Tan Mom and my mom saw them on my screen and said, “Lindzeeeee’s mom looks terrible!” I know, what did Tan Mom ever do to deserve that comparison?

Lindsay Lohan’s Getting $2 Million From Oprah

Last week, OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network, not The Old Whore Network) announced that Oprah went down in the basement of a barrel and got Lindsay Lohan to agree to an interview and an 8-part reality shit show. The “docu-series” will follow LiLo as she tries to rebuild the pile of broken Legos she calls a career while trying not to fuck up again. Yeah, they’re calling it a “docu-series.” They should really call it fairy tale theater and Shelley DuVall should introduce each new episode.

TMZ says that OWN paid the Alabama leprechaun’s second cousin (twice removed at the crackhouse) $2 million for the interview and the reality show. The deal was signed while LiLo was drying out at Betty Ford. Oprah’s also giving LiLo two assistants and a stylist. If you work for Oprah and wonder if she hates you, you’ll know for sure if she calls you up and says, “I’m reassigning you to Lindsay Lohan.”

Surprisingly, White Oprah found the time to talk to E! News about LiLo’s deal with The Mighty O. I say “surprisingly,” because I figured she’d be too busy swimming in the panty pudding she squirted out after thinking about all the booze and pill money that’s about to drop into LiLo’s checking account. Top shelf booze days are here again!

“Oh, it’s fantastic. If anyone is going to help mentor you, it’s going to be Oprah,” Dina told us over the weekend. Asked whether she’ll appear on the program, the elder Lohan hinted that was a likely scenario. “Possibly! It’s about family…and I’m family,” she said. As for how LiLo is doing as she finishes up her last few weeks in treatment, Dina noted her daughter’s in a really good place. “She’s happy, she’s healthy and she’s amazing. She’s doing really well,” she said.

You can say that Oprah has said “fuck it” to making her network a beacon of serious journalism and is embracing trash to get viewers. But let’s look at the positive. For us lovers of foolery and trash, this means that OWN is one step closer to being the new Oxygen and we all need more Bad Girls Club in our lives (not really). Lindsay Lohan being $2 million is also good news for the back alley pharmacy industry. YAYs all around.