Category: Mark Heller

I’ll Take ‘Shack Her Up In The Whacko Basket For’ $200, Alex

November 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Jimmy hats off to all of you whores and slores who wrote Santa a letter this year asking for a take-no-shit judge in Dina Lohan’s DWI case because according to TMZ,  he has ordered her to undergo a full psych evaluation before returning to court on January 7.

Dina’s attorney, Mark Heller (who gives me serious shades of a miniature Rock Biter from The Neverending Story) told the judge that she is sober following her September arrest where she blew a .20, but he wasn’t buying it. I don’t know, maybe he has a little thing called THE INTERNET and already knows Dina is so full of shit that’s the reason her eyes are brown.

Mark blamed the DWI on the pressures of the paparazzi following Dina. Who knew it was so hard being one half of the asshole parentage of a washed up child actor that it would keep someone from calling a cab, instead making them slide across the hood of their car (using stank ass cooch secretions as lube) like some kind of boozed up Bo Duke and driving off in a cloud of fumes that could knock a buzzard of a shit wagon?

You know during the evaluation, the psychologist will hold up random inkblots and all Dina will see is herself as a Rockette, Ali on the cover of Vogue, a six pack of Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and Lindsay holding an Oscar in the first four. In the fifth, she’ll see Michael face down in a ditch wearing a mesh shirt (DO NOT if you just ate or are about to). Dina won’t even need to come up with anything off the cuff about how wonderful her family is- she can just regurgitate all the bullshit from the video TMZ has of Mark talking up Gin Cleaver.

(Photo: Wenn)

OHMYGAWD YES! It’s Nana Lohan!

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

When pictures of White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan comes up on photo agency sites, I immediately put contacts (aka retina condoms) over my eyes and hide any bags of the good shit I have laying out (I’m not entirely convinced that they can’t steal through laptop screens). But pictures of Nana Lohan have the opposite effect on me. Nana Lohan (real name: Ann Sullivan) is the Marilyn Munster of the Lohans and I’m sure she didn’t give birth to White Oprah. Nana Lohan witnessed a cracked out hyena give birth to White Oprah in a back alley way and being the saint that she is, she took White Oprah in. Anyway, today on Long Island, White Oprah brought her secret weapon, Nana Lohan, to a court hearing in her DUI case.

White Oprah should’ve only brought Nana Lohan and left her mess of a lawyer Mark Heller in the troll cave where he lives, because he made things worse. TMZ says that Mark used his tiny, little orange leprechaun claws to pull the most ridiculous defense out of his tiny, little orange troll hole. Mark told the judge that the paparazzi are to blame for White Oprah driving while under the influence of EVERYTHING that night. No, Mark wasn’t saying it was a Princess Diana situation. Mark says that the paparazzi following her around causes her stress which makes her reach for the Svedka bottle. TMZ put it like this:

Here’s the argument … Dina’s lifestyle presents lots of challenges and stress, brought on by the barrage of photogs that follow her. Those stresses caused Dina to down enough alcohol to register a .20 blood alcohol level as she tooled down the road. Short story — it’s our fault, not hers.

So he’s blaming White Oprah’s booze problems on the paparazzi who only show up because she texts them with her exact location? Next, Mark Heller is going to sue Russia for making vodka. Then he’s going to sue Karl Benz’s estate for inventing the automobile. Then he’s going to sue BMW for making a car that’s difficult to operate if you’re drunk as shit. Bridge tolls make terrible lawyers, but they make amazing court room comedians.

Mark Heller gets an A++ in creativity and fuckery, but if he really wanted the charges thrown out, he would’ve just made Nana Lohan speak to the court. As soon as Nana Lohan said, “Please free my daughter,” the judge would’ve torn up the file, thrown out the charges and the court would’ve given White Oprah free drink tickets for ruining her buzz by pulling her over. CASE CLOSED! NOT GUILTY! Nana Lohan has spoken!

Pics: Splash

YES! Lindsay Lohan’s Old Shifty Leprechaun Of A Lawyer Is Representing White Oprah Now

September 24, 2013 / Posted by:

Because we’re living in a not right and totally unjust society where it’s actually illegal to turn your car into a death machine by driving while plastered and the cops won’t always let you go if you give them a sloppy handy in the back of their car, White Oprah was charged with a DWI over a week ago and she was in court on Long Island today to answer to those charges. And she brought along my favorite character from Lindsay Lohan’s happy fun time court days: MARK HELLER!

White Oprah’s checking account is about as empty as her head, but good thing for her, Mark Heller is the kind of shady bridge troll who works for the toe nails of children and she has a few children who can grow those, so it’s a win/win for everyone! Mark and White Oprah played it extremely subtle by showing up to court in a chauffeured Rolls Royce. White Oprah pleaded not guilty, because Lohans are allergic to taking responsibility for their shit and because Mark Heller thinks that the judge may fall for the “it was a black kid in a White Oprah costume” defense.

TMZ says that White Oprah was released back into civilization without bail, but the court took her drivers license away.

I’m sure White Oprah will be vindicated! Mark Heller will successfully argue that yes, White Oprah blew a 0.20 on the Breathalyzer, but her blood alcohol level is always twice the legal limit. Bitch was born with a 0.20 blood alcohol level. She’s just always drunk. And besides, what judge will rule against a fancy lawyer who looks like a miniaturized Henry Wrinkler-on-the-barbie and carries a really fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase. You know a ho is serious when he’s carrying a Louis Vuitton briefcase. Fun fact: Mark’s Louis Vuitton briefcase is actually a regular-sized wallet and they put a handle on it especially for him. Bitch has got it like that.

And yes, I’m squeeing thinking of all the cute, little legal documents he’s got in that little briefcase.

Pics: Splash

A Judge Calls Lindsay Lohan’s Lawyer An Unfit Buffoon

March 1, 2013 / Posted by:

I guess that lucky rabbit foot lost all of its magic, because Lindsay Lohan’s tiny lawyer got dragged across the court room this morning by a judge who told him in so many words that he’s way too dumb in the brains to be a lawyer. Judge James Dabney told Mark Heller that he’s totally incompetent (like client, like lawyer) and that LiLo either needs to get herself a competent California lawyer or she needs to come to court and declare that she’s okay with a dumb fuck representing her. Oh, Judge James Dabney, I think I’m in love with you.

Both Radar and TMZ say that during the hearing today, Mark Heller filed several motions including asking the court to postpone LiLo’s trial, because she’s fragile or some shit and deserves “mercy and compassion.” Judge Dabney shat on all of Mark Heller’s motions before throwing them out of court. Judge Dabney said the legal documents that Mark Heller filed were totally screwed up and read like they were written by a cracked out, half brain-dead pigeon (Side note: Did Mark Heller give LiLo a part-time job as his legal secretary?). Judge Dabney said that it’s obvious that Mark Heller knows nothing about criminal law and he shouldn’t be handling LiLo’s case. Judge Dabney continued to slap down the real life Barry Zuckerkorn by saying:

“Somebody needs to come in to assist you who has SOME experience in California law for procedure or Miss Lohan is going to have to come in here and waive her right to have attorneys who are competent in California law and procedure to go forward. [The motions filed were] lacking in conformity to California law and procedure….I am somewhat concerned that you have sufficient guidance in criminal procedure in California.”

Since LiLo turned down the prosecution’s plea deal, she’s going to trial on March 18th and who knows if Mark Heller will be there.

The press conference that Mark Heller held afterward was even more of a mess. Mark Heller is a natural born comedian and he needs to teach LiLo how to really entertain people, because he quoted Ben Affleck’s Oscar speech, said he didn’t think that the judge was calling him “incompetent” and then said that she’s not addicted to drugs or booze. Bitch delivered punchline after punchline.

I hope that LiLo does the right thing by not firing Mark Heller, because that silly legal troll is a gift to comedy. I will always trust a lawyer who carries a fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and quotes Ben Affleck.

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