Oprah Gets Into Bed With White Oprah

Picturing Oprah and White Oprah scissoring on a mattress is one way to spend your Saturday….

Lindsay Lohan’s mom White Oprah has regular vodka-infused blackout dreams about one day owning her own network called WON (White Oprah Network) and whoring out her daughter in a reality show for her network. But if that can’t happen, then the next best thing is LiLo getting a reality show on White Oprah’s idol’s network OWN. Deadline reported yesterday that as soon as Cliffside Malibu releases LiLo back into the wild, she’ll do an interview with Oprah before shooting her own “docu-series” for OWN. Congratulations to The Mighty O, because this means that OWN is one step closer to becoming the next E!.

LiLo’s interview with Oprah will splatter onto our TV screens sometime in August and her eight-part “docu-series” will air next year. I love how they are calling it a “docu-series.” Bitch, it’s not a docu-series, it’s a reality show! That’s like me bringing a bottle of Andre to a party and saying that it’s fine champagne. Bitch, that’s not champagne, it’s Andre! (That should really be Andre’s tagline.)

LiLo’s “docu-series” is either going to be a glorious wreck and a bigger disaster than Liz & Dick or it’s going to be an edited, sanitized bore. Whatever the case may be, this is news to do a shot of dirty crack pipe water over, because this means there’s a huge possibility that we’ll see the triumphant return of NANA LOHAN (at the 6:50 mark)!

That’s who really should be getting her own “docu-series,” because Nana Lohan is the only one in that family with brains and she looks younger and more beautiful than all those hos.

Dina Lohan Says That Lindsay Lohan Is Happy In Rehab

During Lindsay Lohan’s 24-hour cross-country rehab disaster, White Oprah has been strangely silent and I figured she was still passed out from partying at her daughter’s going away to rehab party. Nana Lohan finally dropped a bucket of ice water on White Oprah’s passed out ass, woke her up and told her E! was on phone. White Oprah spoke to E! and told them that LiLo was planning to go to rehab even if the courts didn’t make her (insert an eye roll here) and even though she’s said it ten thousand billion times before, she’s ready to get completely clean this time.

White Oprah also said that LiLo didn’t go to the Seafield Center in the Hamptons because of the smoking thing. She didn’t go, because Michael Lohan used to be a patient there years ago and like everybody in the world, the staff hates him and doesn’t want to see his face. White Oprah kicked Michael Lohan in the vagina by saying that the staff was afraid he was going to visit LiLo.

Even though LiLo has most likely snuck out of Betty Ford and is terrorizing Palm Springs right now, White Oprah says that she’s happy to be in rehab and is totally committed to getting dry.

“I am so relieved and thankful that Lindsay is getting the help she needs in a credible place. She actually wanted to go, whether the court said to or not. She is happy there, to get introspective and get back on the right track.

The people are so dedicated at that place. It is a great facility. [Lindsay] didn’t give anyone trouble. She had just gotten word [that Morningside] wasn’t approved by the court. She didn’t want to unpack and then a few days later have to move. She felt it was best to get into a place that the court has approved and let her start her treatment. They are very protective of paparazzi and leaks and very professional. She just needs to heal peacefully and quietly.

She has a different frame of mind this time. She realizes and she knows she needs help this time. She was like, ‘I’m sorry, Mommy.’ And I tell her, ‘Don’t say you are sorry. You just have to work on yourself and on getting well. Don’t beat yourself up.’ The bottom line is that [addiction] is a disease. It is a gene. Pretty much one in every family in the world carries it. It is difficult. You just have to heal.”

Before you say that White Oprah should be bunking with her daughter at Betty Ford, I’ll have your ass know that she doesn’t have that gene. Yeah, she did have it once, but she drank so much vodka, gasoline, peroxide and battery acid over the centuries that it burnt away and now it’s gone. So there!

Guess Who Was Drunk Off Her Ass At A Charity Event On Tuesday Night?

The answer would’ve been obvious even if I didn’t post a picture. Hell, the answer would’ve been obvious if I asked the question, “Guess who was drunk off her ass today?” The correct answer is always White Oprah!

Seen above just seconds before screaming, “Somebody turn off the spin cycle! The room is spinning too fast,” Justin Bieber’s newest nemesis showed up to the Rock Love Art Ball in NYC on Tuesday night. The organizers of the event invited White Oprah, because they got an extra tax write-off if they gave a hot meal and a bottle of booze to the needy. White Oprah acted exactly how you would expect White Oprah to act at any event. She was a drunken, embarrassing mess.

A source tells the NYDN that White Oprah was shit-faced by the time dinner ended and when the ceremony began and they started passing out awards, she constantly stood up and clapped her hands like a stupid seal on speed. During the live auction, she kept clapping until the auction lady told her that she basically just unknowingly won a bunch of items she can’t afford to buy. The source said:

“[She was] clapping and raising her hands in the air. This prompted the auction leader to call out to her, ‘Ma’am, I have to remind you, when I see your hands above your eyebrows it means that you are bidding.’ She told her to stop jiggling around.”

Jiggling around? Why am I picturing a drunken White Oprah (that’s redundant, I know) dancing on her chair while jiggling her titties around? If the auction leader was smart, she would’ve went into the hall, ripped a fire extinguisher from off the wall and auctioned that off. Everyone at that event would’ve emptied their wallets to buy that fire extinguisher, so they could’ve turned it on White Oprah’s messy ass.

And here’s the many drunken faces of W.O.

Chateau de Delusion Might Go Into Foreclosure

“Why don’t I just flash you real quick and we can pretend like this never…. Wait, why are your running away while scratching at your eyeballs? Take these papers with you!!!!” is probably what White Oprah screamed at a process server yesterday when he dropped off foreclosure notice papers. Both Radar and The New York Post says that a process server dropped off very important court documents at the Lohan family house on Long Island yesterday. The fat-mouthed process served told a reporter for the Post that the documents were for a mortgage issue with Chase bank. Radar says that this isn’t the first time White Oprah is in danger of losing the Lohan family crack house and that she’s almost $1 million in debt. That gurgling in my stomach isn’t from the Oreo and protein powder shake I had for breakfast. It’s from thinking of that Steve dude from Vivid offering LiLo and White Oprah $1 million to do mother/daughter porn.

Radar also says that LiLo moved into her old bedroom at White Oprah’s house, because her credit sucks and she can’t even afford to rent a storage closet in the Bronx. But some source (FYI: in real talk, “some source” translates into “Dina Lohan“) tells TMZ that LiLo isn’t shacked up in her old bedroom. LiLo is putting the SO? and HO in SoHo, because she’s living rent-free in a friend’s SoHo penthouse. The friend is letting her stay there for free until she can get her own place and is letting her live there for as long as she wants.

I really can’t hate on LiLo’s hustle. Whenever I give a lazy handjob and a half-assed blow job, I get pushed out of the car. But when LiLo does it, she gets to live in a SoHo penthouse for free! I wonder if her friend is still going to consider himself a friend of hers when he shows up to his penthouse and finds that she’s taken everything including the faucets and that she’s been renting the place to the leaders of an underground sex ring for twice as much.

Dina Lohan Scares Children, Calls Herself “The Most Misunderstood Mother In America”

That’s a look that says, “Read the F U on my shirt.“

After paying for lunch with photocopied money she made at FedEx Office (Side note: I miss Kinko’s), a drunken White Oprah did the fame whore strut down the ho stroll at The Grove and told the paps that she and Lindsay Lohan are staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel (more like The Beverly Hills Adjacent Hotel aka The Best Western in West Hollywood) and she’s been so busy with “work.” (I like how she says “work” like she knows what that words means!) White Oprah kept blabbing about whatever until she ran into an adorable, innocent child and you know White Oprah. She hasn’t met an adorable child she doesn’t want to taint and ruin. Only in L.A. will a mother (with gorgeous eyebrows, by the way) ask her little girl if she wants to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan’s mother. The smart little girl wasn’t having it. She knows that you don’t take candy from strangers and you don’t hug a Dina Lohan, because if you do the next thing you know it’s 18 years later and you’re hungover in a court room while answering to your 15th felony charge of the year.

Here’s the awkwardness in all its awkward glory:

White Oprah wasn’t only in L.A. to terrorize innocent children with her vodka breath, she was also there to represent the definition of delusion once again. White Oprah talked to Extra’s AC Slater and said that she’s writing a tell-all book called A Parent Trapped, because she wants America to know the real her and thinks she can save lives.

On how Lindsay Lohan’s a target by the media, because she was raised by a single parent (???): “I really think she’s a target and since I am a single parent, I think they think there’s a weaker link that she doesn’t have as much protection around her.”

On how she’s so happy that LiLo lives at home with her now, because it’s so much easier just stealing money from LiLo’s purse than trying to figure out the login information for LiLo’s bank account online: “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years… she’s safer at home.”

On the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was blacklisted from Shutters in Santa Monica for trashing one of their rooms in 2007: “That was so silly. We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

On how much hate is thrown at her: “I’m probably the most misunderstood mother in America.”

On why she’s writing a tell-all: “I feel I’m a victim of domestic violence for years and if I can save a life or change a life… I want it to be a helpful book.”

On if Michael Lohan is helping her raise their kids and how she was a single mother straight out of the womb: “I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I’ve been a single mom my whole life. I’ve had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him. I’m always hopeful things will get better and slowly, but surely hopefully they are.”

On if she wants LiLo to have kids one day: “Yes, I just want to babysit.”

That last line sent a chill through every CPS officer. And White Oprah went on to say, “Because newborn babies are worth so much more on the black market than 16-year-old boys. You hear that, Cody? Why couldn’t you just sit still in that stroller and pretend to be a newborn baby like a good boy?“

Lindsay Lohan Miraculously Recovers And Flies To L.A. For Court

Lindsay Lohan wasn’t going to show her face in an L.A. court room today, because her lawyer Lionel Hutz Mark Heller gave the judge a note from her NYC doctor that said she was suffering from an upper respiratory infection and could infect all the other passengers with the sicks if she flies to California. But I guess TMZ spooked the flu right out of that bitch. Because apparently after TMZ said the judge could issue a warrant for her arrest, LiLo grabbed White Oprah, ran down to the bar at the Hilton Garden, flirted with a couple of half-blind 60-something businessmen, lured them to the bathroom, stole their wallets while her mother gave them a double handy and then used their credit cards to buy two first class tickets from JFK to LAX.

White Oprah and LiLo landed at LAX last night and the passengers on the flight said that they didn’t catch the flu, but they did catch a severe case of the rolling eyeballs and an even worse case of the HAHAHAs after seeing that bitch’s outfit.

How many different kinds of animals were butchered to make that outfit? Several cows from the 80s were killed to make those pants. Several dude seals had their foreskin ripped off of their peens to make those lips. And that period-stained crotch fur was ripped off of a Kardashian to make those sleeves. Bitch is dressed like a retired pro wrestler from the 80s. I bet oxygen masks dropped halfway through the flight, because when you mix LiLo’s sweaty crotch with leather pants you get some stuff you don’t want to inhale.

And if you live in L.A. and have a spare bedroom, you should check it, because LiLo and White Oprah are probably sleeping in there after breaking into your house. Because TMZ says that LiLo tried to check into Shutters in Santa Monica last night, but she’s been blacklisted for trashing a room in 2007. LiLo also tried checking into the Loews, but they told her they were all booked. LiLo also tried checking into the Motel 6 in Van Nuys, but I guess they’re still mad at her for leaving the dead body of her overdosed johns in their room after a call gone wrong.

LiLo is supposed to be in court at around 8:30 L.A. time, but she might not have a lawyer with her. Shawn Holley would rather eat a rat’s vagina than go back to LiLo and the judge might not approve Mark Heller since he doesn’t have a license to practice in CA and he’s never met the L.A.-based lawyer who’s supposedly sponsoring him.  I really hope that White Oprah represents that mess in court today. White Oprah watched all the court scenes from Legally Blonde on the plane ride over and she gave a beej to a first year law student in the lavatory, so she’s totally qualified.