Lindsay Lohan’s Getting $2 Million From Oprah

July 16, 2013 / Posted by:

Last week, OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network, not The Old Whore Network) announced that Oprah went down in the basement of a barrel and got Lindsay Lohan to agree to an interview and an 8-part reality shit show. The “docu-series” will follow LiLo as she tries to rebuild the pile of broken Legos she calls a career while trying not to fuck up again. Yeah, they’re calling it a “docu-series.” They should really call it fairy tale theater and Shelley DuVall should introduce each new episode.

TMZ says that OWN paid the Alabama leprechaun’s second cousin (twice removed at the crackhouse) $2 million for the interview and the reality show. The deal was signed while LiLo was drying out at Betty Ford. Oprah’s also giving LiLo two assistants and a stylist. If you work for Oprah and wonder if she hates you, you’ll know for sure if she calls you up and says, “I’m reassigning you to Lindsay Lohan.”

Surprisingly, White Oprah found the time to talk to E! News about LiLo’s deal with The Mighty O. I say “surprisingly,” because I figured she’d be too busy swimming in the panty pudding she squirted out after thinking about all the booze and pill money that’s about to drop into LiLo’s checking account. Top shelf booze days are here again!

“Oh, it’s fantastic. If anyone is going to help mentor you, it’s going to be Oprah,” Dina told us over the weekend. Asked whether she’ll appear on the program, the elder Lohan hinted that was a likely scenario. “Possibly! It’s about family‚Ķand I’m family,” she said. As for how LiLo is doing as she finishes up her last few weeks in treatment, Dina noted her daughter’s in a really good place. “She’s happy, she’s healthy and she’s amazing. She’s doing really well,” she said.

You can say that Oprah has said “fuck it” to making her network a beacon of serious journalism and is embracing trash to get viewers. But let’s look at the positive. For us lovers of foolery and trash, this means that OWN is one step closer to being the new Oxygen and we all need more Bad Girls Club in our lives (not really). Lindsay Lohan being $2 million is also good news for the back alley pharmacy industry. YAYs all around.

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