What In Homer Simpson After Getting Attacked By Bees Hell?!

Dear Kylie Jenner, if you don’t stop, this is going to be you real soon. Kylie Jenner probably knows that already since she’s seen this terrifying look up close and in person before.

It’s been a while since professional fame whore Backdoor Farrah has done something solely for attention. So she made up for lost time today by tweeting two pictures of her mouth job gone wrong. Farrah went to get her lips done and she ended up looking like a piranha with a massive overbite after getting beat down with a shovel. I think most ladies know that letting a back alley plastic surgeon fill your lips with foam insulation never turns out well, but Farrah warned all the ladies anyway:

Girlfriends don’t say I didn’t warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit

TMZ says that Farrah was getting a new procedure where the doctor puts an implant in your lips. It’s supposed to be cheaper than fillers because you don’t have to get it done all the time. Farrah claims that she researched the procedure and the doctor beforehand. That was her first mistake. Farrah should have let her daughter or someone else with more than 2 working brain cells do the research for her. Farrah thinks that her lips blew up after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. It’s possible that the implant was defective too. Whatever the case may be, Farrah now looks like she went to the plastic surgeon, showed them a picture of her butt lips and said, “Make the lips on my face look like this too!” I’m all for peen sucking lips but I don’t think the lips are supposed to be bigger than the peen.

The use of the hashtag #BOTCHED makes me think that she did this on purpose to get on E!’s Botched. The answer to the question “Would Farrah Abraham go so low as to purposefully screw up her face to get on a reality show?” is: It’s Farrah Abraham.

Farrah also made fun of herself on Twitter by comparing herself to Leela from Futurama. Leela is currently in the process of suing Farrah for defamation.

And here’s another picture to stare at if you don’t want to sleep tonight:

You know, this can easily be fixed. All Farrah has to do is get a pair of extra chunky eyebrows tattooed on her face and she’d look seven shades of stunning. Jordan James Parke knows what I’m talking about.

Ali Lohan Made Her Fashion Show Debut (UPDATE)

UPDATE: I got a few emails and comments from people who screamed at me, “Michael, you dumb bitch, do your research! That’s not Ali Lohan! Ali’s only wearing the black dress!” Yeah, they used the word “research” like I know what that is. But I sit corrected. Apologies to the chick in white for confusing her with a Lohan.

No, this isn’t a promo picture for American Horror Story: Coven. It’s 19-year-old Ali Lohan a lady in white holding a glass of what I’m sure is chilled chamomile tea champagne while celebrating with her sister Lindsay Lohan after making her fashion show debut in the “Saints of the Zodiac” show in NYC yesterday. I don’t know what the theme of the show was, but judging by all the looks, it was “The Goddess Bunny as a goth princess of Themyscira.”

On one positive note, LiLo finally gave her freckled titty balls the support they need and deserve.

And White Oprah wasn’t there, because as you can tell from these pictures, it’s still light outside. Bitch was still sleeping!

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Is Off Adderall And Has Really, Really Changed This Time

If you watched the hour-long infomercial for Cliffside Malibu on OWN last night and decided to turn it into a drinking game by doing a shot of muddled Adderall paste and vodka every time Lindsay Lohan said, “Things are really different this time,” then you probably had to check into Cliffside Malibu this morning to deal with your new Adderall and vodka addiction, because she said that shit a lot.

LiLo’s post-rehab interview with Oprah was like an encore performance of all her post-rehab interviews. While wearing a tight dress in the perfect shade of prison orange (I see what you did there, LiLo), LiLo told Oprah during Oprah’s Next Chapter that it only took ten million trips to rehab, but this time things are really different and she’s more focused and more grounded and is okay with not being in the middle of a tornado of chaos all the time. LiLo admitted that she’s an addict and that booze is her drug of choice. When The Mighty O asked her about cocaine, LiLo said that she only did coke, because it goes perfectly with the sweet nectar and she’s only done it 10 or 15 times. LiLo says that she said before that she only did it 4 or 5 times, because she was really, really scared. So bitch has only done it 10 to 15 times. Or 100 to 150 times. Or 1000 to 1500 times. Who really counts the number of bad shit lines going up into your nostrils? When The Mighty O asked LiLo if she snorted or injected coke, LiLo nearly clutched her pearls when she said, “I’ve never injected anything other than B12 shots.” In a hospital somewhere, LiLo’s back alley plastic surgeon who injects Fix-A-Flat into her lips every other day is recovering after almost laughing himself to death last night.

LiLo says that she’s no longer on Adderall and she didn’t take it to stay skinny or anything. LiLo said that she could eat and sleep on Adderall. She took it for her ADD.

When the subject of LiLo’s shit parents came up, I wanted Iyanla to run out onto the set (which looked like a Palm Springs furniture store) and tell her ass that her parents are a pair of enabling ass dingles who would sell her out for an 8-ball. But instead of that, Oprah softly asked LiLo if she feels like her parents exploit her and take advantage of her. LiLo spit out this mound of lukewarm delusion:

“No, nobody’s perfect. I love my parents and I’m not going to say that it hasn’t… Certain situations, I would’ve preferred handled differently. Certain things I would’ve preferred to be kept within my family in private, but that’s in the past and I can’t change that.

I don’t think anything was intentionally done in that way. I hate what a bad rap people give my parents, because they’re just parents at the end of the day. They’re trying to stand up for their daughter and themselves. I’ve asked, in sitting with my parents recently, to keep our lives private, please.”

White Oprah and Michael Lohan are getting along right now, so says LiLo.

I hope that in LiLo’s reality shit show for OWN, they show the scene where LiLo tells her parents to stop selling her out, because I really want to see the buzz drain from White Oprah’s face as she realizes that she’ll have to stop getting her vodka money from Radar. But please, like White Oprah and Michael are really going to stop selling their kids out. The chances of that happening are about as good as LiLo putting her saggy titty balls in a bra for once.

When The Lady’s Face In The Background Says It All

Lindsay Lohan showed up to the amfAR Gala in NYC last night and where oh where to begin…

THOSE CHEEKS! Phoebe Price better inject her farm to table cheeks with massive amounts of growth hormones, because LiLo is showing her up in the chicken cutlets department. LiLo’s got a Costco chicken cutlets family pack stuffed into those cheeks.

THOSE LIPS! That lipstick color makes her lips look like two long keloids. Not that she was invited, but the only way LiLo can go to the Grammys this Sunday is if she covers the puffy labia lips on her face with a pussy pastie.

THAT WIG WEAVE THING! I’m not sure if that’s an old wig, factory-defected Barbie hair from the Mattel factory or if she just pulled clumps of hair out of the drain, sprayed them down with shellac and threw that shit on her head.

THOSE SHOES! Those are the shoes that come in the amateur drag queen starter kit.

WOODY ALLEN! Creepy ass Woody Allen looks creeped out and that’s an achievement since the contents of his hard drive can probably make the most seasoned FBI agent blush.

THE ENTIRE LOOK! It’s very “60-something retired Italian porn star turned black widow.“

With all that being said, this might be the best she’s looked in months! I guess living in White Oprah’s house is doing her some good. Yeah, the NYDN says that LiLo can’t even afford rent at the Y, so she’s moved back into her old room at White Oprah’s house on Long Island. QUICK! Somebody get Albert Maysles over there, because that mess sounds like the coked up, drunk version of Grey Gardens. Grey Goose Gardens!

Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Go To Jail Today

If you’re throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan’s bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you’re obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she’s a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I’m glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York,  got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie’s culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn’t licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo’s upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, “No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu.” I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo’s next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won’t face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let’s all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.

The Moment Lindsay Lohan Found Out About Her Half-Sister

If you had Good Morning America on mute while getting ready for work today, you probably thought that Amy Robach was interviewing some 60-something Boca Raton socialite about the dangers of injecting insulation foam directly into your face. That wasn’t a 60-something Boca Raton socialite, it was Lindsay Lohan who was on GMA to piss Barbara Walters off yet again.

LiLo was also on GMA to whore out the post-Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick and she talked about how she got the role. Surprisingly (served between two layers of lukewarm sarcasm), the producers didn’t go to LiLo first. LiLo went to them. Specifically, she called them all the time, hid in the bushes outside of their houses, followed their children to school and crawled into their beds at night until they finally gave in, screamed MERCY and threw the role at the bitch. The skills she learned from  stalking SamRo paid off and it got her a job.

Then Amy Robach brought up LiLo’s half-sister and ho tried to act like it was the first time she heard about this:

“I didn’t even hear that, so thanks for the news. I don’t pay attention to any of it. I don’t want to get into that. I want to stay on the positive side of things.”

Please, when Lindsay Lohan isn’t crank calling (meaning she does crank before calling) her rival Barbara Walters, she’s Googling herself. So of course this ho knew about having a half-sister, but it’s best to play dumb.

When you almost hit a baby in a stroller with your Porsche, pretend like you didn’t see it and you don’t even know what a baby looks like. When a cop finds a hot necklace in your purse, pretend that it’s not your purse and you’ll have to look up the word “stolen” in the dictionary, because you don’t even know what that means. When Amy Robach asks you about your half-sister, pretend you don’t know what she’s talking about. The Lohan family oath states that you must always share your stash with a blood relative, but if you don’t admit to having a half-sister, then technically you don’t have to share your 8-ball with her.

And there’s today’s lesson from LiLo!