When Bill Clinton shook Melania Trump’s hand before the second presidential debate last night, he probably wondered why he was suddenly hit with a major urge to fuck her blouse bow with a cigar, and now he knows why. Melania’s hot pink blouse cost $1,100, it was made by Gucci and it’s called the “Pussy-bow” shirt. Most of the time, I hate this election, but it’s beautiful moments like this that make me love it for one quick second.
And I don’t mean “came” like that. Or maybe I do. I don’t know what kind of weird kink you’re into.
“This Is What You Came For” peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US and reached the top 10 in many, many other countries. It’s become one of Calvin Harris’ biggest hits, if not his biggest. That song has approximately 3 lyrics total (including all those OooooOooooohs) and those lyrics were written by evil cornhusk doll Taylor Swift. TMZ first burped up the news this morning, and Taylor’s rep later told People that it’s 100% true. TMZ’s source (hi, Olivia Benson!) said that the song is ultimately what broke up the giraffe love between Taylor and Calvin. And Calvin had a lot to say about that and even dragged Taylor’s forever nemesis Katy Perry into it. I love it when us losers and loners get to gather around the green circle table in the corner of the junior high school cafeteria and watch as the popular kids publicly tear each other apart. It’s better than square pizza Fridays.
You can stop engraving Stephanie March’s name on the “Well, Played” trophy, because she is not taking credit for ruining her estranged husband Bobby Flay’s big day by paying a plane to fly a banner with the word “CHEATER” on it during the ceremony for his Hollywood Walk of Fame star. Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day, because you know, they just hand those out to anyone who has the cash. (Well, not anyone.) While Bobby burped up some words at the podium, a gorgeous flying bitch slap decorated the sky above him.
Stephanie March and Bobby Flay are currently shanking each other in a messy, sloppy, ridiculous divorce war. Bobby wants to give Stephanie $5,000 a month in alimony and Stephanie thinks she deserves a whole lot more. So naturally, some figured that if you took out a pair of binoculars and looked at the plane, you’d see Stephanie cackling while flipping Bobby off below. But Stephanie’s lawyer tells UsWeekly that she had nothing to do with it:
“Stephanie is absolutely not behind [this],” her attorney, Deborah Lans, tells Us Weekly in a statement.
Hiring a plane to fly a “CHEATER” banner over your cheating ex’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony is a lot like sleeping with me: one will never admit it and will take it to their grave. If Stephanie did it, she’s not going to come clean. But I don’t think she did, because I don’t think she’d fuck with her money like that. Besides, I’d like to think that she’d be a little more subtle with her acts of revenge. She’d get back at him by putting a racehorse’s head in his bed or she’d sneak into his kitchen and sprinkle laxative powder on the 100 pounds of corn he keeps in his pantry since he puts corn in everything. (Yes, the image of the aftermath of eating laxative corn just pooped into my head and that image could scare Satan.)
Hmmm… So I wonder who on this Earth, besides Stephanie March, would pull such a beautifully cunty stunt like that. I wonder….
Pics: Wenn.com, Maxim
When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.
The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.
A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?
Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.
Brody Jenner Went To Reggie Bush’s Wedding After Skipping Kim Kardashian’s Pre-Divorce Ceremony Last Month
Brody Jenner wasn’t in Italy when Lucifer’s most-prized hooker whore Kim Kartrashian married the Illuminati joker Kanye West in front of a wall of moldy cauliflower covered in yeast infection sauce last month, because he said he had already booked a DJ gig in Chicago and had to work. That excuse was hilarious, because: a) Brody Jenner is acting like he works and; b) Somebody paid Brody Jenner to hit the shuffle icon on an iTunes playlist. But at the time, “sources” said that Brody didn’t go to Kim’s latest wedding, because Kim and Kanye are shameless fame whore demons who didn’t give an invitation to Brody’s girlfriend but did give an invitation to the likes of Jaden Smith. Besides, Brody figured that once you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at one fake Kim Kuntrashian wedding, you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at all of them. Well, cut to one month later, when Brody threw up a picture on his Instagram of him and his girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter smiling at Reggie Bush’s wedding in San Diego, CA yesterday. The beautiful shade of it all.
People says that Reggie Bush married Lilit Avagyan, a professional dancer and a Kim Kardashian wax figure made out of parts discarded from a factory-defected OctoMom wax figure, at the Grand Del Mar Resort in San Diego. Lilit and Reggie started rubbing their nipples together three years ago and 14 months ago she gave birth to their daughter Briseis. The groom wore way too many clothes and the bride wore a stunningly exquisite mermaid gown that accentuated her suffocating exercise ball titties and made her look like a Reno, NV stripper turned third tier mob wife on her wedding day circa 1987.
Brody Jenner is a Summer’s Eve bottle in a curly mop and he’s never been accused of making good decisions (see: the tattoo of his last name in modern douche font), but he has redeemed himself by going to the wedding of his stepsister’s ex-boyfriend and a more elegant and natural version of her. The only way this could be better is if Annie Leibovitz took that Instagram picture. And any thing that makes Pimp Mama Kris take a moment from siphoning the innocence out of a newborn baby to scream and rage is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Here’s that Lilit trick taking her smushed chichis for a walk in Beverly Hills the other day.
When Jay-Z announced that he was going vegan for 22 days, he wrote a blog post about spirituality and numerology and plants, and then slid in an awkward footnote about Beyoncé that said: “P.S. B is joining me”. Well, it looks like he forgot to add “…but it wasn’t her idea, so she’ll fight me every step of the way” because Bey has been seen wearing as much Meat Is Murder couture as Tina can carry over in her House of Deréon-branded Chevy Astro van. Cow shirts, pizza pants, fur collars, whatever endangered animal she makes her lace fronts out of; Bey is channeling her inner Exclamation, because she’s making a statement without saying a word. And that statement is “this vegan diet is bullshit”.
Gandhioncé brought her non-violent protest to lunch with Jay-Z the other day at vegetarian restaurant Crossroads. By the way, I checked – it is NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant; go ahead and cancel those reservations. And write Britney all your letters asking her to open a Crossroads-themed restaurant (I’m sure Taryn Manning would be interested in a server position).
Beyoncé has taken civil disobedience to a whole ‘notha level; everything she’s wearing is animals. Alpaca weave, cow shirt, leather pants, leather heels; the only way she could have piled on more dead animals is if she was also wearing the minotaur head from American Horror Story: Coven. Frankly, at the rate she’s going, Bey will eventually run out of subtle animal/meat clothes to wear during her Fuck You, Jay fashion tour and start wearing actual obvious shit; cut to Day 16 when Beyoncé shows up to lunch in Blake’s bear coat from Workaholics. That’ll show him!! Nobody makes Queen B do what Queen B don’t wanna do!
(Pics via Wenn)