“I hope you nasty bitches choke on your chicken salad fo-CAAAH-ccia finger sandwiches!” No, Giada De Laurentiis would never; choking would involve swallowing, and we all know Giada isn’t familiar with that.
For the past couple of months, the caricature sketch that came to life one day has been rubbing her par-MEEE-giano pocket against a technically-still-married TV producer named Shane Farley. At the time, Giada’s rep made sure everyone knew Giada and Shane didn’t start humping each other until August, five months after he filed for divorce from his wife, personal trainer Jennifer Giamo.
Well, it sounds like Jennifer has found a shoulder to ugly cry into, and Page Six says it belongs to Stephanie March. Back in April, Stephanie called it quits with Giada’s Food Network co-star Bobby Flay, during which a couple eyes darted over to Giada in an “Are you responsible for this?” way. Giada has since gone on the record saying that she’d never fuck on Bobby Flay full-time, but that hasn’t stopped Stephanie and Jennifer from kiki-ing about Giada’s homewrecker slut ways over tea.
According to a “spy” (Page Six makes it sound so juicy), Stephanie and Jennifer had a “royal bitchfest” during high tea at the Gotham Lounge last week. The source claims there was “lots of advice and tears“, which sounds like what happens after I drag a friend to a combination KFC/Taco Bell and dump an order of popcorn chicken on my nachos bel grande.
One of the things they Jennifer was apparently crying about was the possibility of Giada making an appearance in court during their divorce proceedings. However, Page Six claims Jennifer’s lawyer has told them that his client “has elected to take the high road” and won’t be dragging Giada’s ass in. Aw, that’s too bad. I was really hoping we’d find out some dirty secrets about those two, like that their first date was at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. Although I’m pretty sure any judge with a heart would let you plead the fifth on something like that.
Bobby Flay and Stephanie March’s legal fight never reached Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of fucking insane, but it got close thanks to them fighting over a fake tit job gone wrong, a damn racehorse and much, much more. Stephanie accused Bobby in court papers of sticking his ginger rod in January Jones’ ice box and in his assistant. If Bobby and Stephanie’s divorce fight was an opera, the gorgeous aria was the “CHEATER” banner that decorated the skies during his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. Well, their divorce fight foolery is over now, because Bobby and Stephanie somehow came to an agreement and their 10 years marriage is officially done. The prenup stated that Stephanie gets $5,000 a month in spousal support for 5 years and she wanted more. TMZ says that Stephanie most likely got more than $5,000 a month, because Bobby probably wanted to avoid having the adventures of his wandering dick aired out in court. They farted out this joint statement to People:
“We have come to an amicable divorce settlement. We look forward to putting this difficult time behind us, and we ask that you respect our privacy as we move forward.”
Hmmm… Something in the milk ain’t clean about that statement. Amicable? Them? HA! People says that they released that statement together, but why do I have a feeling that one of them wrote it while standing over the other one’s dead body?
You can stop engraving Stephanie March’s name on the “Well, Played” trophy, because she is not taking credit for ruining her estranged husband Bobby Flay’s big day by paying a plane to fly a banner with the word “CHEATER” on it during the ceremony for his Hollywood Walk of Fame star. Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day, because you know, they just hand those out to anyone who has the cash. (Well, not anyone.) While Bobby burped up some words at the podium, a gorgeous flying bitch slap decorated the sky above him.
Stephanie March and Bobby Flay are currently shanking each other in a messy, sloppy, ridiculous divorce war. Bobby wants to give Stephanie $5,000 a month in alimony and Stephanie thinks she deserves a whole lot more. So naturally, some figured that if you took out a pair of binoculars and looked at the plane, you’d see Stephanie cackling while flipping Bobby off below. But Stephanie’s lawyer tells UsWeekly that she had nothing to do with it:
“Stephanie is absolutely not behind [this],” her attorney, Deborah Lans, tells Us Weekly in a statement.
Hiring a plane to fly a “CHEATER” banner over your cheating ex’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony is a lot like sleeping with me: one will never admit it and will take it to their grave. If Stephanie did it, she’s not going to come clean. But I don’t think she did, because I don’t think she’d fuck with her money like that. Besides, I’d like to think that she’d be a little more subtle with her acts of revenge. She’d get back at him by putting a racehorse’s head in his bed or she’d sneak into his kitchen and sprinkle laxative powder on the 100 pounds of corn he keeps in his pantry since he puts corn in everything. (Yes, the image of the aftermath of eating laxative corn just pooped into my head and that image could scare Satan.)
Hmmm… So I wonder who on this Earth, besides Stephanie March, would pull such a beautifully cunty stunt like that. I wonder….
Pics: Wenn.com, Maxim
When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.
The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.
A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?
Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.
While looking for pictures to go with this story about Bobby Flay’s roaming ginger dick, I pulled up this picture just as I bit into a buttered English Muffin. My dog is now enjoying a half-eaten buttered English Muffin, because I long my appetite while picturing Paula Deen’s nooks and crannies fill with freshly churned pussy butter as she got an eyeful of Bobby’s pasty goods.
If there ever was a #getmoneybitch (copyright: the most influential philosopher of our time Khia) tournament of champions, Stephanie March would definitely be in the finals, because she’s been pulling out all the stops in her fight to get more alimony cash out of Bobby Flay. She’s brought their old racehorse into the fight and claimed that he’d be nothing without her palate. InTouch Weekly (via The Daily Mail) says that Stephanie is now bringing the adventures of Bobby Flay’s freckled salchicha into it.
I really wanted to Photoshop Bobby Flay and Stephanie March onto a Kramer vs. Kramer poster with a picture of their horse in the middle, but I decided against it because I’m sure that horse wants nothing to do with this nonsense. Just when you think Bobby Flay and Stephanie March’s prenup drama couldn’t get any more fucky (see: that time Bobby brought Stephanie’s fake boobies into it), TMZ says they’re now fighting over a racehorse. A racehorse! How terribly rich of them. What’s next, a custody battle over the automatic caviar dispenser?
The reason they’ve dragged the horse into their messy divorce is this: Stephanie claims Bobby gave her a racehorse back in 2009 for their 4th anniversary. The horse, Dad’s Crazy (who is no doubt considering changing his name to Mom and Dad is Crazy as we speak), was good at being a racehorse and had won about $130,000 during his horse racing career. Eventually, Bobby decided to sell Dad’s Crazy for $60,000. Stephanie says she’s never seen any of Dad’s Crazy’s $130,000 winnings, nor a dime from the $60,000 sale, and she wants the money from her horsie, dammit!
Bobby says yes, the horse was registered in Stephanie’s name, but that’s it. He also claims he doesn’t have any of the $190,000 Dad’s Crazy made. Uh huh, sure. Someone better go check Alfred E. Neuman’s house to see if he’s holding 190 Fage-smeared stacks for his shady second cousin.
I know Stephanie is hungry for Bobby’s Food Network chef cash, but it’s getting pretty obvious that Guy Fieri has a better chance of cooking something edible than Bobby wrapping up a couple million and handing it over to his soon-to-be ex-wife. If Stephanie was smart, she’d take a cue from Law & Order and yank a #getmoneybitch story straight from the headlines. For example: we’re all familiar with the “I spilled hot coffee on myself, now give me a million dollars please” con, right? All Stephanie has to do is walk into one of Bobby’s restaurants, claim she burnt her mouth on a scalding hot chorizo, and threaten to sue his ass for $12 million in mouth damages. There, problem solved!