Last night at the Los Angeles premiere of Mortdecai, 62-year-old sexy Cialis pill Jeff Goldblum and his 31-year-old knocked-up gymnast wife Emilie Livingston decided to give everyone in attendance an eyeful of what it looks like when an old-ass dude who can still get it gets the instant horn-horns for the girl who portions out his Lipitor into his plastic 7-day pill organizer by sucking each other’s faces on the red carpet. Normally I’m all for two horny sluts going at it in public, but watching Jeff mouth-hump on Emilie is 8 shades of NO. This looks like a daddy bird feeding a baby bird, or a Werther’s Original ad gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Thankfully, an even-messier someone was able to yank our eyes away from that mess, and that someone was Gwyneth Paltrow flashing half an organic free-range cashmere-basted boob:
Mothers, lock up your billionaire investment banker sons – Sexy Single Mommy Goopy is on the prowl! And maybe it’s because I’m a little high from the 3 bowls of French Toast Crunch I ate this morning, but those freckles of Goopy’s boopy sort of look like a happy little face, right? I can practically hear it offering me a cold glass of sparkling hand-pressed Madagascar lime leaf essence.
Here’s more of Jeff Goldblum acting like the definition of a late-in-life midlife crisis, Goopy serving up some “Mommy’s still sexy, right? RIGHT???” realness, as well as human guitar pick Johnny Depp, panty-dropping Scottish DILF Ewan McGregor, and jacked Crank Yankers puppet Tracy Anderson:
WARNING: If you’re anything like me and you’ve got a weak-ass stomach that gets the wet heaves whenever gross shit is mentioned, then you might want to clear a path to the bathroom, because there’s a 50/50 chance this story will make you race for the toilet.
So, remember a couple weeks ago when Jose Canseco was cleaning his loaded guns at the kitchen table and accidentally shot off his middle finger? Jose’s girlfriend Leila Knight was worried that doctors might not be able to reattach it, but as it turns out – yeah, they could. After a couple hours in surgery, Jose was reunited with his finger! Yay! Unfortunately, the reunion wasn’t destined to be a permanent one. Jose announced yesterday on Twitter that his frankenfinger fell off in the middle of a poker game Friday night:
Ok well I might as well tell you .I was playing in a poker tournament last night and my finger fell off .someone took a video of it. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
My finger should have been amputated from the beginning. It was very loose with no bone to connect it.it was also smelling really bad. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
As if that wasn’t revolting enough, Jose also tweeted (then deleted) a picture of the stump where his finger used to be. I’ve hidden it after the cut because it’s gross as hell, but also because the stump looks like a penis.
Two weeks ago, human TruckNutz Kid Rock received a subpoena in his mail box (which is probably shaped like a stripper wearing a Budweiser bikini) asking him to relinquish the glass dildo he received from former Insane Clown Posse employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond so it can be used as evidence in the harassment lawsuit between ICP and their former publicist. The subpoena stated that Kid Rock had 14 days to say his tearful goodbyes and hand over the glass dildo to a court of law. However, its been 14 days and still no sign of the missing glass dildo. Why? Because according to Kid Rock, there is no glass dildo (at least at his house), and he’s pissed off that his good name was ever dragged into this mess.
Kid Rock didn’t have a dildo to return, but he still wanted ICP’s lawyers to get fucked, so he took to his website and wrote two beautifully eloquent letters titled “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds”. They’re both long and hard (like a glass dildo), so I’ve hidden them after the cut.
I was thinking about photoshopping a glass dildo into Kid Rock’s grimy paw, but then I realized I’ve already filled my quota of nightmares by making you picture Justin Bieber blue steel-ing it in a pair of tighty-whiteys.
Rolling Stone says that human dirty needle Kid Rock received a subpoena telling him to hand over his glass dildo after it was declared evidence in a lawsuit involving human wet garbage, the Insane Clown Posse. The subpoena states that former ICP employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond (I do not want to know how he got the nickname “Dirty Dan”) tried to give a glass dildo to former ICP publicist Andrea Pellegrini after learning that she was single. Andrea, who is suing the Insane Jagoff Posse for harassment and emotional distress, claims she didn’t want to be “Dirty Dans” slutty Cinderella, so she returned the glass dildo to sender. “Dirty Dan” claims to have then passed the unwanted glass dildo on to Kid Rock. I’m not sure why he gave it to Kid Rock, but I assume it’s because he hated him (nothing says “go fuck yourself” like giving someone a re-gifted dildo).
Kid Rock has 14 days to produce the glass dildo in court, and if he doesn’t…I dunno, maybe they’ll send a SWAT team to his house with a pack of highly-trained dildo-sniffing dogs or something. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Kid Rock; 14 days isn’t a lot of time to say your goodbyes to a beloved sex toy. Imagine if you received a letter in the mail that says you must surrender your favorite vibrator or butt plug or anal beads?? That would be heartbreaking! I’m getting all Not Without My Daughter just thinking about it. I bet that right now, Kid Rock is smuggling his dirty scum-crusted glass dildo in a hidden compartment in his suitcase as he boards a train bound for Canada. “Don’t worry, little fella. I promise, they’ll NEVER tear us apart!”
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
“Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
In preparation for her role as an anorexic and bulimic character in the upcoming film The Road Within, the spawn of Lenny Kravitz and Denise Huxtable had to make herself look as skinnay as possible, but instead of throwing on an XXXL t-shirt and pushing her shoulders forward until her collarbones looked like Angelina Jolie’s checks in Maleficent, Zoe Kravitz told Us Weekly that she lost 20 lbs by throwing clay in a blender and pulsing it on high till it resembled liquid regret:
“I did a cleanse. I tried to do it the healthiest way as possible, even though it’s not healthy to do. I ended up drinking clay, because it cleans out your body and fills you up. I was eating like a Mason jar of pureed vegetables a day and running.”
I’m no scientist (unless watching every episode of Dr. Fad counts) but I think the reason she lost all that weight was because clay is disgusting? Clay isn’t even a food – it’s what you use to make busted-looking snake pots for your mom in art class. I’m sure she got the idea to stuff her face with greasy grey sludge from her Divergent co-star, clay connoisseur Shay-Lean Woodley, but Zoe Kravitz probably could have also lost 20 lbs by taking notes from the woman who eats couch cushions on TLC’s My Strange Addiction.
And you know that somewhere in Calabasas, there’s a distraught Pimp Mama Kris huddled over the giant reserve of clay she keeps stockpiled in her basement for future upgrades to her Silly Putty-looking face, frantically trying to decide Sophie’s Choice-style whether she should keep it or feed it all to Rob Kardashian.