“Trust me, we’ll make a killing. I mean, who wouldn’t want to buy a $35 dehydrated lotus root cracker smeared with a tapenade of hand-mashed organic grass? My parched mouth is practically watering just thinking about it!”
Good news, everyone who loves gluten-free fat-free soy-free dairy-free moisture-free low-calorie food-style edible substances and has a fuckload of money burning a hole in their wallet: Gwyneth Paltrow has branched out into the pre-made food business! Gwyneth, along with the Marcie to her Peppermint Patty, Tracy Anderson, and their business partner Maria Baum have launched a food take-out company called 3 Green Hearts. I bet Goopy thought up that name during a meeting with her cardiologist. “You need to take it easy on the kale, Ms. Paltrow – your heart is almost 98% chlorophyll.”
Tracy Anderson recently told Hamptons Magazine all about their new food company and, shock of all shocks, it sounds exactly as GOOP-y as you’d imagine. It will be sold exclusively at Tracy Anderson fitness studios in the Hamptons, and eventually they want to branch out into cleaning products. Currently, 3 Green Hearts is limited to organic meals and juices, quinoa salads, kale ravioli, and dessert options that made me gag so hard, my tonsils are currently resting on my keyboard:
“I’m a major foodie so there’s also going to be frosting shots, but the frosting is made without all the processed things that really hurt us. I’ve figured out how to make the best cookies that have no gluten, no soy, no dairy, no nuts, no eggs—all the main common allergens. It’s also about me being able to settle the inflammation fire that is so many bodies.”
Forget about those gluten-free/egg-free/dairy-free chocolate chip sawdust disks, a frosting shot cooked up by the dehydrated come-to-life corn broom and her Crank Yankers puppet-looking mini-me sounds like the definition of NO. How in the organic farmer’s market HELL do you make frosting healthy? It’s butter, powdered sugar, and water. Let me guess: they take out the butter and replace it with whipped air, remove the powdered sugar and replace it with the dust brushed off a single piece of Extra sugarfree gum, and they keep the water. But because of the gum dust, they consider it to be a high-calorie “indulgence” and they’ll judge your fat ass if you buy one.
Of course, no word on whether or not Gwyneth eats 3 Green Hearts at home, but I’m going to assume that’s a hard NO. Like Gwyneth Paltrow would ever let food that came from a package and not from the hands of a $500-a-day personal chef touch her precious tongue.
Here’s Marie Callender and Mama Michelina’s snobby 1% equivalents serving up some hungry exhausted rich lady realness in Hamptons Magazine.
Pics: Hamptons Magazine