Tracy Anderson Logic: Kale Juice And Twinkies Are Basically The Same Thing

If they ever need someone to play Janice’s older, WASP-y, botox-obsessed sister in the next Muppets movie…

According to E! Online, GOOP-approved fitness gerbil (she looks like she spends 99.9% of her time running on a wheel at Petco) Tracy Anderson pulled out her Dictionary of Hyperbole during her interview with Refinery29 as she labeled our recent obsession with juicing ‘the worst thing that ever became commercialized‘. Worse than Pajama Jeans? YES WORSE THAN PAJAMA JEANS:

And that was just her intro. She went on to say: “If you’re going to drink a non-organic green juice, you might as well eat a Twinkie. Or a half a Twinkie, at least,” she said. “There’s like 80 calories in it, there’s a bunch of chemicals in it, what’s the point? The only benefit [to juice] is that it’s pre-digested and the Twinkie’s not.”

But it’s the juices long term effects that she finds to be the real problem: “They crash people’s metabolic rate,” she shares, adding: “Now, the F.D.A. says they have to be pasteurized. So, you’re drinking, basically, water that’s going to give you Type 2 diabetes, potentially,” she says.

In addition to comparing the veggie drinks to packaged dessert, she said that she is no longer is a fan of the raw vegan diet, mainly because it interfered with her reproductive system. “I wouldn’t have my daughter [if I were still on the raw diet]. I lost my period for seven months because I went raw.”

Two things she does approve of? A purely organic meal plan and daily exercise.

Please. More like What does Gwyneth approve of. [Ring ring] “Hi Tracy, It’s Gwyneth. We’re not into juicing or raw diets anymore, okay? I’ll let you know what we’re into after I come down from my ‘neutering Vanity Fair‘ high.”

I’m with Tracy, but not for the reasons you may think. I did a juice cleanse one time and it was – pardon my french – fucking bullshit. Everything I drank looked like it came from the prop room of You Can’t Do That On Television and my legs felt like feathers. Also, you know when you’re able to smell your own breath? Like you get secret whiffs of it here and there and you’re like “whoah, that’s definitely from me”? Juicing gives you that feeling all the time because it gives you OLD PEOPLE BREATH. So yes, I’d rather eat a Twinkie; it makes life less of a living nightmare.

(Pic via Wenn)

Goopy Is A “Bad Mutha” When She Raps While Cooking

“Ew, can you believe they don’t have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn’t realize we were in the ghetto, girl,” is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy’s flagship workout studio and Goopy’s blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.

Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy’s workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn’t show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can’t cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.

“He can’t have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.”

And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won’t say shit, because we’ll know what they’ve been through. We’ll know.