Lance Armstrong Admits To Oprah That He Doped Up, Because NOBODY Lies To Oprah!

When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah’s holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah’s holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.

Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo’s morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn’t tell Gayle King on air (but I’m sure she whispered it in Gayle King’s ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he “did not come clean in the manner that I expected” and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is “satisfied” with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven’s “waiting list” and won’t go directly to Hell.

Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance’s interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.

Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he’s in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he’s finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he’s been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.

What I’ve learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there’s a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I’ll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I’ll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom’s garage. Let’s do this!

Alan Rickman As Ronald Reagan

I could’ve titled this post Lee Daniels as Lee Daniels, or Oprah as 80s Della Reese, or Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan (!!!!!), but I went with Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan, because that doesn’t look like Alan Rickman at all to my eyes. But that’s Alan Rickman and he’s killing me softly with that Reagan smile.

Oprah Instagram’d pictures of everyone on the set of the new Lee Daniels movie The Butler. The Butler follows Gerard Butler after he finds a time machine and uses it to travel through the decades and fulfill his dream of boning all the First Ladies of the past. No, The Butler is about a butler who served eight presidents including Reagan. Oprah’s plays The Butler’s wife.

And I see Jane Fonda fucking with the Republicans with the power of a pair of brown contacts. (Side note: Nothing freaks me out more like seeing blue-eyed people with brown contacts).

And and, here’s another picture of a Dynasty-ized Oprah with Lenny Kravitz in their aging makeup. Lenny may or may not be playing Benson.

I still would, even more so if Lenny kept his Benson look on.

RiRi Still Loves Chris Brown

After what felt like years of promoting Oprah’s EXCLUSIVO interview with RiRi, OWN finally aired the whole thing last night and a huge chunk of it was spent on talking about the shit-filled piece of trash who nearly punched her to death on a side street in Los Angeles. As the Mighty O hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed some more, RiRi said that Chris Brown was the love of her life and she has forgiven him for Ike Turner-ing her hard. RiRi said that in forgiving Fist Brown, she also forgave her father for beating up her mom when she was a kid. Shit got so real that it made me wonder where psychotherapist/talk show host Marilyn Kagan was when we really needed her, because RiRi should’ve been sitting on a therapist’s couch and not Oprah’s couch.

The “Rage of Fist Brown” section of Oprah’s interview with RiRi was like something out of the script of a Lifetime movie starring Nancy McKeon. Here’s a few quotes:

On what her relationship with Chris Brown is like now: “We’ve been working on our friendship again. Now we’re very, very close friends. We’ve built a trust again and that’s it. We love each other and we probably always will. That’s not anything we’re going to try to change. That’s not something you can shut off if you’ve ever been in love.”

On if they’re humping on each other full-time: “No. He’s in a relationship of his own. I’m single, but we have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped. We’ve just worked on it little by little and it has not been easy. It’s not easy.”

On seeing Chris Brown’s ugly popped hemorrhoid face: “It’s awkward, because I still love him. My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it, but interpret it and understand it and understand that it’s not going to go away. That is peaceful. When you don’t understand those feelings, you can make a lot of mistakes.”

On if Chris Brown is one of the loves of her life: “Absolutely, I think he was the love of my life. He was the first love and I see that he loved me the same way. We were very young and very spontaneous. We ran free. We ran wild. We were falling in love and going at a really rapid pace and we forgot about ourselves as individuals.

On how she wants Chris Brown to be happy: “I truly love him. The main thing for me is that he is at peace. You know, I’m not at peace if he’s a little unhappy or if he’s still lonely. I care. It actually matters that he finds that peace.”

On forgiving Chris Brown: “I thought I hated Chris and I realized it was love that wash tarnished. It looked like hate, because it was ugly, angry and inflamed. It was tainted. And I realize that what it was, I had to forgive him, because I cared about him still. The minute I let go of that, I started living again.” 

“We have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped” is a line I hope I never EVER have to say to anyone including Oprah’s ass, because DAMN. (“But Michael, don’t you hope that one day you can say that after Anderson Cooper drops the restraining order he has out against you?” – you “Like that’s ever going to happen.” – me “Good point.” – you)

It’s nice that RiRi forgave Chris Brown and that her heart still poots out queefs of love in his name, but it’s kind of hard to forgive a bitch who isn’t sorry at all. If this was an interview between Oprah and Chris Brown and she asked him if he’s sorry for what he did, the next thing we’d hear is Gayle King running up with an ice pack after he headbutted Oprah for getting into his life like that. And usually headbutting an interviewer means that the answer to their question is: NO.

And here’s RiRi strolling through the airport in Tokyo the other day while looking like the member of a Midi, Maxi & Efti tribute band.

Tha FUCK Is On Tara Reid’s Feet?

SOMEONE is in serious need of a gay in their life. Here is the original Lindsay Lohan (sans the criminal record that reads like the Iliad) Tara Reid, moon-walking the WRONG way through Paris with a mystery man on her arm and a severe case of WHAT. The. Fucking. Fuck. on her feet. What is going on there exactly? Is that duct tape?

Those fUGGs look like the Terminator had sex with my third grade galoshes, and that is some sick shit that I don’t want to think about ever again. I don’t know whether to re-attach my car bumper with them (it’s a rural southern US thing, shut it) or wrap them around a baking potato. NO. I’m so messed up by her dire shoe situation I can’t even bother caring about who the new trick is. Okay, you’re right, I wouldn’t have cared anyway, but my point is that shit is distracting.

Other than the Dollar Store dented Tin Can rejects, I have to say Tara is looking pretty decent-ish here. Of course, I’m using her St. Tropez visit a couple of weeks ago as a yard stick so, basically I mean she’s standing erect and not looking like Beer Bloat Barbie.

She needs a couple of buckets of KFC and a six pack of Guiness Extra Stout (“A 6 pack? Of what, cases? What the hell are you talking about?” – Tara), but other that that she looks sober and happy. I kind of have a soft spot for her. Us drunk hoochies have to stick together, you know.

Meanwhile, In St. Tropez….

London might have the flaming Olympic cauldron, but right now St. Tropez has something even better: the twin flaming albino torches of ridiculousness known as Jedward. Dozens of hos in St. Tropez were temporarily blinded by flying gel crust and star dust when Jedward sashayed on by with America’s reigning gutter goddess Tara Reid. If the Mad Hatter served crack cakes and meth tea to Alice and Tweedledee and Tweedledum at his party, this is what the aftermath would look like.

The broken condom babies of Christopher “Kid” Reid and Robert Pattinson became friends with Tara Reid when they all did Celebrity (????) Big Brother. Yes, they are just PLATONIC friends and you can’t tell me otherwise. I refuse to believe that Jedward ran their tongues over Tara Reid’s deflated whoopee cushion stomach at the same time, because if that happened the universe would’ve barfed on this planet and drowned us all. A Jedward/Tara Reid sandwich is what you get when you order from the 9th Circle Deli deep within the colon of HELL!

And Jedward must be dumb as dick or brave as all shit if they’re hanging around Tara Reid. I mean, they’re white and powdery, and you know how Tara’s nostrils get when she’s around something that’s white and powdery. The next time we see pictures of Tara, a red sneaker will be hanging out of her nostril. Tara’s gonna snort them up.

Pimp Mama Kris Trained Her Hos Well

To save her floating turd of a network from completely sinking to the bottom of the toilet bowl, Oprah shoved herself into a full body condom and got into bed with whores. Godprah joined forces with the harlot heffas of HELL for an interview airing this holy Sunday on OWN.

I know that OWN has become that struggling, broke down, thirsty hooker who has lost its prime corner on the best part of the stroll and is now lucky to get a wooden coin for a sloppy handjob behind a Datsun parked in the alley, but has it really come to this? Was Courtney Stodden not available for an interview? Tan Mom? OctoMom? The Hot Dog Hooker? Literally ANYBODY but the Kuntrashians? How the Mighty O has fallen into the whore pit viper pit.

So far clips of the interview have been the same, re-hashed crap. Was the obviously staged wedding staged? NEVER! Is Khloe’s biological father one of the neanderthals in the Natural History Musuem? NOT! But then Oprah asked Rob and the KKKs (that sounds like the name of the #1 band in Hell) about Pimp Mama Kris’ pimping ways:

O: What do you say to people, and you’ve heard it, when people say your mother is pimping her children.

Kim: I think that’s so ridiculous.

Rob: She’s our mom.

Kim: First of all, we have to hire a manager. So regardless somebody has to get that. No one will fight harder for you than your own mother. She knows us. She knows all of our moods. Whether sometimes Khloe and her like are like ‘Mom/manager’ and they go back and forth.

O: You’re very clear on that, though. You don’t have to go back and forth. You know the line between mom and manager.

The slow pregnant one: They….work….well….really…well. *drooooooool*

Kim: We just get each other. We vibe. It works. No matter what, no one would fight harder for you than your own mother.

O: So you’ve never felt exploited by your own mother?

KKK: No, never.

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris was slightly off camera with her ho slappin’ hand up in the air and a look on her face that clearly said, “Kim, you better stick to the script, ho, or the next completely fake husband I set you up with will have a white dick!“

via E! Online