So, I Guess Tara Reid Fell Face First Off The Wagon

Although, I don’t think Tara Reid’s ass was ever on the wagon. Shit, I don’t even think she’s searched Travelocity for a wagon ticket.

The original Lohan was drunk on Wednesday night and left Emerson Nightclub looking dozed off, broke off and fifty shades of fucked up. If you put her on a sofa and scattered Funyun crumbs all over her, she’d look exactly like me on a Sunday afternoon. The Daily Mail has pictures of Tara Reid walking around the streets barefoot. I don’t know who Hazmat should visit first, her feets or the pavement. Apparently, Tara Reid gets barefoot drunk on the regular (DUH) and her friends are telling Radar that they’re worried about her. They want her to go to rehab again. One source said this:

“Last night’s episode at the Emerson wasn’t a one off. Only a few weeks ago, Tara was sat at a VIP table next to the DJ slurring her words, unsteady on her feet and propped up on a friend’s shoulder most of the night. Everyone’s really concerned for her right now and we’ve all told her that she needs to calm down with the partying.

The way Tara’s behaving at the moment, she’s going to have to head back to rehab for treatment if she doesn’t get a grip on things — and more than a few pals have told her that, but she’s just ignoring everyone and continuing to do her thing. So, for now, all we can do is keep a close eye on her, see how she is and hope that she’s just going through a phase, and she’ll come to her senses again soon enough. It’s really tragic seeing her like this – after all, she’s 37 now. It’s not cool to be seen staggering out of nightclubs at that age.”

The source can eat my drunk fart. I still have a few years before I get to 37, but if staggering out of a nightclub (or in my case, the Sizzler that’s a $10 cab ride from my apartment) isn’t cool, then I never want to be cool. And Tara Reid would’ve never gotten full Dina Lohan if Jedward were around. Looking at Jedward makes you feel like you’re jacked up on acid, so you don’t need any mind numbing substances to take you higher.

So I Guess Oprah’s A Baby Wipes User

In this promo picture for Lee Daniels’ The Butler, Terrence Howard isn’t only sniffing through the cigarette smoke to see if the beautiful scent of a freshly baby wiped ass if wafting off of Oprah, but he’s also thinking about how he wants to titty fuck her with his nose. While doing an interview with Movie Fanatic (via TMZ) for his new movie Dead Man Down, Terrence was asked what it was like working with The Mighty O on The Butler. You can practically hear Terrence’s tip get moist (sounds like this) when he creams on and on about how he got to suffocate his face on Oprah’s chichis. The inspiration for Morris Day’s character in Purple Rain lubed up Oprah’s 9″ dick of an ego with these words of praise for her beauty:

“Oprah and I had such chemistry. To be able to make out with Oprah and to have love scenes with her and those tig ol’ bitties. I mean, she’s such a lovely and voluptuous woman. She’s very, very beautiful and that was wonderful.”

Strangely enough, that’s exactly what Gayle King says when people ask her what it’s like being Oprah’s best friend.

Strangely STRANGELY enough, that’s almost exactly what Oprah says when people ask her what it was like interviewing Beyonce.

Every time Terrence speaks, I feel like I have to take a baby wipe to my brain and now I feel like I have to take a whole box to my brain after thinking about Terrence slobbering all over Oprah’s chichis. Oh, Terrence, you creepy, horny fuck, you.

Somebody Please Pull Oprah’s Lips Off Of Beyonce’s Ass

If you want to spend a piece of your President’s Day gagging and yawning at the same time, then watch Oprah munch on Beyonce’s b-hole while talking about the boring as shit Beyonce propaganda documentary Life is But A Dream on Oprah’s Next Chapter. But if you can only take so much of watching Oprah suck on Beyonce’s taint repeatedly, then go to Gawker and watch the grosses moments as put together by Rich Juzwiak. Beyonce’s ladies-in-waiting are probably still pulling fake lashes and clumps of bronzer out of her ass, because The Mighty O shoved her head all the way up there. Here’s just a few of the lines that Oprah jacked Beyonce off with. It’s the sloppiest verbal blow job I’ve ever seen:

“You are the preeminent mistress of the universe.”

“Your allure lies in the crux of the tension between hot and cool, so how do you balance that? Are you aware of that? That’s you’re hot and you’re also cool?”

“You know what I thought it was, watching you [at the Super Bowl]? I thought, ‘That is where art meets God.'”

“I always had a lot of admiration and respect for you, you know. I like dancing to the music, I like playing it when I’m working out, but after watching Life is But A Dream, I have to tell you that I came away being reminded of that line in a Maya Angelou poem that says, ‘You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N.’

“Life is But a Dream is so great that you’r enot just going to be mistress of the universe, you are now BELOVED mistress of the universe.”

Well, I guess I have to get new lines, because that is exactly what I was planning to say to Shauna Sand if I ever met her. What kind of stuff did Oprah smoke out of her bong before this interview, because damn. I know Oprah usually licks her guest’s ass, but she practically touched Beyonce’s intestines with her tongue. Beyonce looked like she was getting ready to run just in case Oprah’s tried to skin and wear her.

And Oprah needs to know that there’s only ONE mistress of the universe and her name is She-Ra!

Oh, So This Is Why Beyonce And Oprah Weren’t At The State Of The Union Address Last Night

When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren’t sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce’s HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.

I don’t know which one isn’t worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce’s pits, but there’s no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King’s freshly waxed taint (it’s just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I’m sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody’s Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we’ll all have Beyonce to thank for it.

Oprah’s Got A Face Full Of Foreskins

An anti-circumcision group based in Vancouver plans to protest in front of Rogers Arena on Thursday, because Oprah will be there for whatever reason. Glen Callender (who looks like this), founder of the Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project, is mad at The Mighty O for using and whoring out a $150-a-jar face cream that’s got foreskins in it. Oprah has been using the cream for a million years and Glen says that it’s very hypocritical of her to speak out against female genital mutilation while she’s got  blended dick hoods smeared all over her mug. (Cut to Gayle King saying, “O, honey, please wash your face. I’m not going to sit on it when it smells like foreskins.“)

Glen tells The Owen Sound Times that Oprah would never put a clitoris on her face (insert gaylekingsmirking.gif here), so why is she putting foreskins on her face?

“Imagine how Oprah would respond if a skin cream for men went on the market that was made from parts of the genitalia of little girls. That would be an outrage and rightly so. I would like Oprah to come to her senses and realize that all children have a fundamental human right to keep all their genitalia and to decide for themselves if anything gets cut off.”

SkinMedica says that they don’t exactly rip the foreskin off of men and then throw that shit into a blender. They’re not Madonna. The makers of the dick scarf cream say “they use foreskin fibroblast — a piece of human skin used as a culture to grow other skin or cells.“

Okay, whatever, I just need to say that cream is a fraud! I’ve been rubbing foreskins on my face for years and I still get breakouts and it’s starting to look like a troupe of crows Riverdanced on my eyes.

And this explains why John Travolta and Oprah are best homegirls. Oprah probably likes it when John Travolta gives her face a tongue bath for three hours straight. Kinky ass Oprah.

But More Importantly, What In The Hell Kind Of GD Set Decoration Is This?

As Gayle King gave Oprah a victory massage in her spot of choice (it’s way too late in the week for me to describe in detail what Oprah’s spot of choice is, so you decide), millions of people watched Lance Armstrong admit to being a doper and an award-winning champion liar. But as Lance barfed out the truth, I kept focusing on the shit job the set decorator did. Yes, I care about the important things. Oprah really screwed up this time, because there goes that Emmy nomination for Best Set Decoration in a Shit Show.

While watching, I kept waiting for two old ladies wearing windbreakers to walk on by, pick up a vase, look under it for the price and then scream at Oprah, “$5?! You crazy! I’ll take it off your hands for two quarters and nothing more.” Shit looked like an estate sale. What was with that shallow bowl thing? When are people going to learn that you can’t just put an empty bowl on a table and call it design. Oprah could’ve thrown some tangerines in there or if she really wanted to be a bitch, she should’ve filled it with Truck Nutz. Maybe The Mighty O had that bowl on hand, because she was going to use it to collect Lance’s nut if he refused to come clean. And that mysterious box on the table? Gayle King should’ve come out in a rhinestone gown ala Price is Right and opened it to reveal Lance’s favorite shootin’ up needle. But she didn’t. That box and that bowl were about as useless as those bendy straws. I swear, Oprah should’ve hired Sandra Lee to do the background tablescape. Anyway, enough about that. Now let’s move on to less important matters.

Lance finally admitted that starting in the 90s, he took performance-enhancing drugs including blood doping, EPO, testosterone and HGH. Lance admitted that he took them before all of seven of his Tour de France victories, but that he stopped doping in 2005. Lance also admitted to being a first-rate shit bag to anybody who outed him as a doping cheat. Lance was never afraid he’d get caught and he never thought he was going to get caught. Lance doped up, because a lot of the other cyclists were doping up and he wanted to level the playing field. Lance called himself an “arrogant prick” and said that he just got caught up in the lie and so he kept on lie-telling:

“I view this situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times. I know the truth. The truth isn’t what was out there. The truth isn’t what I said. I’m a flawed character, as I well know. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me.”

The weirdest part of the interview was when Lance told Oprah that he had called Betsy Andreu, an accuser who refused to lie for him, and said this to her:

“I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat.”

Betsy responded by saying, “Phew! I’m so glad you don’t think I’m fat, Lance. I’d rather be a crazy skinny bitch than a sane fat nicey person.” It’s nice to know that the potent drug known as CRAZY is still flowing through Lance’s veins.

And I’d like to take this time to confess to all of you that for years I’ve been using performance-enhancing drugs for bloggers like boxed wine, pocket pies and weed. Wait, or maybe those are performance-degrading drugs. I could’ve read the labels wrong.

via HuffPo