Well Played, Tara Reid

Tara Reid left a yacht party in Cannes the other night and in the old days this sentence would end with “and by ‘left’ I mean she jumped overboard after mistaking the ocean for a giant bowl of vodka.” But it’s a new day and it’s a new Tara Reid! Tara Reid left the party holding on to the hand of 60-year-old Fawaz Gruosi, the founding president of a fancy jewelry company called de Grisogono. Now everyone (read: HuffPo, a few obscure European papers who still care about Tara Reid and me) is saying that Tara got herself a sugar daddy. To which I say, YAAAASSSSS!

Tara’s love life has been pretty bleak as of late. Last year, Tara’s 3-second-long fake marriage to some businessman ended after they found out the union was not legal, because the gin bottle that married them was not a registered officiant! Before that, Michael Assman and Tara Reid canceled their wedding plans after he found out that the bulge in her shorts was just saggy skin meat from her botched lipo job and not a fat peen. But now, Tara is finally doing shit right by looking for love in all the rich places. Tara was headed straight for a life of running out of truck stop bars to barf out bottom shelf whisky onto a cigarette can and now she’s headed straight for a life of running out of 5-star restaurants to barf out Dom onto the shoes of her chauffeur.

And Fawaz has a case of the Ceiling Eyes, which means he’ll probably never get a good look at her open-faced lasagna stomach. Tara did good!

American Mess Meets Irish Messes

Last night in Hollywood was the big premiere for Tara Reid’s grand return to the silver screen and she brought her “Celebrity” Big Brother housemates and fellow messes Jedward as her escorts. Yes, Tara looks like a malnourished, self-tanner-addicted 50-something soap actress who has just come off the set after playing a ghost in a dream sequence, but she’s free of barf stains, whiskey spots and a European husband who’s only using her for a green card, so I’d say she looks good! Or maybe I’m only saying that because I’m temporarily blinded by the bright shiny glitter rays shooting off of those twin Edward Cullen troll doll pencil toppers. (Note: That is the only time I will ever refer to Jedward as “tops.”)

Every time I see a picture of those twin spaz brooms, I want to smash Ritalin pills into my eyes, because they just can’t have a seat. They’re always jumping. They’re always screaming. They’re always freaking out like vibrators on meth. Hopefully, they calmed down after they came down with instant lead poisoning from kissing on the orange paint slathered on Tara’s face.

Here’s some more hos from last night’s American Reunion: WE’RE ALL OLD premiere. In order: Tara with Jedward, Jason Biggs with his wife, Jason with Eddie Kaye Thomas and John Cho, Jennifer Coolidge giving us BODY, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein (looking like a coked up insurance salesman), Natasha Lyonne, Sean William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas with date and Mena Suvari.

Rosie’s Staffers Were Terrorized

The Daily Beast has a loonnnggggg article about why Rosie O’Donnell’s show on Oprah Winfrey’s network of spiritual guidance failed. Reasons include Rosie not being a good fit for the channel, a bad time slot, no one was sure what the show’s format should be, celebrities wouldn’t come to Chicago to get their publicity cocks sucked, etc.

The frowny revelation is that Rosie still has a big ole’ temper when shit doesn’t go well and will publicly lash the fuck out at you in front of the rest of the staff. She will make you cry and confound you because you had heard that lesbians were really nice what with the dogs and the Home Depot love and everything.

Rosie filmed in Oprah’s old studio, and many of The Rosie Show staff were made up of O’s old crew. Those special people have been touched by an angel and ascended to a higher level than the rest of us. But that don’t mean dick to Ro.

From the Beast:

Several staffers were very upset when O’Donnell clashed with Winfrey’s longtime director Joe Terry. People thought she humiliated him when she scolded him in front of a live audience for using the wrong camera shots, suggesting he didn’t know what he was doing. She fired Winfrey’s stage manager because she felt like he was ignoring her and not doing his job properly. But some of her biggest fights were with “the games department.” She couldn’t decide what she wanted—The Price Is Right, physical games, or trivia—and was constantly belittling the people who worked on them.

Rosie also reportedly treated her band leader lady like shit because she couldn’t immediately play obscure Broadway numbers like the band was Tom Cruise’s iPod. Ugh. She also didn’t personally tell her staff that the jig was up because she’d already driven her hog (you decide what kind I’m referring to) back to New York City and was trying to get the role of Miss Hannigan in a revival of Annie.

I met Rosie once. She was big and butch (bike shorts/Tevas/lots of tattoos) and I was nervous she would put me in a headlock. She read as a nice lady, but I wasn’t on her payroll. Remember when she accused one of the staffers at her magazine of lying and told her that “liars get cancer”? This is not a bitch you want your cubicle near.

And that’s it for me. Thank you to the exquisitely slutty Michael K for letting me help out again! Tramp ass.

Gaga Told Oprah That She’s Through Giving Interviews, Wants Kids

Oprah Winfrey’s “Support OWN So I Don’t Have To Put On A Reality Show Where Gayle And I Go To Work As Colonic Irrigation Technicians” campaign is picking up steam. Following up her kinda predatory-in-the-timing interview with Bobbi Kristina, God went to Gaga’s mom’s place and spoke to mother and attentionsuck.

Gaga sez her creative process involves her closing herself off from the world (*eye-roll*) and then informed O that this would be her last interview during her Born This Way Ball Tour (ugh, please edit that title).

“No press, no television, if my mom calls and says, ‘Did you hear about …’ I shut it all off … I don’t read a damn thing,” Gaga claimed. There is no way this one shuts off her Watchmen multimedia wall globally attuned to every little mention of her. She’s got a @ladygaga Twitter feed that runs inside her eyelids.

And the big funny statement:

“Other than this interview, Oprah, I do not intend to speak to anyone for a very long time.”

*chortle* Does anyone else envision Michael K. dancing a gay little jig over that statement? Uh, actually those are just booze-induced seizures.

This ain’t gonna happen, by the way. Ms. Germanotta gave imaginary interviews in her nappies. Gaga without a camera in her face and a mike in her mouth is like like Lohan without courthouse camera clicks or cocainya. It would be a horrible Trainspotting-esque withdrawal scene for both of them. Gaga’s real hair might actually grow back if she stopped giving interviews.

Oh, and she also says that she wants kids. She wants enough for “a soccer team”. The kid playing goalie is gonna look sorta weird with glass dildo cleats.

Oprah Fired Rosie

Smiles lie. Our Supreme Ruler and Goddess Messiah (Oprah Winfrey) is going to have to throw a damn rent party soon. Nothing’s working! Winfrey announced today that she won’t be requiring Rosie O’Donnell’s services anymore, and hasn’t renewed The Rosie Show for a second season. O’Donnell is packing up her clog collection and lumbering back to NYC.

EW:

“I thank Rosie from the bottom of my heart for joining me on this journey,” said Oprah Winfrey in a statement. “As I have learned in the last 15 months, a new network launch is always a challenge and ratings grow over time as you continue to gather an audience. I’m grateful to Rosie and the dedicated Rosie Show team for giving it their all.”

Rosie might be a mouthy occasional psycho, but she’s no fool. She realizes that Oprah isn’t as forgiving as Barbara Walters. O would have her killed if she got hainty about getting axed in public.

E!:

“I loved working with Oprah in the amazing city of Chicago,” O’Donnell said in a statement. “I was welcomed with open arms and will never forget the kindness of all I encountered. It was a great year for me—I wish the show was able to attract more viewers—but it did not. So I am headed back to my home in New York—with gratitude. On we go!”

The Rosie Show, which dropped from a viewership of 500,000 for the premiere episode down to an average of 230,000, was taped in O’s old studio ( aka Little Medjugorje). They shot around the mystical healing fountain that sprung up on Oprah’s last day. Many are the global pilgrimages undertaken to partake of its soothing and holy waters.

Oprah’s second coming isn’t working out like she planned. Did anyone else notice her slinking up to people’s cars at the Twitter intersection during the Grammys and asking “hey baby, you wanna party?” for ratings? It’s serious when Oprah is panhandling on social media platforms.

As for Rosie – she’s got this chick grimly picturing Range Rovers and Birkin Bags as she laps at O’Donnell’s other “O”. So Rosie’s fine.

In Case You Missed It, Oprah Talks To Bobbi Kristina

Some said that it was way too soon for Oprah to interview Bobbi Kristina, but O’s response was that she only did so to show the world the real Nippy. Can somebody lend me their eyeballs, because mine just rolled right out of their sockets (thank everything for Braille keyboards) after Oprah said that shit. O, please, that interview was a bailing bucket scooping water out of the sinking ego ship that is the S.S. OWN.

Anyway, Bobbi Kristina said that the day before Nippy floated up to heaven (where the angels can pop a stubborn doody bubble with a simple air kiss blown to the butt), she slept in her mother’s arms for hours. A day after Whitney’s death, Bobbi Kristina couldn’t bring herself to go back to her mother’s house in Atlanta until Nippy’s voice told her it was okay. Since then, the spirit of Nippy has stayed with Bobbi Kristina and even turns on the lights for her like a paranormal Clapper.

“Especially throughout the house, lights turning off and on. And I’ll say, ‘Mom, what are you doing?’

I can hear her voice in spirit talking to me, ‘Keep talking to me. I got you.’ She’s always with me. I can always feel her. I can always feel her with me. She always asked me,’Do you need me?’ And I caught myself, out of nowhere, I didn’t even know I said it, I said, ‘I’ll always need you.’ ”

Bobbi Kristina plans to continue her mother’s legacy (insert the joke that I KNOW is in your head here) by singing, acting, dancing and starting a foundation for doody bubble sufferers everywhere. TMZ says that Bobbi Kristina is also planning to shit the “Brown” out of her name and legally change it to Kristina Houston.

I totally take comforting in knowing that there’s a mansion in Atlanta where I can close my eyes and open my ears to hear the ghost of Nippy screaming “KIZZ MY AZZ” through the halls, but Oprah and Bobbi Kristina didn’t talk about the number one question that floated in my head while watching this shit. That question was: Why the fuck did this interview take place in the damn kitchen?! And don’t answer with another “mmm hmmmm mmm,” Oprah!

via People