Category: Shut Your Hole
Shailene Woodley Wonders What It’s Like Kissing Her Own Brother
I hope foraged berries and squirrel saliva can properly kill hoof parasites or else the poor soul behind Shailene Woodley during pre-dawn forest meditation/yoga class is not going to appreciate having her hookworm sores shoved into their face while they’re both doing the Warrior III pose.
Seen above walking barefoot on the dirty, nasty sidewalks of NYC after the Met Gala, the moonchild Jennifer Lawrence and noted non-feminist is still out there mouth shitting all sorts of foolery. In that Fault in Our Stars movie, Ansel Elgort plays Shailene’s piece and in that Divergent movie he plays her brother. The Hollywood Reporter says that during a Q&A after a screening of Fault in Our Stars, the Diva Cup-wearing, bark-chewing soul child of the sun joked that it wasn’t that hard kissing a dude who’s played her brother before, because she’s thought about what it would be like to Angelina Jolie her own brother.
“It wasn’t that weird because I’ve always sort of wondered what it’d be like kissing my brother,” she joked at first — to which Nat Wolff said, “That’s the best answer ever!”
Sure, sure, we can say that Shailene was joking, but this bitch has said a lot of jacked-up shit she wasn’t joking about. Shailene has said that she’s not a feminist, because she loves men and that letting the sun’s rays finger fuck your cooch is only a good thing. She wasn’t joking when she said any of that. Bitch is crazy. So Shailene’s brother is probably going to protect his mouth by smearing processed sugar and preservatives all over his lips whenever he sees her, because he’s not about to be one-half of the Godspell version of St. Angie and James Haven.
Shailene was also on Letterman last night where she once again talked about how much she loves eating clay. If she could, she’d eat clay all the time. She’d always have clay on her tongue. She can’t get enough of clay. Surprisingly, Clay isn’t her brother’s name.
Jenny McCarthy Says She’s Not Anti-Vaccine
America’s Surgeon General (in her air-filled head) and Kristin Cavallari’s anti-vaxxing hero Jenny McCarthy has shat up book after book about how her son Evan got autism from vaccines and she “healed” his autism with a gluten-free diet or whatever. If you need to be reminded about the anti-vaccine fuckery that has spilled out of the talking anus slit on Jenny’s face, here’s what she said to CNN a few years ago:
“People are also dying from vaccinations. Evan, my son, died in front of me for two minutes. You ask any mother in the autism community if we’ll take the flu, the measles, over autism and day of the week. I think they need to wake up and stop hurting our kids.”
But now, Jenny has jumped on her damage control bike and is back peddaling in an op-ed piece for The Chicago-Sun Times. Jenny still believes that doctors shot her son up with autism, but she writes that she’s never hissed at vaccines the way all of us hiss at her when she opens up her mouth. Jenny writes that she sits in the “gray zone” and she’s not totally against vaccines:
I am not “anti-vaccine.” This is not a change in my stance nor is it a new position that I have recently adopted. For years, I have repeatedly stated that I am, in fact, “pro-vaccine” and for years I have been wrongly branded as “anti-vaccine.”
My beautiful son, Evan, inspired this mother to question the “one size fits all” philosophy of the recommended vaccine schedule. I embarked on this quest not only for myself and my family, but for countless parents who shared my desire for knowledge that could lead to options and alternate schedules, but never to eliminate the vaccines.
She went on to spit out something that proves my scientific theory that massive amounts of Botox can eat the memory chip in a ho’s brain:
This is what I believe:
I believe in the importance of a vaccine program and I believe parents have the right to choose one poke per visit. I’ve never told anyone to not vaccinate. Should a child with the flu receive six vaccines in one doctor visit? Should a child with a compromised immune system be treated the same way as a robust, healthy child? Shouldn’t a child with a family history of vaccine reactions have a different plan? Or at least the right to ask questions?
I will continue to say what I have always said: “One size does not fit all.” God help us all if gray is no longer an option.
Translation: “Rolling with the anti-vaxxers was fucking with my money.”
So for years, Dr. FakeTits McAntiVax here has been screaming about how vaccines are the devil’s jizz and now she’s suddenly anti-vax lite. Okay, bitch. But Jenny better watch it, because if she then writes an op-ed piece about how she doesn’t think vaccines gave her kid autism, she’s totally going to get fired from The View. Because The View wants nothing to do with women who don’t spit out batshit craziness.
Here’s Jenny peddling some canned drink in NYC the other day.
Kanye Is Krying Again: Take 2,459,093,984
Nervous giggling is pretty much what came out of the chapped whine hole on Kanye West’s face when Charlamagne Tha God spit truth bomb after truth bomb at him during an interview The Breakfast Club a few months ago. Charlamagne stamped the word “HYPOCRITE” on Kanye’s forehead and told him that the video for “Bound 2” was like wet shit splattered on a green screen. Kanye didn’t even look at Charlamagne and when he wasn’t giggling nervously, he kind of spoke calmly for once and didn’t shout out a rant. Kanye did what forest rangers tell you to do when you come across a rabid Khloe Kardashian in the wild. You don’t make eye contact and you don’t make any sudden moves. But I guess Charlamagne wasn’t at Kuntye’s show in University Park, PA last night. Because Kanye suddenly had something to say and screamed so loud that he burnt the tips of Kendall Jenner’s nips in NYC.
While dressed like the member of the most annoying cult ever (or like a chorus member in a low-budget community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar), Riccardo Tisci’s special Valentine punched the pause button on his performance of “Touch The Sky” to bust out another toddler tantrum that Justin Bieber’s au pair usually hears when she forgets to pour the codeine in his SpongeBob sippy cup full of Fanta.
Today is not the day, so I’m not going to transcribe all the shit nuggets of rage that shot out of Kanye’s mouth, but here’s a few quotes. I did them ALL-CAPS-style, because it’s the only way.
IF I GO TO A RADIO INTERVIEW SHUT THE FUCK UP!
IF YOU’RE ON YOUR TALK SHOW AT NIGHTTIME SHOWING A PICTURE OF ME WALKING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WE THINKING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE! WE THINKING ABOUT BEY-TOE-VEN!
2013! SPOOFING AND TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT WHAT WE DO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THE PAST 10 YEARS OF YOUR PAST MOTHERFUCKING LIFE? CHARLAMAGNE! SWAY! THE FUCK YOU DID?
I AM YEEEEEEEZUS!
When the crowd starting chanting “Yeezus” (which still sounds like a cutesy named you’d give your yeast infection), it was like watching a sermon at a fucked up cult. Pass me the donation basket, because I’d like to drop a clue and a tranquilizer disguised as a Skittle in there. But I guess all those people got what they paid for. When you go to a Kanye show, you expect to see him dressed like a citizen of Tatooine and you really expect him to split your last nerve with his screaming.
I bet every poor dog wearing a shock collar within a ten mile radius of that show hates Kanye a little something extra today, because when he started screaming like an extra mad Cartman, they got zapped to hell and back.
via Vibe
Kirk Cameron Calls The Grammy Mass Wedding An “All Out Assault On Traditional Family,” Wants You To Buy His Shitty Movie
I wasn’t completely sure how to feel about the Grammys. Did I love it? Did I hate it? Was I “meh” about the whole circle jerkiness of it all? But now that Kirk Cameron has spoken, I know how to feel. I loved all 10 hours of it! Because if it makes Kirk Cameron seethe and clench his evangelical b-hole while covering his children’s innocent Christian eyes, then it only can be right!
I know this is a shocking turn of events, but the loneliest loner at his conference room birthday party wasn’t waving a rainbow flag while singing along to “Same Love/Open Your Heart” as Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert and Boss Hogg on internet-bought estrogen performed in front of 33 gay, lesbian and straight couples who just got married. Kirk considered the mass wedding as a direct assault on “traditional families.” You know, kind of like how some of us consider Kirk Cameron’s entire existence as a direct assault on humanity. Kirk scooted his ass over to Facebook to scream about how the Grammy fired a shot directly into the crotch of the “traditional family” and he’s ready to fight…. and then he also used the time to whore out his latest assault on TV screens: his piece of shit family-friendly movie.
You know Kirk’s b-hole got the drips when he typed “thick and dark.”
I believe Kirk when he says that Fireproof saved marriages and brought couples closer together. Because when they watched it together, they bonded over their mutual hate of that shitty puddle of trash. I’m sure Mercy Rule will do the same thing for families! Kirk is wrong about the Grammys assaulting the “traditional family,” though. I know many “traditional families” and some of them fucked themselves up on their own long before Macklemore’s Grammy performance.
Kirk can go and eat a foot-long Subway sub full of anuses, but I will agree with him about one thing. Lines were drawn thick and dark at the Grammys:
And it was stunning.
Brandi Glanville Wishes She Was Molested As A Child
Brandi Glanville knows that her relevancy is powered by the dumb shit foolery that comes out of her mouth and the more shocking the verbal dingles that come out of her mouth are, the more attention she’ll get. So Brandi decided to really go for it and turn the fuckery switch all the way up. On her podcast Brandi Glanville Unfiltered (via Radar), the melting wax puppet joked about how she wishes she was child touched when she was a little girl. (Woody Allen, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile all just “liked” the Brandi Glanville Facebook fan page.)
Brandi had comedians Don Jamieson and Jim Florentine on her podcast show and I guess Jim regularly jokes about molestation and how a pedo tried to touch him when he was 14. The mother of two little boys, who isn’t a comedian, decided to get into the child abuse jokes game and said that she was sad when a pedo principal molested her sister and not her. Err…..
Brandi: I was actually stalking you online, Jim, and we have something in common. Yeah, I too wanted to be molested by a child and wanted to be passed up.
Jim: Really? What happened? I was an altar boy, so…
Brandi: Well, I was in Lutheran school, so…
Jim: But they didn’t really go after the girls too much, though.
Brandi: They did! My sister got felt up.
Jim: By?
Brandi: By a principal. But nothing from me. He didn’t look at me sideways.
Don: Did you feel hurt by that?
Brandi: Yeah. Now looking back, I’m super-bummed. I was thinking, “All this and nothing?” Super-hot and they passed me up!
After Brandi got shit for that shit, she tweeted this, which really doesn’t explain anything:
I was interviewing stand up comedians for my podcast! . Had to go through their stand up routines to know what 2 talk about!
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) January 16, 2014
And since LeAnn Rimes always has to up a bitch, expect her to quit her yodeling job to become a full-time altar boy in a Catholic church.
UPDATE: Brandi is sowwy if she offended you.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone with @Mrjimflorentine @PodcastOne interview My show is a COMEDY based entertainment show for adults I'm sorry
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) January 16, 2014
A Large Shot Of DUH: Dennis Rodman Admits He Was Wasted Out Of His Mind During That CNN Interview
A flood of hot, wet, sticky DUHs hit my face today when I read the apology that Dennis Rodman shat out for freaking out on Chris Cuomo during an interview with CNN on Tuesday. The future Mrs. Kim Jong Un exploded into a tornado of douche water and incoherentness when Chris Cuomo asked him if he was going to bring up Kenneth Bae with his North Korean BFF. In a statement released through his publicist (who obviously wrote it for him), Dennis apologizes to Kenneth Bae’s family and says that he was drunk and dealing with a shit load of stress. Another proud graduate of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab….
“I want to first apologize to Kenneth Bae’s family. I want to apologize to my teammates and my management team. I also want to apologize to Chris Cuomo. I embarrassed a lot of people. I’m very sorry. At this point I should know better than to make political statements. I’m truly sorry. Some of my teammates were leaving because of pressure from their families and business associates. [My dream of] basketball diplomacy was quickly falling apart. I had been drinking. It’s not an excuse but by the time the interview happened I was upset. I was overwhelmed.”
Is Dennis Rodman still in North Korea? If he is, then things are going to be awkward between him and his best bitch Kim Jong Un during their final candlelit, champagne dinner together. Kim Jong Un isn’t going to be happy that his homegirl is apologizing to the family of one of his prisoners. It’ll be like that episode of The Bachelor when one of the Bachelor’s final hos nervously waits to see if he’s going to invite her to the Fantasy Suite or not. Except, Dennis is going to nervously sit there waiting to see if Kim Jong Un is going to send him to a prison camp or not. No. Never. They’re going to cuddle and watch Safe Haven instead.
(Pic via AP)