The Kanye West Deposition Konfessions, Take 2: Kanye Says The Paparazzi Are Worse Than The Nazis

And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).

Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: “I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:

“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”

Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:

“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”

I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:

“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her?  Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”

Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.

Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape

One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent

“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”

Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.

And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.

And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”

Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s That Video Of Justin Bieber Singing Out The N-Word And Joining The KKK

So that video of the Canadian toddler demon joyfully yodeling out a “parody” of his song “One Less Lonely Girl” called “One Less Lonely Nigger” in front of a recording camera? No, The Sun didn’t pull it out of their asses. It exists and Justin Bieber’s temporary damage control headquarters TMZ posted it, because he wanted them to. Justin Bieber wanted to own up to it…. 5 years later…. and after The Sun posted a story about it… and someone tried to get money out of him for it.

In a scene that looks straight out of One Night with The David Duke Beaver Choir, a 15-year-old Justin Bieber yodels out the slur over and over again before singing about joining the Ku Klux Klan. The piss bucket in a hair helmet did it all in front of a recording camera, because he got his smarts from his brain-dead parents. Speaking of, a lady can be heard giggling in the background and I’m pretty sure it’s his mom. Hi, Pattie Mallette, A+++ parenting as always.

The Biebs’ people tell TMZ that years ago, he told his “mentors” Usher and Will Smith about the videos and told them he regretted spewing out all that racist fuckery. Usher showed the Biebs some historically racist videos to educate him and it obviously worked!

TMZ also says that two months ago, some dude who once worked on a Bieber video tried to sell the racist videos back to him. The dude wanted $1 million and later dropped his price to $500,000, but Bieber’s people farted him away, because they didn’t think the videos would do that much damage.

Here’s the video that the entire Bieber family “awwwws” at in unison while watching home videos on his born day:

It goes without saying, but Janelle Ambrosia Salad’s got a new favorite song to strip for cops to during her Saturday morning shift at the club.

In “The Opposite Of Shocking” News, Justin Bieber Caught Mouth Farting Out A Racist Joke When He Was 15

Last night, The Sun posted of video for their paying customers of the corroded dingle clinging to Canada’s longest ass hair spewing out a dumb racist joke in front of a camera. This morning, TMZ also threw up the video and bragged that they’ve been sitting on it for 4 years, but since they’re the sheer definition of restraint, they didn’t post it, because that popped asshole wart was only 15 at the time and apparently told his friends he regretted telling that stupid ass joke. But thanks to The Sun, we can now watch the dried vomit nugget with a guinea pig combover dribble out a racial slur.

TMZ says that the clip below was shot when the Biebs was 15 during filming for his biopic documentary thing called Never Say Never (alternate title: So THIS Is What Happened To Rosemary’s Baby). Before the clip starts, the Biebs asks, “What’s the most confusing day for black people?” When the clips starts up, he says, “Father’s Day.” The Biebs mistakes the sound of crickets for the sound of non-stop laughter, so he decides to keep the laughs coming and tells another joke while a girl sitting next to him texts the words, “PLEASE KILL ME NOW,‘ to anybody who will listen. The Biebs asks, “Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?” and even though somebody in the room says, “Don’t say it,” he says, “Run-nigger-nigger-run...” A lady, who some say is his mom, pipes in after the punchline with, “You can say ‘motorcycle’ too.” So I guess Jesus hates abortions, but loves those racist jokes.

The Biebs hasn’t said shit about this yet, but it’s Sunday, so I’m sure he’s still sleeping off his sizzurp hangover while sucking on a pacifier in his crib. But Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard Kenny Hamilton, who’s black, said on Twitter that he is not a racist. The Beibs’ PR team shouldn’t even bother with a statement, because we all know it’s going to look something like this:

“I apologize to anyone who was offended by the video of me telling a distasteful joke when I was 15 years old. I was younger then, didn’t know any better and didn’t have a PR team to tell me not to say any racist jokes in front of a camera that’s recording. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. Some of my best friends are black. I am grown now and know not to say that word in front of a camera that’s recording. Besides, if I did say that word now, it’s okay, because I’ve been given a pass by the black community.”

And then that grown adult, will guzzle down the rest of the purple drank in his sippy cup, pull down his sagging leather culottes, take a dump in a barback’s bin, pull up his sagging leather culottes and jump on his Big Wheels to find a wall to graffiti on.

Charlize Theron Compares Gossip About Her Life To Rape

Those of you who have your pitchforks out in front of America’s bravest war hero Goopy Paltrow’s house for saying that reading mean comments about her on the Internet is like being a war, there’s been a change of plans. Type “from Goopy’s house to Charlize’s house” into your GPS and take your pitchforks to Charlize Theron’s house!

During an interview for A Million Ways To Die In The West with Sky News, the interviewer kind of set Charlize up when he said that he Googled her name before their interview and most of the stories that came up were about her personal life and not about her career. The interviewer said that the headlines felt “intrusive” to him. Charlize took the bait and ran with it and said that reading gossip about herself makes her feel like she’s been raped. Oh, Charlize, you gorgeous brain dead dumb fuck, take it away:

“I don’t [Google myself], so that’s my saving grace. I think it’s when you start living in that world and doing that, that you start, I guess, feeling raped. Well, you know, when it comes to your son and your private life, maybe that’s just me. Some people might relish in all of that stuff, but there are certain things in my life that I think of as very sacred and I’m very protective over them. That doesn’t mean that I always win that war, but as long as I don’t have to see that stuff or read that stuff or hear that stuff, then I can live with my head in a clear space. It’s probably a lot healthier than living in that little dark room.”

And she also compared gossip to WAR. BURN HER AT THE STAKE!

Publicists should really tell their clients that to be safe, if they’ve never been raped, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being raped. If they’ve never been in the holocaust, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to the holocaust. If they’ve never been in a war, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being in a war. It’s easy. We all would’ve said, “aaaah, that makes sense,” if Charlize said that reading gossip about herself online is a lot like boning Sean Penn while sober during the daylight hours. It makes you feel sad and gross inside.

And Charlize, Goopy Paltrow, Johnny Depp and Kristen Stewart should really start a support group. #YesAllCelebrities

Here’s Charlize, her son and the Sean Penn (working the hobo Alfalfa look) at LAX last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow

Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.

Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!

“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”

Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.

“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”

Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):

“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”

Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.

via HuffPo & Lainey Gossip