Category: Shut Your Hole
Will Everyone Stop Protesting, LeAnn Rimes Is Trying To Be Sexy Over Here!
If you hated yourself enough to watch NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller last night, you probably wondered if it was the sweet nectar talking or did that gold Prometheus statue really roll his eyes during LeAnn Rimes’ performance. He did. Even he couldn’t take LeAnn Rimes trying to bring some “sexed up cabaret singer at a country club lounge” glamour during her performance.
The Squinting Chanteuse yodeled out the children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” (Side note: When LeAnn sings that song, “hippopotamus” is definitely a euphemism for something else) during the show and about 110 seconds into it, she opened up her coat and revealed her bootleg Madonna circa 1990 outfit. The pin-up Grinch went on to holler out more musical notes as she flashed her thigh highs and jiggled those chichis for the children. Sarah Palin might want to move the battle lines to LeAnn’s house, because this is definitely a declaration of war on Christmas:
That performance was probably a joy for LeAnn and LeAnn alone, but her joy was short-lived.
Are You A Lady? Kirk Cameron Says You’ll Have A Merrier Christmas If You Spend It In The Kitchen
Kirk Cameron, the talking dookie that came to life one day when Ned Flanders took a dump in an enchanted toilet, is currently pimping out his latest film Saving Christmas, which means that he’s super into the Christmas spirit right now. And recently, he uploaded a video to Facebook with some advice for women – sorry, “moms or wives” – on how to squeeze the maximum amount of joy out of your loved ones this holiday season. It’s super easy! All you need to do is lock yourself inside your house and turn it into a gingerbread-scented manger-blasted Christmas wonderland!
“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you are the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember the joy of the mom is her children’s strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way you decorate your home this Christmas in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”
You hear that ladies? When your man has finished off the last of the donkey chow (there were no puppies in Bethlehem) and you can’t find the goddamn pickle forks for the gherkin nativity and Kaidyn just knocked over your 3-wick Bath & Body Works Winter Candy Apple candle, spilling hot wax all over your festive DIY 8lb 6oz Newborn Baby Jesus throw pillows, simply stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath, and sing-scream “JOOOOOOY TO THE WOOOOORLD” at the top of your lungs for all to hear. Let everyone share in your endless joy this Christmas!
And Just Like That, Millions Of Christians Decide To Convert To Atheism
After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ – Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)
Lindsay Lohan Personally Handled Whitney Houston’s Body Bag, So Says Lindsay Lohan (UPDATE)
UPDATE: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office tells TMZ that LieLo is lying. Whitney was never in a body bag and nobody from the probation department went near her body. So throw this one on the mountain of crack delusions from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.
It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.
When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:
The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”
I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.
To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ’em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.
Pics: Splash
CeeLo Green Wet Farted Up Another Non-Apology After His Show On TBS Got Canceled
One snot bubble of a non-apology wasn’t enough for CeeLo Green, so he snorted out a second snot bubble of a non-apology.
The chunky Ghoulie found himself neck deep in a whole lot of cold shit the other day when he told his Twitter followers that it’s not rape if the person is unconscious and doesn’t remember it happening. Those diarrhea-embedded tweets came out of CeeLo after he pleaded “no contest” to one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. The woman he drugged claims he also raped her, but he’s always denied that. The day after CeeLo schooled everyone on the definition of rape, TBS canceled his reality show The Good Life and a source claims that the cancellation has nothing to do with the smegma he spewed and they had already planned to throw his show in a grave before he said that shit. Sure they did.
After his show was killed, the diabolical bowling bowl once again went into damage control mode and tried to tweet another apology, but this “sorry, not sorry” pile of vomit came out instead:
“Comments attributed to me on Twitter…” That’s a new one. Wait, is that CeeLo’s way of saying that he doesn’t remember tweeting that shit? Well then, those tweets never happened and let’s all move along. Because dumbasses who tweet stupid crap about rape REMEMBER.
CeeLo Green Doesn’t Know How Rape Works
A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded “no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.
Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.