Pat yourself on the taint and collect your winnings if you guessed “3 months TOPS” in the “How long before Preserve.us completely fists itself in the ass without lube?” office pool. In Preserve’s defense, it took Dlisted 2 days to do that.
On Monday, Gawker called out Blake NotSoLively and her answer to GOOP, Preserve.us, for their tone-deaf fashion spread titled “Allure of Antebellum.” No, the spread wasn’t filled with a rich plantation owner’s wife in a hoop skirt and wide-brimmed hat sipping sweet tea as her slave fanned her. The spread featured pictures of a Blake look-alike in crap clothes you could buy from Talbots. The pictures are pretty harmless by themselves (except for those overpriced ass clothes), but Gawker called them out for romanticizing the Antebellum South and calling it a time of “beauty and grace” while leaving out all that slavery stuff. Basically, in Blake’s mind that era was just like Gone with the Wind. And with that, Paula Deen totally wants to get naked, lube Blake’s mind up with butter and make sweet, sweet love to it.
TLC, the modest and chaste Christian musical group who had a wholesome hit song about eating that pussy while on the rag shook their heads at RiRi for constantly using sex and her bare alien nipples to sell her music. During an interview with the Australian talk show Sunrise on Channel 7 (via Entertainmentwise), the topic of RiRi’s always out there nipples came up and T-Boz said this:
“Every time I see you, you don’t have to be naked. It’s easy to sell sex. It’s hard for us to say anything because any time we do, they say, ‘Oh TLC must be jealous’, but I call a spade a spade.”
Chilli jumped in and added that they got to the top without putting their “booby cakes” on display and now I suddenly want to put my mouth on a marzipan nip:
“We became the biggest girl selling group of all time with our clothes on and that says a lot. We could go around too with booby cakes out all day long.”
Just like her nipples, RiRi doesn’t keep her opinions about hos hating on her to herself. RiRi clapped back at T-Boz and Chilli by changing her Twitter background to a picture of T-Boz giving herself hand pasties.
And by twatting out this:
First of all, T-Boz needs to shut the hell up, because she’s shitting out lies and doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Sure it might’ve been easy for her to sell sex back in the day and it’s easy for RiRi to sell sex today, but it’s not easy for everyone to sell sex. Every time I try to sell sex (and at a good price, mind you), the only thing I get is a handful of lung chunks from my prospective john laughing at me trying to get some money for this worn out ass. So fuck yourself with those side-burn tails, T-Boz. Second of all, RiRi doesn’t need to use her nipples to sell her music. Her naturally gorgeous nightingale voice already does a good job of that:
So take that, T-Boz!
Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow
Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.
Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!
“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”
Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.
“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”
Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):
“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”
Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:
“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”
She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.
50 Cent (or “Fiddy Cents” as the announcer call him) joined Tara the Badass Bitch of Bakersfield, Carly Rae Jepsen, The Elusive Chanteuse and Baba Booey in The Famous Bitches Who Can’t Throw A Ball Worth Shit Club yesterday. At the Mets vs. Pirates game, the Basement Baby brawl narrator threw out the first pitch and it was a pathetic mess. It’s as if Two Quarters had a sudden case of temporary Andy Cohen eyes and thought the catcher was squatting on two apple crates all the way to the left. That throw was a straight-up Willie Nelson: high and way left.
How does that even happen?
Since this twat skipped out on his son’s graduation, he could’ve at least used that extra free time to practice throwing a ball. I could throw a better first pitch and I suck at throwing balls since nothing is harder for me than letting go of balls.
Let’s do some math. What do you get when you add one dumb motherfucker to another dumb motherfucker? In the case of Jon and Kate Gosselin, the answer is eight kids who will need therapy thanks to their parents’ collective assholery.
Jon stopped waiting tables and playing target practice with paps at his cabin in the woods long enough to appear on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now”, and USWeekly says he spoke about the effects that being on TV had on his kids.
“I saw my kids not growing up normally, like I grew up, and having community,” he confessed. “Yes, they got to travel the world, and yes, they got these fabulous things, and yes, they have trust funds, and they’re taken care of educationally. Great,” he continued. “But developmentally, they have problems with their peers, and they have problems with talking to other people, and they have problems with wants and needs and manners and morals and what’s right and what’s wrong. I think more so than someone who grows up off TV.”
I can’t with this assbasket. Of course it was entirely the show’s fault! There aren’t multiple documented examples of Kate being a shrewd, heartless bitch or Jon riding the douche train to the Ed Hardy platform of Sit the Fuck Down Station. Nobody should be surprised the kids don’t know how to appropriately communicate- look at what happens when they try. They could have been raised by a pack of dingoes in the Australian Outback and had a better shot at being developmentally well-adjusted.
I hope those kids grow up to embrace this motto:
(Pic via Wenn.com)