Category: Miss Universe
SCANDAL Followed Miss USA To The Miss Universe Pageant
In October of last year, SCANDAL rocked the Miss USA pageant as Miss Texas, R’Bonney Gabriel, was crowned the winner amid accusations that the competition had been rigged in her favor. As a result, Crystle Stewart (a former Miss Texas herself) was suspended as the head of the Miss USA organization and an internal investigation was launched. Simultaneously, JKN Global, a Thai multinational corporation, acquired Miss Universe for $20 million. And for a time, it seemed, all had been forgotten, if not forgiven, as the newly crowned Miss USA boarded a rocket ship to the moon (by way of a convention center in New Orleans) to represent her country in last night’s Miss Universe pageant. However, it soon became clear that R’Bonney’s ship had a stowaway, as insidious as a virus and powerful enough to engulf the entire universe in its gaping maw.
The Head Of The Miss USA Pageant Has Been Suspended Amidst Allegations That The Competition Was Rigged
Another day, another one of Donald Trump‘s legacies is against the ropes. Earlier this month, folks who tuned into the FYI network early to catch Rachel Ray’s Italian Dream Home were treated to the tail-end of the Miss USA pageant and watched in slack-jawed awe as Miss Texas R’Bonney Gabriel was crowned the winner. Not because it’s surprising that R’Bonney is a real name somebody gave their child, but because the other contestants could be seen walking off the stage in protest behind her instead of sending the one with the sturdiest wrist muscles (usually Miss Ohio) to march up there and snatch the crown right off old R’Bonney’s weave.
The Miss Universe National Costume Contest Got A Little Political This Year
With the demise of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, I had almost forgotten what high camp featuring feathers and fuckery was. But it’s alive and thriving at the Miss Universe pageant which will crown a new winner this weekend. Every Miss, from Earth to the farthest reaches of GN-z11 and back again, will be vying for the title of Miss Universe at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida on Sunday. Oh, who am I kidding? The game is so obviously rigged. An Earthing wins every fucking year. In fact, Earth was the only planet that bothered to send representatives to compete in the National Costume competition which was held earlier today. But let me tell you, Earth came to slay! Unfortunately, that’s kind of our thing.
Steve Harvey Was Accused Of Messing Up Again As Host Of The Miss Universe Pageant
Last night’s Miss Universe pageant brought with it the same quality and integrity we’ve come to expect from any venture associated with the Trump name. Though he no longer owns the pageant, his legacy lives on in host Steve Harvey who, for the second time, did both Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines dirty. Miss Colombia was the recipient of a cartel joke, and Miss Malaysia was, kinda sorta, misidentified as Miss Philippines! Steve was definitely responsible for the former, and is mostly off the hook for the latter. But he should absolutely be held accountable for going on live TV looking like a mustachioed Cabbage Patch Kid auditioning for the lead in The OKest Showman.
Tim Tebow Is Dating Miss Universe
I guess all that Tebowing and praying has paid off because, while he still may not be in the major leagues of sports, Tim Tebow sure is hitting the home runs in the lady department. The preying mantis (OK, I’ll stop) is now blabbing about dating Miss Universe 2017, saying “blessed” so much, I almost forgot I was reading an article and just thought I was overhearing employees at Chick-fil-A. Continue reading
Miss Colombia Thinks Her Crown-Snatching Moment Might Have Been A Publicity Stunt
Former Hot Slut and owner of an on-point [Screaming Internally] face Miss Colombia (real name: Arianda Gutierrez) has some thoughts about that time Steve Harvey caused a million beauty pageant contestants at home to clutch at their hearts and dramatically scream “OH HEAVENS NOOOOOOOOOO!” by crowning the wrong winner. Shortly after that mess happened, Miss Colombia pulled a page out of her How To Be A Gracious Beauty Pageant Runner-Up book and congratulated Miss Philippines on Instagram. But eventually the extra-strength hairspray high wore off, and started thinking that maybe she got played.
According to Latin Times (via People), Miss Colombia recently spoke with Colombia’s W radio, and it sounds like she isn’t exactly drawing hearts and smiley faces around the pictures in her Miss Universe pageant scrapbook.
“It was very humiliating for me, but also for the whole country and for all the people not only from Colombia but the other Latinos that were in the auditorium.” Gutierrez added that as everything was going down, she only thought “this is going to be a joke, because in the rehearsals he used to play around with questions and I thought he was going to continue with that same tone to make people laugh.”
When asked if she thought the mistake was a shameless publicity grab, she replied: “If that was the goal, they succeeded.” Apparently when they took the crown off Miss Colombia’s head, someone replaced it with a tinfoil hat.
Miss Colombia also shot down the dreams of anyone hoping to see her appear in a hardcore porno with a dude named Steve Horny. Miss Colombia says she was recently offered $1 million by Vivid Entertainment to launch her career with a fuck film, but that she’d never do it because “my parents would kill me.” Kim Kardashian is like “Honey, no – if your mom is anything like mine, she’d be thrilled.”
I love a good conspiracy theory, so I’m 100% on board with Miss Colombia side-eyeing the powers that be at the Miss Universe pageant over her de-crowning. The only problem with it is that it wasn’t nearly scandalous enough to be a shameless publicity stunt. If they really wanted through-the-roof ratings, they would have taken her crown and given it to the animal serving up crazy coke-eyed beauty on the crotch of Miss Canada’s totem pole dress.
Pic: Splash