In October of last year, SCANDAL rocked the Miss USA pageant as Miss Texas, R’Bonney Gabriel, was crowned the winner amid accusations that the competition had been rigged in her favor. As a result, Crystle Stewart (a former Miss Texas herself) was suspended as the head of the Miss USA organization and an internal investigation was launched. Simultaneously, JKN Global, a Thai multinational corporation, acquired Miss Universe for $20 million. And for a time, it seemed, all had been forgotten, if not forgiven, as the newly crowned Miss USA boarded a rocket ship to the moon (by way of a convention center in New Orleans) to represent her country in last night’s Miss Universe pageant. However, it soon became clear that R’Bonney’s ship had a stowaway, as insidious as a virus and powerful enough to engulf the entire universe in its gaping maw.
The Head Of The Miss USA Pageant Has Been Suspended Amidst Allegations That The Competition Was Rigged
Another day, another one of Donald Trump‘s legacies is against the ropes. Earlier this month, folks who tuned into the FYI network early to catch Rachel Ray’s Italian Dream Home were treated to the tail-end of the Miss USA pageant and watched in slack-jawed awe as Miss Texas R’Bonney Gabriel was crowned the winner. Not because it’s surprising that R’Bonney is a real name somebody gave their child, but because the other contestants could be seen walking off the stage in protest behind her instead of sending the one with the sturdiest wrist muscles (usually Miss Ohio) to march up there and snatch the crown right off old R’Bonney’s weave.
Last Monday, the Restalyne and weaves were flowing at the Miss USA pageant in Reno, NV. And this year’s winner Miss Texas, R’Bonney Gabriel, made history as the first Filipina American to win in the pageant’s seventy-year history. However, there may have been a method behind the reason why R’Bonney was selected, and it took the comparable Detective La Toya powers of Miss Montana, Heather Lee O’Keefe, to expose all of the behind-the-scenes shenanigans. Heather claims the contest was rigged for R’Bonney to win and in response, R’Bonney used her new sash to throw her hair into a tight bun and swing a haymaker of words at anyone who thinks she didn’t win on her own merit.
It’s surprising that Miss USA, Sarah Rose Summers, wasn’t rushed to the hospital in Bangkok to get her mind put back together after it was blown when she got to the Miss Universe pageant and learned that not every single person in the world speaks fluent English. So now we know that Miss USA is that kind of American who screams, “SPEAK AMERICAN!“, at servers when trying to order food in another country.
Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 is still the reigning queen of WTF answers, but Miss Utah, Marissa Powell, tried to come for her crown at last night’s Miss USA pageant in Las Vegas. During the Q&A part of the finals, judge NeNe Leakes asked Miss Utah this question:
“A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?”
If I was on stage in front of thousands of people, knew that millions more eyeballs were watching me on TV and had thirty layers of paint on my face and six layers of clay on my eyebrows, I wouldn’t be able to spit out any words since it would be impossible with barf coming out of my mouth and the nervous shits coming out of my ass. So Miss Utah gave a better answer than I would’ve given, but then again, ho trained years for this shit . I’ve gotten spam emails from Russian beauties that were more coherent than Miss Utah’s answer. Miss Utah said (via Deadspin):
“I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are … continuing to try to strive to [pause] figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create education better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.”
NAILED IT! You can practically see her brain break in two during that pause. If you stare at her eyes, you can see the error 500 error in her pupils. I bet Ryan Lochte’s her coach.
But whatever, even though Miss Utah gave the dumbest answer of the night, she still won because her eyebrow situation was like no other and she can easily work as an Alyssa Edwards impersonator. I hope Miss Utah uses her eyebrow situation knowledge to create brow education better.
Here’s a few pictures from last night’s pageant including pictures of Miss Connecticut who won.