When you’re a bargain bitch like me, the Holy Grail is the big box behemoth known as Costco. You can usually find me (and Miss Tina Knowles) spending Saturdays pretending to peruse the aisles of 108-count toilet paper, power tools, and lawn furniture as I steadily make my way to the back just in time to hit up snacking primetime: the afternoon glut of free samples. Nothing makes an afternoon right like an array of vendors hawking free fruit snacks, smoked salmon, and orange juice (anyone wanna make out?) than washing it all down with the cheap treats at the Costco Café.
For less than $2, you can munch on a polish sausage and a soft drink the size of an oil drum before throwing it all away and heading back into the light with no evidence remaining of your hidden little secret. At least, that’s what I used to be able to do: the powers-at-be at Costco are now out to murder a fun weekend by getting rid of the Eastern European meat and go healthy, and even the CEO doesn’t sound pleased by it!
HuffPost reports Costco just revamped its food court menu, and the Polish wiener is nowhere to be found. How is Joanna Krupa ever going to feel connected to her roots?! Costco CEO Craig Jelinek outlined the new menu to shareholders, and it includes an acai bowl, a burger (my kind of health food), and a meatless al pastor salad…and he seems a little meh on the whole thing:
“This new plant-based protein salad, I know that excites you. But it is healthy. And, uh, actually, it tastes pretty good, if you like those kind of things. I tried it once.”
That sounds exactly like the half-assed argument anyone’s first boyfriend uses to get them to swallow! Don’t fret, though, as there hasn’t been a complete weenie ban at the food court. You can still get a hot dog and soda for $1.50. Costco also tried to soothe everyone’s chapped ass that the Polish weenies are still around to buy in bulk and cook at home, but nobody has a freezer large enough to hold the 899 other sausages after you’ve eaten one and are in a sodium coma on your couch for the rest of the month.