A Family That Smiles Awkwardly Together……

Since the Cheetolings, SPF and JJ, are the true stars of Brit Brit’s music video for Smurfs 2, they showed up to the movie’s premiere at the Regency Village Theater in Westwood, CA today. The Cheetolings posed with Our Lady of Cheetos and each one of their faces is saying something different. JJ looks like he just saw your new haircut and it looks like shit but he wants you to think he’s into it. Brit Brit looks like looks like she has a severe, level 10 case of wet turtle butt and has to walk up 10 flights of stairs. (Basically, she looks the way she always looks when she’s around humans.) And SPF looks like he just saw KFed in nothing but stained boxers, white socks and Adidas sandals. Or like he’s watching Daddy Spears make grits without Velveeta. Or like he just saw Smurfs 2, etc.. etc…

And Brit Brit’s probably making that face, because she just found out that the Smurfs aren’t going to be at the premiere in person since they’re not made of actual molecules. That’s the “I just learned Santa isn’t real” face.

Here’s more of Brit Brit and the Cheetolings at today’s Smurfs 2 premiere which also brought Katy Perry, Katy Perry’s memaw, Neil Patrick Harris, Neil Patrick Harris’ family and Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Getty

Rosamund Pike Is Gone Girl

I usually only read a book if it was written by the Hemingway of our time, Katie Price’s ghost writer, (I’ve read all but 2 Katie Price books and even Harvey Price would be filled to the top with shame if he admitted that) but I read Gone Girl and I read it in two days. This is a shock considering that it took my ass at least three days to read Goodnight Moon. While reading Gone Girl, I pictured Goopy Paltrow as Amy (yes, my imagination hates me) and James McAvoy’s head on James Marsden’s body (if that makes sense, which it doesn’t) as Nick. So when it was announced that Ben Affleck would play Nick, my brain shat out a question mark. Ben Affleck is not Nick to me. If in the Gone Girl movie, we find out that Nick was an Easter Island statue brought to life by an evil fairy, then Ben as Nick would make sense, but other than that, noooope.

In the book, Nick’s ass is older than Amy, so I figured David Fincher, who’s directing that shit, would cast Judi Dench as Amy. That didn’t happen. The Hollywood Reporter says that former Bond Girl Rosamund Pike got the role of Amy. Apparently, Rosamund beat out Abbie Cornish, Olivia Wilde, Emily Blunt, Natalie Portman (????) and Charlize Theron. THR also says that Neil Patrick Harris and Tyler Perry are in talks for supporting roles.

At this point, the only casting that makes sense to me is Rosamund Pike. Ben Affleck, Neil Patrick Harris and Tyler Perry? The hell? I’m guessing that NPH is going to play the creepy rich man child and Tyler Perry is going to play a detective. I hope The Hollywood Reporter got it all wrong. I hope Rosamund Pike was offered a different role and Tyler Perry’s going to play Amy as Madea. Gone Madea is some shit I’d totally watch.

Did Neil Patrick Harris Drop The N-Word During The Opening Number At The Tonys? (UPDATE)

TMZ, Radar and the Daily Mail all think that the n-word dribbled out of Neil Patrick Harris’ mouth while he was singing and dancing next to Mike Tyson during the Tony Awards huge opening number last night. My brain is barely caffeinated and so I’m having a hard time trying to wrap it around this mess. Doogie Howser saying the n-word…. next to a dancing Mike Tyson… at the Tony Awards…. in 2013. It’s way too early to try process all of that.

The Daily Mail says that at around the 3:23 mark Neil Patrick Harris sings, “We’re going bigger and is I his nigga.” That lyric doesn’t even really make sense. Wouldn’t Mike Tyson gnaw NPH’s ear off if he really did say the n word? Mike probably didn’t even hear it, because his ears probably don’t work too well and he’s on a permanent 10 second delay.

I think NPH’s trying to sing “and the night is bigger” but he flubs it and night and bigger become one word. I think. Well, I guess we’ll all know what he really said if we find out later that Lisa Lampanelli wrote the opening number and Mel Gibson produced it.

UPDATE: NPH denied it on Twitter by tweeting, “Really, Daily Mail?!? The N-word? That’s your story?!? I would NEVER be so disrespectful and frankly, neither should you.” And now, Mel Gibson is unpacking his bags, because he thought that Neil Patrick Harris was trying to lure him to Broadway by using the n-word in the Tonys opening number.

Here’s another musical number from last night’s Tonys which featured Broadway stars Andrew Rannells, Megan Hilty and Laura Benanti sad singing about their canceled TV shows. The n-word was not dropped during this number.

And here’s a few pictures from some of the tricks and tramps who either won, were nominated, presented or only showed up for the open bar. None of them said the n-word in front of a microphone last night that I know of. In order after NPH and David Burtka: ScarJo, Martha Plimpton, Judith Light, Alan Cumming, Holland Taylor, Andrea Martin, Jesse Tyler Ferguson with his fiancé Justin Mikita, BROWS, Bernadette Peters, Angela Bassett with Courtney B. Vance, Cyndi Lauper, Debra MESSing, Laura Benanti, Krysta Rodriguez, Tom Hanks with Rita Wilson, Jane Krakowski, Mike Tyson with Lakiha Spicer, Condola Rashad, Anna Kendrick, an Amish hipster with Sienna Miller, Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew Morrison with his piece, Megan Hilty with her piece, Laura Osnes, Jane Lynch, Sigourney Weaver and Audra McDonald.

Um….

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart’s hands are covered in slime, it’s because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer’s butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green’s slime got some THC in it.

Here’s a few more pictures from yesterday’s KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop’s colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Usually, I’m all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can’t with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. “SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!” was probably Jessica’s first reaction to that fug mess. But it’s her friends, family and stylist’s job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica’s chichis are frowning at this look.

That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It’s like a whory memaw’s freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don’t know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.

And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?

Anyway, here’s a bunch of pictures from last night’s TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.

Tip Of The Day: How To Dry Hump Doogie Howser In Public

If “doing the horizontal Dougie on Doogie Howser” is an item high on your cum bucket list, then let this clip from The Price Is Right teach you how to cross that shit off the quickest way possible. Somehow get on The Price Is Right, freebase a whole can of Amp to give you that “hyena getting struck by lightning” feeling and when Neil Patrick Harris walks out, immediately dry hump him until security pries you off with an electric spatula. You will probably walk away with a prize package consisting of a restraining order and a permanent block on Facebook from NPH, but the memory of watching his face contort into a state of sheer fear as you sexually assault him in public will last forever.