Category: My Ears Hate Your Ass
Fall Out Boy’s “Ghostbusters” Theme Song Is Out, And Yeah….
Some cry baby dudes hated the Ghostbusters reboot as soon as it was announced because they felt like their childhoods were being ruined by cooch! And some people (including Melissa McCarthy) hated the Ghostbusters trailer for being awful. I never really got on the Ghostbusters hate train…until I pressed play on Fall Out Boy and Missy Elliott’s cover of the Ghostbusters theme song. You may not be afraid of no ghosts, but you should be very, very afraid of this wreck.
If Slimer ate a blended shake made from black Manic Panic dye, rusty nails, bottom lashes that have been stained with Urban Decay eyeliner and a pair of over-worn checkerboard Vans (with anarchy symbols drawn onto the soles with a Sharpie), and he waited until it digested before shitting into your ears, it would probably feel a lot like listening to Fall Out Boy’s version of the Ghostbusters theme song. I don’t even know why the Ghostbusters need proton guns to get rid of the bad ghosts. All they need to do is blast this song, and everything including dogs, cats, roaches, rats, ants and ghosts will vacate that bitch immediately. If you don’t believe me, drive down my street and you’ll see my dog hitchhiking while holding a sack on a stick in his mouth. He puts up with a lot of crap, but he drew the line at me listening to this mess 4 times this morning:
Well, the good news is that at least Ray Parker Jr. (and maybe Huey Lewis) got a check out of this.
Pic: Alternative Press
Well, That Happened: Madge Paid Tribute To Prince
Since current day Madge lives for giving the public several servings of her nalgitas, I was secretly hoping that her Prince tribute at tonight’s Billboard Music Awards would be nothing but her dancing to “Get Off” in his legendary ass-less yellow ensemble as Diamond and Pearl dropped it low around her. But instead of doing that, Madge decided to shove her live vocals into our ear drums while doing a 2am karaoke version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” and “Purple Rain.”
The good news is that Stevie Wonder helped Madge out and she dressed like a pimp-fied Liberace going to a gay child’s christening in the springtime (and that IS the look). The bad news is that she didn’t take a page out of Brit Brit’s performing live handbook by lip-synching.
I’m surprised that Prince didn’t drop down from heaven, snatch the mic out of Madge’s hand and just do it himself.
Kevin Federline Has Made His Triumphant Return To Rap, And His Face Says Everything About That
It’s been over 10 long years since rap master Kevin Federline sharted out “PopoZão” and taught us that it’s possible to caca through our ear holes. The saying “genius takes time” is true and this newest work of art proves it. It took the Mozart of rap a decade to release a song that’ll make you wish Tampax made tiny tampons for your ears. Listening to it won’t cause you to caca through your ear holes, but you will bleed.
Throw on your Von Dutch trucker hat, pop your collar and put your Motorola Razr on mute, because TMZ has taken us all the way back to 2005 by posting KFed’s new video “Hollywood,” which also stars Andy Dick and Aaron Carter’s flow coach Crichy Crinch, whose claim to fame is getting Tara Reid’s name tattooed onto his arm. This mess is so 2005 that it’s practically a Four Loko stain on a pink UGG.
But KFed did manage to bring it to the NOW thanks to a scene where a fourth-tier Amber Rose impersonator (who looks more like a third-tier Susan Powter impersonator) and a fifth-tier Kanye West impersonator (who looks more like a fourth-tier Ray-J impersonator) get into some #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch action. The Amber/Kanye scene is pretty disappointing, because I doubt the booty hole Jesus uses drugstore lube like a normal peon. Kanye’s b-hole is probably self-lubricating, and not only that, but KFed missed an opportunity to make a “PooPooOw” joke.
There’s also a bootleg Leonardo DiCaprio impersonator in this for some reason. Brit Brit Spears must’ve cut KFed’s child support payments, because it’s obvious that everybody involved in this worked for dusty copies of Playing With Fire.
Believe it or not, the most painful part of that video isn’t the song or the sight of Andy Dick getting off while wiping his asshole with KFed’s CD. What’s really painful is that I still look at KFed and think to myself that I’d totally let him PopoZão me. No, I don’t love myself.
And here’s KFed looking like STAINS‘ strung out second cousin at Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas last December.
Pics: Wenn.com
Sorry, Drake, Canada Has A New Reigning King Of Rap!
This trans-hating disaster really, really cares about gender labels and I really don’t, which is why I’m perfectly okay with calling her the King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Duke, Duchess, Court Jester and Serf of the Canadian rap game! All hail!
As North Carolina state Legislature said “fuck you” to a bunch of ordinances that protected the LGBT community from discrimination, this attack on trans people and many of my senses made the rounds yesterday. A few of you farted this into my inbox with an e-mail subject that read: “transphobic Canadian rap.” Before watching it, I figured that Michelle Duggar moved to Canada to become a rapper. But this isn’t Michelle Duggar. This is Michelle Duggar’s Canadian third cousin who is protesting against trans-inclusive bathroom legislation in Alberta by releasing a rap song that has made my ears want to protest against me for pressing play on this shit.
In the “song” called “Gender Bender,” this Christian mom, who goes by the rap name MH Weibe, lets her province know that they need to THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Okay, but was MH Weibe thinking of the children when she warbled out a “rap song” that’ll cause pain to their poor little eardrums and also cause them to develop premature wrinkles from all the cringing they’ll do while watching her video? MH Weibe also burps up something about the animal kingdom, but the most offensive part of her song is the fact that she has the flow of a broken rest stop bathroom faucet.
With that said, I’m sure that MH Weibe and MC Mama Grizzly are going to team for a worldwide arena tour (read: they’ll book a couple of church basements in Alberta and perform in Sarah Palin’s living room). Watch it and weep:
You know, if she really wants trans people to stay out of public bathrooms altogether, she should just get every public bathroom to play her rap song. Sure, it’d also keep out ALL humans as well as rats and roaches, but she’d still be able to say that she accomplished her mission.
via Paper Magazine
Presented Without Comment: Cameron Diaz “Sings” An Updated Version Of Little Girls In Annie
Okay, maybe just one comment: WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Presenting Taylor Swift’s High School Drama Club Performance Of “Blank Space”
I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.
Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.
Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.
For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:
Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.
Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.
And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.
