Prepare for a wedding announcement that will surely sound like the result of playing a quick round of Celebrity Spawn Mad-Libs. Because almost everyone in this story is famous or famous-adjacent. There are even some famous names that will get dropped that have nothing to do with these notable nuptials. But here’s what you need to know right away: Emily in Paris’ Lily Collins, seen above in so much white lace your grandma’s living room windows would be jealous, got married over the weekend, and the man in the brown velvet sharing the “I do” duties is her fiancé of nearly a year, Charlie McDowell.
Mary Steenburgen Says “Book Club 2” Is Coming With Gal Pals Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda And Candice Bergen
God’s prophet on Earth’s mother, Mary Steenburgen, was on Andy Cohen‘s Sirius radio show and because us gays love a talented older woman, she just had to tell him about a dinner party she gave recently with her Book Club co-stars Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen and Jane Fonda. That is a “yas kween” moment to me, honey (I’m also secretly a forty-three year old housewife). And during the discussion about the most estrogen-filled/menopausal room since Barbara Walters left The View, Mary spilled to Andy that there is going to be a Book Club 2. You know I saw the first one in theaters along with 100 other middle-aged women and my best friend who knits on the weekend, so I. Can’t. Wait! Continue reading
Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”
Finally, Hollywood has given us what we’ve all been waiting for: a movie about rich white ladies reading Fifty Shades of Grey. If only Smell-O-Vision existed for real, movie theaters would be filled with the scent of fancy perfume and Metamucil-infused panty pudding.
The final cinematic dingle in the Fifty Shits series came out last month, but the diarrhea-dripping words of E.L. James are continuing to terrorize us thanks to a movie that surprisingly enough, didn’t come from the mind of Nancy Meyers. Bill Holderman directed and co-wrote Book Club, which is about rich white ladies who live in Ethan Allen showrooms, exclusively wear St. John and whose lives get “spiced up” from reading Fifty Shades of Grey. It stars Jane Fonda, a ginger Raquel Welch wig (see: Jane Fonda’s head), Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen and Mary Steenburgen as the rich white ladies. Also in it are fine bottle of Cuban wine Andy Garcia, Craig T. Nelson, Anastasia Steele’s dad Don Johnson, Richard Dreyfuss, Ed Begley Jr., Wallace Shawn and Alicia Silverstone.
Give Murphy Brown the Oscar now, because she deserves it for looking like she’s actually interested in reading that mess.
For those of you who have the sads over Sex and the City 3 not happening, then I just need to tell you that you’re crazy and a masochist. I also need to tell you that Book Club is the Sex and the City 3 movie you never knew existed. Diane Keaton IS Carrie Bradshaw, Candice Bergen IS Miranda Hobbes, Mary Steenburgen IS Charlotte York, and Jane Fonda IS Samantha Jones.
And not only will Candice win the Oscar for this, but so will the special effects artists for CGI’ing Jane Fonda’s face circa the 197os onto current day Jane Fonda.