Robert Pattison Took His Own Pictures For His GQ Cover And Nearly Started A Fire In His “Batman” House Kitchen

May 12, 2020 / Posted by:

It’s mid-March and things in Quoronatine (™) are starting to get weird. GQ made Robert Pattison take his own pictures for the June/July cover and the interview was conducted by phone and over the internet. Throughout the interview, Rob was really playing up the whole “man goes slowly crazy in isolation” angle even though he’s in London living with his girlfriend (probably Suki Waterhouse) in a house provided by “the Batman folks,” eating weird food provided by “the Batman folks,” but refusing to do his prescribed workouts. Rob says he’s already “totally lost all sense of time” and nearly burned down his very nice kitchen by putting aluminum foil in a microwave while trying to demonstrate how to make a handheld pasta monstrosity he’s developed in hopes of filling a pasta shaped hole in the fast-food industry. But the joke’s on us. This interview was conducted in April and Rob probably got the idea for this tortured bit of performance art from watching the Calzone Zone episode of Parks and Rec. Despite looking like the disheveled corpse of a mid-range gigolo, Rob is fine.

In the interview, Rob says that the prospect of putting his stamp on the well-trodden role of Batman is energizing and makes him feel “kind of spicy.” But he’s not about to break a sweat trying to animate the nipples in his Batsuit.

The film studio hired a trainer who left Pattinson with a Bosu ball, a single weight, and a sincere plea to use both, but right now, he says, he’s ignoring her. “I think if you’re working out all the time, you’re part of the problem,” he says, sighing. By “you” he means other actors. “You set a precedent. No one was doing this in the ’70s. Even James Dean—he wasn’t exactly ripped.” He says that back when he was the star of the Twilight franchise, “the one time they told me to take my shirt off, I think they told me to put it back on again.” But Batman is Batman. Pattinson called another actor on the film, Zoë Kravitz, the other day, and she said she was exercising five days a week during their exile from set. Pattinson, well: “Literally, I’m just barely doing anything,” he says, sighing again.

Well, my pussy when I saw Christian Bale’s bulk in The Dark Night, would like a word (with Christian, she ain’t got shit to say to Rob). Besides, didn’t we already have a lazy Batman? Here’s what Rob had to say about being compared to other Batmen we’ve known.

And then there’s Christian Bale, and Ben Affleck’s one. And then I was thinking, it’s fun when more and more ground has been covered. Like, where is the gap? You’ve seen this sort of lighter version, you’ve seen a kind of jaded version, a kind of more animalistic version. And the puzzle of it becomes quite satisfying, to think: Where’s my opening? And also, do I have anything inside me which would work if I could do it? And then also, it’s a legacy part, right? I like that. There’s so few things in life where people passionately care about it before it’s even happened. You can almost feel that pushback of anticipation, and so it kind of energizes you a little bit. It’s different from when you’re doing a part and there’s a possibility that no one will even see it. Right? In some ways it’s, I don’t know… It makes you a little kind of spicy. [laughs]

Speaking of spicy, I must circle back to Rob’s solution to the quandary “How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?” According to Rob it involves latex gloves, aluminum foil, a jumbo-sized lighter, sugar, pre-sliced cheese, microwaved pasta, and Corn Flakes. You do some freebase business, then put everything in the oven only Rob doesn’t know the difference between an oven and a microwave. Here is the sadly predictable result.

He puts the aluminum sphere, the little pillow, into what he thinks is an oven and I think is a microwave. He attempts to turn it on. “I actually knew how to do this before,” he tells me. “I literally did this yesterday. And now it’s just impossible. It’s going to look like I can’t cook at all.”

He fumbles at some more buttons. “Oh, oh, oh,” he says, excitedly now. “A thousand watts, there you go.”

Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.

“The fucking electricity…oh, my God,” he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark.

I’m sure “The Batman folks” are feeling really good about their investment right now.

Pic: GQ via Instagram

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