Casey Affleck Says Ben Affleck Won’t Be Playing Batman In A Solo Flick

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Problematic Oscar-winner Casey Affleck claims that his big brother, Maine liquor store connoisseur Ben Affleck, will not be playing a probably hungover-looking Batman in a planned DC Comics Universe solo movie. He said this during a radio appearance yesterday, here in Affleck Land – Boston! I’m not sure why Casey didn’t let me know he was in town. He IS my enemy of old and we’re due for a rematch. I’ll explain in the last paragraph.

The Hollywood Reporter reported on Casey’s appearance on WEEI’s Dale & Holley With Keefe radio show. (WEEI is the big sports radio station here in the Hub. I’ve never heard the show because I was in Drama Festival in high school, but I find “Keefe” intriguing. It’s not his show, but he’s important enough to get a “with…” How have I not heard about this Bostonian celebrity? Unless it’s “Keefe” Richards? Stranger things have happened, like the President of the United States finding white supremacists to be “very fine” people and… nevermind, that’s the strangest.)

The hosts asked Lil’ Affleck about big bro’s role as a somehow pissed-off yet completely lackadaisical Batman. Casey responded by confirming the rumor that Ben’s not about to squeeze those chest bigguns into the suit again. Casey said:

“I thought he was an OK Batman. No, he was great. He was great. He’s a hero, so he had something to channel and work with there. But he’s not going to do that movie [The Batman], I don’t think. Sorry to say.”

Oh, oh. There’s a Batman-led Justice League flick coming out on Nov. 17, and that’s supposed to be followed by a solo The Batman adventure. One that they’ve being going on, and on, and on about. Are you sure about that, you gossipy lil’ alleged sexual assailant? Realizing he probably just spilled some tea that should have remained in the Batman collectible teacup (you know that there’s one of those somewhere), he reversed himself.

When the interviewers reacted with shock, Affleck attempted to walk the statement back.

“Is that breaking news? Because I was just kind of making that up, I don’t know.”

So Casey Affleck isn’t great at the art of lying, despite that Oscar on what I assume is his grimy eco-hut’s vegan tofu mantle. Warner Bros. has refused comment. This revelation follows Ben’s supposed directing spot AND his script being thrown out. So things are looking dire for those of you who wanted Ben in a completely unnecessary solo Batman film.

Speaking of Drama Festival, my high school team competed against Casey’s team back when we were kids. Our play was about serious stuff like teen pregnancy, abortion, and child abuse. (It was obviously a comedy.) I played a doctor with only one line – “maybe we can save the baby.” That was it, but I gave it my all! HIS play was about a magic pasta pot. The Cambridge Rindge and Latin School won. A friggin’ magic pasta pot beat out abortion! Those judges were obviously related to the Affleck and Damon families. No one would investigate my accusations of cheating, because they were too busy scoffing at my one line. Casey Affleck (and his magic pasta pot) are my sworn enemies because of that!


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