Lenny Kravitz’s Dick Came Out To Play During A Gig

Sweden is giving us all the gifts today. They gave us Alexander Skarsgard in glorious drag and now they’re giving us Lenny Kravitz’s dick. May Sweden bless us all the way by making it rain Absolut Vodka on all of us.

While performing at the Gröna Lund theme park in Stockholm on Monday, Lenny Kravitz got so into it that when he squatted down, his leather pants tore open and out flopped his soft dick. Surprisingly, after noticing that his dick was open to audience, Lenny didn’t hand his guitar over to his peen and let it play while he went to fetch some new pants. Lenny left the stage for a minute to change.

Oh, thank you to whoever decided that us humans should have knees which give us the ability to squat. Thank you to Lenny’s stylist for giving him too-tight leather pants. Thank you to the makers of those leather pants for not making them indestructible. Thank you to them all.

Us perverted whores who have a file on our desktop marked “celeb noodz,” know what Lenny’s pierced goods look like since he’s (NSFW) posed nude before.

Here’s the non-pixelated NSFW picture picture from above.

Now that is how you truly rock out with your cock out.

Two Hot Ageless Vampires Went To The Met Gala Last Night

Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.

Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.

Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.

Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

So, Zach Galifianakis Doesn’t Really Look Like Zach Galifianakis Anymore…

And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.

Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis – all eyes and neck.

As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.”

Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Mighty O On Paula Deen’s N-Word Scandal

When Oprah interviewed Paula Deen for Oprah’s Next Chapter last year, she stayed in the Deen family “guest house” in Georgia and now she knows why the “guest house” was actually a shack in the backyard and why there was an Aunt Jemima costume and a dinner bell lying on her cot. The Mighty O got to know Paula Deen, so at last night’s premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler in NYC, everybody with a mic asked her about it. Oprah recently said no friend of hers will ever use the n-word around her, so I’m surprised she didn’t tell reporters, “Paula who? Oh, you mean the Miss Millie whose company I’m going to buy with my play money and DESTROY just for fun?” Oprah told Entertainment Tonight that Paula is not the first white woman to use the n-word and also said that she tried to call Paula’s ass.

“In the very first days I tried to reach her and then I decided to stay out of it as I saw it blowing up. In time she will be fine. For me, it all just felt kind of sad.

Nobody in their right mind is going to call me the N-word. You know, you see those fools on Twitter sometime say ridiculous things. But nobody in their right mind is going to do that to my face, because true racism is being able to have power over somebody else. So that doesn’t happen to me that way.”

That’s Oprah’s way of saying, “I’m God, bitch,” and it’s also Oprah’s way of telling Squeak to come call her a “field nigger” to her face, because she really wants to tit pound that bitch through all the layers of the Earth into Hell.

Here’s more of FroPrah and Ted Head Stedman at last night’s The Butler premiere. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of other hos there including Mimi who showed up wearing a sling that can double as a studded fisting glove.

Pics: Wenn.com

Nicole Kidman And Keith Urban Ran Into Her Ex-Piece At The CMT Music Awards Last Night

Nicole Kidman might be saying, “yes, whore, I’ve had both of those hos,” with her face, but her facial expression pretty much always looks like that since it takes a blow dryer set on high and several heated chisels to move her facial muscles.

At last night’s CMT Music Awards in Nashville, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban ran into her ex-piece Lenny Kravitz backstage. Nicole supposedly rubbed the caked-in essence of Tommy Girl off of her body with Lenny Kravitz’s peen in 2003. And here they are together again! They all smiled! Lenny and Keith hugged! It wasn’t awkward at all. Well, the only time things got a little awkward was when Keith quietly stared at Lenny with non-blinking eyes, because he was thinking to himself that all he needs to do is cover his body with a few more coats of liquefied Doritos and maybe, just maybe he’ll be the same color as Lenny.

Keith doesn’t have anything to worry about, though. Sure, Lenny can make clits twitch just by winking, but a couple that parts their hair together, stays together. And Keith looks like he’s got a hair bra laying on top of his head and that is the epitome of sexy.

Also, what the hell kind of SPF does Nicole Kidman use? That shit must be strong. I’m surprised she isn’t all crispy from standing that close to Keith’s piping hot orange skin.

Lenny Kravtiz’s Body Language Says It All

When you come across a horny cougar in the wild and she busts into her mating call dance, it’s best to sit really still and don’t make eye contact, which is exactly what Lenny Kravitz did at Chanel’s Art Basel party in Miami last night. I don’t know if Lenny is flipping the photographer off for capturing this hilariously awkward moment or he’s flipping himself off for putting himself in that position. Whatever the case may be, I see Demi Moore eyeing his middle finger the same way a cat-in-heat eyes the tip of a Q-tip. Jump it, ride it, break it, Demi.

Demi was at the Chanel party with her new 20-something piece and when she wasn’t sticking her tongue down his mouth hole, she was riding the beat bareback-style. Lenny Kravitz looks like a cross between a kid who’s embarrassed by his mom and a tortured prisoner who is too stunned to move. It looks like Demi is doing the Stanky Leg, the Funky Chicken and the one-ho Lambada all at once. Stacy Keibler should be taking notes, because if she served moves like that to George Clooney, he would’ve married her a million times over by now.

And no, the dude in the navy blazer doesn’t speak for us all. I don’t ever want Demi to stop. Because the beat stops if Demi isn’t whipping it with her hot, sweet moves.