Taylor Swift Released The 15-Minute-Long (!!!!) Music Video For The New Version Of “All Too Well”
Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal dated for around 2 seconds (read: 3 months) in 2010, and I figured it was just a throwaway PR relationship and a hit it (“it” being the pap stroll) and quit it situation. But it’s 11 years later and we’re hearing about it all over again because Tay Tay released her 10-minute version of her 2012 song All Too Well, which is about her thing with Jake. It’s part of the release of Red (Fuck You Scooter Braun Version). And last night, Tay Tay dropped the 15-minute-long All Too Well “short film” and it shows the swift rise and fall of Tay Tay and Jakey. Yes, 15 fucking minutes. The music video lasts longer than the damn relationship did. Just in case Taylor plans to re-record Reputation next, Johnny Weir should submit his picture and resume for the role of Not Tom Hiddleston in the 220-minute-long 4-part film series video for Getaway Car (Taylor’s Version).
Taylor and Jake were together for a minute when she was 20 years old and he was 29 years old. So in the Taylor Swift-directed All Too Well music video, 19-year-old Sadie Sink of Stranger Things plays “Her” (aka Taylor’s Version of Taylor) and 30-year-old Dylan O’Brien of The Maze Runner plays “Him” (aka Taylor’s Version of Jake). Yeah, Tay Tay went with “Her” and “Him.” I’m disappointed she didn’t name them Saylor Quick and Fake Gyllenrooom. The video is basically about a ginger youngin’ and an older faux lumberjake lumberjack (side note: NEVER trust a lumberjack who is actually not a lumberjack) who fall in love in the autumn leaves of Upstate New York and then break-up after a fight about him dropping her hand during hand-holding times. It ends 13 years later when the ginger youngin’ is now a ginger grown-up (played by a gingerfied Tay Tay) and is at the reading of the book she wrote about them. And older Him seems to still be pining for her ass because he watches in the window while wearing her scarf. It’s all very “season finale of You.”
And Taylor continues to flirt with a possible lawsuit from the Easter Bunny because she’s once again stealing his gig by dropping “Easter Eggs” in the video from the red lipstick on Her (which Us Weekly says Taylor started wearing shortly before getting with Jake) to THE SCARF (which was apparently Taylor’s and Jake wore when she left it at his sister’s house). THE SCARF is going for the Best Supporting Scarf Oscar. Here’s the 15-minute-long video for All Too On The Nose.
In case you didn’t get that the “short film” and song is all about Jake Gyllenhaal stomping on her young heart and dumping her because of their age difference, she makes it clear in the end credits. The older “Him” is credited as Jake Lyon. Get it? Jake LYIN’. Okay, I’ll give it to Taylor. That’s way better than Fake Gyllenrooom.
Petty is a dish best served in a 15-minute-long music video.
31-year-old Taylor is now with 30-year-old Joe Alwyn. And 40-year-old Jake is with 25-year-old model Jeanne Cadieu. Taylor also drags him for that in the lyrics for All Too Well by singing, “And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes ‘I’ll get older, but your lovers stay my age.’”
And when the Swifties cry into their Starbucks Taylor’s Latte while watching her long ass video, they can dry their tears with $10 All Too Well tissues, sold exclusively on TaylorSwift.com.
Cut to Adele getting on the phone with her managers to tell them to drop her planned Kleenex x Adele collaboration to promote 30. That damn evil marketing genius Taylor beat her to it.
Pic: YouTube