Jake Gyllenhaal Didn’t Show Up To Taylor Swift’s 21st Birthday Party After She Lost Her Virginity To Him

File this under: 3-year-old Taylor Swift FanFic written in the style of Judy Blume using lyrics from all of her songs.

Radar says that Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one hundred percent natural relationship didn’t end because the expiration date on their short-term bearding contract came up as expiration dates usually do. Some source (aka a bored intern who analyzes the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s songs during their off-time) says that Taylor and Jake broke up, because he broke her heart after breaking her Cherry Cuddler with his peen. Taylor was a 20-year-old virgin and she kept her treasured cherry in a crystal glass case and didn’t plan on losing it until her wedding night. But after “dating” Jake for 3 months, Taylor felt like he was really the one and so she popped that pussy on his peen. After doing her right, Jake did her wrong by no-showing to her 21st birthday party. Radar says that the original title for Taylor’s album Red was probably Cherry Poppin’ Blues, because the entire album is about Jake. The source shat out this piece of pure truth.

“The day before — all was set — he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.

Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of RED. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.”

I’ll wait here as you pour yourself a cup of throat coat tea and swallow an entire bag of lozenges, because you laughed your tonsils raw while reading that quote. Radar’s source got it all wrong. Jake didn’t “take” Taylor’s virginity. What really happened is that he took the last cherry tart they made in her Easy Bake Oven and that really pissed Taylor off so she disinvited him to her birthday party and then sent him a strawberry-scented envelope full of their shredded contract. That’s how they really broke up. The closest Taylor and Jake ever got to fucking was the time they were playing dolls in her play room (as part of their contract, he was forced to do that) and he kind of humped her Skipper doll with his Bow from She-Ra doll.

And here’s the song in question, and yeah, it’s totally about how thieving Jake stole the last cherry tart without asking.