New Hampshirites! Please be on the lookout for a suspect wanted in a break-and-enter at an elementary school in Barnstead. Suspect is a male reindeer with one antler; the other antler was left at the scene of the crime. Suspect broke in through a window at noon on Sunday (thank God the kids weren’t there) and escaped through a second window before he could be captured by cops and firefighters. The Barnstead Police Department alleges that one of their officers heard a voice in the distance yell, “On Dancer!”, but I’m gonna chalk that up to typical cop bullshit.
Here’s the Barnstead Police Department’s Facebook post, which includes a police sketch of the suspect:
Police say they believe that the reindeer is “part of an organized crime group breaking into buildings in New Hampshire.” Um, HELLO. Did it occur to them that maybe this B&E is practice for a larger operation later on in the month? I know Santa is usually the one who sneaks into homes and leaves gifts, but maybe he’s delegating some of these duties to his reindeer in a Succession-style “Who’s gonna take over the business when I die?” practice run.
Or maybe this has nothing to do with Christmas. Maybe this reindeer broke into the school because he wanted to try his hoof at getting a proper education. “Dancer” was born and bred to be one of Santa’s reindeer. The poor bastard never had a choice. And maybe he’s over it! Maybe he wants to learn to read! Expand his horizons! And now he’s a wanted criminal with a missing antler? Sigh. The system is broken.