Because it’s a holiday weekend in the U.S., the iHeartRadio Music Awards was the second biggest event last night. The first being whatever you had for dinner and the third being you taking a shit midway through the awards. While it didn’t give you Pink and her 11-year-old daughter hanging from a ceiling, it did give you Doja Cat turning M. Night Shyamalan‘s Signs into a sexy club show and almost got abducted in a cornfield by some hot aliens–so basically she recreated one of Elon Musk‘s less-elaborate sexual fantasies on stage.
The iHeartRadio Music Awards is something that happened last night, and that was probably exciting for the three people who knew it was on and watched. It was probably also exciting for the celebrities who showed up because it gave them a chance to strip out of their pajamas and sweats and slather themselves in fashion foolery, including the above look from Bruno Mars which looks like a still from a movie called Puerto Rican Casanova Swingers Club.
Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour started off with a bunch of bad press with media reporting that it wasn’t selling well and was going to be flop hard. Well, as we all know, Taylor doesn’t forget and Taylor doesn’t forgive, and she definitely brought it up when she was accepting the award for tour of the year at last night’s iHeart Radio Awards.
I don’t know why I kept thinking the iHeartRadio Music Awards were the pearl-clutcher’s wholesome family-friendly alternative to the MTV Video Music Awards, but Rihanna’s performace of “Bitch Better Have My Money” last night and, to a lesser extent, Jamie Foxx’s crack about Bruce Jenner’s balls, confirmed that they definitely are not.
I like my RiRi’s performances extra raunchy (see: her pussy-tapping performance of “Birthday Cake” on SNL), so this left me a bit disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I hated it. I mean, bitch stepped out of a chopper looking like Oscar the Grouch’s slutty little sister. This is the iHeartRadio performance that Cookie Lyon would have given if Cookie Lyon was a real person. Not to mention that all that bright-green fur was giving me shades of old school Lil’ Kim (I’m not the only one); all that was missing was a bright green wig or one of RiRi’s titty tips covered in a sequined stick-on pasty.
And maybe it’s the hand full of buttered popcorn jelly beans I ate for breakfast, but she also sort of looks like the Scrappy-Doo to Lineysha Sparx’s Snatch Game version of Celia Cruz. Absolutely no shade, because that’s a look I can always get behind.
Here’s more of RiRi working that Sesame Streetwalker realness (“Sesame Streetwalkers was brought to you today by the letters S, T, and D, and the number 2 – as in always count your money twice“) after the show.
Jamie Foxx hosted the iHeartRadio Music Awards in LA last night, and joked about Bruce Jenner transitioning. Here’s what he said. Let me know if you agree with me that Jamie might be stuck in 1986 in his head.
“He’s doing a his and her duet all by himself.”
He’s so edgy. If you’re going to kick a man while he’s going through something, at least make it funny and/or daring. Hell, I’d be more impressed if you joked about him possibly killing Grandma. Or go for his taste in women. That’s some tired “Open Mike Night” down at the Laff Hut shit for a multimillionaire hosting an awards show. Earn your money, Wanda. Just because Bruce is becoming the ethereal beauty that you will never be or hope to claim as your own, it doesn’t mean you should vent your jealousy by appealing to the transphobic dickfucks (like Pimp Mama Kris) out there.
He also made a joke about how he was busting Bruce Jenner’s balls while he still had them. Fist Brown thought it was hilarious, sitting in the audience all tattooed and purple-haired, looking like Grimace’s girlfriend’s partial abortion. Remain seated, Fist.
Humanity isn’t thrilled with Jamie Fuxx’s (typo and don’t even think it’s not stayin’) lil’ gag, either. CNN posted viewer Tweets slapping him down for his insensitivity.
The only good to come out of this is that Jamie’s lame joke totally reminded me of this visual and audio candy from whenst I was but a child. I can remember thinking that magic was real!
Check out Jamie Fuxx (I’m starting to like that typo) at the iHeart Radio Awards below.