And Now For The Fashions Of The iHeartRadio Music Awards (Yes, That Happened Last Night)
The iHeartRadio Music Awards is something that happened last night, and that was probably exciting for the three people who knew it was on and watched. It was probably also exciting for the celebrities who showed up because it gave them a chance to strip out of their pajamas and sweats and slather themselves in fashion foolery, including the above look from Bruno Mars which looks like a still from a movie called Puerto Rican Casanova Swingers Club.
I’ll get to Bruno, but let’s ease you in. Let’s start with Doja Cat who rolled out of bed, pulled off the sheer curtains in her hotel room, threw them over her half-naked body, and called it a day. She looks like a cross between an elegant airy fart and Endora from Bewitched hitting the ho stroll.
Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox actually somehow leveled down from their Side-Street Fancy Hooker Drag of the 2021 BBMAs which I much preferred to this nonsense. Megan’s pink thing I could handle because I’ll excuse a lot for a full-pink, but him? He looks like he went to the manicurist and said: “Give me the nails Cardi B stabbed her asshole with.” At least his black tongue couldn’t hurt anybody else (physically, it hurt my eyes).
Twenty-One Pilots wore literal sweatpants, and honestly, I think they were the Justin Bieber Drew shit because those smiley faces? Are haunting.
Chali D’Amelio and Lil Huddy (AKA to anyone above the age of 15: WHOOOoooooommmmmmmstt?) who are 17 and 19-year-old TikTok stars, showed up looking like they were going to their semi-formal and didn’t even try:
Much like the emotional turmoil in the movie Old Yeller, it also pains me to have to drag Megan Thee Stallion for her nude illusion which doesn’t look nude so it just looks deluded. I’m sorry Queen, WAP still slaps and she did invent Hot Girl Summer! I will say it photographs better in her light and on stage than in the photogs cameras at iHeart.
Congratulations to our Roc Fam winners at the #iHeartAwards2021.
Best Collaboration: @theestallion & @Beyonce, “Savage Remix” pic.twitter.com/3UaJax3aju
— Roc Nation (@RocNation) May 28, 2021
Demi Lovato paired their Dollar Tree Joan Jett ‘do with a sparkly titty border chain and an oversized velvet suit that I feel like Prince would wear if he wanted to go for a butch look (and yes, he’d work it better). And since Demi has been called the Millenial Karen, I guess the Dollar Tree Joan Jett ‘do is the official haircut of the Millenial Karen.
And I guess the theme of the night was baggy business suits sans top, because like Demi, Lil Nas X decided to let his titties are out while working an oversized business suit. It’s giving me 90s intergalactic business woman who is so on the go that they forgot to put on a shirt!
Country star Gabby Barrett won another award and also pulled another proportionally challenged look like at the BBMAs, but this time blessed us by at least getting her hair done somewhere else. But what is up with her husband’s hat in the second pic? Is he hiding something under there?
And then we have Usher who once again proved that last night was all about the top-less business suit. Amanda Woodward’s impact!
Usher has aged perfectly #iHeartAwards2021 pic.twitter.com/znQAFDwhmH
— 🌹 (@Coolness941) May 27, 2021
Gaga Aguilera known as Ava Max wore some wrinkly genie pants that needed to be stuffed back in the bottle:
📸 | New HD photos of @AvaMax presenting the award for "Best Female Artist" at the #iHeartAwards2021. pic.twitter.com/8qb7sbXmBg
— Ava Max Charts 💧 (@avamcharts) May 28, 2021
But still, for me, the hottest look of the night goes to Mr. Bruno!
Girls don't want a boyfriend, they want to be serenaded by @BrunoMars & @AndersonPaak. #iHeartAwards2021 pic.twitter.com/0ekz5PNPgR
— E! News (@enews) May 28, 2021
cause of death:#iHeartAwards2021 pic.twitter.com/jALxik3FDK
— cami✧ (@smoothbruno) May 28, 2021
He looks like a villain Casanova who seduces someone’s grandmother in a telenovela. He looks like a character from a racially charged porn film about the drug trade. He looks like the aging singer on a cruise ship who looks incredible for his age and sleeps with dozens of women each trip and huffs cocaine laced with Adderall between sets. He looks like the most popular gigolo from a brothel advertised on a flyer found on the floor of an all-inclusive resort but the brothel is nowhere near the resort. In other words: It’s a LEWK!