Putting The Banal In Balmain

“So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.

Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.

On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.

There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.

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Jose Canseco Says His Finger Never Fell Off During A Poker Game And It Was All A Prank

On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.

TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!

So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:

That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.”

Pic: Twitter

Cara Delevingne Confirms She’s Humping On Actor Jack O’Connell By Posting A Picture Of His Hickeys

After that fickle trick Michelle Rodriguez left her ass for a part-time temporary position as Zac Efron’s vacation buddy, E! says that British model and owner of a gorgeous set of eyebrows that look like a pair of well-fed wiener dog puppies Cara Delevingne has found herself a new pussy tamer: Skins actor and star of Dame St. Angie’s upcoming WW2 movie Jack O’Connell. Get it girl! Get that saint-approved dick! And Cara sort of confirmed what E! already said by posting this picture of with a neck full of hickeys to Instagram yesterday, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe a neck full of hickeys is confirmation that two people are getting their fuck on, yes? Cara captioned the pic: “Love bites #fittybum“, which means…fuck if I know. All I can say about this picture is:

BAAAAAAAAARRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

For someone who looks at pictures of Kardashians all day, you’d think I’d have a stronger stomach, but NO! Hickeys are DISGUSTING! They look like the puffy bloodshot eyes of a stoned alien. And don’t even get me started on those neck pubes; even John Waters is like “I don’t feel well, I need to lie down.” This is not why Instagram was invented, Cara! It is to be used for good, not evil! Plus, if you’re going to suck something that hard, why waste it on the neck, ifyaknowhatimsayin.

And I swear to god, “hick pics” better not become a thing, because there isn’t enough eye bleach in the universe to un-see all those swollen red neck slugs.

Here’s Cara Dyson-vingne looking like Sonic the Hedgehog’s weed-smoking sister at the opening of a Topshop store earlier this week, and Cara’s hot hickey prince Jack at a BFI thing earlier this month:

Pics: Wenn.com

Jada Pinkett Smith Discovered That Will Smith Has Been Taking Secret Pictures Of Her While She’s Asleep

For those of you staring at this picture and thinking “For what the hell am I looking at and why is it making me sort of hungry for dried apricots“, the answer would be: Jada Pinkett Smith‘s nekkid back. The Scrappy-Doo to Will Smith’s Scooby, confessed on Facebook (via Us Weekly) that she had recently discovered that her husband was taking pictures of her while she slept and had a collection of naked Jada sleepy-time photos. Will, you kinky bitch!

Jada posted an example of Will’s Portrait Studio work and wrote about how her husband is so ~artsy~ and whatever:

“I discovered the sexiest secret the other day. My husband takes pics of me in my sleep. He has a whole stash he revealed to me and I really enjoyed getting a glimpse of myself through his eyes. I had to share one with you guys;) Life is art. Life is beauty.“

EW EW EW BARF NO STAHP. I don’t want to think about Will Smith with a raging case of morning wood trying to get his Ansel Adams on. I don’t want to think about Will Smith quietly lifting the duvet with said boner so he can use both hands to adjust the light setting on his Canon Rebel. And I definitely don’t want to think about Will Smith uploading the pictures to a file on his laptop called “Intimate Bedroom Shots of My Lover” (you just know they’re the type of sick fucks who refer to each other as “My Lover“). I don’t want to think about any of it!

And what’s with this family’s obsession with taking pictures of themselves in bed? First Willow, then Jaden, now Jada? You guys got back problems or something? Call your doctor! Get your spines checked out!

Kid Rock Says He Doesn’t Have Insane Clown Posse’s Glass Dildo, So Stop Asking

Two weeks ago, human TruckNutz Kid Rock received a subpoena in his mail box (which is probably shaped like a stripper wearing a Budweiser bikini) asking him to relinquish the glass dildo he received from former Insane Clown Posse employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond so it can be used as evidence in the harassment lawsuit between ICP and their former publicist. The subpoena stated that Kid Rock had 14 days to say his tearful goodbyes and hand over the glass dildo to a court of law. However, its been 14 days and still no sign of the missing glass dildo. Why? Because according to Kid Rock, there is no glass dildo (at least at his house), and he’s pissed off that his good name was ever dragged into this mess.

Kid Rock didn’t have a dildo to return, but he still wanted ICP’s lawyers to get fucked, so he took to his website and wrote two beautifully eloquent letters titled “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds”. They’re both long and hard (like a glass dildo), so I’ve hidden them after the cut.

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It’s A Gross Thing: Martha Stewart Calls Terry Richardson “Cute”

Um, those two dogs on the left making a “This Is Not What I Signed Up For” face should really tell their Chow Chow friend, Genghis Khan II, that opening his mouth when Terry Richardson is around is never a good idea. Or maybe GK2 is silently screaming and shutting his eyes because he can’t with this mess. Probably the latter.

The woman who Blake NotSoLively will one day skin alive and wear posed for a spread in Net-A-Porter’s print magazine Porter and before the shoot, she was given a list of photographers to choose from. Fashionista (via Jezebel) says that Terry Richardson was on that list. If you were doing a shoot for Porter Magazine and they gave you a list with Uncle Terry’s name on it, you’d probably say, “Why are you giving me the National Sex Offender Registry? Give me that list of photographers!” Martha didn’t do that and out of all the photographers on the list, she went with the human chloroform rag. Either the name Terry Richardson hasn’t penetrated through the mint green bubble that Martha lives in or she figured that since she’s all out of Creme De La Mer, she might as well try a new facial cream. Porter says that after the come-to-life stock photo of a pedophile shot her, she told everyone he was “cute.” This is the reason why the Strawberry Shortcake bar I ate last night is crawling up my throat:

“It is the first time these two controversy-hounds have met but it is, like so much in Stewart’s life, no accident. After debating over a long list of photographers, America’s house-mother superior insisted that Richardson shoot her. ‘Oh, he is cute,’ she will say later, when he comes to say goodbye.”

The only thing more WTF-ish than Uncle Terry shooting Martha Stewart is Martha Stewart calling Uncle Terry “cute.” Calling Terry Richardson “cute” is like calling a hairy ass wart that a rat chewed off “adorable.” But anybody who has seen the disgusting plates of barf-covered diarrhea that Martha has tweeted knows that she’s blind when it comes to nasty crap.

And I hope that Martha thinking that Uncle Terry is cute isn’t going to lead to a more “intimate” photo shoot, because my eyeballs were not built to take in the sight of Uncle Terry’s leaky dick on Martha Stewart’s forehead.