That Gross Lyric From Tyga Isn’t About His Underage Girlfriend, Okay?

A Tyga song called “Pleazer” was shat up onto the Internet yesterday and it has already become PedoBear’s alarm song, ring tone and life anthem thanks to truly poetic lyrics about illegal sex.

The Woody Allen of hip hop raps about how he squeezes a coochie over a juice cup every morning (But is the coochie juice pulp free?) and instead of using fingerprint technology to unprotect his iPhone, he uses dickprint technology (And he wonders why his iPhone automatically calls 911 right after he unprotects it with his dick.) But the lyric that has got everyone whistling for Chris Hansen to parachute into Tyga’s house is the lyric where it sounds like he’s bragging about doing statutory rape shit. The lyrics are below and I need to remind you that Tyga wrote them. If I didn’t remind you, you may think that I copy + pasted a work from Edgar Allen Poe (more like Edgar Allen Pedo) since it’s that poetic:

Shout-out all my bitcheses, you call the mistresses
I just hit and forget they even existeded
Ha, it’s all the same though
I changed the lingo, gave her dangle, bury the dang ho
I’m fuckin’ faster, I’m gettin’ stronger
I hit her, she backwards, lickin’ her asshole
My dick is the password
T nasty, ’bout to catch a felony for it
Vagina juice like orange juice in the mornin’

It’s as if Humbert Humbert was a real-life person and was reincarnated into Tyga.  BUT WAIT! Tyga tells TMZ that those Polanski-approved lyrics aren’t even about 17-year-old longtime bully victim Kylie Jenner. Tyga claims that his brain vommed up those lyrics 2 years ago when he was still with Blac Chyna. Uh huh. Tyga’s mouth is about as reliable as a fortune cookie. Everything he spits out is a lie! But you know, I doubt Pimp Mama Kris cares and I’m sure that at the club tonight, she’s going to request “Pleazer” and will scream, “THAT’S MY BAAAAAAY-BEEEE HE’S RAPPING ABOUT,” while she sprays her chest with champagne as she gives her boy toy victim a lap dance.

And here’s Kylie checking out a college to attend in the fall. No, she’s at Fred Segal.

Pics: Rude Boy Magazine, Wenn.com

Today In Barf: Josh Duggar Made An Incest Joke On TV

After Josh Duggar’s child touching ways were exposed, he dribbled out a nauseating statement where he said he said that he prayed the pedo away and was really sorry for molesting five girls (four of which are his sisters). Well, he’s so sorry that not long after he “repented” for his sins, he mouth farted up an incest joke.

Somebody pulled out an old clip from a 2008 episode of 19 ATMS and Counting (which was 17 ATMS and Counting back then) where a 20-year-old Josh said that he wanted to take his then courtin’ partner Anna on a date and his sister Jinger (Side note: I still CAN’T with the name “Jinger.”) was supposed to be their chaperone. But since they were going to see an R-rated movie, Jinger couldn’t go and his other siblings Jana and John David Duggar went instead. Josh joked that it was a double-date and then laughed while saying, “We are from Arkansas!” CAUTION: Heave-inducing material ahead.

That hoarse cackle you hear is Bill Cosby laughing at Josh’s hilarious joke.

It’s not surprising that this mound of gross would joke about some sick shit he actually did, but it is surprising that the Duggar kids are allowed to see 18+ rated movies. I thought Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar told their kids that their souls will liquefy and become  Lucifer’s laundry detergent if their pristine eyes are exposed to anything that isn’t rated G (for GODLY).

In other Duggar news, People (who used to be firmly on Team Duggar and jumped off of that ship real quick) posted a history of the Josh Duggar molestation stories going back 8 years. Gawker also posted a terrifying piece about the fundamentalist brand of Christianity that the Duggars belong to. And lastly (although, I’m sure 500 more Duggar posts will pop up on the Internet as soon as I hit the publish button), the judge who made the call to destroy Josh Duggar’s police report was twice appointed by #1 Duggar fangirl Mike Huckabee.

And if a friend throws you looks of judgement today as you eyeball an entire bottle of vodka at a Memorial Day BBQ, just stop for a second and say, “I read another Duggar post today.” They’ll probably grab another bottle of vodka and help you out by pouring it in your other eye socket.

Alan Thicke Likes To Listen To His Son’s Song While Boning

If that headline made your clit skedaddle up into your body, you might be able to coax it back out with a GIF of Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass. But who knows if that will even do it. It knows things now and it’s not sure the world is safe as long as Alan Thicke is orgasming as his son yodels out a high-pitched castration wail.

In “sometimes the sleazy, gross apple doesn’t fall far from the sleazy, gross tree” news, Alan Thicke and his wife Tanya Callau just had to let it be known that Robin Thicke’s song “Sex Therapy” is like musical Viagra to them. That’s funny, because to me, any Robin Thicke song has the opposite of effect on my fuck parts. While talking to UsWeekly, Alan said that when he and Tanya really want to go to Fucktown, they put on his son’s song. Suck down an entire bottle of Dramamine, because this mess will bring the heaves:

In this week’s Loose Talk video, Alan, 68, and his wife, Tanya Callau, 40, admit that they aren’t afraid to get busy in the boudoir with son Robin Thicke’s music in the background. “When we do get freaky, we love [Robin’s song] ‘Sex Therapy,'” Callou, Alan’s wife of 10 years, told Us. “You have to admit, it’s a great song to get in the mood.”

Thanks to Robin and Tanya, that song is now a great song to get you in the mood to barf your insides out.

Some people like to get off to Marvin Gaye and Alan likes to get off to Robin Thicke. Since he’s into using really cheap imitations for sex tools, I’m sure he uses Dollar Tree lotion instead of lube and drinks Taco Bell Fly instead of Spanish Fly.

And of course, Robin Thicke had something to say about this:

Since they’re both gross, I bet Robin Thicke puts on his dad’s song “Hot and Sweaty” when he wants to get sexy. Me too, actually.

Shailene Woodley Might Have Just Out-Shailened Herself

Shailene Woodley, seen above looking like the Designer Imposters version of Kristen Stewart, has confessed some pretty WTF stuff in the past, but she recently outdid herself. During a recent interview with Nylon (via UsWeekly), Shailene was asked what the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was. Knowing what I know about Shailene (which is entirely TOO DAMN MUCH, if I’m being honest), I’d guess the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was either someone’s aura, but no. It was bugs. And she didn’t hate it:

“I’ve eaten ants and that was great. And June bugs, that was great. I think the future of food is in insects, so we’ll see what happens.”

Literally the only way that could have gotten more Shailene-y is if she had added “Did you know that drinking a tea made from organic whisperroot and grasshoppers will cure a blocked chakra? It’s true, a shaman told me in a dream I once had.”

Full disclosure – one time I watched a science show (truth: it was a science show for kids) and they showed that bugs had something like 10000x more protein and iron than regular meat and that bugs and that bugs were plentiful and we should be eating them. Then they tricked a bunch of kids into eating with spiders and crickets baked into it, and of course they were like “Yum! More please!“, but I was skeptical. If I can tell it’s not butter, then I think I could tell I was eating Charlotte and her babies. Then again, don’t we eat like 400 spiders in our sleep every night? I think I heard that on the same show.

Kristen Stewart Is Going To Be In A Woody Allen Movie

Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.

Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.

As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.

And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.

Bill Cosby Made A Rape Joke During His Show And The Audience Loved It

When Phylicia Rashad defended her money Bill Cosby, she said that the evil plot to takedown a legacy is working because all of his contracts have been canceled. Phylicia was wrong. Some of Bill’s contracts remain intact, because he’s still working and is currently doing a short tour in Canada. Bill played the Budweiser Gardens in London, Ontario last night and during his show, the audience cheered when he dropped a rape joke. Oh, humanity, you always find a way to bring my face and my palm together.

A writer for The National Post, who was there last night, says that at one point during his set, a woman in the front row got up out of her seat and Bill Cosby, who looked like a gassy prairie dog, asked her where she was going. She told him she was going to the bar and asked him if he needed a drink. Bill said no and then shat up this heave-inducer: “You have to be careful about drinking around me.” The audience let out an “ooooooh” and those “ooooohs” quickly turned into claps and cheers. You know, it’s hilarious, because it may be true! Those people knew about the allegations and they still went, so the fact that I ate oatmeal with blueberries instead of a buttery PopTart for breakfast is a more shocking development than those people clapping at Bill Cosby’s rape joke.

Bill Cosby thinks he lives on a 50,000 foot high mountain of Pudding Pops and is untouchable, so of course he’d to this. Some celebrity wrecks poke fun at their “troubles” and “scandals” (see: Lindsay Lohan, etc….) by making jokes, but making rape jokes while facing lawsuits from women who claim you drugged and raped them? Who is Bill Cosby’s PR team? A pile of chewed-up and soggy Pudding Pop sticks? No, that’s not fair to say. A pile of chewed-up and soggy Pudding Pop sticks would do a better job handling this mess. What’s next? Bill’s going to replace Katherine Heigl as the new face of ZzzQuil or he’s going to try to prove that he’s still America’s wholesome father by manning the punch bowl at high school proms across the country?

This also happened at Bill’s show last night. A heckled was kicked out for screaming, “You’re a rapist,” at him.