After years and years of allegations and hints and Law & Order episodes implying that Terry Richardson is a class-A creep, the New York Daily News says that the NYPD’s Special Victim’s Squad is currently conducting an investigation against him. “Okay, but what took so long,” thought anyone familiar with Uncle Terry.
There will always be creeps and pervs in this world. But in the world of entertainment, they’ve begun to attempt to make it look like they’re cracking down on such unsavory types. Harvey Weinstein, Roy Price from Amazon. Apparently the perv-sweeping broom has spread all the way to the fashion world.
According to The Daily Telegraph, magazine publisher Condé Nast has decided to wash their hands of Terry Richardson. I hope they got a good deal on soap, because a grimy grease stain like Uncle Terry is going to take a lot of scrubbing.
And by “this,” I mean two things: extremely sophisticated portraits and a new kind of brain gonorrhea you’ll get while thinking about Terry Richardson slobbering from every orifice as he takes pictures of 19-year-old Kylie Jenner.
Since Kim Kartrashian is mostly sitting on the fame whore bench, it’s Kim Kartrashian 2.0’s job to keep her family’s signature brand of ho shit coming. So Kylie plumped up her balloon ass cheeks with helium, turned the dial that operates her eyes to DEAD and delivered all kinds of Instagram THOT poses. That mother/daughter picture above is truly touching. Kudos to humanized chloroform rag Uncle Terry for capturing Pimp Mama Krisssss in her true form. She’s never looked better.
If you’ve been looking for the perfect holiday gift for the fame whore-in-training in your life, Kylie Jenner’s 2017 calendar is already out. The pictures have leaked all over Instagram, and most of them look like backpage escort ads taken in a garage in front of a white bed sheet background. And I’m sure that’s exactly what Kylie and Uncle Terry were going for. I’ve burped up a few pics after the cut and you may want to look at them while listening to a song of your choice, because you’ll need something loud to drown out the sound of PMK screaming, “Work it, spread it, make it rain, bitch!”
Around five months ago, we learned that Terry Richardson did something we didn’t think was possible for him to do. He shot out a jizz load into a plastic cup instead of on a model’s face while taking her picture. Uncle Terry said the words that made NYC’s Child Protective Services double their staff. Uncle Terry announced that and he and his former assistant/current girlfriend Alexandra “Skinny” Bolotow made a pair of babies together.
Just the other day, I saw a picture on Instagram of Skinny’s baby-growing dome looking about as big as Jupiter, and I figured that maybe those children decided to just stay in that Uncle Terry-free zone. You know, they could’ve gotten their food through Seamless and binge-watched every damn show Netflix has to offer. But well, those babies are now out of Skinny’s body and probably wearing red flannel onesies and tiny black aviators as Uncle Terry hands out dick-shaped blue cigars and gets his baker to make a raspberry jelly-filled cake reenactment of his kids’ birth. Because Skinny popped out twin boys over the weekend. Terry announced it on his Instagram today:
Watching this woman rock it through an insane delivery and push out our babies was the most intense, inspiring, exhilerating, and humbling experience of my life. So blessed and grateful for this sweet family. Welcome to the world Rex + Roman. March 19th, 2016 6:23pm and 6:35pm, 6lbs 1 oz and 6lbs 10oz
Roman… I guess naming the other one “Woody” would’ve ruined his reputation as the reigning king of subtlety. Now that Uncle Terry is a father to babies, that’s our cue to find out the safest way to scoop out our eyeballs with plastic sporks to dip them in a mixture of boiling ammonia and bleach, because he’s definitely going to cover the Internet with his take on Anne Geddes-style pictures.
After RiRi released that goddamn “Work Work Work Work Workworkwrowkrowrkwrok” song that hasn’t left my head at all and put her entire album ANTI on Tidal for free, her Wednesday and Saturday matinee understudy Rita Ora tried to snatch the spotlight from her by busting out some bare nipple action on the cover of a French magazine. I would slow clap for Rita Ora’s spotlight-stealing game, but I can’t since RiRi put her oiled-up nipple knobs on the cover of the same magazine in 2014. I guess this means that in a few months RitRit is going to release her new single Job and a few days later she’ll release her entire album Against for free on the new streaming music site Low-Tide.
The Great Value Rihanna flashed her chichi bags in front of Uncle Terry’s camera for the French titty magazine Lui (which for this issue, is French for “LOOK AT MEEEE!“). I was going to say that we’re all waiting for Miley Cyrus’ move, but she’s done this and a whole lot more in front of Brian Peppers’ idol. The only way Rita could’ve topped Miley is if she spread eagle and made us all say, “Oh, so that’s what Rita Ora’s cervix looks like.” I’m sure Miley will do that in front of Uncle Terry’s camera next week.
Rita Ora’s de-Terry’d titties are after the cut:
You may have thought that Uncle Terry becoming an actual father to baby twins was just some kind of horrifying news your brain conjured up during a fever dream, but nope. It’s happening for real. Uncle Terry’s girlfriend/former assistant Alexandra “Skinny” Bolotow is carrying their twins in her womb and to celebrate becoming Child Protective Services’ most visited family in a few months, they threw a baby shower. And it was a very Uncle Terry baby shower. The only thing missing was Miley Cyrus giving Uncle Terry a lap dance while dressed up in that terrifying slutty baby costume.
Uncle Terry and Skinny gave out condoms with her ultrasound scan on them, peen lollipops and dick glasses. It looked more like John Travolta’s birthday party than a baby shower. I don’t even want to know what game they played instead of the candy bar diaper game. Okay, I just took a guess in my head and now I want to remove my brain from my skull and soak it in ammonia. Three pictures from Uncle Terry’s baby shower are after the jump. TIP: Pull out a gallon-sized jug of brain bleach before you get to the cake: