Old-Ass Steven Bauer Is Dating An 18-Year-Old Tea Party Activist

Courtney Stodden just threw herself onto a pile of dirty thongs and began weeping coagulated silicone tears into a ratty clump of $2 hair extensions, because she’s no longer the craziest gold-digging star-fucking jail bait fame whore on the block anymore. RIP, Porn Iguana; we hardly knew ye.

So just who is this daddy issues-having ho who has snatched away Courtney Stodden’s crown? According to Us Weekly, 57-year-old Ray Donovan actor (or Manny from Scarface, whichever brings up less of a “??????” for you) Steven Bauer attempted to out-creepy Woody Allen by showing up to the premiere of Magic in the Moonlight with his 18-year-old girlfriend Lyda Loudon. According to her Twitter bio, Lyda is a “part-time nightmare-inspirer, journalist, host of Sarcasm Overdose, ceo, actress, unsalvageable degenerate film/music/cigar/espresso addict” aka she’s unemployed. But Lyda is not just a barely-legal J-list star fucker (yes she is, but go on); she also founded Tea Party Youth and the L3 Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “educate millennials with the tools it will take to turn America’s future around”.

Of course, it gets better (it always gets better). Lyda’s parents are former Missouri Republican senator John Loudon and Tea Party founder and author “Dr. Gina“ (she sounds like a no-nonsense discount gynecologist). Meanwhile, Steven used to be married to Melanie Griffith, and they have a 28-year-old son together. You know your girlfriend is too damn young if she can’t remember Melanie before the Antonio tattoo. Hell, your girlfriend is too young if her age is anything that ends in “-teen“!

No other information is known, like where they met or just how much Steven had to pay Chris Hansen to keep him from pulling the Dateline van up to his house, but one thing is for sure: they picked the right place to announce they were a couple. Nothing says “I’m in a not-right Pedobear-approved relationship with a teenage girl almost 40 years younger than me” like the red carpet premiere of a Woody Allen movie.

And if your name is Courtney Stodden, here are some pictures of Lyda that you may print out and pin to your dart board to angrily whip your stripper heels at later. For the rest of us, take a good look: this is Lyda before. It’s only a matter of time before she goes full-Hollywood Fame Humper and fills her face and tits with cheap silicone.

Pics: Splash, LydaLoudon.com

Kid Rock’s Glass Dildo Has Been Subpoenaed In The Insane Clown Posse Harassment Lawsuit

I was thinking about photoshopping a glass dildo into Kid Rock’s grimy paw, but then I realized I’ve already filled my quota of nightmares by making you picture Justin Bieber blue steel-ing it in a pair of tighty-whiteys.

Rolling Stone says that human dirty needle Kid Rock received a subpoena telling him to hand over his glass dildo after it was declared evidence in a lawsuit involving human wet garbage, the Insane Clown Posse. The subpoena states that former ICP employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond (I do not want to know how he got the nickname “Dirty Dan”) tried to give a glass dildo to former ICP publicist Andrea Pellegrini after learning that she was single. Andrea, who is suing the Insane Jagoff Posse for harassment and emotional distress, claims she didn’t want to be “Dirty Dans” slutty Cinderella, so she returned the glass dildo to sender. “Dirty Dan” claims to have then passed the unwanted glass dildo on to Kid Rock. I’m not sure why he gave it to Kid Rock, but I assume it’s because he hated him (nothing says “go fuck yourself” like giving someone a re-gifted dildo).

Kid Rock has 14 days to produce the glass dildo in court, and if he doesn’t…I dunno, maybe they’ll send a SWAT team to his house with a pack of highly-trained dildo-sniffing dogs or something. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Kid Rock; 14 days isn’t a lot of time to say your goodbyes to a beloved sex toy. Imagine if you received a letter in the mail that says you must surrender your favorite vibrator or butt plug or anal beads?? That would be heartbreaking! I’m getting all Not Without My Daughter just thinking about it. I bet that right now, Kid Rock is smuggling his dirty scum-crusted glass dildo in a hidden compartment in his suitcase as he boards a train bound for Canada. “Don’t worry, little fella. I promise, they’ll NEVER tear us apart!”

Justin Bieber Got A Job Modelling Underwear For Calvin Klein

Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.

A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).

Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.

And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!

Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!

Pic: Instagram, Splash

File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi

Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.

Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?

 “Maybe just a half-chub.”

Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).

Pic: E!

The Deaner Has Tori Spelling’s Name Tattooed Above His Peener

Because the producers of Fame WhORI are always searching for a new metric to which one might measure just how much information is too much information, Tori Spelling confessed that The Deaner has her name tattooed above his dick. Really? A sleazy beady-eyed bangaholic asshole like The Deaner has an upper-dick tattoo? Color me a crappenin’ shade of shocked.

In the latest episode of The Tori & Deaner Lie-Time Variety Hour, Pale Man’s low self-esteem sister admitted to all 9 of their viewers that she was hesitant to let The Deaner return to Canada to film Chopped Canada for fear that he’d cheat on her again. A friend then suggests she make him sign a legal document that says he won’t try to tame any maple-flavoured strange, and Tori joked it should be a tattoo on his body so he doesn’t forget.

That’s when Tori decided to initiate humanity’s largest collective dry heave by telling the friend that a tattoo wouldn’t prevent shit, since her possum-faced dirtbag husband already has the word “Tori’s” tattooed on the booze-bloated pouch located directly above his dick. Her friend then asked if it was actually on his dick, to which Tori clarified that it was above it, nestled somewhere beneath his greasy, sweat-matted pubes.

However, I don’t think The Deaner meant to get “Tori’s” tattooed above his dick as a sign of ownership. It was probably a miscommunication between the tattoo artist and a beer-drowsy Deaner:

“Hey bro, I want to get the word “Sorry” above my johnson. See, I got this problem: The Deaner loves to bang chicks, but he also loves get shit-faced on the cheap stuff. So by the time I’m ready to get my wang waxed, all that booze has made things no es bueno between my legs, and I’m like, Whoopsies, my bad!”

Unfortunately, The Deaner drew out what he wanted it to look like on the back of a business card, but handed it to the tattoo artist right side up. So instead of seeing “Sorry” above a dick, he saw “Tori’s Husband” followed by several dollar signs and the words “Future Lottery Winner”, and the artist accidentally tattooed “Tori’s” above his peener instead.

There Was A Time Tori Spelling And The Deaner Tried To Be Swingers

I am so SO sorry – I didn’t want that mental image either, but I figured if I was going to spend the next 24-hours dry heaving like Lloyd Christmas, I was taking all of you there with me. I know, I’m an awful, terrible bitch. Please send all hate mail to whatever toilet I’ll be hunched over till I’m able to get my hands on some industrial-stength brain bleach. But back to imagining Tori Spelling and The Deaner with a giant glass bowl filled with minivan keys. According to an exclusive story from Life & Style, (in association with the makers of Gravol, go on) an insider says that several years ago they attended a pool party thrown at Casa del Dirtbag, and things got very gross, very quickly:

According to the source, the couple were knocking back drinks and, after calling Tori the love of his life, Dean proceeded to offer her services to his friend!

“He said, ‘Try her!’ and proceeded to push Tori onto his friend’s lap,” the insider reveals to Life & Style.

Not that Tori resisted. Instead, according to the insider, she eagerly tried to kiss Dean’s friend — who was so mortified, he fled the party!

Mortified? I think you meant horrified. And I think the insider is forgetting a few details, because I also spoke to an “insider” from the same party, and they said this is how The Deaner offered up Tori to his friend:

“Hey man, what’s crappening? You like my sick pool party? I made those tiki torches myself by stuffing gasoline-soaked diapers into a couple empty beer cans I found in the shower. I’m all about DIY: “Dick In Ya”. For serious though, The Deaner’s tryna lose the old ball and chain so he can get his dick wet behind the tool shed. You mind taking her off my hands? Thanks bro.”

But enough of all that swinger talk, here’s Tori running errands on Wednesday.

Pics: Splash