Guess Who Got Caught Sneaking Out Of A Whorehouse In Rio?

It’s not Charlie Sheen, because his house is already a brothel and he doesn’t need to fly all the way to Brazil to buy some coochie. It’s not John Travolta, because it’s a brothel full of pussy peddlers and not dude massage therapists with strong stomachs. It’s the hooker-loving Biebs!

The Brazilian site EGO and Page Six both have pictures of Usher’s godchild covered in a blanket and trying to stealthily sneak out of a brothel in Rio de Janeiro with help from his two buff bodyguards. That picture. It looks like a still from a gay ghost porn. That Bieber ghost is getting the boos fucked out of his butt while he gets ready to toss that other dude’s salad. That lady in the glasses is wondering why in the hell she’s in the middle of this mess.

Page Six says that paps in Brazilian received a tip that Justin Bieber, his friend and his bodyguards visited a popular coochie palace. The Biebs was inside for three hours before he left in a genius disguise. The paps ID’d the bodyguards as members of the Biebs’ security team and Page Six says that it’s obviously him since his ugly wrist tattoo was visible in a few of the pictures. The Biebs’ mom also confirmed (no, she didn’t) that that’s the blanky he cuddles with every night.

As the Biebs tried to sneak out, one of his bodyguards pulled some golden showers shit by throwing water at the paps. The Biebs left with two girls from the brothel and went back to his hotel, but his hotel later kicked him out (probably because he brought hookers back to his room). Page Six points out that prostitution is legal in Brazil, but brothels are not.

Yeah, I know Justin Bieber could easily get himself a truck full of girls to do every single night for free, but maybe he’s into some seriously kinky, dirty, filthy, dark-sided, rosary-clutching shit that no girl would do for free. And by “kinky” shit I mean watching his movie and holding him while telling him that he’s the strongest, baddest, hardest, little pop star in the world. Even the most crazed Belieber won’t do disgusting shit like that for free.

(Pic via EGO) (Thanks Lígia!)

The Little Monsters Are Sucking Craigslist Peen To Meet Their Mother Monster

I’ve heard of fucking for tracks, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of sucking to get someone else’s track to the top.

Lady CaCa announced on Twitter the other day that a lucky Little Monster will be her guest to the iTunes Festival in London and all her crazy ass fans have to do is tweet her a screenshot of proof that they bought her new single “Applause” on iTunes. CaCa then made her Little Monsters sell their entire lives by telling them that they’ll have a bigger chance at winning her shameless contest if they buy several copies of her single. Obviously, that bitch is trying to get “Applause” to #1.

Since Lady CaCa’s Little Monsters are nuts, I’m sure some of them have sold their baby brothers and sisters in Walmart parkings lots, ended up in a tub of ice after selling some of their internal organs on the black market and have taken out a second mortgage on their parents’ house to buy as many copies of “Applause” as possible. And as Canada.com points out, some Little Monsters are selling their mouths on Craigslist for an iTunes receipt. Those ads are probably fake, but I honestly wouldn’t put it past those Little Monsters. They’ll suck dick to get “Applause” to the top and they don’t even care if they get THE CLAP. Sucio sluts. But you know, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’ve sucked peen for a lot less than $1.29.

And I do love that the Little Monster who left that Craigslist ad above offered up a recession special for those who can’t afford a $1.29 blow job IN THIS ECONOMY. Here’s another “suck 4 Applause” ad:

The Little Monsters’ suck-a-thon is totally working and by “totally working” I mean not working at all. “Applause” is #3 below “Blurred Lines” and “Roar” on iTunes. But keep sucking, Little Monsters!

And here’s Lady CaCa leaving Chateau Marmont today while looking like she just sucked off all the Care Bears for iTunes receipts.

Pics: Wenn.com

Miley Cyrus’ Lizard Tongue Can’t Be, Won’t Be, Will Never Be Tamed

Here’s Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards looking like a tweaked out chipmunk who’s been possessed by a dark-sided evil demon. If Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks starred as Regan in a remake of The Exorcist, this is what the poster would look like. Give me some holy water, a rosary and a prayer to chant. That tongue looks like a wet thumb trying to escape out of her mouth. Miley needs to sedate that tongue and put it on a leash. When Miley’s tongue comes wiggling out of her mouth, it looks like she’s doing an impersonation of John Travolta when he sees a man hole. I’m sorry to take you there, but blame Miley and her wandering leech tongue.

And why is she so greasy and sweaty? Bitch is too rich to be that greasy. My abuelita wants to grab Miley’s face and squeeze all the grease onto a frying pan so she can make us all some plátanos con crema. Miley’s got an entire jar of under-the-sink kitchen grease on her face. There’s no need for that when Bounty paper towels exist.

And Miley made it a sort-of family affair yesterday by sitting with Billy Ray and Noah.

They look like they’re at a 90s costume party. Miley went as a white Adina Howard, Billy Ray went as a Hootie & the Blowfish roadie and Noah went as an extra in an after-school special about teen runaways.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty Images

Lindsay Lohan’s Got A New-ish Sugar Daddy

Since Lindsay Lohan has a reputation as the rudest snatch on both coasts to uphold, she showed up 45 minutes to the Broadway play Orphans last night. Hey, LiLo has a good excuse! Negotiating a nightly rate with one of your newer johns takes time and can’t be rushed.

One of LiLo’s sugar daddies got crossed out of her black book after his dumb ass got arrested for trying to smuggle drugs onto a plane, so she’s got a spot open for a new benefactor (yes, I see what I did there and I don’t like the image either). LiLo’s date last night was wealthy Saudi entrepreneur Mohammed Al Turki who’s also produced the movies Arbitrage and What Maisie Knew. The Daily Mail says that Mohammed Al Turki isn’t exactly a new trick. LiLo hung out with him at the amfAR gala in February and he was her date to Lady CaCa’s perfume launch party in September.

LiLo’s supposed to check into 90-day rehab on May 2nd, so what’s going to happen to all her sugar daddies? What if her plan to trick the rehab staff by putting a decoy (a rotting Jack-O-Lantern with red rubber lips) in her room so she can sneak out doesn’t work? What if she has to stay there? Will her sugar daddies find a new sugar baby? I’m sure LiLo won’t let this happen. She’ll get White Oprah to temporarily take her place. White Oprah also looks like she’s on the wrong side of 65 and just like LiLo, she can pour a shot, cut a line, give a hand job and steal a wallet all at the same time. Those sugar daddies won’t know the difference at all.

Daddy Spears Doesn’t Mess Around When Hiring A Paid Boyfriend For Brit Brit

Getting a job as Brit Brit’s leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl’s robot beard and it’s way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit’s contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won’t chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.

A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude’s normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller’s Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit’s corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he’ll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar’s source didn’t say this, but I’m pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he’s not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That’s a deal breaker. The source said this:

“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done.”

“Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females….” They’re talking about her like she’s a sedated circus animal who’s only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait…

Background checking a possible piece isn’t only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it’s something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she’d ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what’s the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan’s or had a credit score under 600, I’d still do him.

Here’s Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.

Crystal Harris Went Through With It This Time

It’s a Happy New Year for Hugh Hefner. No, the medical community didn’t introduce a colostomy bag that doubles as a Viagra injector. Crystal Harris‘ trick ass stayed around for their wedding last night! Hef, 86, and his engagement ring-collectin’ ladyslave, 26, tied the knot in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion right before Playboy’s annual NYE party. It doubled as their wedding reception, according to TMZ.

Can you blame Hef for going for the twofer on parties? The last time he put a ring on this fickle ho’s finger, she took it, jumped the wall and told everyone how truly disgusting it was having sex with a flaccid mummy on a Hoverround. And then she pawned that ring! Cold-blooded.

He must really need a titslicious bedpan attendant to work the midnight to 6 shift be in love to take her back and buy her another bauble. Either that or he has her family imprisoned in the secret dungeon under that grotto. Whatever works, Hef.

These pics are from Crystal’s Twitter and Instagram. Check out the one from the ceremony. Hef has an equally ancient friend standing up for him. It’s very Brothers Grimm, with the wizened warlocks and terrified-beyond-reason village slut being forced into marriage.