You could watch Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA commercial 40 times on repeat while flipping through the photo album containing pictures of your cat who ran away when you were 8, and it still won’t be as depressing as this picture of a dead-inside Kim Kardashian being given to her client of the evening by Pimp Mama Kris. “Here you are, Mr. Lugner: this is my bottom bitch, Kim. Kim likes long walks on the ho stroll and short marriages. Smile, trick! Show ’em why you’re worth that $500,000. Half a million dollas make a Pimp Mama holla, so clickety clack, bitch, clickety clack!”
Ever since Kim arrived in Vienna as business tycoon Richard Lugner’s date to the ultra-fancy Vienna Opera Ball, its been one Botox-injected mess after another. Despite being paid $500,000 for her appearance, Kim bailed on an afternoon with her host and went to get Schnitzel with PMK instead (is ‘Schnitzel’ the street term for ‘injections’ in Austria?) to which Lugner claimed Kim was being “annoying”. Then shortly after arriving to the Opera Ball with Lugner and PMK, TMZ is saying that things got half a million times worse when Lugner started getting aggressively handsy with Kim, and encouraging her to ditch her security detail. And Pimp Mama Kris never stepped in to protect her ho by telling Lugner to respect the merchandise? Damn, that’s ice cold. Pimps everywhere just sucked their teeth at Kris for putting shame in the pimp game.
Later on, as Kim was taking pictures with Lugner (and that vile snake Kris was in the pimpmobile counting her money) a man approached Kim in blackface pretending to be Kanye West. It would have been funnier if someone had approached her dressed as a urinal cake (“We’re both made of a blend of toxic chemicals and we’re famous for letting people pee on us! Har har har”) but I guess Kanye Blackface Guy didn’t have a ton of time to prepare and just chose the most offensive thing he could put together that didn’t involve dressing up as Ray J’s dick.
Finally, Kim pulled a Half Baked and walked out carrying the remaining shred of our dignity after a guest approached her asking if she’d dance with him if the orchestra played “N****rs in Vienna”. Sadly, she had to find her own ride home because Kris had fallen asleep on a pile of blood money in the back of the pimpmobile.
Here’s more of Kim at the Vienna Opera Ball before everything turned to shit (well, a looser, smellier shit). Leave it to Kim to show up to a fancy black-tie event in a skirt that shows off her Spanx-wrapped money maker. #suchclassy