Princess Charlene Of Monaco Might Be Getting On This

MSN NZ (via Lainey) says that a newspaper in Spain claims that Princess Charlene of Monaco is pulling some Princess Diana shit by having an affair with a rugby player. The rumor is that Princess Charlene wasn’t at the coronation of the new Dutch king with her husband Prince Albert, because she riding on some rugby dick in South Africa instead.

The rugby player who Princess Charlene is supposedly boning on the down low is 36-year-old Byron Kelleher of New Zealand. Byron plays for Stade Français and he handles all of the rugby projects for Princess Charlene’s sports-focused charitable foundation. Sources say that when they’re not working on charity shit together, they’re working over each other’s asses. Byron is a friend of Princess Charlene and Prince Albert and was a guest at their wedding in 2011. He also went to the Amalfi Coast with them last year.

A royal spokeswhore for the Prince and Princess had no comment and said they were unable to talk to Charlene about this, because she was currently being forced to watch her husband’s henchman give her lover thirty lashings.

It’s obvious to absolutely everyone that Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Dick are only married for show and only stand next to each other when his family makes them or when there’s cameras in front of them. Basically, their marriage is like 95% of the marriages out there. And Prince Albert is probably sticking his tongue in a pile of ass every night, so why shouldn’t Princess Charlene? If this is true, Princess Charlene probably broke some royal law and will be shackled to a stone wall for the rest of her life, but what’s the point of living if you’re not going to risk your freedom for some good dick, right?

Here’s Princess Charlene and Princess Albert looking happier than ever at some event yesterday. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere had more romantic chemistry in Sommersby than these two.

David Tutera Is A Hooker-Loving Sex Addict, So Says His Husband

When the news came out that wedding planner David Tutera of WE’s My Fair Wedding filed legal papers to legally quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica and get full custody of the unborn twins that are growing in a surrogate’s womb right now, I knew shit was going to get messy and it has gotten really messy. Ryan brought David’s love of whores into it and I love a scandal that involved man hookers.

TMZ says that two days before David filed papers in L.A., Ryan filed his owner papers in Connecticut and said that their 10 year marriage died, because David is addicted to leased dick. Ryan claims that they went to a therapist and tried to make it work, but holding onto their relationship was kind of hard when David would come home smelling like random ass, cum and musky balls. David refused to get help for his sex addiction and wouldn’t stop paying for dick.

Just like David, Ryan wants full custody of their unborn twins. Ryan says that David made $1 million a year and he made $0 a year, so he needs cash to live. Ryan also claims that David is the one who eventually ended things and it made him drown his sorrows in a whole lot of the sweet nectar. Getting dumped drove him to the edge, so he spent some time in rehab.

TMZ also found out that Ryan has been arrested once for DWI and once for being a drunken mess in the past 5 months.

Now, every time I watch My Fair Wedding, I’m going to think about how David probably bounced on some hooker dick in the bathroom of the reception hall during the ceremony. Whenever a bride asks David what that white stuff on his cheek is, he can no longer get away with saying that it’s just a little wedding cake frosting.

And these two are going to be new parents to newborn twins. They’re almost like the gay version of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller. PAGING, Denise Richards! You’re going to need to take care of these twins too for a while.

Mel & Michael Suspend Themselves After The Nurse They Pranked Commits Suicide

Mel and Michael, the Australians radio hosts behind the Duchess Kate hospital prank, have put themselves in time out after the nurse who transferred them to Kate’s nurse killed herself today. SCA, the company that owns 2Day FM released this statement to TMZ:

“SCA and 2Day FM are deeply saddened by the tragic news of the death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha from King Edward VII’s Hospital. SCA and the hosts have decided that they will not return to their radio show until further notice out of respect for what can only be described as a tragedy.”

Mel and Michael also hit the delete button their Twitter accounts and are refusing to open their mouths to the media about this. A rep for King Edward VIII Hospital said that Nurse Jacintha  Saldanha was a good nurse and liked by all her co-workers, and they also said that she wasn’t punished for transferring the call. I said this in my other post, but Nurse Jacintha only answered the phone, because the receptionist was away.

There seems to be two reactions to this. Some people are screaming that Mel and Michael need to be fired, skinned alive and turned into poopy bags for the Queen’s corgis. The others are saying that no, it wasn’t not funny, but it was just a dumb prank and the DJs shouldn’t be blamed. As for me, I’m on the side that isn’t saying shit, because THE QUEEN is not the one and has 007 on speed dial.

Papa Joe Simpson Is (Allegedly) Gay And Has A 20-Year-Old Boy Toy

Why didn’t I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he’s an albino flamingo dancing in the wind…. Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he’s free, he’s going to let all his glitter out!

And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They’re all like that!

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe’s 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee’s mother,  Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn’t keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:

“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”

And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.

I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter’s titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn’t thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica’s tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter’s chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that’s the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)

If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can’t wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he’s got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he’s just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!

And Every Twihard Just Melted Into A Puddle Of Sparkly Misery

In case you haven’t looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn’t resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she’s trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.

People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart’s people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People’s “source” said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:

“Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn’t having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn’t have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She’s a good person who just made a bad choice.”

They should’ve just said that Kristen’s lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that’s why her mouth was on Rupert’s mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what’s going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew’s contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!

So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.

And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.

How Do You Say “Escandalo” In Chinese?

Zhang Ziyi is an international film star who starred in dozens of movies including Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha, House of Flying Daggers and of course the crowning achievement in her career: Rush Hour 2. But if these reports are true, Zhang Ziyi will best be known as the greatest and most lucrative pussy peddler who ever lived. I know you’re thinking to yourself, “But Michael, aren’t the Kuntrashians the biggest whores in history?” They might be the biggest, but they aren’t the best. Do they have a top shelf pussy that has a $1 million price tag on it? Pimp Mama Kris and her bottom shelf heffa whores can stay down as Zhang Ziyi’s Fortune 500 coochie queefs diamond dust at them from the top.

Yahoo! Singapore says that there are several reports in China that claim 33-year-old Zhang Ziyi was forced to cancel an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival to promote her new movie Dangerous Liaisons, because the Chinese government refused to let her walk out the exit door while they investigate the two-person prostitution ring she was allegedly involved in. The reports claim that Bo Xilai, China’s former Minister of Commerce, handed over almost $950,000 to get down with Zhang Ziyi for one night in 2007. Bo reportedly had sex with her 10 more times from 2007 to 2011. Every fuck time transition was allegedly arranged by businessman Xu Ming. Xu Ming was Zhang Ziyi’s pimp and sold her five-star chocha to various rich and powerful men for at least $900,000 a pop.

Now here comes the part that makes Zhang Ziyi the J.P. Morgan of ho shit. One report claims that over the course of 10 years, Zhang Ziyi made 700 million yuan (US$110 million) from sexing on China’s elite. My calculator tells me that if Zhang Ziyi charged $900,000 for one date, she only had to drop her ‘gina on a john’s peen 12 times a year. Zhang Ziyi is a true entrepreneur and I know I’ve said this before about everybody, but this time I really mean it. Zhang Ziyi is my HERO. That’s if this is true, but Zhang Ziyi says it isn’t.

Zhang Ziyi’s rep issued a statement where they denied all of this and demanded an apology from the paper that opened up this scandal:

“We read this outrageous report in the Hong Kong’s Apple Daily. It sent stone-cold chills down our spines and has left us with a feeling of deep sadness. During the last month, Zhang Ziyi has been busy working day and night on the set of ‘The Grandmasters.’ Why should this devoted and responsible actress have to suffer this kind of slander and defamation? Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously. The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent.

But this time we don’t want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth. This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we’ll seek legal justice; we’ll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.

We will seek justice for Zhang Ziyi by taking legal action against Apple Daily and against any other media publishing these false reports. “

First of all, that was a really hot statement. Take note, American publicists, that’s how you write an official response. Put some drama into it so people really pay attention. A statement should sound like it was written by a dude who used to write for the Batman comic books.

Second of all, these reports could be lies, but then again a true ho never tells. If it isn’t true, I hope Zhang Ziyi sues the bitches responsible and collects $110 million. If it is true, then I better see Zhang Ziyi’s vagina on Forbes’ Celebrity 100 next year. Because people should pay homage to you when you make Demi Moore’s Indecent Proposal character look like a common food stamps hooker. I mean, who wouldn’t want to say, “Here’s my account and routing number. I’ll open my pussy as soon as my Swiss bank gives me the green light.”